Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  So here we are (and I would be remiss if I didn't follow that with - "in a room full of strangers") the end of 2022.  Probably the shittiest year of my life and also, and it is hard to type this, on of the best.  Not best in the sake of memories made, etc... but in discovering more about me, learning to say no for once, letting myself be loved and helped.  It has been a very opening year for me.  I really was hardened until all of this cancer shit tore it down.   Well enough about that - I have a lot of cooking to do over the next two days.  Today, I am making homemade pizza and I am hoping the new oven and approach will make for good pizza (we will see).  Tomorrow, I am making Tiffany's birthday dinner (yes, yesterday was Tiffany's birthday, but we chose to do the meal on Sunday to give me prep time and so that we could eat earlier).  I have been enjoying the cooking a lot and it is really one of the only ways I know to give back.  I have always believed/felt t

 Well, it is Tiffany's birthday.  I once again didn't do anything major and I feel bad.  I mean mail ordering would be fine, but I can't really get out of the house without her knowing I am leaving so running to a jewelry store isn't exactly something I can do.  However, anyone can buy something and I am not sure that I can give Tiffany a gift that shows how thankful I am of her.  It isn't just the last year of her taking care of me, keeping me together when I first learned I had cancer, or how much she loves our children.  It is her.  She is a beautiful, loving, strong, and passionate woman that has, for some reason, given her love and life to me and I thank the magic of the universe for that everyday.  So how do I buy a birthday gift for that?  How do I show her how much I love her?  I make dinner?  I am making broiled lobster tail, mushroom risotto in parmesan creme sauce, and caramelized brussel sprouts - that is a start.  I get so self indulged with my cancer t

  Well, getting closer to the end of the year and the anniversary of the first test.  It was an ultrasound that showed spots on the liver.  I will write more on the anniversary of that date, but for now I remember that I wasn't feeling well at all at this time last year.  I was in constant pain in my side, always bloated no matter what I ate, and was getting tired and dizzy all the time.  Strange, but short of the chemo side effects (and the steroid), I actually feel better.  I don't have the energy spurts I had back then, but I think I really just need to get moving and I will get them back.  I slacked a bit as it got colder and I need to pick something to do inside (the bike behind me, the elliptical in the back room, something). So things are getting routine around here.  What's for dinner, when's the next treatment, when's the next scan; I need to move us out of this rut, but I am not sure how to do that.  With it being flu/cold season and covid on its way back,

 Yes, that is a kitchen towel over my shoulder (I was making a breakfast sandwich prior to this post and I always have a towel on my shoulder when I cook (thanks Mom!).   Well, I made it to the Christmas milestone.  If you are wondering, Saint Patrick's day is next and yes, I am having some drinks.  Why the small step milestones?  Well, I don't want to take time for granted.  I did that my whole life, wait until I have this level of income, wait until, I am this age, wait until I am retired; everything was in the future and nothing was in the present.  The present was work, and only work to get to "that time" which I am pretty sure would never have happened.  Now, I plan things I want to do, eat, learn to cook, etc... within the milestone timelines.  The milestone after that is memorial day, then July 4, then my bday again, and so on and so on...   I am feeling good today, but the closer we get to actual treatment days the better I feel (as stuff leaves my body).   go

  So I made it to and through Christmas!  The next milestone is Saint Patrick's Day - I am going to have some drinks that day damn it! Christmas was nice, I made an A5 Wagyu Ribeye for me and a creamy shrimp scampi with angel hair for Tiffany.  It felt like the old days as I made pancakes, bacon, and sausage for breakfast.  In keeping with my cooking addiction, I used the cast iron for breakfast (griddle and frying pan) and stainless steel for dinner.  I guess in the winter, cooking becomes my gardening... I have been having a hard time shaking that this is my last Christmas.  I sent a message to Tiffany in her daily email telling her I didn't think it was, but I look so thin and frail.  I feel good sometimes, but many days I am pretty dizzy.  I suppose that could be the Gabapentin or the coming down from being stoned or any number of meds/ailments.  I just think for me, it is best to treat every day as my last.  Sometimes, I just sit and play games, others I garden, others I c

