A few stolen moments is all that we share... January 13, 2023

 

So it was 4:30 AM when I took that picture.  I can't seem to sleep past 3:50 or so.  This time the dogs didn't even bark, Hell, Nala is not even up.  She got up with me at 1:30 and then with Tiffany about an hour later.  I slept in the recliner for a bit, but was getting uncomfortable so I went back to bed which I guess was not working with Nala's plan for household domination this morning.  Truly it is sleep deprivation tactics to weaken us so that she can bend us to her will.

Tiffany and Maeve will be picking up the keys for her apartment today.  It is strange thinking of my little baby moving out of the house.

This may be the only picture I have of me actually holding Maeve as a baby.  I was a little scared to do it at first, but I was also always the person behind the camera for the most part and the art of the selfie had not quite matured into what it is today.  She is in that little bundle.  It is funny as we spent a lot of time together when she was a little baby.  Also, I spent many a night trying to sing the non-sleeper back to sleep while rocking her in my arms.  It worked sometimes.

Either way, I am torn between the fact that she has to start growing up and the fact that she isn't grown up.  I suppose she will get there.  To be honest, I need her and Gusty to start figuring out what they are going to do to make money and survive once Tiffany and I are gone.  Maybe even just once I am gone.  The thought of Tiffany having to go back to work to support those girls scares the shit out of me (if I was to pass in the next couple of years).  Actually, I get scared for all of them.  I like that I am able to support them (somewhat) financially.  The cancer through a big wrench in all of that.  

I have been able to get better hydrated with the trade-off of higher sugars.  I am so tired of the diabetes thing.  Everything I read says I have to include bread and simple grains in my diet with the ileostomy.  Also, apple sauce, bananas, etc...  These foods all increase my sugars of course, but they "stiffen" things up and I retain more water which keeps the leg cramps to a minimum.  So it has become my new investigative balancing act to try and find the way to keep hydrated without having to drink 200 oz. of hydration a day (the stomach can only handle so much fluid and I am sure that much fluid can have an effect on my electrolyte balance so I have to add sugar free Gatorade, etc... which then comes with it's own issues.  E.g. too much artificial sweetener.  

Either way, internally I am stressing about the end of the month scan.  Part of me doesn't want to know so that I can continue to think that it is all shrinking, the other part of me wants to know so that we can move on whatever the next steps are (stay the course, change course, surgery, etc...).  It really only has been 5 months since surgery and the end of January is exactly 5 months.  I guess I should be happy that right now it seems like the cancer is moving slowly as that gives me time to tell my wife I love her as many times a day as I can.

Well, I need to get my oatmeal going or maybe I will have an egg for breakfast and oatmeal for lunch.  I'll surprise myself when I get to the kitchen ;)

I love you all!