Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  I really can't believe that I have kept this up almost every morning.  It is hard to believe.  Tomorrow is surgery and today we will be driving to NYC to do prep, etc...  I know that Tiffany is nervous and I am too, but I try not to show it.  In this case, I need to be the emotionally strong one and show that I am not scared of the surgery.  However, I know that everything is going to be alright.  I feel it.  I know that Sloan does these surgeries regularly and I am going to pull through this. After the surgery is my concern.  Not recovery from surgery, but rather recovery from Cancer.  I am still battling the odds, but I am a battle the odds kind of guy.  I am hoping post this surgery, I can get back to some level of normalcy.  Though we have to get the pump serviced every two weeks and go to Sloan every 4, I can take that.  I am hoping to squeeze in some vacations in between those periods. It seems like I have been sit...

  I know, no beard.  I took it all off with the upcoming surgery.  It was getting kind of scraggly all the same.  Chemo has my hair growing strangely. Well tomorrow we leave for NYC again and Wednesday is Surgery.  I am so nervous.  Not so much about the surgery, but the chances that we are moving in the right direction.  I have read so many people that have had this surgery and are not in remission.  I am hoping that my body can fight this thing.  I want to be around for my family and me.  There are so many things to want to see like Wyatt getting bigger, Maeve getting married?  etc. I don't like the idea of an ileostomy bag - it's the logistics of the thing.  I will need to try and be more active and out and about once I've recovered.  The problem is all my out and about involves alcohol.  What am I to do about that?  I miss it and I don't.  The farther I get from my last drink, the less I want one, but it...

  What a busy morning!  I got a lot of starter plants in the inside grow tent into pots.  Don't go there only four of them are ganga, there are 3 Brussel sprout plants, a big pot of wild strawberry (fingers crossed on these baby!) and a test fuchsia (the other seed didn't grow).  There is also some very old herbs I found in a terrarium kit that is under a special light (will see how they do) and of course the basil! Now that all that is done, I do need to get a little ready for a 2 week trip out of the house, though one of those weeks I will be in the hospital so - who knows how much clothes I need.  Not sure what we will do if I have to sit around the hotel room for 8 days (not my cup of tea - the sitting around that is). Tiffany is really scared, it's understandable.  I am nervous, not scared yet.  I understand that this is going to seriously impact my body, but I have been pretty good about recovering from things and I hope this is no different....

 So I am eating naughty and late to post this morning.  It is Saturday all the same.  The egg sandwich is delicious, 3 types of cheese, purple Cherokee tomatoes from the garden... yummy! Surgery is rapidly coming up.  I'm scared, but confident.  As I walked through the yard today, I have done a lot, but I haven't done all that was in my head over the years.  So much time wasted working...  Needed, but feels wasted. Not making a long post today.  I feel good, looking forward to weekend with my wife and kids.  Then back to NYC. I love you all!

 Listing to Spanish guitar music so Canta y no llores is in my head.   Yesterday was a good day.  I felt pretty good, made a nice dinner for everyone - Grilled Italian chicken breast over angel hair with a homemade pesto parmesan cream sauce.  Tiffany had shrimp and my homemade marinara. Also made roasted garlic to spread on bread to make garlic Texas toast.  Dinner was well recieved. Like I said before I like cooking for people and especially my family.  Giving someone the labor of food seems like the best thing you can do for someone (IMHO). I have to get my Covid test for pre-surgery today as well as pick up all my mini-colonoscopy prep (joy).  There is so much to do in order to prepare for 2 weeks out of the house.  The large burden is on Tiffany as I will be in the hospital for a large chunk of it. The biggest thing for Tiffany is getting out of the city.  I probably won't be able to drive so she doesn't want to drive out of NYC so ...

  It is 6 days until surgery and I am starting to get a bit nervous about all the shit they are doing to me.  I am staying strong on the outside as I don't want Tiffany to know I am scared.  I have trust in the doctors as they do this regularly and I think I am in pretty good shape in relation to other patients.   I've been thinking a lot about life lately.  The good and the bad always comes to mind and my mistakes along the way.  I was also thinking about cooking - yes cooking.  One of the things I have enjoyed the most in my life has been cooking for family.  I guess there is nothing more satisfying to me then providing my family with what they need and add a little spice. Growing up (sorry mom), I didn't really understand how to make a meal full of flavor.  I liken it to a stuffed pepper full of white rice and a little red sauce.  There is a lot of green pepper, but the filling was bland.  I ate the filling (not the pepper b...