 It is freezing in my office.  With the windchill well below zero, the backroom can't stay warm.  Even with the heaters running it is still below 50 out here.  I am pleased with how I feel about Christmas this year.  I think it is better than last year in my head.  This is regardless of the small tree, the bullshit cancer stuff, etc...  It is more that I have remembered why I liked Christmas, I thought about past Christmases, and I take great joy in knowing I have been on the receiving and giving end of the season.   I am not going to write much today due to the cold, but know that I love you all very much and being with you makes every day Christmas! I love you all!

  So I had been looking for the Wait for the Wagon on Christmas Day song (only around Christmas every year).  It is a song that was on one of our Christmas LPs as kids.  Well, I not only found the song, but the whole album!  It was Frosty the Snowman (The Caroleer Singers and Orchestra) from Peter Pan (they made lots of kid's albums back in the day).  The interesting thing about this album on Spotify is that I am pretty sure they created the copy from an LP as parts of Nuttin' for Christmas have an LP pop noise in it.  Brings back a lot of memories as I know I played the hell out of this album as a kid during Christmas.  It actually made me have more Christmas nostalgia which was really nice as I am trying to keep my head in the right place this Christmas.  As it is now obvious I will make my Christmas milestone, I will start looking to Saint Patrick's Day after Christmas.   Things are going well, it was a double chemo week so I am a bit run down.  I worked from home this w

 Not the best picture, but I don't do "multiple takes".  Only 3 days until milestone Christmas.  I feel ok.  I have been a little grumpy and tired.  The dogs are barking at night, but I don't know if I am hearing them as Tiffany seems to be getting to them before I wake up (which is weird for me).   Where the other chemo didn't cause me much sick or not wanting to eat, this irinotecan tends to mess me up pretty good for a couple days.  Sick to my stomach when I eat and just don't feel like eating and me not wanting to eat is abnormal.  Meh... I am still trying to get myself in the holiday spirit.  I am hoping I do for at least Christmas Eve.  I am basically pretending to work for the most part, I answer IMs and emails, but I am not doing what I am supposed to.  I will get the stuff I'm working on done today or tomorrow AM to make it look like I am doing something.  I guess two things get at my possibly having a good mood.  One, this fucking cancer, and the

 Jingle bells is stuck in my head.  Honestly, the part of the Bing song where the backup singers do the jingle bells portion is stuck in my head to be honest.  As you can see we are back in NJ for treatment.  I need to get off this attitude I have that I don't want to do this anymore as I am on this trip for a long time a real long time (or at least I think I am).  There are people that have done this for this for years so I can handle a little inconvenience of having to travel.   I guess it is the waiting portion that bothers me more than the actual treatment.  As a tech junkie I am use to immediate satisfaction.  Action A gets immediate response, e.g. click key, letter shows up on the screen, etc... Between that and my hyperactivity, I have never been much for hurry and wait.  And if you just asked yourself how I managed being a Marine, it drove me insane then as well. Well, going to end this short as I have to get Tiffany up in 8 minutes. I love you all!

  I really don't feel like doing much today.  It is because it is the travel day for treatment and I really am getting tired of it and we have only been doing this since late Sept.  I know it is what I have to do for longevity and stay with Tiffany.  I sometimes wonder who I want longevity for more, Tiffany or me.  I am nearly 100% that it is Tiffany.  I wouldn't give up on treatments, but wouldn't weigh them the same if I was all alone (no wife or kids).  I don't say that because I want to die, it is more of what I live for and what I've done in life equation.   I am content with who I am, what I've done, etc...  I am not sure I would be so content if it hadn't been for my wife and kids.  That is the funny part, I feel accomplished and content because I have so much to love and have had the joy of raising my children, growing with my wife, and loving my family.  Is there anything more satisfying than knowing you will live in someone's memory and hopeful

