Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  Halloween...  Tiffany and I have been trying to watch "Halloweenish" shows, but we just keep finding most of the suck and as we all know our favorites from the 80s did not age well (ominous tone plays here ;) ).  Make sure you are watching kids - Silver Shamrock! I made a huge mess in the bathroom last evening.  My bag slipped out of my hand while I was emptying it and I got sewage all over the toilet and floor.  It was so embarrassing.  I wouldn't let Tiffany help and that upset her, but I just couldn't.  It was so disgusting and I am already so damn self-conscious about the ostomy and my body image as it is.  Now I can't even get my shit in the can.  I think I shampooed that carpet for an hour. I have been playing a lot of Minecraft the last couple of days.  Hopefully, some day Maeve takes a tour of all the things I have built (they are all connected via rail - at least most of the builds).  I started that server for her and then I played it more than anyone. 

 I should say that I am stoned out of my gourd. I have to test the bud when I think it is at the point it could be smoked.  So I am just taking one for the team :) Unfortunately, one of the storms blew down my labels for which bushes were which strain.  For the most, I know plant one on the left was GSK (Girl Scout Kookie), the next two were most likely BBR/2 (Blueberrry), and the fourth one was most likely BBK (Bruce Banner).  With the fifth plant being a hybrid seed Matt gave me.  I think I got a cutting from that one so I may be able to propagate it. Next season I am only doing 3 plants in the side raised bed.  The three BBR, BBR2, BBK would have had a lot more room and pruning would have been easier. See how the gardening takes my mind off things. Well - off to eat and medicate.  I love you all!

  I am not wearing the same shirt from yesterday - just the sweatshirt.  I am really stoned right now as I was testing some of the curing bud.  So I am listening to some Moody Blues in front of the UV Happy Lamp and I am chill... Things are still going ok.  I had a lot of energy yesterday morning and I worked all day for the most part except a quick trip to Wegman's as I wanted steak and it was delicious.  I bought a big steak (Ribeye) and ate about 1/4.  I can't eat that much in one sitting any more.   Later in the day I developed this pain in my left side.  Sometimes in the chest, but then below my left pec in my abdomen.  I think it is just gas as the bag was filled with gas this morning.  It is funny now that I have cancer and after this surgery, I am conscious of every pain and tweak.  There was a time I would write of the pain in my side as muscle strain, etc...    I feel a little bad for Tiffany as I never want to do anything.  Today we are going to clean out the garden

 There is a Beatles song for every occasion...  Nala won't sleep passed 3:30 AM as there is some animal that keeps waking her up.  So I am here writing this blog at 4AM because once I am up, I am up.  I would like to blame this - "I'm Up" attitude my body has on the Marine Corps and discipline, but honestly I have never been much of a sleeper. So I go up, put the dogs out, got stoned and now I am drinking a cup of coffee, listening to the Beatles, and writing this blog to you.  And for the record, Why My Guitar Gently Weeps is one of my most favorite Beatles' song.   I felt pretty good yesterday.  I didn't have amazing energy (dogs, up to early), but I didn't feel super sick and my blood sugar was pretty stable other than when I had the mini-ice cream cone.  Now with the scans scheduled, I will be nervous about the results until we get them.  This is honestly the worst part of cancer.  All of the anxiety and depression that revolve around wait and see.  To

  So I got both chemos the last visit and my blood work was really good.  I continue to feel stronger on a daily basis post surgery (now 8 weeks) and I am coming to terms with the ostomy bag - I still don't like it, but I will tolerate it.   My blood sugar seems to be under control provided I spread the carbs out right.  The steroid dose with the systematic chemo (Irinotecan) is higher than the pump drip so it throws my sugars out of whack.  They started to come down last night and I slept from about 7:30 PM until 3:30 AM (dogs) so I got a bit of rest last night.   The next NJ trip we have to stay an extra day as I am getting a CT and an MRI.  Hoping and praying that it shows some retreat of the cancer growth in my liver.  They are also looking all the way up to my thorax so I like that they are being thorough. Tiffany continues to be my rock and I feel bad that I have to lean on her.  I suppose I should find something else to talk about except cancer and politics, but both have me

