Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 Sunday of non-treatment week, just in time to start feeling better!  I had to make some gummies for Tiffany prior to my post this morning.  Need to test them.  The last time Maeve tried them the oil separated from the gummies leaving you with tasty gummies, but no high.  With Tiffany leaving tomorrow :( I wanted to have some for her to take with her.   I can't believe she is going to be gone for a week.  It is the first time I will have to do chemo alone.  I am pretty sure today is treatment 11 on Tuesday.  Hopefully the tumors are continuing to shrink and surgery will get as much of it as possible.  I am getting to a point where I just want 10-15 years to spend time with Tiffany.  We had so many retirement plans.  If I can be moderately healthy during that time frame, I can then travel with her.  I had every intention to retire at 60, but I will have to re-do the numbers now that I left Corning.  I took a big h...

  Late this morning!  I didn't get up until 7, walked around outside and watered the garden and took some nice pictures (I'll post a couple below).  Things are good this morning, I feel OK.  I am pretty stoned at the moment - and that is OK too :) So rather than drag on, here are some morning stroll pictures (with some touch up): My little baby Nala! Well - off to do something fun (like clean or maybe game) I love you all!

  Well, Friday of non-treatment week.  Starting to feel a bit normal and not so sick to my stomach, you know I get like three days of feeling human!  I got outside this morning and finished the make-shift trellis for the grapes. The little garden area is coming along and I think that it will provide a nice veggie garden for Tiffany and I come retirement.  You read that right.  I am doing all of this with the knowledge I am going to beat this thing or have enough time (longevity) with treatment us to enjoy my yard.  I put it off for so long and I had all these ideas in my head, but was too lazy or something was always more important (usually work), etc... I didn't realize how depressed I was the last few years working for Corning.  I should have switched out earlier, but I was so worried about having enough money for us.  Especially once Tiffany left work, it was really important to me that the girls stayed at a certain level of living.  Howev...

 Well, it is getting to the point where I am at nearly 5 months from an oncologist telling me I had stage IV cancer and it has been nearly 8 since the first bad tests started coming in.  Today is Thursday of non-treatment week and I am just starting to feel like I have energy again.  This is usually where I work to hard and wear myself out.  It is always nice, this non-treatment weekend and then the Monday of treatment week.  Monday of course is always the best - calm before the storm I guess. Speaking of Monday, next week Tiffany will be going to her mother's.  I know I have written about this before, but I think she needs the break.  I will miss her terribly.  I always have missed her and the kids when I traveled.  She wrote me these cute little notes every time I traveled for work.  I have them all in my top dresser drawer.  I'm sentimental like that (don't tell anyone).  I also have a binky and several other things most peo...

  It is starting to get darker in the mornings.  Definitely getting closer to August and soon the days will start to shorten.  I am not looking forward to winter this year.  I was thinking about it last night, I need to get the snow blower out early as who knows whether I will have the energy to get it up to the driveway come winter.  I keep thinking I will blow back from surgery like I did back surgery, but that was a while ago and my body has aged a bit since then.  It is amazing how you get older every year seems to have a larger impact on you.  Maybe you just don't realize it as a kid/young adult/etc... Yesterday was an OK day.  My stomach is still sore, but I didn't feel as sick most of the day and was able to focus on some actual work.  I've been trying to get Tiffany to eat better, but she has the same depression and I know it is eating at her.   I have been seeing a lot of crap online about God this and God that.  It up...

 I had some really strange dreams last night and I wasn't stoned when I went to bed.  Weird futuristic dreams with a lot of people from my past.  It kept me up most of the night.  It's nice this morning, 54 degrees and foggy.  There was a new flower in the planter on the south side of the house.  Whereas the last new color was orange this is far more red in color.  I need to get out there mid-day when they are all open and cut out the old blossoms.  Maybe I will do that at lunch today. Yesterday started out pretty good, but then I ate too much and got too full and couldn't move things along.  I have been gaining a little weight so I guess that is a good thing all in all.  My stomach is in a lot of pain as I haven't been able to move things.  My head gets a little spin by the end of the day as well.  I am going to try and not get stoned this evening to see if it helps with the brain fog.  I am just tired of feeling tired an...

