Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 Well, I'm stable.  I will admit that I am let down by my body and a little scared.  I know that no new growth is good, but we can't go in and cut it out if it won't shrink.  I will wait to hear what the DR says before I get too discouraged, but I suspect we are in a maintenance treatment phase now, not a cure treatment. As you can see from the dark picture, we are in NJ again for treatment (scans yesterday).  I probably won't type much as Tiffany is asleep and this is a very clickety clack keyboard.  I will write more when we are home Thursday or Friday AM. I love you all. 

  Well - today is the day.  Scans.  I am scared, nervous, excited, and hopeful.  I know that thus far I have been beating the curve, but I am a beat the curve kind of guy and I always have been.  Today, I am hopeful that I continue to beat that curve.  I worry sometimes that the dehydration and the lack of nutrients due to the ostomy affect my ability to fight off disease, but we will see. I don't feel like writing today, but I will admit that I have always been lucky to be a little bit of an overachiever.  I suppose some of that just comes from inside me, my upbringing, etc...  I was very competitive as a kid and used to write "The Greatest" or "#1" on the underside of the brim of my ballcaps to remind myself.  I suppose I excelled a bit in school, sports, the Corps, and work.  Now, I am going to excel on fighting cancer. Well, lots to do this morning to get ready for the trip (two nights this time). I love you all!

 Well, today's song is so fitting as I lived somewhat surrounded by girls and though the song is "My Girl", I think My Girls is more fitting for me.  Between Tiffany, Gusty, Maeve, Bear, Nala, Speckles, 1/2 and 1/2, and fluffy, I have a lot of girls to brighten my day.  Squirt-squirt helps too when he is not trying to kill me to get a treat. I am trying to control my anxiousness for my upcoming scans tomorrow evening.  It really is the first true scan after some time on the current treatment regiment.  I would be pleased with stable, but I am really hopeful for shrinking tumors and for the love of all things holy NO NEW GROWTH .  I have promised myself not to over-react if I don't get the results I want, but I can't guarantee that will happen.  Cancer has been an emotional rollercoaster on my outward emotions, you should see what I'm like on the insides.  Sometimes it is unbearable within my head. One of the things that really bothers me lately is...

  Bark, bark, bark I was up twice last night with the dogs so I am incredibly tired this morning.  I also slept in the living room recliner after 2:00 AM to try to keep them from barking again and waking up Tiffany.  So though I got up around 6:00 AM it wasn't a restful night. I really don't have anything in my head outside of upcoming scans.  I am trying not to dwell on them, but how can you not?   Tiffany and I have a lot of running around to do today and plan on treating ourselves with chicken wings.  Now that I think about it, it would have to be our favorite food.  We had them the day we got married, we have had them at pretty much every fun activity like watching Sharknado movies, and pretty much any time Tiffany is craving them.  This is why I say it has to be our favorite food, no other food has made that many appearances in our lives :) I need to get some food in me... I love you all

I look insane in that picture, boy I sure need to start using filters :)  Kind of a rush morning this morning.  It was bag change day.  I know that I say this a lot, but I am not sure what I would do without Tiffany.  I know a lot of people care of these things by themselves, but she makes it so much easier.  I know how much she hates getting up in the AM, but she never complains, she helps and she goes back to sleep.  I have an amazing, beautiful, and selfless wife. I was going to work from home this morning and though I have found a way to keep from having to put my pants can belt under my ostomy (this was causing irritation that let to a bad rash/fungal infection), it squeezes my mid-section and it is painful and uncomfortable.  So I look presentable, but it makes me angry and short tempered when I am uncomfortable all day. Well, I need to get my ass ready for work.  I really just want to stay home and get stoned all day and do nothing.  I...

