I really can't stay... December 9, 2023


 It's a Saturday morning. It was colder this week with some snow and everything, but has warmed up yesterday and today so it is all melted.  This time of year, I like the snow as long as I don't have to travel in it.

I know I have not written in a while and I have to stop being so lazy about it.  I don't think it is so much laziness as I feel rushed all the time.  I often wonder if others feel like this.  You have so much that you WANT to do, and so much that you HAVE to do, that you end up doing almost none of it.  Then it all festers and drives you nuts.

Things are going well I guess.  As is the case all the time, I am in the wait an see portion of my treatment again.  The break from irinotecan has been nice as my brain is a lot clearer and I don't feel as chemo-sick.  However, my bowels have been shit (see what I did there).  For the most part I have a constant cramp/gas bubble in my mid-section with pain on both of my sides (most of the time).  I worry that I have tumors in my colon again, but scans don't show anything and the DR doesn't see concerned when I mention the bowel issues.

I worry most days that I only have a couple years left (or less), but I really shouldn't think like that.  It is just that I feel we are in this 2 week ground hog's day.  We don't really do anything (not sure what we would do if we did) and most of the time I am not certain my bowels could leave the house.  There is so much I want to do, travel, etc... but 1, we don't have the money as all this travel and taking care of the kids financially is keeping things pretty tight (painfully tight as I just did my budget).  It is becoming a balancing act of ensuring Tiffany has enough retirement monies if I pass so that she doesn't have to return to work.

I suppose I should get busy living (thanks Andy Dufresne), but I am not sure what that is.  Honestly, my life has been really focused on just keeping the boat afloat.  You know work at least 5 days a week, maybe drink too much on the weekend, repeat.  Since the majority of my fun revolved around drinking and specifically beer, even Tiffany couldn't enjoy most of that honestly.  I was a pretty selfish husband I think.

Well, I am depressing myself.

I love you all!

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