Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  It is such a nice morning outside, 54 degrees, sun coming up, birds singing, I like starting the day out like this.  I need to get my plant room done so that I can sit in that room in the AM and feel like I am outside come winter.  I really like seeing the green in the AM. You can see the sun starting to hit the flowering crab apple tree (needs some trimming).  I like the new day.  I know that a lot of people like the sunset, end of the day, promise of a tomorrow, but I like the dawn.  The dawn to me is welcome of the new, a chance to make a difference today, an opportunity.  I guess in my current state I like that I am seeing new days.  I am enjoying this summer every morning. I got up really late and need to get busy. I love you all!

  I know I wear the same sweatshirts a lot, but it really is different days in the pictures :) I can't believe that it is almost July.  It has been nearly 7 months since test started showing that I was sick.  I feel pretty good today.  Sore for some reason, but I did get a pneumonia vaccine yesterday. I really love that song - Only Have Eyes for You - the Art Garfunkel version.  I have always loved his voice.  It is how I feel about Tiffany - I really don't see other woman.  I have never been too endeared or attracted to movie stars or famous people.  I guess there have been a few, but they all look like Tiffany (dark hair, more olive skin, etc...).  I guess I have a type. Well, I went another day without any info as to whether Sloan received the CDs for my MRI.  It is funny how I feel like I have to drive this or everyone would do nothing.  I suspect that this is how everyone with cancer feels during treatment.  The Dr and nurses are doing their jobs, it just seems slow to me

  I suppose I am a bit distracted by the news as of late.  I have been concerned about our country going in the wrong direction (backwards), but this is all getting out of hand.  We had a president (I use the term lightly) that tried to stay in power after losing an election, a radical Christian movement that wants a suppressive society that controls people through their dogma (their interpretation of that dogma), and we are very much on the verge of violence between right wing and left wing states.  I am not sure how we got here - too much laissez-faire attitude with most people I guess.  Distracted by reality TV, media, social media, and their own pursuit of commercial gain.  Whatever it is, we are in a bad place.  If everyone just got off their lazy asses and voted we wouldn't be in such a bad place.l On my treatment front, I am still waiting for my MRI pictures to get to Sloan so they can decide next steps.  This almost certainly puts me into another round or two of chemo.  I s

 I can't believe it is nearly July.  Pushing 4 months since someone told me I had cancer and 6 months to live without treatment.  Fuck that!  I built a second raised garden bed yesterday and mulched the whole area to control the week growth.  It is amazing how therapeutic gardening is.  Something about growing things and getting my hands dirty.  When I was getting out of the Corps I was really considering biology as a path for my life.  I have always enjoyed the outdoors and more so the plant life.  Something about it calms me.  Maybe it is the symbiont relationship we have with plants, the whole we can't live without them thing.  I think a lot of of society has forgotten how important plants are to the whole planet.   Things are still going well.  I felt a little wiped out this week.  I am assuming it is the chemo, but it is probably depression as well.  I mention a lot about the waiting and it is very unnerving to have a disease and not be getting constant treatment.  It real

  Went right outside this morning to beat the heat.  It is really humid.  My energy level isn't much better than yesterday, but I am going to try and get some things done.  Now to make sure that I can avoid going to McDonald's on my way home from Lowe's.  I don't need that food. I haven't been eating as well, not sure why that is.  I have been eating too many snacky cookies, etc...  It is too easy to just grab a cookie from the Oreo bag.  I'll try to be better today. The family continues to seem like they are in a funk and I am not sure how to get them out of it other than get better, so I guess that is what I will do :) Well I have to get some food in the belly and get off to the store. I love you all!

I know by now you have noticed that the songs in the titles have nothing to do with what I write (usually).  It is just what song is in my head when I get up BTW. Been a rough treatment week.  However, I have my family to help and Tiffany's been great.  I suppose that I should expect to feel sick during chemo, but I am so stubborn that I haven't admitted feeling sick very often (at least to my family).   It is a nice cool summer morning again.  Kind of funny as it will be 90 today.  I wish it was going to be cooler as I would like to get some work done on the garden.  I am trying to build out nice planting locations for veggies, flowers, trees, and fruit bushes.  Like usual, my brain has more energy than my body. I should put some pictures of the work thus far.  The side yard looks so different with just one bed. Well, it is 6:42 and need to get out and water everything.   I love you all!

