Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

Well, today is the last day of treatment 2.  Only 4 more treatments to go until half way and possibly 2 more to start seeing some new scans. I'm pretty hopeful.  Other than the bowel issue with constipation and cramping post steroids and treatment, I have felt pretty good.  The pain in my side isn't as bad as it was pre-treatment, but what do I know until we see the tumors, the waiting is a real pain. I didn't sleep so well the night before last, but only got up once last night so much better.  I felt like I slept well at least.  I feel a little shaky today, but that is most likely the steroids. I drove myself to to work yesterday, I tried to give Tiffany a little break from it.  I find the steroids make me a bit more agitated then usual.  Maybe just a bit more snappy or short.  I need to try and control that as things are tense her all the same. This weekend I am going to try and clean Maeve's room.  I want her to me more comfortable in the ...

  A different room and a no sweatshirt.  Suck it sweatshirt police.  With that said, I wanted to give you some idea of what the port looks like.  Tiffany knows, but that is about it.  I had a good day yesterday considering that it was the heavy day of chemo.  A good 2 hours of dripping and then out the door.  Today my fingers hurt when I type (that is a neuropathy sided effect - joy along with cold sensitivity). I have been thinking about the things I haven't completed.  Wrap around deck, raised gardens on the south side of the house.  Things like that.  I need to replace boards in the deck, etc...  I wondered if I asked Jamie if he would help, but I don't want them coming into the house unless we really get to cleaning back to spare bathroom really well.  Could be worth a try. I also want my back room cool.  I have worked over the years, tidying all the stuff (there is lots of it - I have lots of technical habits).  ...

  I know same sweatshirt.  I feel drunk this morning, maybe it is more like tipsy when your tired.  I got 7 hours of sleep, but just seem out of it.  Meh... Today starts chemo round 2.  Hopefully, my blood tests are good and I can keep going.  I am interested in the kidney numbers as I have been getting some increasing pain in the RUQ.  But - enough about all that. I was thinking a lot yesterday about the "there is no tumor".  I did a pretty good job of trying to go about my day without thinking about it.  I cleaned out a very old junk drawer in my man cave (behind me, but you should have guessed that by now).  There were lot's of memories in there from birthday cake toppers to old game manuals.  There was even a Disney vacation club ad for their new website starting in 2004 (yes - 18 years old). I love junk draws, I mean sometimes you have absolutely no idea what things are; and that is pretty damn fun as well.  However, diggi...

  So I did clean this room up a bit yesterday (you can't see from this angle as I spent most to the time on the desk.  I looks much better.  I have a new thought mantra I referred to yesterday.  There is no tumor.  Until such time it seriously impacts my ability to be me - I am being me!  Now mind you, I am still eating better and not really drinking, but from an activity perspective.  I'm not taking this shit lying down! I worked Saturday caring ladders etc.  Yesterday, I cleaned the crap out of stuff and today I am not going to just come home and sit.  I am going to continue to pick up this back office.   We ate as a family as the table twice this weekend, went out and bought new furniture for the living room and Maeve and I went to Best Buy.  Felt amazingly normal and I didn't think about cancer during much of any of it.  It was some good days. I love you all!!!

 I guess Sundays will always be Sundays, of course a song popped into my head.  The last couple of days, I have almost felt normal.  Other than a bit of pain in my stomach and bad movements, pretty damn normal. I have been listening to this book about virtual reality called Reality+.  With my ability to slip my head anywhere I want to think about, I have been really thinking about the "is this real question" and if it is a simulation, do I control it or am I being controlled.  Can I just make the tumors go away?   Questions about reality and the philosophy around it have always fascinated and perplexed me.  It is items like nothing and infinity that can keep me thinking for hours.  We were taught that the universe was infinite and expanding.  If the universe is infinite what is it expanding into?  When you take all of the, infinite universe and absolute nothing then wrap into it that this whole thing is just a simulation it really d...

