This was from Feb 9 and 10

 These two posts were done elsewhere, but I am putting it here so that it can exist a little longer.  I had almost forgot about this location until I couldn't sleep last night (Feb 10 - 11) and remembered that I always wanted to just write crap everyday.  I guess I have something to write about now.

February 9, 2022

Yesterday I got some bad news. I had some test that show results that are pretty damn scary and yesterday afternoon a surgeon stated that I most likely have cancer. I haven't felt well in several months maybe longer and I should have been taking better care of myself. I kick myself for that but I don't want to go down that path right now. I want to talk about my plan. I have decided to take whatever time I have left in this world and write 15 minutes every morning about where I am in this journey and remembering the people that I love so desperately. I need to stop reading the internet about life expectancy and survival rates as I don't even know what is wrong or even that I definitively have cancer. All I know right now is that I have lesions on my liver. So I am going to keep hopeful that I have something else and this is all just going to blow over.

I will probably write this everyday, but Tiffany you have always been in my thoughts from the moment I fell in love with you and every day since then even when we were apart. There is nothing that has ever felt so right than being with you. No matter what joy has transpired in my life pales to just a moment with you. Everything that I do, I do for you and our family. You are my everything and I am sorry that I have not always been the most accessible person but I have shown my love the best way I can.

To my beautiful and wonderful daughters: You are so precious to me. I hope that you both know what joy I take in being your father. It has been the greatest gift in my life to watch you grow. I know that I am not the most affectionate person, but I hope that I have shown you how much I love you and how desperately I have tried to protect you and nurture you.

I'm going to work this morning. I am an emotional wreck, hopefully being out of the house can give me something to focus on. One of the items I am truly concerned about is bridging Tiffany to retirement and ensuring that there is enough resources for her to not have to go back to work. I fear that my possible care will cost too much and drain our resources. It has always been so important to me that my family has what they need and want without struggle. It pains me to think that I won't be around to help them.

I refuse to keep the attitude that I won't get through this.

To Tiffany: I think you know that I have never backed down from a fight. I haven't won them all, but damn it people knew they were fighting me. That isn't going to change, I will keep fighting until you tell me I can rest because I have given my life to you and our family. This will always be a universal truth, "I could never give back to you all even a fraction of the joy it has been to be your husband and father to our children".

I love you all so very much

February 10, 2022

Yesterday was tough. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I might have terminal cancer. I didn't feel well at all and my nerves have my blood pressure through the roof. I thought that going to work would help, but I found my self thinking about the family more than anything. I feel guilty for not spending more time with you all. Not just Tiffany, Gusty, and Maeve, but the whole family. I miss Popo all the time, I look over at that house and I realize how many years I was away. I know that the experience of leaving NY and joining the corps is responsible for who I am today, the good and the bad (it is ok if you hum the theme to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly right now), but I can't help thinking about how much time I lost with you all. I would say I regret not having those years with Tiffany, but then I would never have had the joy of contributing to raising Gusty. They next time you throw a kitchen towel over your shoulder Gusty, remember that it came from me and I got that from Grandma Owens. Maeve, you don't remember, but we spent a lot of time together after your mother went back to work. I know that I could have made a lot more money if I wasn't teaching, but having that time with you is some of my most precious memories. I wish I spent more time with you in the kitchen, I know you asked and I am sorry I didn't listen. I had become so used to being alone in Hawaii that I forget how nice it is to work with someone you love. And Gusty, as frustrated as I sounded helping you with your homework, it was nice to have something to share with you. Both you girls need to realize that you are capable of so much, you have to give a little effort, buckle down and focus. Also, don't settle for someone that doesn't treat you as well as I treat your mother. Your significant other should be fully committed to you and desperately in love with you no matter how long you've been together.

Speaking of love, I have always had a hard time showing affection, I know this. I keep most of my emotions bottled up and they generally come out as frustration, shortness, and anger; which is generally directed at the wrong person. I apologize for that, I scream a lot because I never really fully controlled my anger, but its better than it was in my 20s. Tiffany, Gusty, and Maeve, I need you to take care of each other. Don't spread apart like I did from my family, I have a tendency to live in my head. A little of my own secret life of Walter Mitty. I play my mistakes over and over, try to figure out my next moves in things, but rarely am I in the moment. I regret this. I know that I tend to think different than others, but I've missed out on a lot of life.

I promised myself I would only write for 15 minutes a morning so today is done. I cry through the entire process, but it actually makes me feel better. Maybe I didn't cry enough in my life. 

I think about you all everyday and I just want to stay home with you all, I don't care what we do, I just want to be with you as much as I know routine is important right now