Look at this face, I know the years are showing... January 17, 2023

 


I'm in that picture, but because it is dark and barely visible.  This can only mean that I must be in NJ and Tiffany must still be sleeping :)  I know this is only one day, but I am such a home body that I already miss my animals, the warmth of my outback heaters, and the taste of my morning coffee.  When we built that addition it was meant to be a family room (theater/TV watching).  Now it is man cave and storage, but getting to be more man cave than storage.  Once the piano is moved or removed, it will become all man cave.  

It is funny, there is so much I want to get done and I understand the sense of urgency.  However, I have to quit thinking that I am on death's door.  I just read about a guy that is 7 years into stage IV CRC, but I don't think he started out as stage IV so might be a bit different.  However, I do have some contacts online that are in year 3 and still quite active.  

All of this is why I am so on the edge with the upcoming MRI.  If I am stable or shrinking, it gives me more time (we know the reverse of that statement so it isn't worth stating).

It is funny.  The other morning I was thinking about the end of this thing if it goes bad (not looking forward to that if it becomes the case).  I am not scared to die, don't think I ever have been afraid of that now that I think about it.  Suppose that is what makes me so willing to do so many things.  I am scared as to what it does to my family and I am not done loving them all yet.  I don't do a very good job of the loving part to begin with.  Don't get me wrong, I do nice things for them, I take care of them, but I don't necessarily express it very often.  I've always been a little closed off emotionally and I have a hard time being vulnerable.  Either way, I like taking care of them and I worry about money and insurance, etc...  My job is to provide and when I left teaching that was my plan.  Now that I got to the point where I can provide for them, I get sick :(

Well, enough of that depressing stuff.  Today I get to have poison pumped through my veins - joy! I know I get to have all the fun.

I love you all!


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

She said, she said, "You don't know shit because you've never been there"... March 24, 2024

Image
 It's been a while since I posted (I say that every post now), but I don't seem to have the morning time I used to and I am not certain why (going to work I guess).   I have been plugging along.  Getting back to the shitty routine of work and weekends, with a mix of NJ travel.  It has been since October since I had systematic chemo and I'm on my first of at least two pump breaks.  I just had liver ablations done (6 hour procedure) and they say they got everything they could see, which tells me they have been down this path before (burn out what they can see, but the little ones are still growing).   Either way, this gives me more time, and I hope they got it all.  I have scans on May 1, so I will know somethings then.  It is all just a wait and see game; which I no longer want to play. The family is doing well (I guess).  I feel like I put everyone's life in limbo, because I kind of did.  I am going to try and get my ass in gear this summer and do stuff, but we will see
Read more

I won't dance, don't ask me... August 11, 2023

That song in not on in the background of this video, but listening to the swing albums makes me think of it.  It was so funny the time I re-wrote the lyrics to talk about Maeve not napping.  I won't nap, don't ask me...  I haven't been feeling very well.  I try not to let Tiffany know, but I have been so lightheaded and dizzy combined with some nasty insides, I just feel like things are getting worse.  It could be my body is sick of the chemo.  I hope that is what the issue is and not that I have cancer in my gut or brain. I am going to try and get some work outside done today.  I bailed on work, I just can't keep my head in the game and it isn't fair to them that I just sit here staring at a screen.  If I am not working they shouldn't pay me. Well, I am going to get busy on the day. I love you all!
Read more

March 6, 2022

Image
 Feeling a little lightheaded this morning.  Still I road the stationary bike for 20 minutes so I am keeping up my trend of getting up and stretching (yoga) and then exercising.  I have been having some pain in my chest, but I think that is just the stress of knowing that I am about 1 week away from starting chemo. The chemo they are giving me is for colorectal cancer, but is associated with prolonging life but not curing my cancer.  I am going to fight like hell to be the statistical anomaly that beats this thing.  Thank God for my family as I am not certain I would not fight as hard for myself as I will for them. It is supposed to be 67 degrees today so I am looking forward to getting outside.  It wasn't nice enough to get out yesterday and clean up the dog messes, but I will get to that earlier this morning.  It is already 40+ degrees outside so I am looking forward to having some windows open today. Squirt is currently sleeping on my right arm. He is such a baby.  I don't h
Read more