February 24, 2022

 So I missed yesterday.  I actually stayed up until after 10:00 on Tuesday and slept in later than Tiffany.  Wasn't hard as she had to get up at 7:00 AM.  I didn't feel very well this morning.  It may have been because the dogs woke me up at 3:00 AM.  It was hard to get back to sleep.  I had also slept a couple of hours in my chair before going to bed.  I was pretty tired - strange as I didn't do much yesterday (I'll get to that) but I was pretty stoned all day so that may have been an issue.  I did eat a lot yesterday and expect I was well over 2000 calories.  My weight has stabilized at around 211 so I am not dumping weight any longer.  The shock of hearing I have cancer really shoved me into depression, but I am a bit better now.  It is strange walking around knowing that on average you have 2 to 5 years of life left.  You just want to bust out and do as much with your family as you can, but then you don't have the energy and you need to do chemo.  

Yesterday, I got right up and started working.  I cleaned the dog messes outside a bit and did most of the cat boxes.  It felt good to be helpful instead of a burden.  I don't understand how to be a sit around do nothing kind of person.  I am still worried about Tiffany.  I think the knowing and getting a plan of care has been helpful, but I can't imagine what she is going through.  Having cancer and facing your mortality is tough, but it is different for my wife.  I miss her and she is right in the house with me.  I am sure she feels the same way.  We had so many plans and so much life ahead of us - we still do.  We are both very hopeful about modern care and possibilities, but I think like me, the bad creeps in.

I have to get ready for work today.  I really have been phoning it in as of late.  I feel bad about that - somewhat.  If I was still at Corning, I wouldn't feel bad at all - I gave them way more than they gave me.  I have to think of some things to do outside of the house as a distraction, but the weather this time of year sucks ass.  I can't wait for spring.

Well, I have to stop and get ready to do to the office.

I love you all so very much!

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