 The song line is actually from a Garth Brooks song (Ireland, I'm coming home), but I am leaving for Erin this morning and there are rolling fields of green :). The dark picture is because Tiffany is still asleep and I am trying to let her sleep in a bit.  She gets a little overwhelmed with all the doctor visits and the all day sitting. Yesterday we got good news, the tumor in my rectum looks to be gone, but we are still removing the rectum to be safe and sure that all the cancer in that area is gone.  If we didn't and some remained, it would just grow and spread again once I stop chemo. The liver will be more complex as they are going to try and kill/burn all the cancer in the left side and then add a chemo pump to keep it from returning.  Once I heal, they will go in and remove the right side (which has the bulk of the cancer). All in all, it looks like a long recovery where I can't lift anything over 10 pounds for at least 6 weeks.  As you all know this will ...

  So here we are in NYC again for DR visits and tests.  All of this is leading up to surgery on the 31st if everything goes well today.  The drive to NYC was pretty easy yesterday.  It frustrates Tiffany though, she doesn't like the tight lanes, crazy traffic, and aggressive drivers (I fit right in ;) ) I am not nervous about today.  I am healthy enough for the surgery (that is there concern and I understand that), but I am getting nervous about the surgery.  I want to have a quick recovery and return to normal.  I am hyper like that. It is Tuesday of non-treatment week and I am starting to feel much better and will continue to do so during the week.  I need to think of something to do this weekend as it is my last weekend before surgery.  It is also the time we are going to celebrate Maeve's birthday as my my surgery requires me to travel on her actual birthday.  She has had to deal with a lot this year.  When I was 20, I didn't li...

 Yes, I have the same t-shirt on from yesterday.  I am lazy like that.   I felt awake when I first got up, but not so much anymore.  I thought I slept well.  My stomach isn't as sore and I don't feel too dizzy so all good things.  I am not liking that we are getting into fall and the mornings are dark.  I was able to be outside by 5:30/6:00 AM and that keeps getting pushed back little by little.   Though I am an introverted home body, I don't like the cold dark months that much.  I am hoping that growing things inside can help me with my seasonal depression.  Something tells me this is going to be a long winter. I really don't have much to write today, we are off to NYC this afternoon for pre-surgery meetings and testing.  I am getting more and more nervous about surgery, but realize that it has to happen.  I mean it doesn't, but if I want more years it does.  I forget that 5 months ago I was told I would live 6 ...

  Feeling a lot better this morning.  Stomach is not so sore and my sugar is down to 133 (which is the best reading I've had in weeks).  I took a nice walk around the yard.  It is starting to feel like fall in the morning.  Cold and cloudy.  The garden doesn't seem to mind as the cherry tomatoes keep on coming -  I am going to make a little fresh veggie chop for some eggs this morning with these.  The weed is coming along as well.  The Bruce Banner is coming along for flower better than the Girl Scout Cookies from a flowering perspective.  I may just do the Bruce Banner outside next year and do the GSC inside.  I still haven't perfected the watering cycle for indoor grow so I may just use an auto watering device to solve that. Maeve got made at me yesterday because I didn't jump at the chance to buy her a $1500 video card (yes, you read that right).  I felt really bad actually as I know she enjoys the gaming, but high end video...

  Well, I was going to write outside today, but Nala decided to wake up at 4:30 AM again. I suppose it is ok as I went to bed at 9 PM.   I am a little worried about surgery and my longevity, I have to stop reading other's blogs about colon cancer as most don't end well.  My biggest issue right now is that I can't get my sugar under control.  I wake up with 171 reading and I am spiking above 300.  My DR has doubled one of my Rx so let's hope that helps as I am pretty sure that this is causing damage in my system. Yesterday, my stomach was killing me, so I have to control what I eat today and how much.  It is a tough balance between getting stoned and not eating.  I use the weed to get hungry, but sometimes I get a little too hungry.  I also have been really bad about exercising.  I have to get back to my routine of riding the bike in the morning.  I think I have been a little depressed.  I am having a hard time finding joy in an...

  Not sure why I am so happy at 4:44 AM.  I guess because the insurance company has decided to cover the surgery at Sloan!  This is really good news as I am sure that surgery would have bankrupted us.  So it looks like they may have changed up the surgery a bit to get it covered (I was really hoping they could do everything laparoscopically, but it doesn't look like that is the case any longer.  Either way, this is how I get some more years!  Even if it is another year, I need more time to show everyone how much I love them.  I guess I was showing them how much I loved work over the years, but not how much I loved them.  I know they understand I was doing the hard work for them, so that Tiffany could retire, to build some retirement, allow us to continue to live the way we were.  All in all, I forgot to be part of the family and not just an income generator and stuff buyer. Anyhow, trying to work on that now, but it is harder when you don't f...

