Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 Sorry about the disco headline, but that what was stuck in my head this morning.  You know I think I have been pretty good about all this.  As good as I can be.  Up until yesterday, I have kept my cool around all the medical folks, but I am just trying to get a colonoscopy and it is so hard to get care.  I don't want to wine and bitch about how I feel, but my gut is a fucking wreck.  I know that I get stoned and eat too much at times, but the constant cramp, gas bubbles, and needed to defecate 10 times a day is getting a little bit much. I just want to make sure I don't have a blockage or worse.  I feel disconnected from NYC/Sloan and Guthrie seems like they are barely capable of keeping the lights on.  And here I am stuck in the middle again (that will probably be tomorrow's title now). Things are rough, I am not going to lie.  My insides feel fucked up, Tiffany's father is not well and worse, he is depressed (IMHO) and doesn't have a good support structure at hom

  It is almost 2024.  We are sneaking closer to the 2 year mark and I am getting nervous about my upcoming scans.  I feel numb about it anymore.  I am a little nervous, but if I don't start turning a corner towards no tumors I think I am in the bad zone.  We don't talk about that with the oncologist, but I have done enough research to know that.  I am content with things.  Don't get me wrong, I am not ready to go, but I am not afraid of it. Tiffany's father is not doing well.  I feel so bad for her and him.  I wish he had a partner like Tiffany whereas they loved each other.  I think her father regrets some of his choices in life, he always seemed like he was trying to make up for them.   The way I see it, we all make mistakes and have made them throughout life, but we can't really go back and fix the big ones.  What you have to do is not let them fester inside you and learn from them.  You move forward as you.  Just my $.02. Well, I have some other writing to do, s

  Well, I made another Christmas!  It is a good thing.  Not going to complain on this one, just thankful to have another day/holiday to be with you all. I love you all!

  Well, it is Dec 23, 2023.  I've made it to another Christmas.  Well not actually Christmas day yet, though I am pretty sure I will make a couple more days (I mean I am definitively sure I will make it a couple days) and many more Christmases , but it isn't about a day, it's the season.  God, I loved Christmas as a kid.  It wasn't only the presents, but there was so much wonder about how all the presents came, so much hope that all that Christmas was supposed to be, could be. It was just the overwhelming feeling that there really could be peace on earth and that maybe I could have that much joy in my heart all year long. I know that I have swayed from that youthful exuberance over the years.  And I am many years away from being excited about an unknown gift under the tree.  However, if I have learned anything over the last couple of years is that everyday is an unknown gift.  I still hold so much hope in my heart that we could find a way to truly have joy and contentme

 So I am trying, but I am horribly depressed.  I just don't know what I am supposed to be doing.  I mean don't get me wrong, I know what I am supposed to be doing.  Working, providing for my family, etc...  I don't know what I am supposed to be doing concerning the cancer.  I thought that the break from chemo would be nice and I would feel better, but my insides still feel like shit.  I just feel like I am wasting this holiday time, but I don't know what I would be doing if I wasn't wasting the holiday time.  I just am not sure what I would be doing all the same. Part of my issue is that I feel sick (nauseous) a lot.  I am not sure if that is from depression/doom/gloom or if I really don't feel well.  I know my digestion isn't good and it seems I have to take loperamide to keep from going a million times a day, but then it leads to uncomfortable gas and pain in my gut.  Either way, my gut feels like shit. I try not to bitch so I am bitching here in the hopes

 It's a Saturday morning. It was colder this week with some snow and everything, but has warmed up yesterday and today so it is all melted.  This time of year, I like the snow as long as I don't have to travel in it. I know I have not written in a while and I have to stop being so lazy about it.  I don't think it is so much laziness as I feel rushed all the time.  I often wonder if others feel like this.  You have so much that you WANT to do, and so much that you HAVE to do, that you end up doing almost none of it.  Then it all festers and drives you nuts. Things are going well I guess.  As is the case all the time, I am in the wait an see portion of my treatment again.  The break from irinotecan has been nice as my brain is a lot clearer and I don't feel as chemo-sick.  However, my bowels have been shit (see what I did there).  For the most part I have a constant cramp/gas bubble in my mid-section with pain on both of my sides (most of the time).  I worry that I have t

