February 17, 2022

 I feel pretty good this morning.  Not a lot of blood in my stool this morning (like you needed to hear that), but I was a little scared about that yesterday.  I need to try and get my calories up today.  I am not sure what I should be eating as there is so much conflicting information on line about diets.  I know that I have cut out most meat as it just doesn't sound good.  Actually, nothing sounds good.  

I changed the water jug today.  I slid it across the floor on sliders as I am not suppose to pick up anything over 10 lbs for a week.  I am at my wits end with a lot of this and in the afternoon when I don't feel well is the worst.  It makes the fact that I might have terminal cancer go shooting right to the front of my thoughts, which than exacerbates how I am feeling.  

I was thinking about the last 22 years of my life.  Moving back home was a no-brainer as I love Tiffany so much, but it really has been wonderful.  We talk about the things we want to do, but we should realize that we had a really good time.  We had passion, and love, and laughs.  I think about when we first got the Nintendo game cube and we all played Mario Kart in the living room or the hours of Wii bowling.  The large bonfires, the family cookouts, just the quiet evenings on the deck.  Gusty should know I have the high score in the 3-point competition on the Wii (I had to do it all morning on New Years 2022).  I knew there was something wrong with me that morning to be honest.  Playing that little game and popping my hand in the air over my shoulder I felt like I was going to pass out afterwards.  I probably shouldn't have put that in this paragraph of nice stuff.

I guess my point is that no matter how this goes, I am happy with my life.  We always wish we had more time, more quality time with our loved ones, but I think there is no amount of time with you all that would satisfy me or make me say that I have spent enough time with you.  You should know that there was many a time when I was at work and I felt guilty I wasn't home with you all.  Many a time while I traveled that I wish you were there to share it with me.  

I will say that I spent way too much time trying to get material wealth.  Don't get me wrong, my success in life led to us having the things we have, affording to take care of our family, but I should have saved more and controlled my spending.  It wasn't until later in life that I started getting my finances under control.  I suppose this is a lesson we all learn.  As I have gotten older, I don't want any of those things any more.  I wouldn't care if I was driving the old Mazda to work, except when it rained as it through water all over the trunk and a little in the back seat.  I guess what I am getting at, and mostly for the girls, don't let the pursuit of "stuff" get in the way of your life.  Know this that once you are on that path, there can never be enough stuff.  It's like a drug.  Have what you need, maybe a bit of what you want, find a way to satisfy yourself without always having to buy things.

Well - today's 15 minutes are up.  I love you all of you desperately.  And Tiffany, thank you for trying to stay so strong, I know this has been so hard on you.  That I think hurts me more than what is going on inside of me.  I have spent the last 22 years trying to make you happy and comfortable.  Hopefully, I did that somewhat.  Love you bunches...