  Today is the last day of treatment 12.  I was pretty sick yesterday (not like I was vomiting or anything) just really sore stomach and uncontrollable sugars.  My sugar shot up to 300 plus after I ate lunch (chicken on rice with salsa and cheddar cheese).  I hate the idea that the chemo and the steroid are causing damage to my other organs. I suppose it is what it is. I feel ok this morning, my face is really flushed and of course, there is the dreaded can't go that happens this week.  I get to have all the fun. We will be heading to NYC on Monday to have some tests and meet with all the DRs around my case.  I am hoping for the laparoscopic surgery even though that doesn't sound like full tumor removal if it helps shrink them all can kill some, it extends my existence.  Maybe some of the thought process is to try and create a clean liver side so that resection becomes a possibility.  All in all, I try to remain in good spirits, stay active, etc....

Well, I am trying to work on a family (full) and your blog at the same time.  We will see how that goes.  Nala got me up at 3:00 AM so what the hell! It took me much longer to do that than I expected.  Will have to remember that. It is treatment number 12.  I was pretty sick yesterday, but the weed helped finished the day pretty good - fell asleep quickly, but didn't sleep well.  Nala got up at 3 so that resulted in me getting up way too early.  Got a new blog done just for the family around the surgery items. Anyhow things are well here.  I need to get to breakfast and garden upkeep.  Sorry this blog got cut short by the other blog. I love you all!

 So we got bad news yesterday.  The insurance company has denied the procedure recommended by Sloan.  I hate to think of it this way, but I have to know that the investment in paying for the surgery will have a commensurate outcome in life expectancy.  I can't leave Tiffany and the girls destitute because I wanted 1 more year of life. Sloan changed the surgery to cryosurgery which is new, less intrusive, but not as certain as just cutting it all out (a little less barbaric).  However, it is more of a longevity treatment than a curative one.  I think the only person who believes I can beat this thing anymore is my family and me.  It's kind of sad that at the end I really just become a number/value on a spreadsheet.  I suppose that is all we really are right, a cost to one group, income to another. We have to go to NY on the 23rd so we will probably get more answers then, but all in all I am so depressed.  I just wonder why everyone looks at me...

 I'll admit that a lot of times I have Sundown by Gordon Lightfoot in my head in the morning, but I can't just put that song first line every day now can I?  So I quickly wait until whatever song comes in my head. I have been dreaming about Bernie a lot lately - he is usually chasing me around like as a zombie or ghost.  It has been fairly strange.  I suppose my brain is doing what brains do, but not sure the fixation on my brother.   I can't believe surgery is now 16 days away.  I'm scared, though I know I will recover, but I am concerned they will miss something on the primary tumor or damage my liver.  I don't expect they will be able to get all the cancer as there is too much cancer in my liver for them to remove it all.  The truth is colon cancer recurrence is about 50% of the time after surgery. I want more than 3 - 5 years, though I will take that time, I am not done loving my wife and children.  I like taking care of them.  ...

 Well, I worked way too hard yesterday morning which really knocked me out in the afternoon.  I did however, get all the trees planted.  I look forward to seeing them grow over the next few years.  I especially am excited about the oaks.  I have never seen an oak in upstate NY, but have seen them down south.  I hope they do well and make it through the winter (same with the dog wood).  It will take years for them to look mature as they are only about a foot tall at the moment.  The weeping willow is supposed to be a fast grower so we will see next year. I feel bad about yesterday as I was a little grumpy in the afternoon.  My neuropath is getting really annoying and I am dropping stuff regularly.  It has become really upsetting as I used to have really good eye-hand coordination and dexterity. My gardening in the morning keeps me at some level of calmness and I am going to miss it while I am recovering from surgery.  My marijuana pl...

  I know, I am wearing the same sweatshirt, but it is the next day.  It is 45 degrees outside so the sweatshirt needed to be put on over my T again. It is a messed up country at the moment.  It really is all I could think about yesterday.  The president may have sold US secrets to another country - that is some fucked up shit - and still half the country supports him, is willing to kill for him.  What have we come to in this country?  I blame education, lack of critical thinking skills, and the damn entertainment approach to the news.  Our ignorance will be our demise. Anyway, good day yesterday.  I had to work and Tiffany got the mowing done.  As soon as the sun comes up I am going to get the trim done.  I need to exercise more before my surgery so I am going to get my ass in gear every day - doing something either actual exercise or yard work, but I will sweat every day and do something for my cardio health. I put some infused coconut ...