  I look purple because the Hue lights are set to Nebula scene.  You may find this hard to believe that I don't have any planned entries (this is sarcastic if you don't pick up on that).  I just sit down and type.  My stomach is still a little rough today, but I feel a bit better.  I am still amazingly tired.  I got up at 6 only because I feel lazy if I don't get up early and the morning is my "me" time and it is when I have the most energy.   I have been taking this daily pictures to see if there is any real change in me from March until now.  It shows me in my natural element as well.  I have spent a lot of time at this desk over the last 15 years or so.  I'd have to think about when the room was done and when I made it this way (I used to sit on the other side of the room 10 years ago or so where those hexagon lights are behind me).  Either way, I have spent a lot of time out here. Yesterday was a down day again, but I did g...

  Do I look tired, because I am exhausted.  Dog up at 4:30 (Nala!) and was tossing and turning most of the night.  Problem is once I get up anytime after 4:00 AM I have a really hard time getting back to sleep.  I am going to try and go back to sleep after I finish this post, but we will see. The chemo really kicked my ass this week.  I've been tired, weak, not able to think straight, and the stomach issues.  I know that I could be sicker, but I'm also tired of not being me.  That goes deeper than not just feeling strong enough to do things.  I can't find anything that I enjoy doing.  I mean I like going out and taking care of the plants, but you can't do that when it is 94 degrees and blaring sun.  Especially when your skin is sun sensitive due to chemo as well as being the whitest man on the planet.  I can't even find a video game that keeps my interest.  I need an attitude adjustment. Tiffany continues to be a trooper every ...

  Saturday...  Not really a big deal any more as I don't do much for work all the same.  I feel bad about that, but I just can't seem to concentrate that long.  Maybe it was just the rush of going to NYC and then another chemo treatment.  I felt sicker this time around then I have in most of my treatments.  I just didn't have any energy this week.  I tried to drum up some on a couple days, but just couldn't seem to muster any. Some of it is that I have grown tired with being sick.  I know that people live years like this, but I don't like it.  I am so used to being self-sufficient and full of energy that not having any is depressing.  I suppose I need a bit of an attitude adjustment. Outside of my lack of energy, I know that Tiffany is also feeling depressed, scared about the surgery, the future, etc...  I worry about her if things don't go well for me.  She is very used to be taking care of things.  I like that job. I thi...

Can't get that Monty Python song out of my head after seeing Josh Hawley run from the protesters he egged on before walking into the capital - pussy! Things are going well this morning.  Slept in past 6 as I was up watching the very disturbing hearings.  Some fuckers better be going to jail, this former Jarhead is a bit pissed off about the presidentially sponsored insurrection or at minimum attempt to stop a transfer of government power.  It's bullshit they are all still walking the streets and living on their high horses (the people in power who attempted this shit). Enough about that.  I am settling into the fact that the latter half of the year will be recovery.  I suppose I am in no major rush to lose the rest of my summer/fall, but I sure want as much of this cancer as possible out of me.  I think the big question here is how often does the other half of the liver grow back disease free or does it just spread from the side that remains.  The whol...

  I suppose family reading this blog will kind of get sick of me sitting in the same seat every day.  I do the pictures to show that the outside of me doesn't really show that I am sick.  It is my activities, my mental capacity, my nausea, and bowels which don't really show up on pictures.  I suppose it is some of that silent suffering that people with cancer refer to. In a way I do just wanna stop, lots of things and that could be two songs.   I have made the decision to go with the tumor removal.  As invasive as this large surgery is, it is my best approach for cure or more longevity.  I will continue to fight.  I will eat well, not drink, and try to be here for my family as long as I can.  And for me.  I do love being alive and the more time I spend gardening the more I realize what I want to do in my retirement.  I want time to make this yard beautiful and grow wonderful things that I can look at and eat.  We have so much r...

  Well it is halfway through treatment 10 thus far, I feel pretty good.  The massive constipation hasn't begun so I have that going for me.  A little lightheaded last night from all the drugs, but not so bad.  The weed post work mellowed  me out quite a bit.  I wish I could find what combination of things makes me feel really good as there are some weekends my body just feels great (until I tire it out :) ). I have felt pretty confident that we can work with Sloan and continue my life for a bit.  Ultimately, it will be a battle over years according to my Guthrie oncologist.  He is an honest man with a lot of years in the business.  Someday,  ultimately, this cancer may beat me, but it will know that I fought my ass of to remain with my family. We have a statement know - "one day at a time" in celtic tattooed on our wrists.  It isn't a new statement, but we keep reminding ourselves everyday is a new day.  One to find the things ...

