If you ever change your mind. About leaving, leaving me behind... December 30, 2022


 Well, it is Tiffany's birthday.  I once again didn't do anything major and I feel bad.  I mean mail ordering would be fine, but I can't really get out of the house without her knowing I am leaving so running to a jewelry store isn't exactly something I can do.  However, anyone can buy something and I am not sure that I can give Tiffany a gift that shows how thankful I am of her.  It isn't just the last year of her taking care of me, keeping me together when I first learned I had cancer, or how much she loves our children.  It is her.  She is a beautiful, loving, strong, and passionate woman that has, for some reason, given her love and life to me and I thank the magic of the universe for that everyday.  So how do I buy a birthday gift for that?  How do I show her how much I love her?  I make dinner?  I am making broiled lobster tail, mushroom risotto in parmesan creme sauce, and caramelized brussel sprouts - that is a start.  I get so self indulged with my cancer that I forget the other people around me need as much or more attention than I do to get through this shit.  

I have been feeling ok and I hope that is a sign that things are fine with the cancer.  My sugars are pretty much fucked and I need to start eating better (less refined sugar, etc...), but I also have been enjoying trying to feel normal or what used to be normal at least when it comes to food.  I suppose it is best for my health to just cut out the cookies, etc...  Let's start doing that next week with treatment.  It was the holidays, I splurged and ate poorly (go figure), and now I have to be better about this.  However, returning to the start of this, I wish there was some way to tell whether I was getting better or worse.  The not knowing is nerve racking.

Yesterday I got news that one of the first people with CRC I started to follow on Twitter passed away.  From what I can tell from Twitter posts, she was fighting cancers (not just CRC) for about 6 years.  Reading through her posts, she kept a really good attitude all the way through her journey and she helped me look at this from a different perspective.  There are probably some inevitability to my condition; and I don't have any control over the shit show at the end, but I do have control over what happens between now and then.  I am trying, and I think I am doing ok, to make those days happy or at least making sure those around me know I love them.

Well, time to get some other things done.

I love you all!

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