  Yes, I know I have the same sweatshirt on again :)  Yesterday was really good.  I worked all day, was able to stay focused, no dizzy spells, and I had an appetite! These are all good things!  It's days like that where I have the mindset that I can beat these things.   I made the mistake of reading through the Sloan Kettering doctor's note.  I didn't realize how large my cancer tumors were until I read that.  No one had told me, they just said I had them.  That kind of scared me, but at the same time it made me realize how nice it is to know that I have that, but can still feel "almost" normal.   I road the exercise bike for 20 straight minutes yesterday, that felt good as well.  The whole day just seemed better than I'd had in a long time.   Somewhat selfish item, I really enjoy riding back and forth to work with Tiffany.  I know it is an annoyance for her, but I just like squeezing every minute I can with her....

I know, I have an issue with changing my sweatshirt.  Soon it will be t-shirt season and this will not be an issue.  I am feeling good again today.  I have had a lot of calories in the last couple of days (not extreme, but at least near the normal human amount) and I am feeling good.  I guess I know to keep those pipes moving come the next round of treatment. Yesterday was a pretty decent day.  I drove myself to work, realized my inspection was up (it was due 7/8 months ago), and played some bowling with Tiffany.  I am trying to keep things normal at home.  I get tired at the end of the day, but I will try to make this weekend a little more active to see if I can help with Tiffany's depression.  I know she is with all that is going on with me, her dad, the kids.  She carries a lot on her shoulders. I started a OneNote writing notebook - I am not being unfaithful to this blog, I just get a lot of writing ideas and I let them disappear.  A...

  So I feel a lot better this morning.  The evenings generally end with some bloating and uncomfortable feelings in the gut, but this is the first morning since ending the first treatment that I didn't "feel" sick.  So I guess I go that going for me. I played around in VR a lot yesterday, I actually worked in Meta Workrooms.  Technology for me is sometimes a double edged sword of things.  I really love new tech and possibilities.  However, I get sad that I am not going to see 50 years from now technology.  Seriously, I want to play with that VR!  I think about what we have done with technology in the last 50 years and if we don't destroy the human race, what we could achieve in the next.  I know I am a nerd, but I just want a sneak peek.   Things have been pretty doldrum in the house, it is that time of year when you can't really go outside for a long period and it is too early to start cleaning up the yard and deck area to get read...

I decided not to go into work today.  I am working from home, just didn't feel like going in.  My stomach is a little messy so there is a good chance I would have an "accident" all the same.  I'm pretty sure I will have all the digestive stuff worked out just about the time I start my next round of chemo.  I am hoping the chemo starts to shrink the tumor in my rectum the next couple of treatments so that I can start having some normal digestive function. I read some of my early posts yesterday.  I was in a bad place.  I guess running 60 MPH into your own mortality will do that to you, but I lost track of some of things I wanted to post here.  I guess if anyone ever reads this, you don't want to read how I felt every day (physically) or what current aliments where caused by chemo (or at least not every day). Tomorrow, I am going to get up at a good hour to make sure that I have time to write something with value.  Something about my past or maybe s...

So it's Tuesday.  Spoke with the doctors about getting things moving in my bowels - I did.  I would prefer not to go at 2 AM, but I will take it. Actually, I feel pretty good this morning - let's hope I can keep this up until next week when this all starts again.  I feel bad because all Tiffany really does anymore is take care of the house.  I wish I could do more for her.  She is so worried that something might happen to me and I was in a lot of pain yesterday so she is afraid to leave me alone.  It is amazing how much she loves me. When I beat this thing - and I am going to beat this thing.  I plan on showing her even more how much I love her.  I try right now, but I generally do work and take care of things as a way to show I care.  I have some energy, but nothing to that magnitude.  I try to send a nice note every day just to let her know how much I love her, how wonderful she is, and how grateful I am that we are together.  I d...

