February 19, 2022

If I seem incoherent it is because I am stoned. Yesterday started out good and lunch with Jamie was nice. I felt good all day (except for the pain in my side and the bloating - of course).  Unfortunately, the GI's office called to schedule a meeting and they dropped a medical oncology meeting on my upcoming visit schedule.  This kind of set the day down a sad path.

We already knew from the surgical oncologist that this was cancer (he was pretty certain), but we were still holding out hop for something else or cancer in only one location.  It hit us both pretty hard.  We kept on a good show when Maeve was in the room.  There was crying, then hopefulness, then anger... You don't realize that the people you know that had cancer or another terminal illness went through the cycles of grieve every day.  Some one should tell you that.  

Speaking of Maeve, at 19 I know that she is a young adult, and I am so proud of her, but I will always see her as my little girl.  The baby I carried in one arm at 2:00 am singing go to sleep songs while rocking her.  Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep little Maevy...  I wonder if she remembers me signing April, Come She Will most every night I put her to bed.  I remember one time Gusty and Maeve asked me to sing it to them at Carole's house on the lake.  I don't know why that moment always sticks in my thoughts.  Maybe because I was so happy to do it or that I loved when I could be dad to both my girls.

Most of the time this writing makes me cry.  Believe it or not the crying takes the pressure out of my chest.  I assume that some of my not feeling well lately has been stress, anxiety, and sadness.  The crying gets that out.  The writing every morning helps as well.  I am a flood of memories lately, great things we did, items I could have done better...  I push them out with hearing Tiffany say that all that is past and we have to focus forward.  One day at a time...  I would be so lost in life with her.

I love you all so very much.