 At least the song lyric wasn't' Alligator lizards in the air. Did both chemos yesterday - had the similar reaction to the new med and had to get the full does of Atropine.  Yes, Atropine...  However, chemo is now pumping through my system and I am hopeful that it is killing cancer cells and increasing my time here.  I won't know until we are done with this round of chemo to determine efficacy.  I hate the waiting, but the almost perfect blood test (at least everything in normal including my blood sugar) was a nice sight.   So it is in the mid-fifties this morning I won't complain as we don't have many days like this left.  I'm still cold, but not so bad.   Tiffany is getting really stressed out the constant travel every two weeks weighs on her as well as her father, my cancer, adult children woes, etc...  I wish I could do more to help out. Well, got up a little late this morning and want to get dishes done before I sit down for work today. I love you all! 

 In the hotel across from treatment center.  No computer this morning and hate typing on a phone.  Let's hope blood work comes back good and I can get treatment. Love you all!

 Washed out a little by the UV Happy Light, but I so need that light.  This Soylent Green shirt that Tiffany got me from Think Geek many years ago is a XXL shirt.  It fit way back then, was a little loose in recent years and is now more of a night gown on me.  I didn't weigh myself today as I just don't want to see it, but I have been maintaining around 187.  Now that I have to watch my sugar/carb intake, it is a amazing how much sugar/carbs I ate a day.  Every quick snack, etc,,,  all has added sugar or too many carbs (yogurts, chips, crackers, etc...). I am feeling pretty good lately.  Short of the constant evening cramp in my calve on my right leg I am sleeping a little better and I am feeling like I have more energy.  All good things. I am able to sit up for longer stretches of time as my abs are feeling stronger and they are incision line isn't as sensitive as it once was or has been.  I was having to sit for long periods trimming bud, so maybe that helped?  I know it

  So today was bag change day - we hate bag change day, but it is a necessary evil.  I have been feeling pretty good the last couple of days (I suppose chemo on Tuesday will put a damper on that for a short bit).  I am very scared that my liver function will not return to where he needs it to be for treatment.  I hate to say it, but I need that poison pumped into my liver to keep me alive?  So strange what we have to do to our bodies to try and kill cancer. I am still hopeful that they will be able to do surgery on my liver at some point (not that I am looking forward to another long recovery, but if they can get it out it increases my longevity possibilities).  Either way, I am not jaundice or suffering any liver damage affects so I suppose there is still some time if we can keep the liver from rapidly expanding within my liver.   I spent the better part of yesterday stoned.  It was nice to just be a bit mellow all day.  It helps me focus on things other than cancer (which is hard as

 Always has been a struggle for me to smile with teeth even before the Bell's Palsy.  Not sure why, never got the smiling on demand thing down.  Pissed on demand - that I can do. Yesterday was a good day.  I sat up almost all day.  Phoned in work, seriously it was bad.  Watched LOTR - cartoon, Ralph Bakshi version on my VCR in the man cave (TV is behind me).  Got stoned midday.  A note: the 9/29/22 trimmed BBK/BBR bud is pretty smooth - flavor is good, high is banging (stoned right now :) ) and it still isn't fully cured.  Not sure what major stoners would think, but two hits put me in mellow focus land so I am good.  Trimmed up more bud (yes, there was more).  I am calling this bud, Frost Bud, as it definitively went through a frost.  I am hoping to give that a try in a couple of weeks to see how it effected flavor and THC content (this is what I do now).  I mean honestly, if the chemo plan even works on my liver what do I truly have 2, 3 more years?  I am going to get stoned

  It is happy light until June now!  I wonder if one of you will try to figure out the pattern or meaning of the song lyric titles to these posts.  DON'T - they mean nothing.  The songs are stuck in my head so I write them up there.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Hell, maybe you will type the lyrics into Google and find a song you didn't know that you like.  Beware - there is a lot of Simon and Garfunkel :) Fell pretty good this morning.  As the liver pump steroid winds down, my sore hands and difficulty urinating comes back, but I feel like I have more energy and focus.  It is nice to every once in a while feel like a human.  The ostomy bag does not allow me to forget I was all torn up in the mid-section, but I am coming to terms with that literal shit bag as well.  Sugars seem manageable and if I cut carbs even more, I probably could get them real low. Tiffany is amazing.  She had to do a ton of stuff for Maeve yesterday (I try to take care of myself during the day and I am ge