 It is nice morning this morning - cool and moist.  The plants like it a lot.  I have been working on the gardens every morning and afternoon and the plants are doing well.  I really enjoy growing things, it is nice to nurture something, watch nature.  I also can now legally grow that plant behind me :) I have come to realize the cancer is a waiting game.  I know I have mentioned this on numerous occasions, but it really is frustrating.  Do treatment, wait.  Do testing, wait.  It isn't conducive to my personality, but maybe it will help with my patience. Things are going ok with the family, I know that Tiffany is still very stressed and worried.  Not just about me, but her mom and dad, etc...  It is a tough time for her.  She has lost grandparents, etc... but never immediate family.  It will be hard for her when she loses a parent.  I need to figure out how to help there, but I know from experience it isn't easy to deal with.  We always see are parents as the strong adults that

 So it's the last day of chemo this week.  As you can see my face is all flush from the chemo and the steroid.  I'm not sure how many more of these I have to endure, but I am willing to do as many as it takes to be with my family for as long as I can. I have to admit the waiting is the hardest part (more song lyrics for you all).  Get tested - get results - wait days for oncology and surgery to review - rinse repeat.  Do chemo wait a month for any testing, wait for direction.  It's hard for me as I am so used to fixing everything quickly.   The good side is I don't feel any worse than I did in January (maybe even better).  I ate a good 2500 calories of good food yesterday and I wasn't extremely bloated etc...  I have to take the little items as they come. Tiffany still is amazingly stressed, worried, etc...  She is so wonderful and has been patient as well on everything.  This waiting doesn't only bother me, but my family as well.  Every one wants progress and i

  I am wearing the official dead pool short sleeve hoody for summer.  You could have gotten that at Walmart for chicken feed a few years ago.  I'm high fashion like that. Either way, I am now on a path to surgery of some sort.  I won't lie.  I don't want a colostomy bag the rest of my life, I understand I might and I will deal with it, but I don't want it.  Hence the song today, it is too late to turn back now.  The big item is if I want to leave beyond a few years I need that tumor out.  Surgery complications alone that will help with the tumor not constantly feeding the liver with new cancer (or else where).  We have to strike while the iron is hot. Tiffany was better yesterday - still a little depressed, but she was still a little distant.  I know it is hard for her.  It is hard for me. Well, need to get a bike ride in I love you all!

 I have got to do something with Maeve's old gaming chair.  It is like giving myself the bunny ears in every picture. It is the summer solstice today!  Longest day of the year.  It is funny that I take more pleasure in the natural cycles of our world than I do in religious holidays.  Don't get me wrong, I am a big fan of Christmas, but more so what it meant for family, caring, peace, and love than the birth of a savior.  Back to the solstice item, I just take more joy from nature, the change of seasons, the energy I feel from the sun, than holidays of faith. If there is a creator(s), they made the beautiful things that grow around us and we can propagate the beauty, tend it, and nurture it.  We (humans) don't do a very good job of taking care of the creation.  We use it as if it is ours to destroy for profit and power.   Enough of that.  Today is treatment number 8.  The routine is getting somewhat monotonous, but I suppose things could be worse.  I am still feeling as good

 Alright, so I got up really late and it is now 6:15 AM and I need to get busy getting breakfast and ready for work so this will be short.  Maeve posted a nice note about me on Father's day yesterday, it made me cry.  Luckily, I get up before everyone.  Not sure why I didn't mention that yesterday. I continue to be very worried about Tiffany as she seems more depressed everyday.  I am going to try some way to cheer her up. Gotta run. Love you all!

 It's father's day.  I miss my dad.  That is all I have to say about that. I'll be honest that there were times in January when I wasn't feeling well that I couldn't guarantee I would be here today.  I went for my walk this morning around the house.  It is cold only 44 degrees in June so that is a little bit of a chilly morning.  I am looking to see if any of the pictures I took turned out well enough to post here.  Rule 1 - take lots of photos, you will be surprised how nice some turn out when you least expect it. Such a beautiful yard (with my hose and foot tracks through the dew). So I promised to talk about spirituality, but that needs to wait until I have more time.  Suffice to say, being outside, taking deep breaths of fresh air, helping other, hugging my dogs, petting my cats, loving my children, being with my wife - that is my spirituality.  Don't get me wrong, I struggle with the idea of creator regularly, but the tangible world and providing/doing for

I slept until 6:30!  Holy cow! At least I'm not wearing the sweatshirt from the last couple of days.  I have to be quick this morning as I need to get to Lowe's to pick up an order of dirt and concrete.  The fun things I do! I am feeling Ok this morning.  Little pain in the side, but about it.  I will take that!   Yesterday was a nice lazy evening.  Watched some television (Oldman with Jeff Bridges) and then some absolutely horrible movie called Southbound.  It was so bad. I know that I mentioned talking about spirituality and I am saving that for tomorrow (Father's day).  It's not that I don't want to start writing about those things, it is just that I rush this sometimes and if I am going to write something of consequence, I should give it some time. Well - all in all - today is good.  I will write to you all tomorrow. I love you all!