  Friday... The weekend doesn't really mean much anymore except that I don't have to pretend to work all day.  For the most part, I don't do very much.  I suppose I am comparing my current work to my old work which really isn't fair to be honest.  My old work was global and non-stop.  There was always something critical on the table.  That is not the case with the new job. Tiffany and I played mini-golf VR yesterday, it was the first time in a while and it was nice to do something other than watch TV.  I don't have a lot of energy in the evening and my insides generally aren't too happy by the end of the day, but getting up and moving around is nice.  As much as I would like to watch some new movies out on the deck tonight, I suspect I won't have the energy for that setup, but if I do I might rearrange things so we can sit on the couch and enjoy the gas fireplace while watching the movie - we'll see, maybe Saturday. I stopped doing research on my ...

  Usual morning -  Cat on my lap! It is nice this morning.  High 50s, sun is coming up, but I was exhausted this morning.  Once it starts getting colder at night, I just want to hibernate and sleep all day.  Got up and cut some flowers from the garden to see how they did in a vase. The one flower I brought in the other day did really well for about 2 days so let's see how these do.  I am really enjoying the gardening.  Picked a green pepper this morning as well.  The pepper will end up in my eggs after I finish this post! I shouldn't have researched the liver resection yesterday as the results were mixed some made it some didn't.  I guess every case is different and I have to keep the mindset that I will beat this thing.  I am doing ok now and other than feeling exhausted at the end of the day and bowel issues (I do have a tumor in my rectum), I feel pretty good.  I'm able to get up and around, do manual labor, think deeply (most of...

 Tiffany and Maeve are home!!!  It was so nice just to sit and spend time with them.  I missed them so much while they were gone to Tennessee.  I am really tired this morning.  The week took a bit out of me.  I was able to get the kitchen mostly done and that went over pretty well.  I still to get this room in order, it gets all the stuff that moves from other rooms. My bowels are still a pain, but it is taking longer and longer for them to recover from chemo.  Treatment 12 is next week so I need to make the best of this week.  I am going to try and not get stoned every day at 5, it will be hard as that is what makes me hungry enough to eat with my stomach so sore.  Catch 22 as then I overeat and my stomach gets sore...  so much fun.  Being stoned also just chills me out, I don't think about the cancer and the upcoming surgery as much. I can't believe that we are already in the second week of August.  This year is just fly...

  I suppose if anything, everyone will have a picture of me from everyday sitting in the same chair, in the same room, with the same dubious (dumb ass) look on my face.  I started this to see if there is any real change in how I look.  So I looked back at March 8th and my physical appearance (at least my face) looks the same.  Not sure if how I feel was different, but I other than the hue of the colored lights in my office (ironically Hue lights), I don't look much different.  I suppose my face doesn't show the blotchiness in the picture as much.  Either way, I should note that I don't look or appear much different.  By March I had already lost nearly 20 pounds so the change was from late Jan to Mar. Tiffany comes home today, I can't wait.  I have missed her and Maeve so much.  I find myself having full conversations with the dogs :)  It isn't so bad, they always agree with me.  Except about food, they always think they I have food....

  Well, it's Monday again and I need to do some work, for work.  I've been less productive than normal, but my less productive is probably someone else's full day.  I suppose that is why I did have some modicum of success.  I really have known only work most of my life.  I don't really know how to relax (other than watch a movie and even then I get up at least two times unless we are in a theater).   I tried to get more done while Tiffany was gone, but treatment week is rough.  I can only do so much before I get really tired and most of the week I was working.  Though I am working from home now, it still requires my attention so it's not like I can run off and clean the entire back room or Maeve's room.  Don't get me going on Maeve's room. I am really tired today.  The dogs (Nala) keep waking me up at 2 AM.  It is hard for me to get back to sleep and then I don't want to get up.  Doesn't help that we are moving into the da...

  Well at least I have a different t-shirt on!  I suppose when someone reads this, if they do, they will wonder why the songs never really have anything to do with the post (for the most part).  That is really just due to whatever song popped into my head while I was walking around checking the garden.  It is nice to see the stuff I planted grow.  It would be nice if it wasn't so hot so I could spend some time tending the garden, but it has been in the mid-90s with the heat index for days.  A couple respites from the heat, but that is it.  The grass appreciated the couple days we got some rain (they weren't days of rain, just days with quick rainfall).  I'll include some garden picks at the end. I am getting pretty nervous about the surgery and such.  I know this is my only chance for survival, but removing 1/2 my liver, my gall bladder, a piece of my rectum.  Just sounds like I could have some serious recovery.  I am going to try m...