 I didn't feel like taking a picture this morning and it has nothing to do with the fact that I am still wearing the same sweatshirt.  My stomach is still aching though I was able to get some things out this morning.  Trying to figure out what I can eat to help this is becoming annoying.  The cramps were so bad last night that I just went to bed.  They woke me up a bit, but I felt ok when I got up.  Unfortunately, it wasn't long until the first cramp came along. Either way, it was an ok weekend.  Spent time with Tiffany and Maeve.  Played some games on the computer, went for a couple walks, rode the exercise bike, and went shopping.  So all in all I could have had a worse weekend, I would just have liked to not feel sick.   Decided to have my coffee without creamer this morning in case the milk is bothering my stomach.  I put yogurt in a protein drink last night and that did not go well.  I don't know if I had just eaten m...

  So another night of cramping and no bowel movements - not a great way to start a note, but it is what it is.  I'm going to try and be more active today and get some food in me.  The slow moving bowels are the biggest issue so I am going to put together some smoothie items so maybe I can get some calories in me. I am down to 205 this morning so I have lost a bit of weight over the first course of chemo.  Considering it was just my first course, I need to get a bit stronger about dealing with this stomach/slow bowel issue.  It is going to get a lot worse so I need to be prepared.   I think the thing that bothers me most is feeling sick.  Not like nausea sick, but just not feeling well.  I am so used to being independent and doing my own thing that feeling weak and incapable is really weighing on me.   Another item that is weighing on me is the inability to focus.  I hate being swimmy headed and this is really getting to me....

 So it would seem a side effect I am going to have from chemo is extreme constipation.  Not a good topic for a blog, but the truth.  I suppose that is a possible side effect from the steroids, but if the milk of magnesia doesn't work this morning, I am going to be extremely unhappy. Yesterday was a rough day.  It does seem as if I crashed pretty hard from the steroid.  I just didn't feel well at all.  My head is a little better this morning, but I just don't feel right.  I am going to try and ride the stationary bike after my entry this morning to see if I can get things going.  Sometimes it is hard to stay positive about treatment especially when I am so uncomfortable.  I need to find some things to do that keep my mind off of the cancer, but it is hard when your stomach is cramping so aggressively.  I am going to try and have an early dinner with Tiffany and a friend.  Maybe getting out of the house will help.  I don't think ...

So I have a different sweatshirt on!  I guess that is progress.  I have completed round one of chemo.  Not too much complication.  The steroid crash is starting to hit this morning and I'm a little tired.  Not that any one wants to read this, but had horrible constipation with this first round.  Worst I have ever had - however, some meds over night seemed to help. I suppose as I progress through this disease I will have far worse things to deal with. I worry about my family all the time.  It is funny how I really don't think about what is going to happen to me or how I might suffer.  It drags far more on me the items that my family will have to deal with especially if I don't improve with chemo.  I try to stay active and not ask to be too big of a burden.  At times I just don't feel well in the afternoon so I need a bit of help with things and I can't just rush out and do manual labor outside as I would have in the past.  This depre...

 Happy Saint Patrick's Day!!!  Any other time I would be taking today off and having a bunch of Irish Coffee in the morning.  We took a hiatus from that as I don't think the alcohol is good for me right now. Probably some would say I should just celebrate all the same, but I can celebrate without the alcohol as it is important to only have my chemo poison doing it's thing at the moment.  Speaking of chemo, I am on the final day of the first of 12 weeks of FolFox 5-FU over six months.  The first treatment wasn't so bad, but I suspect this continues to get worse as they do each treatment.  Either way, I went to work yesterday, I felt good most of the day.   I have been getting a little light headed at the end of the day even before the chemo so my cardiologist is adjusting my BP meds to try to keep my BP from going to low in the afternoon.  I really never had constant high BP only unstable BP.  Hopefully this helps and makes my afternoon a...