 If you didn't know already, the bright light is the UV Happy light.  I am a little in a bad place, not for any particular reason (my insides suck for the most part).  I know that Tiffany is depressed or overwhelmed.  There is so much for her to do and I know she not only worries about me, but she worries about the girls as well.  I know it is a morbid thought, but if I can maintain work at Welliver, I know that if there is to be a demise for me that they will all be taken care of to some extent.  There would be some belt tightening, but there would be an ok amount of tax-free inheritance.  I know I shouldn't think like that, but unless I get good news soon, I am getting into the dangerous years.  As of March next year, it will be two years since Chemo started and as of February it will be two years since full diagnosis.  1 to 5 is the magic number, if I get passed 5 I'll be one of the lucky ones. I need to get more active, but my activity always involved drinking... Always

 The bright light is my UV Happy Light.  It is cold this morning and Bear wants to go back to the living room.  You wouldn't believe there like fifteen minutes between the start of this post and now.  Dogs, breakfast, stuff... Things are back to the doldrums.  I am starting to feel a little better.  My bowels still kick my ass, but all in all, I'm here for another Christmas holiday, which makes me happy. Well - off to play games I love you all!

 Another trip to NJ in the books.  Now that I just get the pump fill it isn't really making me sick.  It doesn't really matter as my gut is all kinds of whack from the chemo, surgeries, fucking cancer, etc...  Sometimes I feel so yucky, even now off the systematic chemo, that I wonder if I don't have another tumor in my digestive system.  The way I see it, I am nearly two years in and I am still going strong and I should be thankful for that. Speaking of thankful, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I am so looking forward to kicking off the holiday season.  I miss that feeling I used to get and last year I saw a bit of that and this year I am really excited about listening to the music and watching the movies.  I like that I make myself wait as it makes the movies and the music special. Well, I need to get some fun in before work. I love you all!

 I wasn't going to make an entry today.  I know that I am suffering from depression, but I don't know how to fix it.  It's not just the weather, but everything.  I am so tired of the 3 month and we will see game.  I know I should be ecstatic that I am alive, etc., but not knowing about where I am at with the cancer is scary.   Now that I have typed that, I have to think about the fact that we never really know how much time we have left.  We expect that we have a lot more.  When we are young we think we have forever, but it changes as you age, then you get cancer and you are confronted with your own mortality.  It is funny how you just want to live once you know for certain you won't always be alive. Don't get me wrong, I am still positive and happy that I can take care of my family and I am not really sure what I would be doing differently if I didn't have cancer (worry less I guess). Well, trying not to be depressed today (looking at the cute toys Maeve got me

  The Speckles must sit in my seat not that it is heater under the desk season.  I don't know what she thinks of the UV light, but she likes laying in the sun...   I need to get into the holiday spirit.  I am going to think of something to try and make for Tiffany next weekend (I know it isn't Thanksgiving, but we are having pizza for Thanksgiving :) ).  As we move into the winter months I get so depressed and lack motivation.  It is hard for me to exercise and I think every pain or bad feeling (like and upset stomach) is the beginning of the end.  I try not to feel doomed, but it is hard at times.   I am trying to get myself out of this funk and may Christmas season is just what I need.  We will see. Well, time to get some shit done. I love you all!

  Not to steal the email I sent to Tiffany this morning (I send her a mail everyday), but it is what I was thinking about: This will be our 23rd holiday in our home.  23... The time went by so fast and I don't remember all the Thanksgivings or Christmases.  I do remember how I feel about them and us.  I do miss having the little girls around the house sometimes.  One of the greatest joys in my life has been watching them grow and you as their mother.  It is amazing to have something so wonderful remind you how amazing life is. It is strange how I don't remember a ton of specifics around the holidays, but I remember how I felt and that is the important part.  I find it upsetting that you forget things as you age.  It has gotten a lot worse in the last few years.  It is funny that I remember all this programming structure and network math, but I can't narrow in on a lot of specific memories of the past. Well, I suppose I should get my day going... I love you all!

