Wait, wait, I never got a chance to love you... January 23, 2022

 


It's Monday, I am up way too early, not Nala - just my head...  I always have such big plans for the weekend, but it seems the kitchen takes up all my energy.  It is funny as I guess I am not really that busy, but yesterday I made breakfast (which consisted of half a fluffy omelet (frittata?)  in a couple of taco tortillas which was tasty.  For lunch I had left over spaghetti with turkey and pork sausage.  I then prepped taco meat for the week (turkey), prepped dinner which was leftover mushroom risotto and lobster/shrimp scampi in white sauce, got some chicken marinating for preparation this evening, made some egg rings and prepped today's snack/lunch.  So I guess I was pretty busy in the kitchen.  I also did the dishes and cleaned things up a bit.  So I suppose there is a reason why I was in the kitchen so much.

I did also take down the Christmas decorations.  I know that both Tiffany and I have thoughts in the back of our head that if things turned bad that could have been my last Christmas.  I don't like to let those thoughts in my head.  Honestly the way I feel right now, I would say that I will be here Christmas 2023, but I can't guarantee it.  I feel pretty good most days.  I am getting a little tired of the pain in my midsection.  It seems to be related to urination and pushing to get urine out and maybe I am straining the muscles.  I do get a little pain in the right kidney (I am pretty sure that is where the pain is).  The good news is that the kidneys come back unremarkable in the scans I have had thus far.

I spend a lot of time scared that one pain I feel is a fast growing tumor we weren't aware of and it starts to freak me out.  The main thing I need to focus on is that my CEA score does not indicate spread (it isn't always the best indicator, but I will take it).  The general thought process with low CEA is that the cancer remains under control and is not spreading.  Mine was never very high (11), but normal is less than 5 and preferred less than 3.  I am currently at 1.8 so I am pretty good from a CEA standpoint.

I am hopeful that I will be able to beat this thing.  That 5 years from now I will look back at this as a hard part of my life, but something I learned and gained strength from.  I know that I have learned to love everyone a lot more than I did before (if that was possible).  I know that I feel loved now more than I ever have.  I also, in my weakness, have never felt stronger.  I don't feel broken, I feel challenged, and I have to keep up with the "you can't stop me" attitude I have towards the disease.

Well, I should start getting around so that we can get this bag changed (oh, I didn't mention it was bag day) and I can have a drink and some coffee.  I am soooooo thirsty.

I love you all!

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