February 28, 2022

 Yesterday was nice.  I didn't do much, I was pretty active in the morning, continued to clean the office and then moved the PS5 to the living room.  Maeve and I played It Takes Two (Tiffany was having a hard time with the camera and the moving - she tried to play and I love her for always doing things with me - she is just that awesome).  It was nice to play with Maeve.  I feel guilty about that.  My gaming phase was when I was younger.  Don't get me wrong, I still love gaming, but I just seem to have a difficult time focusing.  I think lately it is all the bullshit in my head.  

I was looking forward to having some time to do things like that once I got the new job.  More time with Tiffany, the kids, and frankly more time for me.  I was so jealous of my friends as they always seemed to have more time than me.  I don't think it was the work load as much as I let it consume me.  The last year I was tired all the time and I think we know why that is.  I have been trying not to think about the could have, should have, etc...  There is nothing I can do about the past.  

But there is something I should be doing about the future.  I try to be active and present as much as I can lately.  I don't know so much that it is the cancer or the depression of knowing it is there.  I do feel better when I am active so I need to start remembering that.  I need to do it within reason though as I get a lot more pain on my side if I over-do.

I have been thinking a lot about Tiffany.  Even though there has been some difficult times, the last 21+ years in our home has been wonderful.  She is such a great woman with so much love.  It is what has kept me going all these years.  I have always been driven to impress her and care for her.  Part of this diagnosis makes me feel less capable of that and it upsets me.

Well, my 15 minutes are up - typing in the "happy light" helps a lot.  No getting stoned today as I need to go to work.

I love you all

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