February 21, 2022

I missed a day :( 

I got up early 3:30 AM yesterday because the dogs were barking and went back to bed after get stoned.  Slept until 7 something, so it threw my rhythm off.  All in all, yesterday was a good day.  Tiffany and I did some running around, at over 2000 calories, and other than the constant pain in my side as well as being lightheaded now and then the day went well.  We almost played a round of VR bowling, but Tiffany was feeling a little dizzy.

I feel so bad for her.  I try holding her and not talking about preparing for all the shit that comes with having cancer.  It will hit us soon enough this week when we see the doctors again.  I was talking about life prep, etc... but she is an emotional wreck inside as I am sure she is struggling with all kinds of issues.  I wish there was a magic thing I could do or say to make her feel better.  On top of all this she is struggling with a large kidney stone that made her extremely sick just a little over a week ago (I think, the time is just smashing together).

Today is my first day back to work since all the tests.  I am not sure how I will handle it, but we will see.  I want to just stay home with Tiffany and Maeve, but I know the if I add some regular day items to my routine it might help with me feeling normal and not sick.  However, it doesn't do much for Tiffany.  I am hoping that maybe be being out of the house gives her the opportunity to work on other things and get her mind off from me or cancer.

I can't help to think about all the things that are going through her head.  Money, life after me, our daughters, etc - we have always been a team and we tackle these things together.  If you read this someday Tiffany, know that I want you to be happy, I've always wanted you to be happy.  It pains me to write that as we had so many post retirement plans - quiet years :) 

This is what hurts me the most, but I bet everyone has the same feelings when struck with this news. "I wanted to do more", "I was waiting for a bit more money", "it just wasn't the right time", but I think that maybe some of the planned items may not have ever happened.  If you think about all the items that pop up in life from taking care of the daughters to parents needing help, there is always something that stops you from doing what you "want" to do.  Thinking about it, the things you should do (need to do), like taking care of your children, pets, or parents, is what you have to do.  It is what life is all about.  Dreams are only dreams until you find the time in your crazy life to make them a reality.  But I don't believe you should ignore the responsibilities in life to cater to yourself.  I've tried not to be extremely selfish.  It has been hard at times as "she got those shoes".  However, you figure out as time goes on that it isn't about you, its about us, and us is great.

I mean it we, Tiffany, the girls, and I - we are great.  I have been looking through all the pictures that I have been putting on the external drive and we are wonderful.  There are so many things you forget and you need to look at the smiles on everyone's faces to remember that there are good times, lots of them.  I have lived a really great life.  I have lately been trying to put my situation in perspective.  There are so many people that come down with cancer that have not had the chance to live like I have, that have lived with little joy or in the case of children a life tragically cut short.  Sometimes I feel like I have lived many lives.  I have had a lot of opportunity.  Don't get me wrong, I am not ready to stop living; and I am not ready to throw in the towel.  I am however, aware of the fact that I have had a great deal of joy in my life.

Well, time is up today.  I love you all so very much.