  Yesterday we dropped off food for a food drive at Big Ink.  Tiffany is amazing and seeks out these opportunities to help others.  She makes me such a better persona and I know I would not be the man I am without her by my side.  I suppose someday I should write about what I think a "man" is and what I think will help with us humans and maybe it just American men get over themselves.  I do mean get over themselves. I have settled into the fact that I will make it to Christmas :) and New Year's (though the "New Year Celebration" thing has never been my cup of tea).  I feel pretty good most days, I know that I am getting dehydrated and I am pretty sure that is what is up with most ailments I have (lightheaded, stomach pain, can't pee, etc...).  Yesterday, I drank about a 82 oz. of water and I felt pretty good most of the day. I am going to do a lot of cooking today.  I have to pre-cook some chicken thigh (for adding to things this week) and make some dinner f

  Sent this to Tiffany in her daily this morning: ****** It's 3:25 AM, I am listening to Christmas music, and it reminds me of when I was a kid around Christmas.  I could never sleep as I was so excited about the presents.  More than that, I still believed that something amazing happened on Christmas, that everyone felt as much anticipation for peace and joy.  I suppose there must have been a lot of catholic in me still then, but it wasn't just the birth of Jesus.  It was that I was still naive enough to believe that everyone was searching for peace and joy, but I really was full of spirit when I was younger.  I would sing those Christmas songs loud for all to hear (from a corner of the cellar).  So, I suppose I was a peace and love hippie.  I should have kept that spirit and I definitely should have focused a bit more on peace and love hippie in me.  Anyway, this is probably why I am trying to be Christmas-y this year; recapture a bit of that young kid that still had enough be

  10 days until Christmas and if this weather keeps up, we will have a white Christmas.  It will be nice.  I know that I talk about this being my last Christmas, some days, I feel like it could be (and that may just be depression, etc...) and others I feel like I am going to beat this thing.  I hate that it is a crap shoot, but I have taken the gamble from a treatment perspective and let's hope it pays off. The weather I speak of is a winter storm that could drop 5-10 inches of snow on us.  Not a ton in upstate NY snow, but enough.  In my weakened state, I can't be a lot of help on the snow removal part and that upsets me.  That is one of the things that I do.  I am not much of a macho man that separates a man's work from a woman's, but the snow removal has always been my responsibility.  I suppose it melts. :) I have been really dizzy and lightheaded as of late, but a lot of that I think is dehydration.  I tend to push most of my water right out to the ostomy bag and I

  Not really feeling the blog this morning. I have been really sleepy in the morning.  This is not normal for me, I tend to dive right out of bed most mornings.  Now I dive out as my legs cramp when I stretch and so I need to get up to stop the cramping pain (moving seems to be the only thing that makes them dissipate).  They are getting pretty regular anymore (the cramps) and I actually had one in my hamstring at work yesterday which is the first time I had one that bad during the day. So I need to go get some breakfast going.  No time for gaming this morning. I love you all!

  Well, bag change day was horrible.  I kept excreting and it was just disgusting.  I need to be more careful about how much I eat on bag change days, etc...  I had fasted from 9:00 PM, but that seemed to not have much of an effect.  It was pretty obvious I was clogged up and something got unclogged after the shower.  I guess you live you learn. We decorated the living room a bit and it is nice to have the Christmas lights and a small tree up.  I can't guarantee I will be here next year and I want to have some feeling of Christmas this year.  I still can't believe it has only been a year since we discovered I was sick.  It seems both like such a long time and a short time all together.  So much has happened directly to me this year.  I did get a lot done outside, small garden, etc...  I can't wait until spring so that I can start on the yard again.  It is so nice to get out in the warmer mornings and work in the fresh air.   I am going to try and stop just playing Minecraft

 Well, it is Monday - bag change day and work :( I slept until almost 6 AM which is crazy.  As is the case on bag changed days, I am thirsty as shit so I will start getting light headed soon if I don't get the bag changed and some water in me.  I haven't eaten or drank anything since 9:30 PM so I should be pretty empty today (fingers crossed).   Well, have to get to my blood sugar and bag changing.  I will write more tomorrow about putting up the Christmas decorations!!! I love you all!

