February 27, 2022

 Tiffany is amazing!  I know that she doesn't feel well as she has an infection in her kidney due to her stones.  She continues to take care of me regardless.  In the morning, I am generally able to get around without issue (except for the pain in my side), but by afternoon I am generally really tired.  More tired than you should be from just sitting around.  Eating zaps every bit of strength out of me for some reason leaving me extremely lightheaded.  I try to hide how bad I am feeling after eating as I know it upsets her.

I have a lot of hope about upcoming treatment.  I expect to start on chemo as everything I read suggests they won't go after the tumors in my liver via surgery.  What I fear is that if the chemo doesn't slow the progression of the liver metastatic disease that I will get real sick in the coming year.  I had an ultrasound a year ago that didn't show any lesions on the liver and a year later I have several.  Hopefully, the removal of alcohol and the better diet helps slow things down.

I added Pollen Burst back to the mix yesterday and a couple cups of coffee.  I was a little worried the the caffeine was causing me to be lightheaded, but it really is centered around the eating.  The caffeine does seem to make me a little shaky, but I feel like it helps with the energy as well.

I have been really worried about money lately and health insurance for the family.  It was always going to be my job to bridge Tiffany to Medicare and ensure the girls had insurance at least until they were 26.  I feel bad for not getting Maeve driving sooner.  I can't even remember what had been more important, but there was always something... There is always something.  All the things you put off, all the things that can wait are usually the things you regret later.  I am certain I would not feel guilty if I had chosen not to work on a weekend, or evening.  If I had chosen not to drink at noon so that I could be available to my children - Yep, that I wouldn't feel guilty about.

Speaking of drinking, most days I have been thinking about having a beer or a shot of Jameson.  It passes, but I am starting to realize how much of my time I lost to weekend alcohol.  Not sure what else I would have done.  I do miss the all day outdoor grilling, etc...  This spring I will need to get that area cleaned up and make some things that we will all eat.  Something about cooking for the family made me feel useful.  I haven't felt useful in a long time.  I know I mad the money for a few years, but I just feel like I stopped being dad there for a while.  Go to work, come home, eat, drink, sleep, repeat.

Well my 15 minutes is up.  I feel good this morning, not stoned yet, but soon.  Speckles is late and just started harassing me to get in my lap.  Writing with the "happy light" on helps a lot.  The only thing I miss about Hawaii, the sun and salt air.  It suited me.  But honestly, I wouldn't change a thing about the decision to move home.

I love you all!