  I know I am sitting in one of two places in each picture, but I don't really take a lot of pictures of me through the day.  So I take them when I am about to write my entry for the day. Today will be treatment 10 of my chemo.  The last chemo prior to surgery.  I still don't know which path I will take with the colon tumor (radiation or surgery).  It is a tough decision for me.  I just want to be cancer free (I know this is a long shot) and I would like to have normal bowels again, but let's face the facts there - I think that bad bowels is a long term thing. Yesterday was tough as I was upset.  This snowballs into everyone being upset.  Tiffany is very concerned about the surgery.  It scares me too, but I have to keep going on this.  The alternative to surgery is slow cancer death (I may just be delaying the inevitable, but I try to think they will get it all - have to be hopeful and positive). Well, I have to get ready to go to the ho...

  So it is Monday of treatment week number 10.  This may be my last treatment for a while as I will be having surgery on my liver at the end of August.  I am pretty scared about having half of my liver removed, but I suppose they do this surgery all the time (for donations, liver cancers, etc...).  So I know I am in good hands at Sloan, I just get worried. I am more worried about Tiffany, she seemed so blah this weekend.  I am not helping as I sat on my ass most of the weekend as well.  I need to start being more energetic to inspire everyone.  It is hard to believe that it has been over 6 months that I have known about my illness.  I am sure this will go on for years, but such is the nature of cancer. If I have learned one thing - it is "Be a goldfish" - thank you Ted Lasso.  Everyday is another chance to make a difference in my house, to my wife, and to my kids.  I really have learned how deeply I care for all of them. Well, got a late...

  I am sitting on the deck trying to drown out my dogs barking with Mozart's Requiem. They are barking at the coyotes that are screaming in the distance.  They are stupid dogs, but they're our stupid dogs. I did some work yesterday, but it is supposed to be 88 again today so it will be too hot for me to work outside.  I don't know why I can't sit still.  I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I feel like I only have so much time left so I am try to get things done.  I suspect it will be a long winter... I continue to think about time wasted, but I suppose when facing your morality, you always think about the things you should have done.  However, I do let all the good memories in and I try to concentrate on them.   It is so nice outside this morning, it is 63, sun is coming up and the birds are singing (and Mozart's Requiem).  I don't like that I can't do this in the winter.  That is why I am trying to build the plant room as I w...

I thought I would give you all a front and back view from the out back deck.  Of course with me in it.  I didn't get on my computer yesterday as we were in NYC and didn't feel like it.   Met with two surgeons and was anally raped by one of them all in the name of my health.  The good news is that the colon surgeon felt the colon tumor was really small (this means it shrunk considerably).  There are options there without surgery, but requires radiation.  The scary one is the liver.  It still has a bunch of small tumors.  So they are discussing removing half the liver and then working on the left side along with a chemo pump directly into the liver. All in all this could save my life for some time.  I want that time so I can spend it with Tiffany.  I love her more and more every day and her strength and concern for me is such a comfort and it gives me strength and hope every day! I thought I would share some pictures from my morning walk a...

  Heading up to NYC today so that we can meet with two surgeons tomorrow.  As much as the surgery scares the shit out of me, I know it is the only way I have any chance at longevity.  So as much as I don't want to drive to the city, don't want to get cut open, don't want to have fucking cancer, it is what it is.  I have to understand that this is the path that medicine knows best right now and I will have to deal with it. Tiffany is really stressed and I fear that all of this is weighing way to heavily on her.  She isn't very healthy at the moment and I am getting concerned.  I know she is stressed about having to take care of me post surgery, etc...  as well as the fact that the girls aren't exactly self-sufficient.   We have some money saved up, but depending on how long I am on disability that will dry up.  We looked at how much our cancer bill is and if we didn't have health insurance, I'd be dead.  Why?  Because there is n...