So I am still trying to get my spirits up and into the Christmas mood.  It is hard some days more than others.  I find myself depressed more than anything.  I have never really been much of a social gathering person.  I feel awkward and I don't like just starting conversations.  It gets even worse when it isn't family and friends gatherings.  I would prefer to just hide in the corner and watch everyone - and in the past drinking too much. I have wanted to have a little drink the last few days.  It is easier to resist than I thought it would be.  I think the weed helps :)  I think on Fridays that one won't kill me (cancer is already doing that), but I am not a one drink guy - never have been.  Once I have one, it just goes from there. Enough about my drinking.  Other than an Irish coffee on Thanksgiving, I hadn't had a drink since August 1-3 (don't really remember the exact day, but it was the first week).  So that pretty much puts me at 1 drink in 3 months.  So if n

  So I am really late today (dog woke me up at 2 again) and will need to make this really short.  Things are going OK, still searching for that "Christmas Morning Feeling" (Spirited - Apple TV - I really enjoyed it).  The chemo fog and steroid crashing seems to be dissipating this morning so I am really feeling better.  When I feel better, I feel better about possible longevity and recovery which are all good things. Well, got to get some work done before Tiffany wakes up and I have very little time this morning. I love you all!

  Well, I would like to say that Nala woke me up, but I was starting to wake up and I think somehow she knows.  My bag was feeling full (it wasn't) and I was starting to roll, etc...  Luckily, it was 3:44 AM and not 2 AM.  I have been tired all week and putting the dogs out and then going back to bed until 7ish which is so unlike me.  I usually just stay up, work, clean, make breakfast, etc... I finally got around to taking a shower and as you can see I changed clothes.  I try to get motivated about taking care of myself, but I am pretty depressed.  I miss the joy of the holidays, the spirit that I was full of concerning the possibilities of mankind.  I know that much of that starts with me adjusting my attitude to be at peace.  I know that I can't change others, but I can change me and hope to influence others.  I try to be kind and peaceful.  I think most would say I was a nice guy.  When it comes right down to it, you can truly only control you and hope that others see your

 I am going to be honest - today it is the same sweatshirt and t-shirt.  I wasn't feeling so hot yesterday so no a lot got done for my hygiene.  Such important information I know, but I guess it describes my current state of mind/affairs.  It is funny, days like yesterday I wish I could just do what I want to at home (not work for someone else, not work at all from an occupation standpoint).  I want to fix, clean, and cook.  I want to focus on my health, etc...  However, I should take some solace in the fact that I am still healthy enough to work (such an American thing isn't it - I am healthy enough to work!  Yeah!).   I am feeling a bit better this morning so I will try and keep my blood sugar down today so that I can feel better.  I just really tired of eating only low-carb, no sugar, etc...  It is boring, tasteless, or has a nasty fake sweetener aftertaste.   I bitch about these things, but I feel like I am in a better place than many at this time.  I have hope after hearin

 Really need to retire this sweatshirt for the rest of the week.  It is just over my other shirt, but I bet it can stand on its own.  It is bag change day and I am so incredibly thirsty this morning.  I am going to wake Tiffany at about 4:30 maybe I will be able to get a couple more hours of sleep in after as I am pretty tired. I should just do it myself (the change that is), but Tiffany has become so proficient at it and I would be relegated to using a mirror most of the time leaving me with only one hand to work with.  We haven't done the process standing up in months so grabbing things off the counter and sticking them on me while standing is a possibility, but we get better results when I am laying down. So the steroid sugar effect was really bad yesterday.  My blood sugar was so high in the car that I was pretty sure passing out was a possibility (like when we stopped at the New York welcome center).  With my blood sugar over 300 (which has only been once before), I really nee

