Children sleeping, snow is softly falling. Dreams are calling, like bells in the distance... December 9, 2022

 

Well, I would like to say that Nala woke me up, but I was starting to wake up and I think somehow she knows.  My bag was feeling full (it wasn't) and I was starting to roll, etc...  Luckily, it was 3:44 AM and not 2 AM.  I have been tired all week and putting the dogs out and then going back to bed until 7ish which is so unlike me.  I usually just stay up, work, clean, make breakfast, etc...

I finally got around to taking a shower and as you can see I changed clothes.  I try to get motivated about taking care of myself, but I am pretty depressed.  I miss the joy of the holidays, the spirit that I was full of concerning the possibilities of mankind.  I know that much of that starts with me adjusting my attitude to be at peace.  I know that I can't change others, but I can change me and hope to influence others.  I try to be kind and peaceful.  I think most would say I was a nice guy.  When it comes right down to it, you can truly only control you and hope that others see your at peace and emulate to some extent.  I fear at times the draw of power and the need to control make the extremely wealthy willing to do and allow anything to ensure their place in the power struggle and maintain their greedy ways.

It is easy to get caught up in that storm of greed and power.  I was walking into it myself.  Now that I look back on it, I am not sure what I wanted from all the money (help my family? Fill some hole in myself?) and title.  I guess I have never really felt successful.  I am not sure why I find myself thinking that others are better than me, but I have always felt less.  This is funny as I know that I have been successful and that there are those that envy me and what I have done for myself.  With that said, I have a constant battle within myself screaming that I am not good enough and that I have to do better.  Corporate America amplified that feeling and I fell right into the game, work harder, focus only on the company, and give them every waking moment.  What a fool I was, when what really makes me feel successful is being home with my family, hearing them laugh, just being with them, cooking for them, etc...  It was a simple formula.  Work is only a means to provide healthcare and the income to do the above items.

I will continue to try and adjust my attitude and be happy I have the things I have right now.  The most important item is the time to spend with my family.

I love you all!