 Did you ever think about the shear number of songs that you have heard and recognize from throughout your life.  It is pretty impressive the things we can remember.  I don't find it hard to put a new first line from a song every time I post and I am certain I have used a couple twice, but still it is pretty impressive.  It isn't like I sit here and try to think of a song, generally I have one stuck in my head.   I am trying to ignore the constant ball of gas or whatever in my gut all day long, but it is beginning to be difficult.  I try to be happy about the fact that I am here, the tumors have shrunk (giving me more time) and that I am capable of caring for my family.  That last one is the important one.  I guess I learned from my father that working hard is the way you show love.  I really don't know what else I would do with myself at least during the winter.  During the warmer months I would garden. Well, I have some work to do. I love you all

  I have to wonder how many of these pictures I have taken sitting in this desk chair.  After well over a year and a half, I probably have quite a few (I don't post every day and I probably could make a rough guess, but it is more than 200).   I am struggling a bit with depression, etc...  I suspect if I had this chemo break in the summer it would have been better for me as I could get out of the house in the AM and the evenings enjoying some warm weather and sun, but I shouldn't complain.  It is all relative I guess as there are times in the summer when I just don't feel like going outside because it is too warm, etc...  You miss things when they are gone and I suppose that includes the past summer. I'm also a little anxious, I can't determine what I want to do most of the time.  Work sucks (it is work) and I just get into this shitty funk every fall.  I realized today that most of my "fun" in the past included just drinking away the day and I really need

 My UV light casts a weird shadow, but it is necessary as we start to get into these grey cold months.  I was outside for at least an hour yesterday working on the generator and another hour the day before and I don't think the sun shined much at all.  A little more on Saturday than Sunday, but totally depressing. I did get some things done though.  Maeve has a wired connection to the network again (which seems to have made her happy) and the generator has a green light and no longer is displaying an error.  All good things and stuff I needed to finish before the winter.  I worry Maeve's link won't last the winter as I pretty much MacGyver'd that ethernet cable. We are off to NJ today solely to do pump maintenance.  It is a total "no chemo" two weeks.  No steroid, nothing...  I am interested in seeing how I feel as I don't think I have had this kind of break since surgery and I don't exactly feel good after surgery.  I am hoping that maybe I get some t

It is time for the UV light again.  This turn to autumn has been tough on me for some reason.  I guess I often think about how many I have left.  I wonder how many people my age think about how much time they have left.  It used to be rare for me.  I thought a lot about retirement, but not about when I wouldn't be here anymore.  I wonder if my father thought about it.  Especially when he could no longer make the walk from his house to ours without stopping.  I suppose he had to.  I think we all do when faced with our mortality. Things have been ok outside of the turning to the grey and no sunshine weather and my bowels.  I feel sick a lot, but I blame that on the gut.  It scares me as that is how I felt when I first went to the DR prior to all this cancer BS.  I suppose, I need to start being happy again that I get to spend another holiday season with my children and my wife.  Sometimes it takes me typing it out to realize that I still have a good life and I need to be pleased with

 It's Saturday thank God.  I really don't have any plans or schemes for the day.  I got stoned this morning because I felt like it so now I am just kind of in the sit and stare zone.  I don't know why people say that they focus better when stoned.  I guess unless they are referring to focusing on whatever they are staring at while their minds go blank or float through a bunch of thoughts that they thought was a minute and ends up being 5 to 10.  I should have left the referring up above that had 4 r's as an example ;)  though I suppose the last sentence in itself is an example. Anyhow, things are going as well as they can.  I am off systematic chemo until the end of the year and what a difference that makes.  I don't know if I am 100% or what that is anymore, but I am ok.  Unfortunately, I have/had this infection in my tooth that I didn't know I had because of the all the dex.  My insides are still a little messy (antibiotics don't help) and because of that

  I shouldn't stare at the camera!  Well, got back from NJ yesterday around 4:00.  The oncologist gave me a break from systematic chemo until after the holidays.  I suppose that is good news.  He says he can only see one tumor on the CT scan.  This is good news at least for some longevity.  My blood tests are good etc... I suppose I should stop feeling the heavy weight of doom concerning my longevity and get back to my "I can beat this" thought process. If anything, I will make it through these holidays and into the next year.  I used to have these short term milestones and I am thinking maybe I need to start spreading them out a bit.  Why? Because my ass ain't leaving anytime soon.  I keep thinking I should be doing more, but what is that and what does that look like.  You always hear that saying, "live like you were dying".  Well, people that are dying need regular health care, like pump maintenance, etc...  You actually want to live like your living.  You