Up in the dark hotel room as Tiffany is sleeping.  Just another chemo treatment (only one this week as FUDR liver pump is only every 4 weeks).  I hate that we have to travel all the way here every two weeks and I know that it is weighing on Tiffany.  I wish I could do more to help, but she doesn't really let me.  I suppose I understand.  If she was sick I would be doing the same for her.  I am not sure how I would balance work and caretaker.  I am so happy that she isn't working.  I know that at times she probably wants to as being home all the time can be draining (we are pretty anti-social all the same), but I know she misses getting out and seeing people at times.  She is pretty busy with the girls and all.  I suppose that is kind of like her job now, but a bit thankless and not a lot of reward. I am trying to get the thought that this is my last Christmas out of my head.  I don't talk to Tiffany about it, but I know that she thinks it too.  We don't talk about the b

  I think somedays that even with all my health issues, I am still in better shape than some.  As I sit here typing this, I have energy, I can eat, care for myself, and I am not in pain (well not immense pain, but there are times things hurt, but it is rare anymore).  I take some solace in the fact that I am not at the point of my cancer that I dread.  The uncontrolled weight loss, sick all the time, pain, not able to care for myself.  I hate to put that burden on my family.  I had pride for my ability to care for myself - most of my life honestly.  I like that I didn't need help with much of anything.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the partnership that Tiffany and I have and all the things she does for me and us.  My point is that I could be fully self-sufficient.  There is very little I couldn't do for myself. So I am listening to Christmas music this morning and that is making me nostalgic for the time when I had Christmas spirit.  I would belt out those Christian son

  I am not fearing making it to Christmas or St. Paddy's.  I feel pretty good other than the fact that my stoma always stings and itches.  I suppose that is something I am going to just deal with and learn to ignore it.  I have been enjoying cooking, cleaning, and organizing the kitchen.  I am not sure why I am so obsessed with the kitchen.  Maybe it is because it is the easiest room.  Though full of stuff we use it and clean it (at least the dishes) every day.   I am trying to feel Christmas spirit. I think I have forgotten how to be filled with joy or wonder.  The real world has hit me so hard on so many occasions that I left the young man who still had a childish like wonder about the universe somewhere on the side of the road.  I know I don't have to come into Christmas with a childish wonder, but I think you understand what I mean.  I have got to the point where I realize I have more behind me than in front of me.  I am trying to dig into those Christmases that were so imp

  December 3rd.  My Christmas Milestone is just around the corner.  We are going to get the decorations today and I going to find somethings we haven't put up in a while.  We used to be excited about Christmas and I want to feel a little of that.  I tend not to be excited about the future as I have no idea what it brings. The shorter milestones help me at least plan for those items. Today is bag change day so I haven't had a drop of water since 9:00 PM except for a tiny sip at 2:00 AM.  I feel like a Sahara desert universe lives in my mouth right now.  Tiffany is so awesome to help with the change.  I could do it a lone, but she just makes it so easy.  She really has stepped up and I would call her a caretaker even though I don't really need one at this time. Well, I need to go get all the bag things ready so that I can let Tiffany get up and get back to sleep.  Then I can  also get a drink of water. I love you all!

  My phone camera takes much better pictures than my computer camera (of course).  I am going to try and force myself to be happy today and have asked Tiffany to help me.  I want to decorate the living room like we used to and enjoy Christmas.  I am so depressed that this could be my last Christmas that it is eating away at me and instead of trying to make it something to remember I am angry, sad, and irritable.  That isn't who I am and I used to love Christmas and I am not sure how I lost my childish and wonder approach to the holiday.  Years of trying to pretend that I wanted to be an adult I guess.  Being an adult sucks ass and why would I want to focus on that bullshit. I think everyone in the house is upset and depressed because I am.  They emulate or reflect my attitude and lately I have been letting the cancer win the mental game and I am not going to do that anymore.   Well, I need to get the jars burped, some breakfast, and get my ass to work.   I love you all!

