It's a difficult responsibility... November 27, 2023

 If you didn't know already, the bright light is the UV Happy light.  I am a little in a bad place, not for any particular reason (my insides suck for the most part).  I know that Tiffany is depressed or overwhelmed.  There is so much for her to do and I know she not only worries about me, but she worries about the girls as well.  I know it is a morbid thought, but if I can maintain work at Welliver, I know that if there is to be a demise for me that they will all be taken care of to some extent.  There would be some belt tightening, but there would be an ok amount of tax-free inheritance.  I know I shouldn't think like that, but unless I get good news soon, I am getting into the dangerous years.  As of March next year, it will be two years since Chemo started and as of February it will be two years since full diagnosis.  1 to 5 is the magic number, if I get passed 5 I'll be one of the lucky ones.

I need to get more active, but my activity always involved drinking... Always.  I am trying to think of other things to do that don't involve grilling meat or drinking beer and it seems I did a lot of that over the years, because it really is the only activity I can think of that I did regularly.  Of course, work, gaming, but family stuff, I cooked and I drank too much.  So I guess it could be, I cook, I drink, and I know things.

I have been having an issue with gas the last couple of days.  I wonder if I need to decrease the fiber a little.  I just can't find a happy medium between eating, over-eating, and just normal feeling.  Fuck, I don't even know what normal feeling is anymore.  My gut is constantly bloated (or at least feels that way), my sides hurt most of the time.  I am pretty much in a situation where I need to keep busy to not think about my gut (or just keep busy to ignore my gut).  It scares me as this is how I felt pre-surgery while getting my initial chemo.  I was never able to poo, everything gave me gas, etc.  I think I will start eating better to see how that does.

You would think from reading my blogs that I would be sitting around doing nothing all day, but I have my moments.  This weekend, I fixed the drawers in my dresser (in the office) that I really should just replace with something that doesn't want clothes in it (can't handle the weight of my stuffs).  I find that I am constantly finding little things to do.  Dishes, plant care, organizing, trying to shit, cleaning the back room (the best I can), trying to shit, peeing too much, trying to shit, you get the routine.  I need to add some extra exercise now that we are indoors and that is proving to be difficult as I like to be stoned, so I am going to try and lay off the weed until later in the evening so that I am not so lazy.

Well, I should probably get some fun in before work.

I love you all!