  I have been on autopilot waiting for this next scan.  I am hopeful that we are making progress on the liver, but I am also terrified.  Some days I feel pretty good like I am seeing improvement and others, I just feel like shit.  I think some of it may be that the ostomy doesn't allow me to absorb much nutrition.  Tack on the dehydration and I get dizzy and feel out of it.  I have to find some focus on the work front as I have been really bad about getting anything done and generally spend 1/2 the day just monitoring the queue and waiting for emails.  It's like I am daring them to fire me.  Not that they would as I would have a bit of a case based on my current condition. So I am sitting here typing this and listening to Purple Rain on the turn table.  That album is in the "Tiffany will not listen to this" section of the LPs :)  Last couple of days I have gone from swing to blues to early rock to Van Morrison (today's blog title) and no...

  I sure do love getting up at 3:30 AM.  I was up and down most of the night all the same.  I ate way too many cookies throughout the night so my sugar was probably through the roof.  I need to get that middle of the night (more like early morning since it usually between 12:00 and 2:00 AM) snacking under control.  It is really the only uncontrollable sweet eating I do.  Sometimes when I am really stoned, but I have been able to keep that under control when I am awake to some extent. I suppose getting up early gives me time to post here, take care of the puppies, burb the weed, make breakfast, do the dishes, you get the point.  I have been wanting to play some games on my new laptop, but I can't seem to get my brain to cooperate.  I also don't like the idea of ignoring Tiffany, but we really just watch TV all the same.  It sometimes scares me that we are just sitting there waiting for me to get sicker or something.  Well something, we ju...

  Thought it would be fun to have a picture of me taking today's picture.  Usually, I use the the computer camera to take the picture, but the phone has better quality (shows all my wrinkles and age).  I am currently listening to Rock and Roll the Early Days LP this morning.  This is one of the first LP's that I bought when I got my first very own turntable.  I was so proud of buying something that I would enjoy (music soothes my soul) when I bought that stereo - in fact, I rented to own that stereo from one of those places.  I believe Theresa's boyfriend worked there.  I would drive down to the rental place and pay that bill every week.  I am pretty sure I paid 5 times what that Pioneer stereo was worth, but I had a CD player!  The first CD I ever bought was Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture (seriously).  Then I am pretty sure it was Beatles albums.  I still love the music and I could sit out in the man cave and listen to music all day e...

  It's Monday, I am up way too early, not Nala - just my head...  I always have such big plans for the weekend, but it seems the kitchen takes up all my energy.  It is funny as I guess I am not really that busy, but yesterday I made breakfast (which consisted of half a fluffy omelet (frittata?)  in a couple of taco tortillas which was tasty.  For lunch I had left over spaghetti with turkey and pork sausage.  I then prepped taco meat for the week (turkey), prepped dinner which was leftover mushroom risotto and lobster/shrimp scampi in white sauce, got some chicken marinating for preparation this evening, made some egg rings and prepped today's snack/lunch.  So I guess I was pretty busy in the kitchen.  I also did the dishes and cleaned things up a bit.  So I suppose there is a reason why I was in the kitchen so much. I did also take down the Christmas decorations.  I know that both Tiffany and I have thoughts in the back of our head that ...

  Just because that is so generic, that first song lyric in my head is from Ku'u Home O Kahaul'u from Olomana.  One of my trigger songs that puts me right back in the islands.   This is that time of year when I really start to miss the sun, brightness and warmth.  Getting through winter after returning from Hawaii has been tough for me, but throw on a little gift of cancer frosting and my depression cake is done.  Seriously though, the state I am in I really do prefer to be warmer.  I also want to get outside and see green as well as garden.  I really found that therapeutic last spring/summer.  Growing things just seemed the right thing to do, maybe as parts of me were dying I wanted to see other things thrive, or maybe I just like being closer to nature.  I've missed that with my technical hobby. Total left turn...  As I was cleaning out the closet the other day, I came across this swing album of Tiffany's (grandparents).  It ...