  That bright glow is the UV "Happy Light".  It is that time of the year again when I don't see the sun for months in the morning and it is so depressing to me.  I really do love walking around the house in the morning before the rest of the house is up.  That warm morning sun cresting the hill and making the colors of my flowers and garden come out.  Well - here's to a fast mild winter. My sugars are getting much better so I think that after I left the hospital, the extended release meds weren't working and I only started the non-extended release a month or so ago.  It takes a while for that med to build up and do its job.  Even after a pretty carb heavy afternoon yesterday my blood sugar was only 125.  This is a first as it was spiking up to nearly 200 for a bit on heavy carbs days.  It has been a balancing trick to try and maintain weight while also cutting down carbs.  I am learning where to put the carbs in my day to coincide with medicine to try and assist i

  It is really cold out in the man cave this morning.  I may have to turn the fireplace up a bit to warm it up out here as I have to work today.  That is right, I am back to work as of today.  It is kind a bittersweet thing.  I feel well enough to start working again, but I will miss having my day to chill with Tiffany and do whatever, whenever I wanted.  I wish I had that taste of retirement without the surgery recovery, but I certainly know that if I was healthy I would not be bored or lacking things to do in retirement and I definitely could spend all that time with Tiffany.  I'll miss being stoned all day, but probably good that I try to keep a clear mind :) Today makes exactly 7 weeks out of work.  It has been a longer recovery than I expected and I still have some pain along the incision, in my waist, at the drain port hole that is healing, and urination isn't always the easiest.  All in all, my sugars seem a little more in control as long as I don't go carb crazy and

  I suppose I could add more throughout the day shots or some other picture.  I did think that by posting a similar pose you might be able to see changes in me over time (like the 35 pounds I lost since starting this blog).  It was not planned that I would have Christmas colors this morning.  You will notice that the bum changed his t-shirt, but not quite the time for the sweatshirt. It is cold this morning and there was a frost again.  It is just a matter of time until every morning is below freezing :( - This makes me sad.  I don't like the crazy hot (upper 80's humidity), but don't like the extreme cold either.  I guess I am a bit of moderation man.  I still have to get that UV Happy Light out - seriously it is on the storage dresser next to my desk I sit at every morning.  You think it would not be so hard for me to accomplish this massive feat of moving it and plugging it in. Things are going well, I have an eating schedule that seems to be helping with the blood sugar

  You may think this is the same picture from yesterday, but less Spock.  However, I am wearing the same t-shirt from yesterday and of course it is not sweatshirt change day yet.  That's right, I am a bum (also there are different lights on ;) ). I love Tiffany so much.  She does so many things for me without complaint.  I know how stressed she is from other things, but she still drives forward.  Today was bag change day - it's yucky, it's way too early for her, and yet she just does it.  She's just down right amazing. I am starting to feel a little better.  My sugars are getting manageable as long as I manage timing and amount of carbs.  I haven't cut out the ice cream :)  I also am having a lot less pain along the incision route and in my gut so that helps.  The more I think about it, it might be the steroid in my liver pump that is making me feel so good (I hate to say that, but all the swelling reduction is probably helping). So I don't feel like writing muc

  In some pictures you just have to show off the Bell's Palsy :) I felt good this morning!  I had a good 4 hours of straight sleep where I didn't wake up.  Other than being extremely thirsty this morning (and hungry - finally without being stoned), I felt like I had energy for the first time since surgery.  It is a good feeling (maybe it was changing the sweatshirt?). Got outside yesterday and harvested up the rest of the cherry tomatoes and cleaned up the fallen ones.  It is time to tear out all the non-perennial plants in that garden all the same.  The test flower gardens did well.  Even with the nasty house water.  I discovered my treated well water has too much salt and is killing the plants indoors and outdoors that I water with it.  Luckily, I used rain water on the "important" garden. Things at home are good.  Tiffany is really stressed.  She doesn't only have me to worry about, but so many other things pulling at her.  Hopefully, I start to feel better lat

