February 13, 2022

 I suppose I should use a better title than the date.  I haven't had much of a sense of humor the last few days.  I told my family about my possible diagnosis, it went okay and they were very supportive.  I wanted to make a joke at the beginning to say that I had decided to become a woman, but Tiffany thought that was in poor taste (she always right about these things - there, I said it, you are right all the time :) ).  I had a really bad pain bout around 2:00 PM after waking up from a nap, I texted my friend Jamie as I needed someone to talk to and wanted to let Tiffany have a break as she was out of the house with Maeve.  I'll write about Maeve in a bit.  I ended up calling my sister Martina.  We were really close in our youth, but I have grown apart from everyone.  She is the strongest of my siblings and honestly the one I have the largest connection to.  Everyone called us twins as children and we always had a tight bond.  My path in life taught me to close out all of my feelings in order to control my anger which has led to me being pretty emotionless, which was a mistake.  I probably should have gone to counseling back in the day, but "men don't do these things".  Mart talked me through the pain with just some conversation and I found that if I can get things out of my system (not going any farther than that) I feel a bit better, but I still have a constant cramp in my side now.  Sometimes it is just under the rib cage (near my liver) and other times it is farther down my side.  I also find myself pretty dizzy and confused a bit, concentration is really hard which is not normal for me.  

As to Maeve, I know she is struggling with her feelings and I know like Tiffany and I she has a hard time expressing her emotions.  I wish I could make her and Tiffany feel well and have joy.  It has been my goal in life to make them happy, safe, and care-free.  Life almost never agrees with these things.  Watching Deadpool other night and the quote he said just before collapsing in his apartement with Vanessa, "Life is an endless series of train-wrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness" really struck home.  It reminded me of the old Bergman film Seventh Seal.  No time to get in the details, but suffice to say one of the messages is that we have to focus on the good times, the milk and strawberries with family and friends.  The main character Antonius Block (Knight) talks about the milk and strawberries gathering when he states, "Ill carry this memory between my hands as if it were a bowl filled to the brim with fresh milk... And it will be an adequate sign - it will be enough for me."

I will start remember the good times, bring them to the front of thoughts and carry them "as if it were a bowl filled to the brim with fresh milk"

Today's time is up.  I love you all with all my being.