 And yes I am wearing the same sweatshirt as yesterday! When I typed 2023, I just realized it is 2023!  Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that it was 1976 or 1985, etc.  I wonder at times where did the time go, but when I stop and think I can move myself through the years, picking out the good times.  Falling in love with the most amazing woman, twice, time with friends throughout the years, hiking all over the Ko'olau range, diving in the south pacific, traveling the world, playing catch with my children, pitching to them in the backyard, Trips with the kids and Tiffany, going to Disney, going to their concerts, going to concerts, and so so much more.  When I really look back on it, I have had an amazing life with opportunities that only some get.  There, of course, is some bad sprinkled in there, but lately, I don't let that get to me like I used to. If any of you ever read this, I want you all to know how much I love you and with all those me...

 I'm stoned.  It's 2:30 AM, the dog barked (Nala), but I am pretty sure it was because I was up reading the news as I wasn't sleeping.  So I put the girls out, got high, figured I would get this blog done, and then nap. I moved Maeve's chair and some other things to her apartment.  I think it settled in even more that time that she has moved out.  I am proud and sad all at the same time.  She is such a wonderful soul and I never wanted the world to take that from her.   This leaves Tiffany and I at home.  It will take a few days for us to get Maeve truly settled and then we have so much we want to do in the house to get where we want it.  Not sure how I feel about the empty nest thing.  Maeve was pretty quiet for the most part (lived in her room) so it wasn't a lot for me when she was her.  However, she needs to learn how to do this living without mom and dad as someday we won't be here.  Good time to practice her independ...

  Well, today marks 1 year since my first bad test.  The infamous ultrasound with signs of metastatic disease.  I was scared from the moment I had read that report.  From that day on it was the waiting game.  Wait for next test, wait for someone to say the word cancer, wait to get treatment... I think you get the drift. Looking back at this past year, I can say that we've been through a lot.  I built a new raised garden, grew a crap ton of weed (and cherry tomatoes), created a pantry in the back room, rearranged the kitchen some, had surgery, many trips to NJ for treatment, made lots of good food, moved Maeve out of the house (sad and happy all at the same time) - so it was a busy year.  I (we) definitely didn't sit on our hands and lament my situation.  The year has had its ups and downs, but mostly ups.   I do feel well, I don't have the energy I had back when I first got diagnosed prior to surgery.  The surgery took a lot out of ...

  Another chemo treatment in the books.  I am not keeping exact tract, but we are into the 20s, like 22.  I am nervous as hell until the end of January to see how the liver tumors are doing with the monthly pump fill.  I am very hopeful and glad that I feel ok most days.   Most of my battle is sugars now so I need to keep driving my diet towards the elimination of excessive carbs, but the every other week heavy steroids do a number on my blood sugar.  It didn't get into the 300s yesterday, but still stayed elevated most of the day.   My problem is that many times I do not feel like I have eaten unless I have had a small amount of starch (pasta, rice, bread, etc...).  I know it is a learned desire, but the cells also need glucose to create energy, but I am sure they can derive some energy from meat and veggies.   Diverting back to treatment, I don't like having to travel to NJ for all our treatments, but they are really knowledg...

  I'm in that picture, but because it is dark and barely visible.  This can only mean that I must be in NJ and Tiffany must still be sleeping :)  I know this is only one day, but I am such a home body that I already miss my animals, the warmth of my outback heaters, and the taste of my morning coffee.  When we built that addition it was meant to be a family room (theater/TV watching).  Now it is man cave and storage, but getting to be more man cave than storage.  Once the piano is moved or removed, it will become all man cave.   It is funny, there is so much I want to get done and I understand the sense of urgency.  However, I have to quit thinking that I am on death's door.  I just read about a guy that is 7 years into stage IV CRC, but I don't think he started out as stage IV so might be a bit different.  However, I do have some contacts online that are in year 3 and still quite active.   All of this is why I am so on th...