  Much more obvious t-shirt change today.   It is cold again this morning, but is supposed to be 68 degrees.  I still haven't taken out the UV light yet and need to do that.  This not getting light until 7ish thing does not work for me.  I don't mind the evening getting dark a little earlier, but the late winter 4:30 PM dark skies stuff is for the birds. So yesterday was a pretty good day.  Got another large chunk of bud harvested (Yes, there is still more bud - some of them have gotten better the longer I have waited).  Felt ok most of the day, had energy in the morning, was a little clearer in the head.  Today I feel even better.  Hopefully, it lasts longer than yesterday (I got to about 2-3 and was feeling a little tired and sick). Sometimes I wonder if I had gotten to a point where I just ignored feeling less than 100%.  I started doing that with work a long time ago.  I would go when I didn't feel up to it, work late when I was already getting dizzy and lightheaded.  A

  I am wearing a different t-shirt, I swear! :) It is a little brisk this morning 42 degrees, but it is supposed to get up to 62 - I'll take that!  The winter weather gets me down so it may be time to pull out the UV happy light.  Speaking of happy light!  Just tried one hit from one of the buds that has been curing for 2 weeks - damn good!  Yes, 7:00 AM and I am stoned.  I'd say with what my body is doing to me, I earned it. Things are going well Tiffany and I had lunch/breakfast with a friend yesterday.  We went to Cracker Barrel.  I am not sure why I think that restaurant is ever worth going to.  Though they were open at 10:00 on a Thursday...  Gotta do what ya gotta do. Went out and took some pictures this morning prior to the sun coming over the hills to our east.  Here is an example: The colors are nice.  They look better in the sun, but I wanted a dreary pic this morning. I also took a picture of some weed's (actual weed not smoking weed ;) ) flower.  I respect the p

 So on the second day from new chemo.  I can still feel the effects of the chemo treatment, but not as bad.  Most of it materializes in my gut which is combined with pain if I don't eat or drink enough electrolytes.  The ostomy bag drains a lot of water from my system which isn't idea when you are taking diabetes medication that removes sugar via urination.   Today (early than this message was typed) was ostomy bag change day.  Tiffany is just amazing she does all the work in the change process and never complains.  She is truly amazing and it makes me love her even more if that is possible. Sometimes I feel better than others and I am hopeful for some longevity.  However, every time I have a bad pain in the side or in my stomach I get terrified that I am getting sicker.  I have to start getting more active to help get my head in the right place.   With the liver enzymes elevated a got a little scared, but the oncologist says there is nothing to worry about.  Hopefully, the ste

 So no picture today as I am lying in bed in the hotel and Tiffany isn't up in yet.  New chemo made me pretty sick and it's the first time I've thrown up from nausea.   The couldn't fill my liver pump due to elevated alkaline phosphate (ALK).  The oncologist says it's nothing to worry about as the last treatment added some toxicity to my liver.  So on steroids to help (which also fuck me up). Tiffany continues to slog through this with me - she's amazing. Well - not very motivated to post. I love you all!

  So I am a little sick of feeling ill all the time.  I can't figure out whether it is my sugars or not eating enough, etc...  Trying to maintain weight has proved to be difficult with also controlling all my carbs.  Sugar free food just doesn't have any calories and besides it tastes like shit.  Also, you can't just eat meat all day - I mean you can, but even I get bored of that shit.   Today is treatment day.  It is the first day on the new medicine (Irinotecan or Camptosar).  It looks to be a pretty yucky chemo and with how I feel at the moment.  I am taking so many drugs now, it is hard to keep them straight.  I feel like an 80 year old man in a 55 year old's body.  Of course, they will also be giving me the liver chemo and dexamethasone (I hate this steroid, but I guess it helps with the side effects - makes me loopy though). Well, need to get ready to drive to NJ. I love you all!