 So I am not officially on chemotherapy FolFox (5-FU).   Thus far (2nd day AM) I am feeling pretty good all things considered.  I'm a little shaky tired this morning which I expect is from the steroids and the chemo.  However, I feel well enough to go to work so that is a good thing.   Tiffany was great as usual.  Sat through the entire time we were at the hospital (9:15 until at 1:30) and put up with the very talkative nurse.  Either way they explained everything they were doing and the possible side effects.  Thus far the only real side effects I am feeling are some sensitivities to cold and sweet in my mouth (like a popsicle hitting your new filling) and some scratching in the throat when I drink cold liquids.  Once the nerves adjust the feeling goes away, but I could see where it would annoy people. The shawl in the picture is from Tiffany's mother.  She is a very kind and thoughtful individual.  She is sending a green...

  So not the best picture, but there is a Speckles tail :) Today is the first day of chemotherapy.  I suppose I should put an exclamation point on that.  I am nervous, scared, and ready.  As I have said earlier (I think), I don't have many other options at the moment and if this is the first step to extending or saving my life.  I am interested in seeing what the blood tests today look like.  It has been a couple of weeks and I want to see if numbers have stayed relatively the same.  Honestly, I have not eaten this healthy since I lost all that weight in 210 or so. Tiffany, I think, is more nervous than I am.  We are in limbo to some extent and we want to start making progress on my treatment.  You never hear about the waiting that cancer patients have to go through or the stress of just always not knowing what direction you are moving in from a health perspective.  It can be nerve racking. One of the things that is driving my nuts is ho...

  This is two days in a row that I feel pretty damn good in the morning, all things considered.  My stomach always feels like I ate too many chicken wings, but I've grown to live with the feeling like I constantly have to go. I found a new scene to put on the Hue lights out in the cave.  As you can see from the picture it is a scene called Honolulu and it changes everything to a red orange (sun rise/set).  I matched the fire place and the potion bottle.  I guess the potion bottle should be health all the same :) Yesterday I did the whole driveway (snow removal) with the blower.  It was nice to be outside and doing something for the family.  I have to admit there were many times that I forgot about the cancer while doing it.  It felt really good to do something normal and helpful.  I am very much aware that I gauge my value by what I do for my family.  I suppose if this is a virtual world then my programming tells me to work and that work...

Yes, I am wearing all the same clothes that I wore yesterday and no, I don't really care (I have different boxers on though ;) and socks of course I feel good this morning - I've been writing that a lot, but somedays you have to take it a day at a time.  My back feels good even though I shoveled a bit yesterday and only a little pain in my side.  I can actually take a breath without the sharp stabbing pain.  I'll take it. In fact, I almost just started cleaning up my desk and would have forgot to make my morning post. Yesterday was a decent day.  Spent most of the day stoned and was able to somewhat keep the idea that I have stage IV cancer out of my head.  Tiffany and I tried to play some mini-golf on the Quest 2 in Meta, but the dogs were having none of that.  Lately, if I move Nala has to be moving with me.  I like to think that they are keeping an eye on me, but most of the time I think they just want food. Maeve came out of her room for a bit and ...

Had to get the guard dog in my picture.  I woke up at 3:00 AM this morning.  I scratched my port incision while I was sleeping and it woke me up.  Once I wake up, I'm up. This morning, I feel good.  It is the first morning in sometime that I woke up without pain in my side.  I really am trying to "not think about it" or "act normally" but it is very difficult.  I am going through the numbers and acting like there is nothing wrong, but I'm screaming inside.   Yesterday was really nice.  Tiffany and Maeve went out to get food before I came home from work.  We had a nice fish fry for lunch and a salad for dinner.  Maeve stayed out in the living room with us for some time.  We watched a really freaky messed up film called Bliss.  I liked the simulation twist but I think it frustrated Tiffany.  We then watched the new Ryan Reynolds movie "The Adam Project" and that was a much better evening light-hearted film.  We als...

  I know, I need to change that hoodie.  I really don't wear it all day, just about an hour in the AM and a couple hours at night (usually with a t-shirt), but it is time ;) So it's Friday!  I really am looking for a couple of days off from work.  I will be honest that I have been phoning it in lately.  It is funny how hard it is not to think about your cancer.  I never really understood the idea of terminal illness.  I mean I empathized as well as I could, but I didn't realize how invasive it was in your thoughts. I do try to think about the future, that there are some who beat this thing, etc...  I know how important it is to stay in the now and not let it all wave over me.  It is hard.  I keep trying to find that magic activity that just makes it all float away.  Being with Tiffany really helps, but I think she has been struggling as well.  I don't think she wants to talk to me about it as she is trying to be strong for me (...