  It is the entering the doldrums of winter...  I hate it.  I want to get the garden going in the backroom (a little better than it is), but I just have so many other things (cleaning, moving Maeve, work, etc...).  I suppose I just need to get up some morning early and get to work on it, but the dogs would not like be being in the room all morning during their puppy time.  The garden gives me some little feeling of being closer to nature even during the cold "everything dies outside" months. As to my health, we are off to NJ again today.  It is the last treatment I have before scans.  I am so on edge about the upcoming scans that I am hoping I can make it there without going ballistic on someone or falling apart emotionally (I am more the anger guy than the emotional falling apart guy).  So when I was really grumpy and short with everyone on the weeks between 1/16/23 and 1/24/23 it has everything to do with the fact that inside I am a screaming li...

 There Is a Light That Never Goes Out is stuck in my head.  Not sure why, but I do love The Smiths. It is bag change day, but I am giving Tiffany a little sleep in time though she'll go back to bed all the same. We got a lot of Maeve's moving done yesterday.  It is kind of sad and happy all at that same time.  I worry about her, but I hope that she is more mature than we think.  She doesn't have a lot of the life skills, like cooking, etc... as we have always done that for her.  I should have taught her more about cooking, but though she seemed interested she has always just run to her room, etc... when I cooked.  And the availability of easy food (microwave, take-out, etc...) has removed the necessity for it.  My bad on that one.  I guess these things come with independence.  Lord knows I didn't just magically move out and understand how to make things - hell, I am still learning :) The cramps I was having are dissipating and it may be ...

  So today we are moving Maeve (nothing to do with the song, Take me Home Tonight was stuck in my head this morning).  We are moving stuff, but she isn't really moving in until Wednesday next week as I have treatment next week and Tiffany and I need her to watch the dogs so that we can go to NJ.  Inconvenience for Maeve, but since we are paying for everything...  I suppose we could say something similar about Gusty, but she has Wyatt and dogs, etc...  with little help. Tiffany is pretty stressed out, I don't think the empty nester item has hit her as she has been so busy taking care of getting Maeve moved that she hasn't had time to think about it.  I will miss having Maeve around the house.  She does spend a lot of time in her room, but she is generally cheery and enjoyable to have around.  Also, I love her and regardless of whether she moved next door or across the country, she is my baby girl and her growing up is hard because sometimes I see h...

  So it was 4:30 AM when I took that picture.  I can't seem to sleep past 3:50 or so.  This time the dogs didn't even bark, Hell, Nala is not even up.  She got up with me at 1:30 and then with Tiffany about an hour later.  I slept in the recliner for a bit, but was getting uncomfortable so I went back to bed which I guess was not working with Nala's plan for household domination this morning.  Truly it is sleep deprivation tactics to weaken us so that she can bend us to her will. Tiffany and Maeve will be picking up the keys for her apartment today.  It is strange thinking of my little baby moving out of the house. This may be the only picture I have of me actually holding Maeve as a baby.  I was a little scared to do it at first, but I was also always the person behind the camera for the most part and the art of the selfie had not quite matured into what it is today.  She is in that little bundle.  It is funny as we spent a lot of time ...

 You wouldn't know that was Tell Me by the Stones if I didn't include the second line.  There are so many songs with "I want you back again" in the lyrics.   Anyhow, took a me day yesterday and made sure I hydrated.  This helped a lot with the leg cramps.  Last night, I only had a couple in the same time frame so I was able to sleep for about a 5 hour block.  That isn't bad for me lately.  Altogether, I got about 7 hours of sleep last night, which is good for me. I haven't been real motivated to do anything other than cook and organize over the next few days.  I am not certain why that is.  There are so many games that I would have dug into and they are all included in my monthly subscription.  At night, I just tootle around on the computer clicking random things, reading random news, surfing the twitterverse, and just distracting my self in tiny chunks of worthless tidbits of information. So, need to make some second breakfast to b...

  I know I talked about it a bit in other posts, but my leg cramps are starting to really become an issue.  The last couple of nights I have only slept a couple of hours as my legs keep cramping about every hour and the only way to get them to go away is to get up and walk.  They got so bad last night that at one point I had multiple cramps in each leg and could barely walk when I got out of bed. I know I don't bitch much about all this crap, but I do get angry, discouraged, scared, etc...  I really do try not to focus on the bad stuff, but it is hard when it keeps you up all night.  I suppose I can't be all cake and ice cream all the time :)  Lately, I have been on edge with the scans coming up at the end of the month.  I am really nervous about those results.  I know I have no control over whether the chemo is working, etc... but I still feel like I should be doing something to help get better.  At times, I feel a little lost on all of this...

