The random rants of a middle aged, middle class, and mid-evolution male.
It ain't the way you move... September 7, 2023
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So here we are... September 7th. How time flies by. I have been somewhat lazy about writing, but it is getting to the point where fall is setting in and my outside time (with light) is dropping rapidly. I need to get out there so I can get ready for work, but I hate that it is dark.
Tiffany is amazing! I know that she doesn't feel well as she has an infection in her kidney due to her stones. She continues to take care of me regardless. In the morning, I am generally able to get around without issue (except for the pain in my side), but by afternoon I am generally really tired. More tired than you should be from just sitting around. Eating zaps every bit of strength out of me for some reason leaving me extremely lightheaded. I try to hide how bad I am feeling after eating as I know it upsets her. I have a lot of hope about upcoming treatment. I expect to start on chemo as everything I read suggests they won't go after the tumors in my liver via surgery. What I fear is that if the chemo doesn't slow the progression of the liver metastatic disease that I will get real sick in the coming year. I had an ultrasound a year ago that didn't show any lesions on the liver and a year later I have several. Hopefu...
Why am I always wearing the green sweatshirt when I decide to write something? Luck I guess. I haven't been feeling the best, but part of thinks it is the sedentary attitude I have settled into which I am going to work on today (exercise bike). I know that I am depressed, but it is hard to get into a happy groove when your brain is just running away with all the bad things that could happen. I have promised myself that I will start writing every morning again since I can't get outside. I need to get my UV lamp out and start sitting in front that in the morning while I write this. I miss my morning summer walks. The all-mighty powerful gods willing I will be doing it again this summer. I don't know if I wrote this, but my oncologist couldn't guarantee that I would be able to travel international when I asked him about it a couple weeks ago. I am trying to not let that settle in, but he is saying he doesn't know what the next 6 months bring...
I am glowing from the monitor light. I wonder how bad that much light has been for my eyes over the years? That made me laugh - like my monitor hurting my eyes is a concern right now. We leave for NYC, again, today. I think I mentioned in yesterday's post that this will be my 3rd ablation. So as the count goes: 2 port placements 3 ablations 2 major abdominal surgeries Colon/Liver resections Lymph node biopsies Hepatic pump placement Ileostomy and reversal The joys of liver drains 2 years and 10 months of chemo (with some breaks) - I've lost count. When I type it out like that it seems like I have been through some shit, but honestly all I feel is love. You all have been not only supportive, but you have been my world. I'm worried about this one. Some of it is that I haven't felt well and the other is that if they don't get it all this time or it comes back, I don't know what the next step is as I am exhausting my treatment options....
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