February 25, 2022

 Yesterday was a tough day.  I bled a bit and my stomach hurt a lot.  I feel a bit better this morning (still bleeding a little), but I am worried about after I eat.  When I don't feel good it hurts Tiffany so I try to hide when I am in a little pain so that she can have a good day.  It is funny how when you have cancer it is almost impossible to get it off your mind.  I know that anywhere beyond 2 years is a gift and I am trying to figure out what to do with those days, but it really isn't about me.  I think about that Tim McGraw song, Live Like you Were Dying, I don't want to go sky diving (done that) or ride a bull, but I agree with the love deeper.  I don't think I have ever felt as much love for my wife and family as I do now.  It is funny how we take things for granted and I am so sorry if I did.  

I have a tough decision come Tuesday about which hospital to trust with my care.  To some extent it is a no-brainer that Sloan has the expertise in this space. I'm worried what the constant travel to NYC will do to Tiffany.  She doesn't like driving in the city and I am not sure that after chemo I could drive out.  I don't mind driving in the city, none of that ever bothered me.  In fact, I liked living in the city.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't pass on our home in the country ever.  There were times I wanted more, bigger house, etc... but sitting in this little valley with our back porch facing the sunset has always put my existence in perspective.  Sitting staring at the sun as it drops below the hill has always been so satisfying for me.  It is even better when I am sitting with Tiffany, the dogs running around, and the remain birds singing before they go silent for the night.  I take a lot of comfort in the fact that we enjoyed that deck as much as we did.  

I built that when Jean died.  Since I have grilled breakfast for the girls on a sleepover.  Ali ate way too many pancakes of the grill.  I used my grandparents old cast iron griddle on the 4 foot smoker to make those.  There were quesadillas on the grill, pizza, etc...  I used to do a lot out there for the family as far as cooking goes.  Then I let myself get consumed by work.  

I say it was about taking care of the family, but I also think I didn't feel accomplished or successful.  I have always thought of myself as average or less than others.  I am not sure why my self image is one of an incapable child.  I have been pretty successful in life as far as I am concerned and we have enjoyed the hard work that both Tiffany and I did to get this far.  Without Tiffany's hard work we would never have been able to put ourselves in the financial position we are.  Lord knows my teaching didn't bring in the cash, but it did afford me the time to be with the kids and build the addition and deck.  I guess it is always a trade off.

Either way, I regret being so career focused and trying to claw my way to the top.  The political bullshit pulled me in and I feel dirty for even playing the game.  I miss the days of just playing in the classroom lab after the students left.  Building something cool that they could play with the next day.  I try to do that at home sometimes.  

Well the timer has gone off.  The writing is helping me get emotion out.  I don't know if someday it will help my wife and kids know where my head was or who I was.  I suppose my actions in life speak more than a 15 minute a day blog.

I love you always