 I know - I am wearing the same sweatshirt, but I do not take a bunch of photos and then post them daily.  These really are taken in the morning every morning (or whenever I make these posts).   I am sitting out in my office since 3:40 listening to a Rhythm and Blues album ( Discogs data on the album ).  Old rhythm and blues music always remind me of when I was a kid.  I just loved the oldies music when I was young.  I make the joke the I was born a poor black child, but I really did know more soul music by my teen years than anyone else I knew. Things have been going pretty well.  I still get a little dizzy at times and I think my BP may be getting too low.  I am going to start taking my BP in the AM and if it is low, I will save the 1/2 pill for later in the day.  Like currently at 4:30 AM I am at 117/78.  This is normal BP so why take a pill to lower it.  Now, the argument could be made that it is that low due to the build u...

  Monday morning...  No meaning to today's song, She's Not There from the Zombies because I have the Time of the Zombies is on the turntable from yesterday still so the minute I saw it, songs popped into my head.  This was most prominent. I am not looking forward to work, but I guess I need to make sure that I start kicking up my work game as I do get paid a lot for a small company and they will expect to see bigger things from me.  So, I will need to start stepping it up.  However, I would like to start cooking more.  This weekend alone, I made chicken breast, pizza bread, pizzas, cornbread, and bacon - that I can remember.  I also got the battery changed in the STI, and worked on getting the truck ready for some work.  There is a lot to do this week. Speaking of this week, Maeve is moving out to an apartment in Painted Post.  It is strange, because I am happy for her while also being sad and scared for her.  She is my baby and am I ove...

 Well, I know I said I was going to write more today, but it is 4:40 AM and I have been up for a while and plan to go back to sleep.  I got stoned, ate, sent Tiffany her daily, and now I am going this.  I got a lot of work done yesterday.  Changed the battery in the STI, worked on the Dodge and I am pretty sure the alternator is going so I think that may be the issue with the other electrical items.   I may have to have that towed to the repair shop instead of driving it there.  Or, will have to get a second battery to swap on the road as I drive there. I have been pretty bad about my sugars the last few days.  I suppose I wouldn't care so much if I was eating well, but I have been eating a lot of crap like white bread, cookies, ice cream, etc...  I suppose everyone does that during the holidays, I just extended it as I love sugar.  "Is there sugar in syrup?" Outside of that, I have felt ok.  I don't feel like I could conquer the wo...

 I'm in the man cave with Boston on the turntable.  All is good.  I might be a little stoned at 5:30 AM as well.  I had to try one of the strains I hadn't tried.  It's good... Changed the bag today.  I hate getting Tiffany up that early.  I suppose I could just do it myself, but I have to admit that I think the way we do it helps keep us from having other issues with leakage, etc... I played in the kitchen a bit yesterday it was nice again to be doing something for the family.  I don't know why I feel like I am not doing enough.  I suppose it is because Tiffany does so much for me and I don't generally ask for that kind of help.  So, I suppose I feel somewhat like I have to step up.   Tomorrow, I am going to try and write a little more, but today I just don't feel like typing anything.  I know this has been a bit of a trend as of late.  I suppose it is due to the doldrums of treatment while waiting for the next scan....

  I don't think you can tell from the picture, but there are some mornings I cry.  I really can't help it.  This morning, I feel pretty good and I don't know what came over me.  I just started thinking about some of the people I have read about in my cancer group passing and I wish I understood what time I have left.  I told Tiffany in her daily that I would gladly take this cancer if the choice was spending my life with her and getting cancer or not spending it with her and no cancer.   I suppose what I am saying is that I find my life with Tiffany and our girls to be the most important thing in my entire world and I wouldn't give it up for anything, health, money, fame, etc...  This little world we created is ours and I love it more than life itself.  I just wonder if they realize how much I truly love them and that I would give everything for them.  That seems somewhat sad, but it isn't meant to be.  It is meant to relate how imp...

