February 22, 2022

 Well a doctor finally gave the definitive news.  I have colon cancer.  It has moved to my liver.  This really does suck ass.  If you read this far, I knew this was the case, but now it is "true".  I have to wait until tonight to meet with the surgical oncology department and then March 1 for the medical oncologist.  The waiting is hard on all of us.  In my field, I have become so accustomed to fixing something immediately and staying up all night until it is working again.  This idea of slow response is so foreign to me that I am having a hard time not screaming at someone.  There slowness and lack of urgency seems like a lack of concern, but I have to find patience.  It is not something I have been very good at. 

We told the girls yesterday as well.  Maeve was already in the know as she spends enough time around Tiffany and I.  She is so smart and much stronger than we assume.  I am so proud of the young lady she has become.  She wrote me this very wonderful letter, I am sure it is hard for her to express emotion and weakness like the rest of us.  She did grow up in this house.  I am not sure how Gusty took it as she was on the phone with Tiffany.  I am proud of her as well.  The things she has had to endure the last couple of years is so stressful and it just got worse with Dylan's injury.  I wish she would realize that there is no way he will reciprocate the amount of love that she gives him.  I'm not sure he is capable as he is to selfish.

Speaking of love, I am so heartbroken by how much this is hurting Tiffany.  I too am not sure that I can reciprocate or show her how much she means to me.  I think about the last 21+ years together with 20 of them married.  They have gone by so fast.  I know we have a ton of great memories and I can honestly say that I have never had a friend like her.  And yes, I meant friend.  Beyond the love, the sexual attraction, the commitment, Tiffany is my best friend.  The perfect relationship of give and take (probably more take on my side than give and I regret that).  We have always let each other be ourselves and have excepted the person right in front of us.  It has been one of the joys in my life to watch our relationship grow.  I have stopped and thought about that a lot.  I think some of the little things have always been important.  Holding hands in the car, making sure to kiss and hug before one of us goes to bed, telling each other, "I love you" at every opportunity that arises.  These little things have never seemed forced with me, just the opposite, they are essential.  One of those items is kissing her in her sleep in the morning when I leave for work.  I did it almost every day after she retired.  I worried it woke her up, but I don't think she cared.  Just didn't seem right leaving the house without kissing her.

I am not writing about the sex (though it is amazing and wonderful), because it isn't the pinnacle of a relationship.  It is an extension of our desire and love.  I have always found Tiffany extremely attractive from the moment I met her until this very day.  I wish I'd done it more, we were always tired, busy, too many kids in the house, kids not asleep, etc...  but I suppose that is the way it is with all married couples that have children at home.  We've had our fun all the same and I am trying to work up the ability to have some more even in my condition, but I need to wait for her to feel better with the kidney stone and all.  I am not sure my system is capable as I am a little messed up internally, but I am plan on giving it go once she has the kidney stone removed.  I think it is important for the two of us to feel close like that.  Or just normal I guess.  There has been way too much emotional pain as of late.

My time was up a while ago, but writing has become a little easier.  I still cry through the whole thing.  

I love you all