When does my heart beat again? December 6, 2022

Up in the dark hotel room as Tiffany is sleeping.  Just another chemo treatment (only one this week as FUDR liver pump is only every 4 weeks).  I hate that we have to travel all the way here every two weeks and I know that it is weighing on Tiffany.  I wish I could do more to help, but she doesn't really let me.  I suppose I understand.  If she was sick I would be doing the same for her.  I am not sure how I would balance work and caretaker.  I am so happy that she isn't working.  I know that at times she probably wants to as being home all the time can be draining (we are pretty anti-social all the same), but I know she misses getting out and seeing people at times.  She is pretty busy with the girls and all.  I suppose that is kind of like her job now, but a bit thankless and not a lot of reward.

I am trying to get the thought that this is my last Christmas out of my head.  I don't talk to Tiffany about it, but I know that she thinks it too.  We don't talk about the bad stuff.  It isn't that we are afraid to or that it is too sad, but rather it has no value.  We know I am sick, we know it can turn bad at anytime, and we know I was on borrowed time when we started chemo in March of this year.  We have however, had time to say I love you, time to understand, and time together which is the important thing.  

Now that I understand my mortality, I feel bad for those that lose their love one's in a tragedy such as a car accident.  They don't have the time to show their love or talk to their love ones about how important they are.  They don't have time to type a daily blog about whatever comes to mind that day ;)

Well - I should get some work done and need to wake up Tiffany at some point.

I love you all!