February 12, 2022

 Yesterday was hard.  It is difficult for me to see the pain that me being sick is causing Tiffany.  I am still hopeful that I have some kind of intestinal blockage and this will all blow over.  I have been getting pretty swimmy headed by about 2:00 PM and I find myself tired and incapable of focus.  This may be due to the fact that I'm not eating.  I am trying today to eat some calories early when I have slept and feel a bit better than I do at dinner time.  My weight is down to 213.6 this morning from 222.3 at the beginning of the week.  I needed to lose weight, but not like this.

Speaking of tough days, today I will tell my family what we know thus far.  This will be a hard conversation.  My mother has had to deal with a lot of loss.  It is pretty rough to think that the end of your life is filled with so much loss of life.  I think it is important to reflect on the journey and the joy behind you.  

I have had such great joy in my life.  I can remember the joy in Tiffany's dad's eyes the day I asked him to marry her.  I remember Tiffany's brother being very concerned for her when I asked him.  I remember barely being able to say our vows as I was all choked up.  Not from sadness, but from the immense joy of finally being with the woman who had invaded my thoughts from the time I was 15.  I remember the first time we had sex in my house on center street how beautiful she was and she has become more beautiful year over year.  She looked so amazing pregnant with our child and I am so blessed that we had our daughter.  Maeve, I love you so very much and Gusty, though biologically you are not my daughter, I have never thought of you as anything other than my little girl.  No matter how big either of you get, you will always be my little beautiful girls.

It has been hard for me to reach back into my early memories as I have gotten older.  I wonder how much of them are real or just some version that I have created in my head.  I have been thinking a lot about life on Center street.  Family vacations and camping at Hidden Valley.  We didn't have a lot, but we made due and mom and dad made sure we got to have some enjoyment in life.  I remember playing crazy things like over the house Jarts with Bernie and volley ball over the clothes line with Martina.  Also, many an evening of kick the can out in the school parking lot with most of the neighborhood that was willing to play.

I used to think of all the time spent goofing off as a kid as waisted.  Now, I realize I should have spent a lot more time goofing off as an adult.  Fucking Marine Corps made me so serious and focused.  Double edge sword I guess, it helped me succeed, but removed a lot of my ability to relax.

Well my 15 minutes are up.

I love you all so very very much