  I am going to try and make a proper post today.  I have been phoning it it in to be honest.  We are off to NJ again today for chemo.  I hope that my oncologist has put in enough time to give me some plan forward.  It has been 7 months since my surgery and 4 months of chemo so it would be nice to know what is next.  We got a good report from the last scan, tumors still shrinking, one wasn't visible in this scan.  I am happy about that and scared that the cancer may be elsewhere. I have been tired and nauseous as of late.  I think it is a little bit chemo, a little bit my messed up insides, and a bit depression.  I really have to get myself back into gear, exercise, eating better (whatever that means), etc...  I'd been a little lightheaded over the last couple of weeks, but I think it may have been the caffeine as I was having about 4 cups or so a day.  It may also have been the water.  I don't know why it is so hard to drink 64 oz of water a day.  I know if it was beer, I&

 So it has been a while since I wrote and I have got a lot done.  I have some brussel sprouts ready to go: We missed our good color due to heavy winds and the indoor garden is coming along And I made Boo All good things. Oh, and one little thing, liver tumors shrunk and one seemed to go away totally!  This is all good things!!! Well, need some breakfast! I love you all!

 I need to clean this office.  I am running out of space to stash stuff so I must have too much stuff.  This month is going to be exhausting traveling back and forth to NJ.  I know that Tiffany is tired of the driving and so am I.  Really want to know what the next steps are.  I suppose they could be do nothing and remain on treatment.  We are just not sure how this ends (the every two weeks to NJ), I mean we know how it ends, either I get better, we do it forever, or we don't - all of these are on the table I guess.  I like the first two best. Being sick every other week is no fun and I suppose I should just get more active and not think about it.  That is generally the plan, but now that we are moving into winter, it is much harder to work without thinking about it as there is less to do inside. Things are going normal and normal is good.  Maeve is taking a class, Gusty is making these cute crochet things, and Tiffany I guess is taking care of me.  I am doing alright, my work eff

  So this weekend (Friday) was our anniversary.  22 years married, 22 years...  It has gone by so fast and the way my brain has been I can't remember it all, but I know that it was great.  Oh, we had hard times, difficult times, but I don't remember them much at all.  I remember the fun at Disney, the BBQs on the deck, playing in the yard, laughing in the car, playing Wii, it is all "LAMINATED".  We, together are eternal and I it is the thoughts of those great times and future ones that keep me going. Not to get all sappy, but having my birthday and then our anniversary made me nostalgic a bit.  I also know that I have lived an amazing life and all of you helped it to be that way.   Well, I should get to eating something.  Was nice to sleep in today. Your moment of Zen: I love you all!

  Today is our anniversary.  It hasn't been a year filled with fun and activities.  Since last October we have been through some bullshit.  I was wasting away with an ostomy bag, nearly died after surgery, had to be waited on and taken care of daily.  Tiffany went through it all without complaining to me.  I know it stressed her out, I know she didn't want to be doing what she did, but she did it all without question, every day.  It is amazing how loved I am.  I don't know if I will ever be able to repay her, but I will try. Today I will attempt to make a nice dinner and we will watch a movie or sit out with the dogs.  Either way, we will be together and that what matters. I have been feeling a bit better, but that is probably because we have chemo in a few days.  I always start to feel better as we move towards chemo day.  I suppose I need to take the good with the bad and be happy that I am still able to do the things that I do. Well, I am going to get to riding the bike

  I am feeling a little tired this morning (flushed in my face as well).  I am sorry that I haven't been writing here much.  Soon, I will be locked in the house on the weekends (not locked in, just too cold in the mornings).  I suppose that not much has changed so I am once again in the doldrums of my treatment.  We have scans again on the 19th and will have some idea of steps forward then, I hope. As for me, I am the same.  I keep plugging away at trying to work, do things to improve the house and home life, as well as ignore the fact that I have cancer.  It is easier on some days than others.  Tiffany continues to keep us all together.  She is such a strong and caring individual.  I can't think of what we would all do without her.   Starting next week we have 3 weeks of travel to and from NJ for treatment, testing, treatment.  The third trip should give us some direction - I hope. Well, I need to get to exercising and prepping for the day. I love you all!

  It is a good question, "Who wants to live forever?".  I do, or at least considerably longer.  I just want some more time.  I also want time where I am retired and able enough to enjoy it.  I have been losing focus on the "able enough" part as I get worried about the cancer.  I am too logical to my approach and need to start believing more in myself. I have a difficulty with the "you can battle this" as I don't really know what I can do.  I can put up with the chemo, the surgeries, etc...  but I can't slide into my body and fight the cancer.  I suppose in my head I can, which I do try.  It is hard to not think about it. Well, I have to get to bike riding and eating breakfast. I love you all!