  If  anyone ever reads this blog, you will find that the lyric in the post title has nothing to do with what I write.  It just happens to be the song that is stuck in my head that morning or that comes up when I sit down to type.  You can definitely tell that I don't plan them out as well :) I've been tired the last couple of days.  I can't seem to get enough sleep and my body just seems to not want to do anything.  I suppose some of it is the cancer, some is that I need to be more active, and probably a lot of it is the chemo.  The tips of my fingers are getting to the point that I can barely feel through them, I hope this goes away soon. I am beginning to get really concerned for the future of the country.  There is some serious issues between the right and the left and the disinformation being fed from the right to control power and ultimately to benefit the capitalists is moving towards a critical mass issue.  There are so many people th...

  Not quite afternoon, but Tuesday all the same.  It finally is raining.  Not sure how much we will get as this is just a front moving across the lakes towards us and we are right on the bottom of the line, but I'll take it.   I'm feeling a little better this morning.  I've gone the last couple of mornings and that helps.  We finally have a meeting with the surgeons Friday.  A little rushed, but I really want to get moving on this.  The chemo is really getting to me lately, and maybe it isn't the chemo, but just all of it.  Not being able to leave the house in fear of Covid, neuropathy in my hands, weakness, fatigue, etc...  I want to be my old self.   I really should refrain from that.  My old self didn't take very good care of himself, I didn't do the work around the house I should, thought too much about what I wanted and not what the family needed.  So I guess, I want to have the energy of my old self so that...

Finally got things moving in the system this morning.  Was cramping all night long so I am currently exhausted.   I know today's picture looks a lot like yesterday's.  I didn't wear the sweatshirt very long yesterday as it warmed up quite a bit (48-83).  Today will be similar.  It is in the low 50s at the moment, but the high today is 88.  We haven't had rain in weeks.  The rain barrel (55 Gallon) which was full is now about spigot height which is about 15 gallons of water.  Forecast doesn't call for any rain so things are getting pretty damn dry with the heat and the lack of rain.   I got a lot done on the southside garden yesterday.  The trellis came in last week and I finally felt up to building it. I have decided that the entire front yard should be garden.  Limits the mowing and we can grow all kinds of flowers and herbs.  I think the front lends itself to less veggies and fruit and more flowers and herbs.  ...

  So yes, I have a sweatshirt on.  It is July 10th and it is below 50 degrees this morning.  It's brisk out there.  The morning plant walk was colder than usual (generally in the high 50s low 60s).  Most of the plants don't seem to mind the cold except for the ganja.  It was a little pissed this morning. The picture below is some little flowers that came in the wildflower mix.  They have been peeking out for some time from under the other flowers: I feel a little better this morning, but my stomach is still a little sour.  I feel bad about how upset I was yesterday morning.  I mean what do I expect in 18 weeks/9 treatments of chemo?  I try not to get down and really try to do something every day that requires I move.  I feel bad as when I was working my old job (the one that drove me into the dirt - but I allowed it) I barely got out of my desk chair.  So now, especially since the diagnoses, I have been trying to do something t...

  I feel like shit.  It's the end of treatment week, my insides are a wreck and as you can see my skin is on fire.  I fucking hate chemo.  I try to hide how miserable this makes me from my family, but yesterday I was just sick.  I wonder how much more chemo my body can take until I have permanent damage from it. I already have weird sensations on my fingertips and my insides feel like they are all messed up.  I know I usually don't bitch in these messages, but today I just am pissed off.  I like to try and get things done and I have so much I want to do before surgery.  I suspect recovery will take the rest of my summer and that is why I am working so hard to get things done. So since I am in such a shitty mood, I won't write as much today.  The plants are growing well (some - worried about my tomatoes - they seem to be wilting - we aren't getting any rain).  So instead of bitching, I will post some pictures. The good stuff... I love you...

  It's Friday of treatment week number 9.  Stomach feels like shit, can't move the bowels, etc...  But you know what, I have a shit ton of hope.  Sloan's note discuss removal of the primary tumor, resection of the liver, and the HAI pump.  This is a lot of surgery, but it really is my only path to longevity.  Got to get the cancer out of my body.  I'm scared and excited all at the same time.  Now to get a timeline so we can plan. I worry about Tiffany, I try my best to take care of all the things that need tending outside, there is much to do around the house (too much).  She already has to deal with all the household shit and now she has to deal with everything else.  We really are partners on all of this and it helps keep both of us from being overwhelmed.  I will hope for speedy recovery so that I can get back to my responsibilities. I worry about money a bit.  We have lots of credit to utilize, the current down turn in the ...