I went for a walk yesterday.  About a mile on our road.  It was really nice to be outside breathing in the fresh air.  I need to be more active, but getting up a 6:00 AM doesn't help.  It is amazing what you can do with that extra hour (you know, like type in this blog).  Since it is 6:30 AM, I will end up cutting this short. As is usual with treatment week, but blood sugar is high all day no matter what (down to 135 this morning finally).  I feel foggy and dizzy most of the time the first couple of days, but feeling like I might be a bit better this morning.  I am trying to think of the last time I really felt "well" and it is hard to remember.  It was still when I had cancer, I think I felt pretty good when Tiffany and Maeve went to Tennessee.  I got a lot of work done around the house and didn't feel poorly like I do now.  I think most of my issue is dehydration and I need to increase my fluid intake.  It is difficult to concentr...

 Had chemo yesterday.  We won't know more about what is going on in the body until the end of January, which is a long time for now.  I have been listening to Rachel Maddow's Ultra podcast and it is really good.  It is based on these items  (Eerily similar to Jan 6th 2020). We need to start paying attention to this stuff.  The christian facisit movement today is using this same playbook of mass violence to attempt to  over through the government. Also the Jew hating is prevalent in Maddow's Ultra's story.  There are alignments with Germany and other racially motivated internal threats.  Of course law enforcement was disinterested in all the data coming to them. Well, I need to make some breakfast as I got up really late. (6:00 AM) I love you all!

 It is dark in the hotel room.  It is 5:30 on treatment day.  Treatment starts at 7:00 and we should be done by 10:30 or so today provided we get done quickly.  Then we get to do the 3 1/2-hour drive home again.  It is really annoying and I was thinking as I was typing Tiffany's email this morning that it is a bit like Sisyphus.  Just start feeling better and then right back to the bottom of the hill. I suppose it is the price I have to pay for this disease.  The ileostomy is a constant reminder as well.  I guess there are some times I forget about it.  While I am sitting with Tiffany at night, playing on my computer, and cuddling Speckles I usually fill up and don't even realize it.  I guess at those times I don't think about it.   The pizza I made the other night has me wanting pizza and even more so practicing the dough process.  I liked using the food processor, it made things much easier.  I don't think I gave th...

So today is a holiday (for New Year's being on a Sunday) and we have to travel to NJ.  I would say that I get a four day weekend, but chemo isn't so much like a vacation day. (This post interrupted by half and half throwing up on my floor next to me - thought you all should know that). I sometimes wonder if anyone will ever read all of these.  I should go back and read some to see where I have been mentally during the first year of this shit.  I know that at first I was really worried.  I didn't feel well those first few months.  I was just starting the diabetes meds and they fucked with my stomach, I got bloated whenever I ate, my bowels were a mess, and my side hurt like hell.  Things actually improved (in some of those systems) during treatment and I got used to some of the shit associated with that first part of treatment.  Did a lot of outside work during that time and had some energy.  The last few months I have felt week and I know I need t...

  Happy New Year!  If you know me, you know that I am not generally a new year's celebrator, but I will take the calendar rolling over as progress.  We are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of the first test that suggested I have cancer.  I will talk about that day when I got those results in the post on that day.  Today, I will talk about how I feel as I move into the new year. I am happy to be hear, I feel good all things considered.  As I look back at 2022, I have had a ton of chemotherapy, major surgery leaving me with an ostomy bag, and my body is not what it used to be.  With that said, I am still here and I am still able to be a member of the family, work, and contribute.  I have always gauged myself as a man or better yet, a human, that shows his love by giving.  If that is cooking for the family, working to support them, or just being there with them.  It is how I have always done it and I am a somewhat "know them by their wor...