February 14, 2022

 I feel really good in comparison this morning.  I still have a cramp in my side, but I don't feel like I am going to pass out and the extreme pain in my stomach isn't as bad.  I had a really decent amount of food yesterday, things haven't passed the way they should, but I am not extremely bloated.  Speaking of dinner, it was super bowl Sunday and instead of the deep fried smorgasbord we had fruit and yogurt.  Tiffany has been amazing.  I know she is struggling with her own health items having a stint and a large stone in both kidneys, but she has been so amazing for me.  I love her so much and I know that she loves me as well.  

Yesterday was a much better day and when I did start feeling a little bad in the afternoon I kept it to myself, got stoned, relaxed playing solitaire on the computer and watched a movie.  Maeve, Tiffany, and I ran around yesterday as well.  We got lunch at Cracker Barrel.  I hate that place, but the food was okay and I was out of the house with my family - it was needed and nice.  We hadn't been out of the house in some time and I honestly can't remember the last time, before the holidays I think.  I really haven't felt well and have been near passing out on several days by the afternoon, generally when I am at work.  I am hoping that this was caused by a diabetes medication that my DR prescribed me as I cold turkey'd that medication and I am beginning to get back to at least how I felt at the beginning of the month.

Today starts two days of tests.  I have a liver biopsy today and then an endoscopy and colonoscopy tomorrow.  I hope these show some data and though I am terrified, I am trying to keep the bad thoughts out.  I was in a bad place early in the week when I first got the news.  A little bit of why me, a lot of thinking about the mistakes in my life and how I could have been a better person, an immense amount of envy towards other people that take far worse care of their bodies not going through this, and then I had a deep thought early Saturday morning.  

I have lived a great life thus far.  I have the love of soul mate and the passion, attraction, and joy I feel with her is gift that I hope everyone might experience once in their lives.  I have lived all over the place and been able to visit amazing places.  I lived in Hawaii for 14 years and was able to enjoy the beauty of the islands and consider there home as much as I do upstate NY.  I have traveled all over the world, Europe, Asia, Central America, and nearly every state in the country (I drove through them at least).  I kayaked with killer whales in Puget sound, killer whales literally swam under my kayak, it was surreal.  I have been able to do things that many people never experience and only dream about.  I was looking forward to doing these things with Tiffany and I still hope to have the opportunity to go with her to some of the areas that truly moved me, such as the Berlin wall, the great sequoias, the mountains of the west coast, and the Oregon coast.  I refuse to think that I won't have time to experience some of those things with her.  No matter what, we are going to Ireland.  

Well, my 15 minutes are up and Bear is harassing my.  I love all these stinker butts and I love all of you even more.  Amazing how all of this has put my life in perspective and made me realize my priorities.