 Well my 56th has come and gone.  I was a bit depressed yesterday, I didn't realize it until later.  I am getting scared every time I hit some future date.  I guess I should be happy that I have had this time to be with my wife and kids.  I think they know how much I love them.   I will be honest, I don't want to die.  Don't get me wrong, everybody dies, I know this.  What I don't want is to die so young.  I want to see Gusty and Maeve grow up more, I want to get to do some things with Tiffany that we couldn't do.  It is difficult to make plans when you have treatment every two weeks.  You could squeeze things in, but it doesn't really work well.  Generally, I am sick or just yucky.  It doesn't help that my fucking bowels are a wreck either. I suppose enough woe is me.   My birthday was good.  I worked (sort of) and spent a bit of time trying to clean up this mess in my office, but there just isn't enough room out here to get things cleaned up anymore so

 Yes, I am wearing the same sweatshirt as earlier in the week and I need a haircut.  It is also my birthday.  This was a little milestone for me to make another birthday and here I am!  I am going to start thinking about my milestones again as I have started to get too depressed.  Next up, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I know I will make them, but it is about having something to look forward to and celebrate. My blood work was all in the normal range at the last DR appointment.  I just have to get my sugar consumption under control and I think I can drag this thing on.   I gave to a friends cancer Go-Fund-Me this morning.  I don't necessarily do this for Karma, but I know what these costs are like.  Hopefully, my little bit can help and a little bit of karma. I am listening to the album Bridge Over Troubled Water and it is honestly one of the best albums ever made - and I mean that.  Regardless of my love of Simon and Garfunkel, I don't think there is a song on this album that I

 Well it is NJ trip time again.  I grow so tired of going to NJ and really tired of the chemo.  I suppose I know (and don't know) what would happen if I didn't have chemo every two weeks.  Cancer would ravage my liver and I would be dead in a short time.  I've read about enough of my fellow CRC stage IV folks going, and they go fast once they hit the turning point. Can I be an outlier, to some extent I think I already am.   I just think about all this time (and money) we have spent on cancer and we could have been spending it on family.  If I beat this thing I will continue to live like I have been.  Giving my time to our home, my wife and kids, and a small amount for me.  I have been trying to think of long term items, but it has become difficult.  I'm waiting for my bowels to be predictable (not sure they ever will again) and my body to cooperate with my desires (strength etc...).  I have to start planning my winter activities so that I don't just sit around and d

 So I got up after 6 AM, so this will be quick.  I am feeling a bit better as we move towards treatment week.  Not 100%, but better.  There is so much to do in the AM - plants, animals, coffee. How do people do all the things necessary for a home etc..?  there is literally no time to relax. I love you all!

 It is 43 degrees outside.  That's cold to me.  Today is the first day I am choosing not to walk outside in the AM.  Sunrise isn't until 6:53 AM, so it is not only cold, but dark.  Instead I will get on the exercise bike which is good exercise, but not as good for my soul as the walk outside in the warm summer checking on my plants. All things are messed up today.  The dogs haven't gotten up so the cats are going nuts as I haven't fed them.  It is all kinds of crazy thing morning.  I didn't go to work yesterday as I couldn't stop shitting.  I think I wrote that my gut was getting better and then that happened.  It was insane.  I got out of the shower 3 times and then realized there was no way I was going to work.  Of course the rest of the day was fine and I just needed to get through that issue, but I am fucking tired of it.  There was some blood in my stool which I assume was associated with a hemorrhoid bursting, but you never know.  I should tell my doctor I

  That song was on last night when we sat outside for one game of Yahtzee.  It is starting to get cold at night even for Tiffany.  It is only 47 right now and dark.  Sunrise isn't until nearly 7 AM.  I don't like it.  Once it starts getting really cold during the day I am going to have to pull out the UV light so that I can use it in the AM. It looks like I will make another birthday.  I was getting a little worried about how I was feeling, but it seems I am overeating and that caffeine and my gabapentin both make me feel a little weird so I am going with that is part of my fear.  Other than my gut (gas and such), I don't feel half bad.  When I get to the no-chemo week I am usually pretty good.  Speaking of gut, I will probably have to end this entry early as I need to use the services (coffee plus bad insides = go!).  Back to the point at hand, I will make it to 56.   I am going to go out on a limb here and predict I will make our anniversary, Christmas, and New Year's

