March 1, 2022

 It is March already.  I first saw the suspected cancer diagnosis in mid-January and I finally meet with two oncologists today.  I know the answer to the survivability question so I am going to stop asking it.  I have a year to 5 depending on how my body reacts to the chemo.  I would like to say that I can survive this and I am going to fight like hell to do so, but only 4% of people make it through Stage IV colon cancer.  

I'm scared.  Not so much about the dying, I have come to terms with that.  If it is my time, it is my time.  I am scared about what it does to my family.  We function together, we lean on each other, we are a unit.  I try not to think about me not being with them.  I know the thought hurts them and the idea of not being with them on their journey tears me apart on the inside.  That is why I am going to fight.  Not for my life, but to see and help them live theirs.

I had an ok day yesterday.  I try to stay positive, but the pain in my side gets pretty bad and it reminds me that I have cancer.  The lightheadedness doesn't help either.  I try to stay in the moment and I also try to remember the fact that I have had a great life and still do.  So many people go through what I am with no support, or have had less than stellar lives.  This issue is basically a spoiled cherry on top of what would be a wonderful ice cream sundae.

I haven't been lost in the past lately, but thinking about how we squeeze in fun during this bullshit we are going through.  First, we have to get Tiffany healthy, but then we are going to start enjoying things (as soon as it isn't 25 degrees outside).  I was thinking about trying to squeeze in a beach run or going to Niagara falls.  Maeve has never seen the falls so I thought it might be nice to drive up there.  Little trips like that will suffice.  I just need to get out of the house.

Well, it has been 15 minutes and Bear is harassing me to go out again.

I love you all so very much!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

She said, she said, "You don't know shit because you've never been there"... March 24, 2024

Image
 It's been a while since I posted (I say that every post now), but I don't seem to have the morning time I used to and I am not certain why (going to work I guess).   I have been plugging along.  Getting back to the shitty routine of work and weekends, with a mix of NJ travel.  It has been since October since I had systematic chemo and I'm on my first of at least two pump breaks.  I just had liver ablations done (6 hour procedure) and they say they got everything they could see, which tells me they have been down this path before (burn out what they can see, but the little ones are still growing).   Either way, this gives me more time, and I hope they got it all.  I have scans on May 1, so I will know somethings then.  It is all just a wait and see game; which I no longer want to play. The family is doing well (I guess).  I feel like I put everyone's life in limbo, because I kind of did.  I am going to try and get my ass in gear this summer and do stuff, but we will see
Read more

I won't dance, don't ask me... August 11, 2023

That song in not on in the background of this video, but listening to the swing albums makes me think of it.  It was so funny the time I re-wrote the lyrics to talk about Maeve not napping.  I won't nap, don't ask me...  I haven't been feeling very well.  I try not to let Tiffany know, but I have been so lightheaded and dizzy combined with some nasty insides, I just feel like things are getting worse.  It could be my body is sick of the chemo.  I hope that is what the issue is and not that I have cancer in my gut or brain. I am going to try and get some work outside done today.  I bailed on work, I just can't keep my head in the game and it isn't fair to them that I just sit here staring at a screen.  If I am not working they shouldn't pay me. Well, I am going to get busy on the day. I love you all!
Read more

March 6, 2022

Image
 Feeling a little lightheaded this morning.  Still I road the stationary bike for 20 minutes so I am keeping up my trend of getting up and stretching (yoga) and then exercising.  I have been having some pain in my chest, but I think that is just the stress of knowing that I am about 1 week away from starting chemo. The chemo they are giving me is for colorectal cancer, but is associated with prolonging life but not curing my cancer.  I am going to fight like hell to be the statistical anomaly that beats this thing.  Thank God for my family as I am not certain I would not fight as hard for myself as I will for them. It is supposed to be 67 degrees today so I am looking forward to getting outside.  It wasn't nice enough to get out yesterday and clean up the dog messes, but I will get to that earlier this morning.  It is already 40+ degrees outside so I am looking forward to having some windows open today. Squirt is currently sleeping on my right arm. He is such a baby.  I don't h
Read more