Why am I always wearing the green sweatshirt when I decide to write something? Luck I guess. I haven't been feeling the best, but part of thinks it is the sedentary attitude I have settled into which I am going to work on today (exercise bike). I know that I am depressed, but it is hard to get into a happy groove when your brain is just running away with all the bad things that could happen. I have promised myself that I will start writing every morning again since I can't get outside. I need to get my UV lamp out and start sitting in front that in the morning while I write this. I miss my morning summer walks. The all-mighty powerful gods willing I will be doing it again this summer. I don't know if I wrote this, but my oncologist couldn't guarantee that I would be able to travel international when I asked him about it a couple weeks ago. I am trying to not let that settle in, but he is saying he doesn't know what the next 6 months bring...
I am glowing from the monitor light. I wonder how bad that much light has been for my eyes over the years? That made me laugh - like my monitor hurting my eyes is a concern right now. We leave for NYC, again, today. I think I mentioned in yesterday's post that this will be my 3rd ablation. So as the count goes: 2 port placements 3 ablations 2 major abdominal surgeries Colon/Liver resections Lymph node biopsies Hepatic pump placement Ileostomy and reversal The joys of liver drains 2 years and 10 months of chemo (with some breaks) - I've lost count. When I type it out like that it seems like I have been through some shit, but honestly all I feel is love. You all have been not only supportive, but you have been my world. I'm worried about this one. Some of it is that I haven't felt well and the other is that if they don't get it all this time or it comes back, I don't know what the next step is as I am exhausting my treatment options....
I really have to get more sweatshirts. In a couple of days we will be heading back into NYC to get my liver ablated, again. This is the 3rd time. 3rd times a charm? I am not sure how I feel. I spent all day Sunday getting things done outside so I still can burst some energy out, but it leaves me exhausted. I don't have the energy I had just a few months. I have started another blog, but public - I am not sure why I am driven to do these things. I have always been an introvert with a need for attention I guess (it's strange, I know). Well, I don't have a lot to say this morning outside of the fact that I am beginning to realize that I spent way too much time in my life thinking about me and it is sad that it has taken me this long to realize that life is about everyone else. I love you all!
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