  I still have the same hoodie on :) Well, I had my chemo intro training yesterday.  Not much I didn't already know, but the nurse who coordinates is nice.  Below is the bandaged and after removal pictures of the port installation.  In all honesty other than the first day (after drugs wore off) the surgery location was really no big deal. Here is the bandaged picture: and here is the unbandaged: It really is a small incision.  The doctor tried very hard to make the incision along my tattoo line which was nice of him.  We (Tiffany and I) told him it wasn't a huge concern in light of all the other things, but he still was conscientious about it.  Things with me are going well at the moment.  My stomach gets crampy and I really have to make sure I am eating the right things. Gas builds up and causes pain in my abdomen.  I suppose some of it is also the pressure from my liver, but by the end of the day it usually hurts to breath in deeply.  ...

  I guess taking a morning picture will require that I change my hoodie more often :)   I feel good this morning.  I have chemo training today so I am taking a half-day.  Seems strange to say this, but I get to spend the day with Tiffany so that is awesome.  It just occurred to me that I hadn't taken a picture of the small bandage where my port was inserted.  I am taking it off today so I will have the follow up picture tomorrow. So here is the port location covered by the bandage: It isn't very large and the doctor was so concerned about ruining my tattoo and according to the nurse he tried really hard to make the incision along a line in the tattoo.  In the long and short of things, I am not real concerned about a scar in my tattoo.   I plan to document the chemo treatments next week as much as I can.  This daily log really does help me get things out and keep my head on straight.  Speaking of keeping my head on straight, not...

 Port is installed, I was a little sore yesterday, but now I have an annoying stinging in my chest to go along with my dull pain in my side.  I feel pretty good this morning.  I think I slept well regardless of the outpatient surgery.   Today I feel really confident about my upcoming chemo.  I know it will make me sick, but I will power through it.  It really is my main chance so I have to be extremely positive that it will work. I am worried about what this is doing to my wife and kids.  Gusty is in the middle of her own shit storm and Maeve was just getting better about socialization and getting out when all this shit hit.  I need to be more positive to help everyone with what they need. Today's animal was Speckles.  She doesn't stay long, just long enough to sneeze on me or my keyboard. You can see the top of her and her tail.  Bear as usual is behind me guarding any approach.  She's a good dog.  The light from my Happy...

 So I decided to start adding a daily picture to the all the posts.  So here is this morning's: My Nala loves her mornings with me.  Pretty soon she will run to the kitchen to try and find garbage so I will need to type quick.   Today is the day I get my port installed.  I couldn't eat or drink since midnight.  The eating doesn't bother me so much, but I am thirsty all the time.  Yesterday morning I let myself slide into a bad place.  I Googled too much and thought too hard about the possible outcomes of my treatment.  It is what it is and I am going to fight through this.   I feel pretty good this morning and I worked outside yesterday cleaning up the dog mess.  It felt great to be outside.  When it gets up to 70 degrees on March 65 in upstate NY.  You go outside!!!  The sun was glorious.  I got a little overheated and hurt my lower back slightly, but it was worth the sunshine. I even had a small glass...

 Feeling a little lightheaded this morning.  Still I road the stationary bike for 20 minutes so I am keeping up my trend of getting up and stretching (yoga) and then exercising.  I have been having some pain in my chest, but I think that is just the stress of knowing that I am about 1 week away from starting chemo. The chemo they are giving me is for colorectal cancer, but is associated with prolonging life but not curing my cancer.  I am going to fight like hell to be the statistical anomaly that beats this thing.  Thank God for my family as I am not certain I would not fight as hard for myself as I will for them. It is supposed to be 67 degrees today so I am looking forward to getting outside.  It wasn't nice enough to get out yesterday and clean up the dog messes, but I will get to that earlier this morning.  It is already 40+ degrees outside so I am looking forward to having some windows open today. Squirt is currently sleeping on my right arm. He ...