  Not sure if you can tell how much weight I have lost since I started this bloggy thing.  Well, it is in the neighborhood of 30 lbs. I haven't been this light since I got out of the corps.  Lost a good 20 pounds just from right after surgery.  I am so thin in my hands that my wedding ring fell off last night while I was petting the dog. I have figured out that my pain in my stomach is gas.  I will need to find out which foods are doing that so that I can avoid them.  I feel pretty good this morning all things considered.  All this not feeling well has me a bit scared.  I take some solace in the fact that my liver tests are coming back normal.  They are on the high side of normal, but still normal.  I guess my other concern is the spread of cancer during this break from systematic chemo.  What if during that time it established in distant lymph nodes or elsewhere in my digestive or endocrine systems?  I guess I need to just relax and wait for the next scan.  Cancer is such a hurry

  Look a whole different view this morning.  I didn't feel like making my way to the office out back, so I plopped into my recliner with my laptop.  Camera isn't as good, but not a huge concern.  My stomach has been a little painful when I sit and laydown (not so much when I am up and moving).  I feel like I haven't been eating enough with my diabetes medication.  I made sure that this morning's breakfast was 600 calories to see if this improves my gut.  I also halved my diabetes meds and I am going to take them spread out throughout the day to see how that goes.  Wish me luck. Things at home have been good (I don't leave the house much other than to walk) and spending time with Tiffany and Maeve has been a gift.  If I make it to retirement, I know that I can grow old with Tiffany right here in this house we have called home for 22 years with absolutely no need for any other company.  She truly is my best friend.  Not sure if she is bored with me, but I don't th

  It really is a different t-shirt this morning :) What a mess my office has become.  I think today I will try to pick up a bit (as long and the things I am picking up are less than 8 lbs. The lifting restrictions are a pain, but I guess the alternative of multiple abdomen hernias sounds a bit worse.   I have been keeping myself busy trimming bud and I have about 13 good sized masonry jars full and 5-6 small masonry jars.  Funny thing is I am not even done harvesting yet and I still have a good masonry jar (or two) on the drying lines.  I guess next year (that's right cancer - next fucking year) I only need to grow a couple plants :)  Luckily, I have some vacuum lids so that I can remove all the air from several jars to preserve some bud long term.  So far testing shows the final product to be good, but I really won't know until after the full curing process.  The longest cured bud now is about 1 week so I have some time to wait.  My minimum time is two weeks for cure with pref

 So I cut all my hair (well the sides of my head) and trimmed up the beard.  I feel a lot more like myself as the longer hair and full beard just isn't how I see myself. So we are in that wait mode again, chemo treatment to chemo treatment, waiting for the next scan.  I suppose I need to think of somethings we can do that don't involve crowds of people.  Though I just enjoy the fact that I get to spend everyday with my family - so I really don't if we leave the house or just sit quietly in the house.  Because being with them is all I really want and need.  I spent a good 10 years working crazy hours to get ahead - I need to make up for that time.   Surgery recovery is coming along the pain in my midsection is lessening.  I am able to sleep on my side for longer and longer so I am sleeping a little better.  The urination issues are lessening as well so that is helping me sleep as well.  New chemo starts next Tuesday.  I hope that I don't get sick on this one.  I was luck

  Not too cold this morning, but still have the fireplace going (the dogs like it).  Today is Tiffany and I's anniversary.  I am holding up the mug because - boy do I love vanilla milkshakes :) Tiffany has been amazing through this whole thing.  I know that inside she is suffering and scared, but she is so strong on the outside.  She has helped immensely - help isn't the word, Tiffany has kept me propped up and has not allowed me to get depressed or discouraged.  I know she is taking all that for me.  I love her more than one could understand.  I cry just thinking about it. I have been trimming up the weed that is ready.  I must have 10 jars of bud curing right now.  It is amazing how much a well grown plant delivers.  None of the bud got huge as the growing season was messed up and I started late, but all in all we probably have saved ourselves $5K in weed.  Not to mention that the Girl Scout Cookie, Blueberry, and Bruce Banner are good strains. I feel better today than I have

