Half a mile from the county fair and the rain came pouring down... January 26, 2023

 

I have been on autopilot waiting for this next scan.  I am hopeful that we are making progress on the liver, but I am also terrified.  Some days I feel pretty good like I am seeing improvement and others, I just feel like shit.  I think some of it may be that the ostomy doesn't allow me to absorb much nutrition.  Tack on the dehydration and I get dizzy and feel out of it.  I have to find some focus on the work front as I have been really bad about getting anything done and generally spend 1/2 the day just monitoring the queue and waiting for emails.  It's like I am daring them to fire me.  Not that they would as I would have a bit of a case based on my current condition.

So I am sitting here typing this and listening to Purple Rain on the turn table.  That album is in the "Tiffany will not listen to this" section of the LPs :)  Last couple of days I have gone from swing to blues to early rock to Van Morrison (today's blog title) and now Purple Rain.  No real reason for it, just what I decided to listen to.  Purple Rain came out in 1984 (June) and I am not sure when I saw it, but I must have saw it at the movies and then on the pay channels.  I know that the music was on MTV all the time.  Dan Titus loved Morris Day and the Time.  He would do there little slide dance that they did on stage in the movie/music video (from Jungle Love).  It is funny the little things you remember from your younger years and the then the items you forget.  

I don't think about it very often, but 55 years is a long time.  I don't really remember much from my very young days.  Little things pop into my head from elementary school and it is funny that most of it is when I was embarrassed about something.  I do remember playing with my brothers and sisters as well as some other little things.  I suppose I really don't start remembering a lot of things until junior high.  Maybe it is because those things weren't important or after moving away, I stopped thinking about them or talking about the past with anyone.  It is most likely the latter.  If something didn't have significant impact on me I forgot it as I never revisited it.  What is funny about all that is I am starting to forget some of the things I did in Hawaii as well.  I suppose as you age all that time gets smashed together.

I wouldn't say that I live in the past as I have tried to never dwell on things.  The past is the past and you can't change any of that.  There is no value in "I wish I had" or "if I had done this different".  I suppose I was more of a living in the future person.  Always wondering what is around the corner, trying to improve my station in life, etc...  Lately, I have been trying to live in the now, it is hard.  So many things you want to do and say.  There is also the bi-weekly wake up call (not that I ever forget that I have cancer).  All of this is just a round-a-bout way to say I want more time.  My oncologist recommended that I move my colonoscopies to every 3 years.  We took that as a sign that he thinks I am going to be around in 3 years or he just didn't think it was worth it, but I am choosing to focus on the more time thought process.  

Well, I should start getting around, taking my meds, making breakfast, and my snacks for work.  I get to have all the fun.

I love you all!