  Saturday...  I should work outside today, but I don't feel like it.  I haven't been feeling well lately as my gut just aches.  I suspect I am contributing to it because I am eating so much.  I eat, I tell myself, don't eat again, you're full, but then I get stoned, repeat.  So, I guess I am saying that I am overeating.   Things are what they are with treatment, just doing more chemo and then we will scan again, etc... etc... I am not sure how long I can do this treatment thing.  As long as it takes I guess.  I know the back and forth to NJ is having a toll on Tiffany as well.   I am going to try and do more indoor gardening this year.  I have some "plants" finally doing well as I figured out the light positioning.  I have some basil and onion growing in there as well.  I have been experimenting with propagation and my first attempt on the rose bushes seems to have gone horribly wrong as there is some bug under the dome that ate all the leaves (all of them). 

  A lot of my pictures have this red tint to it as I have the "Man Cave" set to Honolulu.  In the winter I use this red tint with my UV light to create some "sunrise" type artificial environment.  It is almost time for that.  Sunrise today isn't until 6:43 AM and Sunset is at 7:22 PM.  The days are getting shorter and shorter.  I don't like that, but I knew it was coming. Maeve has started giving my birthday gifts.  They are Minecraft inspired and so cool.  One is a lantern and the other is a mineral block that I can change the color on.  It is cute that she thinks about these things.  I have to admit that I am excited to be here on my birthday again (or I expect I will be here 2 weeks from now). My stomach has been a wreck lately, but I am overeating.  I need to start shrinking my portions and spreading out my meals instead of eating them all at once.  The constant need to shit is getting really annoying.  I was up all last night going and it is getting to

 I it is really dark this morning.  Sunrise isn't until 6:42 AM so it is right in the middle of getting ready time.  It is ok, soon I will have to do my gardening at lunch when I get home and after work (I will have an hour or so of light).  It is so depressing.  It is not quite time to get out the sun lamp, but we are getting there. We have been playing Yahtzee most nights and it is fun.  I forget sometimes how nice it is just to sit outside with Tiffany and just be with her. I cleaned up the back room a lot yesterday and it felt really good.  I may work a little more on it in tonight so that I can try to get the other garden item setup.  It would be so nice to the the hydro-garden running as well.   Cleaning up that room made me want to clean Maeve's badly.  We went to her apartment to get some of the expensive stuff out.  It was a bit messy.  I think if we could get her room really clean it might help her, but then she has to help us keep it clean and that is the difficult p

  So red...  That is the Honolulu setting on my Hue app/lights.   I got up way too early today as Maeve was up, so the dogs woke up, so I'm up.  I get worried about the children and their ability to survive when Tiffany and I are gone.  Hell, I get worried about them being able to survive when I am gone (Tiffany and the girls).  I suppose my life insurances, pensions, and other investments will help for a while (hopefully long enough to get Tiffany to Medicare and that the girls have some health insurance by then). I wish I didn't have to worry about them so much, but I do.  Maybe it is one of the reasons I am so stubborn about the cancer and fighting.  I suppose I should write some more today as I have time, but my head is just empty lately.  I have only been at this cancer thing for a year and a 1/2, but I am tired of all the treatment and the travel as well as the feeling sick from chemo.  I suppose I should be happy to be here still and able to provide for the family. So I

 I can't believe it is getting to the end of the summer.  So many things I want to do and so little time.  I just read my blog post from a year ago.  I was upbeat, realized that I had a task ahead of me with recovery (it had only been a week since surgery), and most importantly, I was grateful. Grateful for my amazing wife and wonderful daughter.  It was truly the beginning of Tiffany having to tend for me, which she has done now for quite some time. I don't think it is that big of a task to tend for me when I am not in the middle of recovery, but after the surgeries it has been difficult.  I think the stress of both tending for me and the uncertainty of my condition combines to weigh on everyone. I have been in a bit of a funk lately and I need to get out and garden/work this weekend (if the weather allows it).  The darkness of winter will start to set in more and more which will cause me to creep towards depression.  I will have more time in the morning to write in this blog,

  So here we are... September 7th.  How time flies by.  I have been somewhat lazy about writing, but it is getting to the point where fall is setting in and my outside time (with light) is dropping rapidly.  I need to get out there so I can get ready for work, but I hate that it is dark. Well, I should get busy. I will write more later. I love you all!