 Well, I am all scheduled for the port in my chest that will deliver chemo and when chemo will start.  It is Mar7 and Mar15 respectfully.  I am wanting to get started and terrified all at the same time.  I am such a control freak that the unknown of whether the treatment will work is scary.  I suppose I should approach this like an aspirin.  I expect the aspirin to work, I expect the chemo to work. I don't know if the girls will ever read this, but I did want to talk to them about money a bit.  We've always just given you what you most of what you wanted (and everything you needed).  I am not sure that this was the right thing to do, but we (your mother and I) wanted to give you all the things we didn't have growing up.  However, I fear you don't understand the value of money, none of us do until we hit the rough spots. With that said, don't take on too much debt.  Just because you think you can make the payment there are always hidden c...

 I never know what I am going to write on these.  I wake up and after getting my coffee and letting the dogs out, I sit down and just start typing.  Today, I am being harassed by Squirt.  He is swatting my strings on my sweatshirt and running around the deck knocking stuff over.  I do love this cat. Finally, we got the stone that was causing problems out of Tiffany's kidney.  The DR told me he took a biopsy of something abnormal and I honestly can't handle that right now. Let's hope it was damage from the infection, stones, and stent.  It was nice to take care of her.  I appreciate doing the little things around the house so that I feel useful. Personally, I feel pretty good.  The pain in my side comes and goes, yesterday it was a little worse than usual.  I think sometimes it is compounded by the gas when I eat.  I don't seem to be processing food right so sometimes I just feel full all day.  It is hard to force yourself to ea...

 I can't believe it is March already.  It is nearly a month since the first DR said cancer, though the tests were already stating it.  Yesterday was a good day and I am convinced that some of the pain in my side is associated with my bad back and the fact that I sit at a job all day.  I tried to be more active.  Road the stationary bike, got up more often, and the sharp pain when breathing was almost non-existent.  I will take the pain free days anymore. Tiffany is finally getting her stent out today.  I have felt so bad for her as she has been dealing with the emotional and physical discomfort for over a month.  I really hope this helps her relax and that she feels physically better.  I know that she hasn't been sleeping as well and the physical pain doesn't help given the emotional shit we are going through.  I think we would both be happier if we could get outside and worship the sun from our deck.  It really does help both of us...

 Finally, we met with actual oncologists and were given some paths for treatment.  We met with both Sloan Kettering and Guthrie.  Their care plans were similar and I have asked that they work together on treatment.  I have a couple weeks top before I start chemotherapy.  It is still surreal to say that.  I will admit I am scared as shit.  The DR said without treatment I would live another 6 months (guesstimate).  What scares me is if the treatment (chemo) doesn't work, I won't be around much longer. I was pretty depressed last night, but today I am feeling pretty good.  I really do think my back is part of the problem with the pain in my side as today I don't hurt when I breath (I haven't eaten yet either).  Either way, I need to stay active and not let the fear of the unknown get me down. Tiffany is such a trooper, she is suffering immensely from pain and infection from her stint and kidney stones.  If it was any other time, I woul...

 It is March already.  I first saw the suspected cancer diagnosis in mid-January and I finally meet with two oncologists today.  I know the answer to the survivability question so I am going to stop asking it.  I have a year to 5 depending on how my body reacts to the chemo.  I would like to say that I can survive this and I am going to fight like hell to do so, but only 4% of people make it through Stage IV colon cancer.   I'm scared.  Not so much about the dying, I have come to terms with that.  If it is my time, it is my time.  I am scared about what it does to my family.  We function together, we lean on each other, we are a unit.  I try not to think about me not being with them.  I know the thought hurts them and the idea of not being with them on their journey tears me apart on the inside.  That is why I am going to fight.  Not for my life, but to see and help them live theirs. I had an ok day yesterday....