 25 more days until Christmas!  I am certain I will make this milestone.  I was listening to Christmas music on the way to work yesterday.  I need to find the Patrick Stewart doing Christmas Carol audio book (from his stage show) - it is so good. I was thinking yesterday that I had a deep believe in Christmas and Catholicism as a kid.  I wasn't a trained repeating preacher (you know those little evangelicals taught by their parents to quote the bible at every turn).  However, I believed in heaven and hell as well as God, Jesus, and the Devil etc...  I used to have dreams about my indiscretions like taking cookies I wasn't suppose to and the devil was coming to get me because of it. I believed that there was a God in heaven looking over all of us and that Jesus was born to save the world.  I felt joy at Christmas as if everyone in the world was thinking about peace on earth and goodwill to men.  It took years for me to realize that Christmas is just a day to a lot of people and

  Last day of November...  The Christmas milestone is right around the corner.  I feel ok today.  I got a decent night's sleep, I am not in pain or feeling light headed (I should as my blood sugar is still elevated from last night), and I feel a little clear headed this morning. Watched the US barely beat Iran yesterday.  I want to say it was a good game, but it was sloppy football at the end and the US was falling apart in the attacking side of the field (bad passing, confusion, no one making play opportunities, etc...).  I'll take the W however.  Now, a dream come true is to watch them move on from the round of 16 :)  A man can dream. I have been playing a lot of Minecraft lately while sitting in front of the TV.  I suppose it isn't too bad of an activity, Tiffany and I are both out there and we are together.  I should be doing something, but I am not really sure.  We need to get the table in the living room cleaned off so that we can start playing golf and bowling again

 So I am not so much in the blogging mood today as I was up most of the night cramping.  I need more salt in my diet so looks like today is a SPAM day.   With how I feel right now, I see no issue with me making my milestones of Christmas and Saint Patrick's.  That is a good thing.  I know that sometimes the cancer can move fast, but I don't expect that in my case and also have a lot of hope.  I am trying to think of something I can do this Christmas to make it memorable.  I think I may drive everyone around and look at the Christmas decorations.  I have a old Corning colleague that does her house up crazy so I think I will try there too. I was thinking about taking Tiffany to Walker Metalsmith's, but I've done that.  A quick trip to the diamond district?  That isn't really a family thing though.  I kind of wish Gusty and Wyatt were still in the house, at least, for the Christmas.  I liked it when the girls were younger and we were all together.  I suppose I didn'

  Same sweat shirt, different T.  I know you all don't care, but for some unknown reason I would be asking why I am wearing the same sweat shirt so much and the answer would be it isn't dirty as I just sit and play Minecraft, etc...  I am going to finish the giant black rock storage and chronicles building that is by the abandon village and giant John statue.  You can use the water to get to the top of the statue and then you cut through the mountain, through the tree, to the "rope bridge".  There will be an elevator path out, but I haven't even begun to build that.  I was too focused on getting the desert village up before they all disappeared as well, but considering they have 6 iron golems now I think they are ok. I am so scared that I will just all of a sudden take a turn for the worse.  I am positive and trying to do things around the house that benefit the family.  Cleaning, cooking, organizing, and throwing things out.  I need to finish this back room this

  Well the four day weekend has ended :(  I still have today (Sunday) so I guess I have 1 more day. The dog woke me up at 3:39 AM so I suppose I have a good long day.  Probably will play a lot of Minecraft - I'm not gonna lie, I have been doing that in the living room next to Tiffany while we watch whatever we can find on Television.  You know, when I say "TV" I really think of old broadcast television.  I've been nostalgic lately thinking about my family, center street, what things were like for me back then.  I was clueless and that was a good thing.  Imagine burdening a teenager with the stuff you deal with as an adult.  The cluelessness was important at the time. I suppose I need to stop focusing on the mortality side of things.  I just truly don't know how long I have.  It could be months, it could be years.  And one might say, "then get busy doing things" and to that I would have to answer that being here, in the home we built, together - that'