  Yes, I have the same t-shirt I had on yesterday.  That is because I only wore it in the AM and changed into a different one, but does it really matter? So it is the end of treatment week.  My gut is a mess, my face is beet red, and I have so much I want to do today.  I hate that I had let the house go like I did.  It is so messy and I am trying so hard to organize and make it so we can enjoy it again.  I suppose I shouldn't say it like that.  We have enjoyed it.  We have lived, loved, laughed, etc...  I guess I just feel somewhat like a failure as I do like things to be clean and organized.   I also let things break and didn't fix them.  Such a driven pursuit of money in the last 7-8 years that I didn't see anything else crumbling around me.  Funny how now the only purpose for that money is to ensure we can make it through this treatment or that god forbid something happens to me Tiffany is going to be ok financially....

  Another late morning with the dogs waking me up at 4:30 so I go back to bed on the recliner and squeeze in a restless hour and a 1/2.  I guess it is sleep either way.  I had to turn on the desk light to light my face or I would have been all red with the Chinatown theme on the Hue lights. I've been pretty lonely with no one home.  The dogs and cats, work, and the gardens keep me busy most of the day, but I just miss having Tiffany and Maeve around.  It's like when Gusty first moved out.  Just not seeing them makes you feel like there is something wrong.  I can talk to them everyday, but it isn't the same.  I suppose that is how my mom feels.  I am not a very communicative person. Things are still going well.  It is the end of treatment week 11 and looks like I will have one more before surgery.  A little sick to my stomach, but all in all things could be worse.  I am a little concerned about surgery.  Not so much getting...

  Late start this morning - really late.  With Tiffany off to Tennessee, I can't keep the dogs up as late as she does and then get up at a reasonable hour for work and gardening.  Damn dogs (Nala) got up at 2:45, 4:00, and then I just slept in the recliner until 6:30 AM.   I accidentally threw away the filter holder for the coffee machine yesterday.  I can't tell Tiffany that or she'd never leave me alone again.  My brain is a little swimmy during this treatment.  It gets worse every time. I have a surgery date (Aug 31).  It looks like we are go for liver, ball bladder, and colon.  That is a lot of shit to get ripped out of your body, but If I am going to beat this, it is necessary. Well I only have a little time today as I have to get to the hospital and get disconnected. I love you all!

  So day one of treatment 11 in the books.  Wasn't so bad.  The big this is the dogs not letting me sleep and the big gray cat.  He was  licking and biting my head most of the evening.  Which I discover was punishment for the munchy crunchy bowl being slightly low (it must be full) - once I added some kibble to the bowl and dripped the sink he left me alone (that will be tonight's routine).   I took a panorama of my messy man cave/storage room.  Figured I'd give you some as semblance where I used to spend the bulk of my time.  And this is only a little bit of the 27L x 16 w space.  It serve's us well. I am in the living room now I think more often. Hanging with Tiffany and Maeve (when she graces us with her presence)  The stomach isn't as bad this morning (as of yet).  I didn't eat any meat yesterday so that may have helped (no heavy protein meat substances either.).  I only did a little bit of sugar (trying to avoid ...

So Tiffany has only been gone for a day, but I miss her so much already.  We haven't been apart in years and I really don't feel complete unless I am around her.  And since I told her to go, I guess I understand how important it is to see her mom. I spent way too much time away from my family.  I find it interesting that most of our immigrant ancestors either never really saw their family again or created large multi-family environments, many times on the same street, in order to stay near to each other.  I suppose growing up it was generally just my immediate family.  We spent time with grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, but more so when we were really young.  As we aged, it was generally just us kids and the folks.  I suppose that is why it was easy for me to drift away for so long.  Funny, as I was the only child to move out of the state.  Luckily, Tiffany brought me home. Today is chemo treatment number 11 (well - today through Thu...

  I can't believe it is August 1st!  I suppose I can believe it, but time sure is flying by this year.  Honestly, I was hoping to make it to my birthday, but I feel like I may get to my birthday and past (today is not my birthday).  Unfortunately, the internet being what it is, posting my full birthday is a bad idea, but those that I care about who read this will know when my birthday is. This month marks five months from diagnosis and 8 months since the bad tests.  I know that people with stage 4 colorectal cancer sometimes don't live this long, but they are generally in the late part of their lives.  I am determined to beat this thing. Today I have my MRI of my pelvis to see how large the rectal tumor on the outside as the GI Dr. can only see the inside with camera inspection.  This test will drive what my future surgery looks like.  I am extremely hopeful for a very small tumor (it has been shrinking) so that I can have it removed and maintain ...