  I'm not gonna lie - I have the same sweatshirt and t-shirt on from yesterday.  I'm that guy. So things are going ok.  It is getting to the point that I will be needed to get back to work here at some point.  Of course my small ass company wants me to come back to the office as they do not understand work from home.  I mean for God's sake, I am IT - people can live without me in the office everyday.  The problem is our office staff are spoiled and don't want to use our managed service provider - they want someone to come right to their desks and "help" them.  My employee doesn't help that as she babies all of them. Anyway, I am going to ask for accommodation and see how that goes.  If they force me to come in, so be it, I will just need to make certain that people stay away from me.  There has been so much covid in that office and most of them don't seem to care if they get it again and again. Other than that work BS, I am healing pretty well.  I stil

  It's that time of year where I will have a sweatshirt on every morning.  It is 45 out right now, but it is too cold in the back room for me to work - oh wait!  I have a fireplace.  Now to find the remote :)  There, let's see if I can warm it up out here.  Well, I am kind of tired of having this pain in the middle of my stomach.  It dissipates over the day, but comes back with a vengeance at night.  I think it is because I am sleeping on my side as this morning when I laid on my side it hurt worse than when I was on my back.  I really thought by 5 weeks I would start to feel a bit more like myself with less pain.  I mean overall there is less pain, but I wasn't ready for feeling like this for so long.  I suppose in a few weeks I will wonder what I was bitching about. So this is chemo free week, next week I start the new regiment of systemic chemo and the direct liver chemo.  Not sure how that is going to make me feel, but let's hope I can handle it like I did the other

  It looks like the same picture from yesterday, but I have a different t-shirt on :).  One day is beginning to role into the next and I really don't know what day it is most of the time without thinking about it.  I have been on and off feeling better post surgery (it has been almost 5 full weeks), but still have a bit of internal pain that comes and goes (mostly with gas and digestion items).  I am going to have to read that document about what causes gas with the ileostomy as that causes some pretty gnarly pain when I am full of gas.  I was last night until I moved around this morning as my bag is now full of gas. The family and especially Tiffany have been great.  I am trying to be self-sufficient, but it is pretty impossible when you aren't supposed to pick up anything greater than 8 pounds.  I feel like my muscles are wasting away because I am not doing anything.  I feel guilty all the time I took my health and strength for granted as I would love to have that back now. L

  I guess it is a Pleasant Valley Sunday.  It was bag change day and I continue to be amazed by my wife. She puts up with my care without a complaint.  I guess I don't need a ton of care at the moment.  Some help when I am tired with food, etc...  and bag change day.  I force her to get up early so that I can get to my day (drink some water as I am so thirsty when I don't drink any water all night as I try to make sure I am clear for bag change time). Things are going well.  I am recovering fairly well, I'm still annoyed by the ostomy bag, but I guess I am going to have to learn with it.  There are still some phantom pains throughout my midsection and my incision area gets sensitive when I have a lot of gas in my stomach, but outside of that I am feeling pretty good.  I do find my energy levels are low, but I suppose that is expected. It is funny as things don't really change that much on a daily basis, but I find that typing out my day or my status seems to help me cop

  Yes, I am listening to Magical Mystery Tour at 5:00 AM in the morning.  Don't judge me.  I am also starting to feel the effects of the weed I smoked before 5:00 AM (since I go up at 4:30 AM).  Takes the edge right off the nauseous stomach I had. Things are going well, harvested the bulk of the weed over the last couple of days.  You'd be surprised how tired I got walking to the week, trimming, and bringing it inside.  It isn't like it was laborious.  The walking is good for me and I think it helps with getting my ab muscles strengthening again.  It also seems to help with the urination issue I am dealing with (refer to: you don't know how to pee). Saw Gusty and Wyatt in person yesterday (finally).  Wyatt is getting so big.  I miss seeing him around the house, but I am certain Tiffany would have gone bat shit crazy (like Arkham Asylum shit) if she had to deal with me and Wyatt during the day. Well, not much to talk about today (I'm not in the mood). It's Octobe