  My coffee is cold already and my hands are freezing.  I am not a fan of cold weather.  The song in the title made me think about something.  You can't really dream about a place without having been there.  Here I am in the cold with my Happy UV Light wishing it was a little warmer and I thought about California.  I have lived in couple places in California for short period of times and travelled a lot of the state as well.  I could imagine a nice warm morning in San Diego, I can dream about it.   All that makes me realize I have had some advantages in life, I guess not advantages but rather opportunities.  I have been to every state or at least drove through, several foreign countries, and lived in Hawaii.  It is funny, because I still feel I need to see more of the world.  I want to see the Eiffel Tower in person, walk in Dublin, see the coast of Greece, etc.. etc...  Funny as our mortality stares us in the face we immediately think about the right now and stop living in the pas

  Again - song lyrics are stuck in my head.  I had the "they do it all the time" line stuck in my head this morning for some reason. Anyhow, Thanksgiving was great.  I spent the whole day watching Christmas movies with Tiffany and I she made a yummy dinner of turkey, potatoes, and gravy.  I really enjoyed it.  The only thing that would have made it better would have been if Gusty and Wyatt could have been here too.  I suppose not having cancer would have made it better as well ;) I hate to say it, but who knows if I will even be around for the next one.  I wonder at times if that goes through Tiffany's head as well.  I suppose it does.  I think that way about the world cup.  I am not so sure I will be here for the next one, I hope I will and I am positive about my chances for the time being. Today we are going to watch the US play England in group play.  I am so hopeful that we could pull out a win.  What a wonderful thing it would be for me to see such an upset in probab

  Happy thanksgiving!  Not really one of my milestones (personally made), my birthday was, Christmas is, and then St. Patrick's.  I Don't know what I will set after St. Patrick's probably the ability to get the garden going in the spring and build some of the raised beds on the side of the yard.  Then my birthday again and repeat. I take some solace in the fact that my liver is still functioning normal and my tumors have shrunk a little since August.  The slow process is painful and I hate waiting for results. Treatment and wait, treatment and wait. I feel good most of them time (minus the chemo and steroids), but not like my old self.  I suppose I am becoming accustomed to the new level of energy (lower than before) and the cloudiness that hits my brain during chemo and steroids.   I suppose I am very lucky compared to some others and I appreciate that.  I suppose that years of training my body to ignore pain and discomfort (sports, marine corps, gym rat, over worker, etc.

  Last day of three in NJ for treatment, scan, and DR meetings took place Mon-Tues and leaving today.  Things went ok a there was no new cancer that they saw.  Liver tumors have reduced slightly since August so I am moving in the right direction.  I read some stories about people's liver tumors just going way with chemo and thought I would like to see that it is probably a surgery in my future if they shrink better. The whole cancer thing freaks me out and I have come to terms that I may not escape this thing.   The trip was good, Tiffany was mad yesterday as I was picking on her driving/parking.  I should do these things but my smart ass mind can't help it. I don't feel like writing this morning.  Little loopy from the steroid and chemo.   I love you all!

  It really is a different day, just same sweatshirt and beanie.   Today is World Cup start day!  Very exciting.  I hate to say it, but I wonder if I will be around for the next one.  Let's not talk about that.   It was also bag change day. We will be off to NJ tomorrow early (7 AM) so that we can get there in time for a last minute MRI the surgeon wanted.  I can guarantee he is going to want me to do chemo for one more cycle (3 months) and then scan again and re-evaluate.  It is a bit of a double-edged sword with me, because I want those tumors out of me, but I also don't want to go through surgery and recovery with them not being able to do anything. At the moment, I feel pretty good.  I am still getting used to being active with the ostomy.  It feels weird and you always know it is there, it isn't like you ever forget about it. I was thinking this morning that there are a lot of things you learn about yourself when you are smacked in the side of head with the 2x4 of life