 I am wearing the same shirt I wore yesterday.  It is because I took it off before I went to the store and only wore it for about and hour and 1/2.  Anyway, same shirt. I am listening to Kitaro, my meditation music, I don't think anyone would appreciate it as much as I do.  I even have an LP of Astral Voyage, the first CD I bought from Kitaro.  I would listen to that music for relaxation and escape all the time as a young man (17 yrs old and up). Things went well yesterday, I stopped putting off taking some cuttings and testing growing them I put basil in water, thyme, rose, weed, black raspberry, and rosemary all in dirt with root powder to see what I get.  They are in my plastic green houses in my grow tent.  I also replanted a couple of weed plants that had rooted well, now lets see if I can get them to grow as I have been struggling with those due to lighting and watering.  The plan that it is in Pop-Os old grow box is starting to veg well under the 20 hour light (using the lon

 It's 6:10 AM and still pretty dark.  Sunrise isn't until after 6:30 AM.  It was starting to get cold in the evenings, but we have a bit of a hot streak on the way.  It is going to be in the 90s starting tomorrow for a couple of days.  Not totally out of the ordinary for early September, but not the norm.   I have been trying to do a lot of landscaping and gardening as well as cooking.  The two new grills (Traeger and Char-Broil gas) seem to be a good combination and I have been really enjoying cooking for Tiffany and the family again.  I haven't done anything amazing, but it is good therapy for me.  When I get busy with all these things I sometimes turn off the internal dialogue and forget that I have cancer.  It's nice to be busy. I have been feeling a little sick lately.  It seems the chemo is getting to both my brain and my gut.  That is at least how it feels.  I get scared at times that I don't have a lot of time left and what the hell is a lot of time?  Either

  September, how is it September?  It has been cold the last couple of mornings (well, cold to me), below 60.  Well, I still have cancer.  Things have shrunk and the oncologist didn't seem overly concerned.  My stomach is getting worse on a daily basis.  It feels like I am too full most of the time and nauseous.  It is like I ate a big Thanksgiving dinner and I am sick to my stomach.  Outside of that, I have some energy and finished most of the rough part of the front porch (the right side).  I suppose I should be happy that I am still capable of such things. We're going to cook all weekend.  It is hard for me as sometimes in the morning I am not very hungry (well and all evening).  It is hard for me to think about what I am going to make for food when the idea of eating makes me want to vomit. I miss the days when I got up and I was hungry and I had a meal plan for the day that excited me.  Let's hope as the day goes on I will start to feel a bit better.  I suppose it is a

  Don't stop believin' is such a good line for today.  In NJ for scans (and blood tests and chemo), I think I can "feel" my liver lately and that scares me.  It might just be gas in my intestines, but I am not sure.  I am so scared about these scans as I am moving farther away from initial diagnosis and that puts me in the bad zone.  This is why I need these scans to be stable or reduced size tumors.   Even if today's scans are bad I will continue to fight.  We haven't really had bad scans other than at the beginning.  They continued to shrink and disappear in the beginning so I am hoping that will be the case with today.  My bowels have been such a mess that I keep feeling like it is telling, but I suspect that this is all me getting back to normal from a bowel perspective and they told me it could take a while (1 year to 2 years).  It has only been 5 months since surgery so I have to stop being in a hurry.  My concern is that two weeks ago blood tests showed

  So today is the day we head to NJ for labs, scans, and treatment tomorrow.  I am hoping laying off the alcohol for 2 weeks helped the liver recover.  I guess I shouldn't drink during the FUDR portion of my treatment.  I was having some really chalky poo during that period so maybe the pump chemo is getting to be a bit much for the liver - who knows. I just ate a gummy at 6:13 AM to test it's potency.  We will see.  It should go well with the big cup of coffee I am drinking :)  Speaking of the weed, I have one good plant growing outside this year: I have gotten to the point that I expect bad news about my cancer situation.  Secretly, I am hoping for something amazing, but I need to be prepared for the bad news so that it doesn't sting as much. Well - time to get outside and water all the plants. I love you all!