  We are spirits in the material world...  I did not enjoy going to work this week.  I really don't like people.  I am not certain how long I have had this disdain for others, but it didn't start in the pandemic.  I honestly just prefer to be alone except for my family.  This is such a nature vs nurture thing.  Is it long times alone as a child that made me comfortable with long periods of isolation from others?  Who knows... either way I would prefer not to talk to my co-workers at all or most anyone other than my immediate family. I have been getting somewhat paranoid about what my prognosis is.  I suppose I am not so stupid to read all the stats, others experiences, and current suffers blogs, to know that most likely next year (6 months) things could turn to the bad.  People with my condition get 2-5 years.  They had some lower numbers in the most recent stats, but those are outliers and most likely the very elderly.  I am coming up on year one in Jan so I am getting a littl

 I will be honest, I don't feel like typing this morning.  No so much anything to do with the cancer, but more so the last day of the first week back to work, dogs think that I am going to give them treats all the time in the morning for some reason so they harass me constantly.  I mean what are they thinking, I can't reward that naughty behavior so they aren't going to get a treat at all.  Horrible puppy catch 22... Either way, other than being tired and having some lightheaded issues I have felt pretty good.  I am quite confident that my night cramping issue is dehydration and lack of nutrients (calcium, magnesium, potassium) so I have started to supplement them and last night I had one cramp on the bottom of my foot only so that is improvement. Off to make some breakfast... Love you all!

  So it is only Thursday.  I have worked all of 2 days in the office and I don't want to be there anymore.  It isn't that I don't like working as I just did the dishes at 4:00 AM in the morning.  It is more that I am tired of not doing for me.  Don't get me wrong, I like doing things for others, but work, in my case, is doing things for a small group of people so that they can be wealthy.  I feel like that I have been working so that someone else can live better than me my whole life.  I suppose that people that worked for me at Corning felt the same way about me.  I can't say for sure on that one.  I tried to lead by example and work harder than anyone that worked for me.  I suppose in the long run there is always someone that is jealous of your success or station in life.  However, the myth that you can just "work hard" and you will be there to is false.  Luckily, I have been in the right place at the right time to get some advantages, but it wasn't

  Same sweatshirt different day :)  I was up at 3AM as my bag was full and then "the dog" barked so I slept on the recliner from 3:30 to 5:30.  I don't sleep great in that chair, but I sleep.   Speaking of the bag, it was a good thing I was wearing my stronger belt and support or I would have definitely had blowout #3.  There was a ton of gas and liquid.  It would have made a huge mess. I hate that I have to get up 2-3 times a night as I am scared or another major leak, but I guess the better belt system should give me some security and ability to sleep. It is really cold this morning in the back room.  It isn't as cold outside as it has been as it is 34 degrees which is warm in comparison to a couple other mornings.  However, this is good as it snowed yesterday so this mean the wintery mix will be nearly all rain - I will take that as much as I hate cold weather rain.  Let's face it, lately I just hate being cold. My family wants to get together, but Tiffany an

 Well, I am going back in the office today and it feels a bit like the twilight zone.  I wish I was going back healed or in remission, but just going back capable.  Why you ask, one, I need health care coverage and the money.  Two, if we do go on a vacation, I don't want people judging us for doing something in public, but I can't come to work?  I complain about those things when it is other people.  Lastly, it makes me feel normal. (As I can right now). Ok, so I have to go get ready.  Sorry for the short message, but it was bag change day so I am already behind.   New bag, back to work, it's an all new day! I love you all!

  I know, title...  I am listening to the Stranger Things 4 soundtrack on LP (for you young ones, those are those big black CDs, and for the really young ones, fuck I'm old).  I really like the stereo and wish I had a bit more time to enjoy it, but I guess that makes the time I do a little bit better. [Insider note:  This post has been interrupted 6 times.  Yes, those few sentences.  Dogs...  They can be so helpful]  I think the draw is connecting me to a time when I was younger.  The music is clearer if the album is good quality.  A lot of the "only at this store" records I have been getting seem to be a bit washed out and lack that clear wall of sound you expect from an analog record. Tiffany and ran around a lot this weekend.  It was nice to spend time with her even if it was just shopping and taking the car to get the tires swapped.  Oh, and did I time that to the last minute! I kind of spent a good 2+ hours in my room today.  Not like that, I was sorting through clo