  I am so lucky to have Tiffany by my side.  I know she is worried and scared, but she hides most times.  She is keeping everything going and takes amazing care of me.  I keep trying to find a way to tell her how grateful I am, but I don't really have the words for it.  That is saying something as I am rarely at a loss for words. Either way, I feel pretty good this morning.  My liver still hurts on a daily basis, more of an annoying pain than a severe pain.  There are shots of stabbing pain depending on my position or movement, but for the most part I am able to do what I need to around the house. I impulse bought an 18 year old truck to have around for runs to the dump, hardware store, and the storage unit.  We will take it on its inaugural trip to the dump today or tomorrow to get rid of our old couch.  I suppose we didn't need the headache of another car especially an old one, but we really did need something quite often in the summer to get things from the hardware store. 

  Even though it's raining, I can't complain.  I feel ok, the plants are getting naturally watered (the rain), and my puppies are here with me in the man cave.  Every day is a blessing regardless of the weather. We got a truck yesterday, it is a piece of crap, but it will allow me to get stuff from the hardware store that would cost me $75 every time I have something delivered. We are all on edge as to what the next few months will entail (surgeries, etc...).  I have friends that are willing to help, but Tiffany and I don't like company either.  There is always something to do around the house, something to fix, etc...  I have a new saying that having a house means you'll never have nothing to fix (loving the double negative). On the cancer front, I feel ok.  A little pain in the side still, not moving well (if you know what I mean), but all in all I am still feeling well enough to get to work, ride my exercise bike, work outside, so I will take that.  It has been 3-4 m

  I took this picture after the Sloan meeting yesterday.  I was OK?  They weren't confident on the liver surgery so I am going for an MRI.  However, they agree that the primary tumor needs to come out.  This is good news.  If they were throwing in the towel they would just continue with palliative care so this is some forward progress. I think some of the pain around a cancer diagnosis is that you have to "wait" it isn't like trauma care whereas they try to fix you quickly and you have a long recovery.  It is a slow treatment with many questions and then a long recovery. Tiffany is really tired and depressed.  A lot of this weighs on her, trips to NY, recovery, etc...  I guess I do a lot of things around the house and those items will still need to be done. She has been so strong through this (at least in my direction) and it makes me love her even more (not that I think that is possible, but it seems it is). Well, I am running late this morning and I need to ride the

  I used to think I would want to be young again, right the wrongs, be more focused on the things that would make me successful, but then I really think about it.  I love where I am and the life that I have had.  Everything has happened for a reason in life and I am where I am because that is how it was supposed to be.   If you think about it, all the good things that have happened could be washed away by one decision.  What if I didn't reach out to Tiffany on Classmates, that would be disastrous as she is the best thing in my life along with our children.  I have come to realize that everything you do has some affect on something else.   As I walked through the yard today (my new morning routine now that it is summer) I am just in awe of where Tiffany and I have gotten in life.  Current situation aside, we have had a good ride and will continue to.  From Family Man, which Tiffany will definitely get, "I choose us".  There is no better version, there is only our ability t

Not certain why the Midnight Special is stuck in my head, but I am certain I must of heard it on the deck yesterday.   I should apologize for saying I don't want to write the last few mornings.  I guess I am a little distracted by tomorrow's meeting with Sloan to discuss the next steps in my treatment.  It is funny as I have a DR at Guthrie, but they have never discussed what happens post chemo. I felt pretty good this morning.  The pain in my side was more pressure than pain and I don't feel dizzy when I bend over.  I have taken to going outside and walking the new gardens prior to writing.  I really love the summer mornings.  It's barely 60 out, fog rolling across the field, and birds singing; it is paradise to be out there. I'm enjoying watching the seeds I planted sprout.  I have months to see flowers on them, but it makes me feel like I am tending a fragile life, I guess a little of my own.  The better I take care of the garden, the better I do? Well, I have to

  Once again I really don't feel like typing this morning.  I don't feel like doing much of anything to be honest, as I am pretty numb to pleasure at the moment.  I have been enjoying the gardening or more so building out the garden areas, the side yard is coming along.  I should build something for the grapes today, but I just don't feel like it so I hope they can make a few more days until I get around to it. I suppose the issue is that I spent most of my life in constant need for stimulus.  Always needing a new thing to do (new game, new hobby, etc...).  Being content has never been my strong suit, I've needed that constant "new thing" high to peak my interest, but never really finish anything.  I suppose that is why I am working on the gardens, I want to finish them?  Is a garden ever really finished?  If there is a god, I can't leave until the gardens are finished ;) Just one more plant here, one more bed here... ;)  So I have until Tuesday to find ou

 I need to change the sweatshirt.  The song isn't really there for the theme of Sound of Silence.  It is more so that I was singing it to my cat.  "Hello Speckles my old friend, you're here to sneeze on me again".  So now the song is stuck in my head and the cat didn't even sneeze on me (which is somewhat strange as she sneezes on me every morning - I'm like her cat Kleenex). So treatment 7 is in the books, I feel a little sick this morning.  Going to power through it, get some more work done on the raised beds, do some yard work, etc...  So much to do, so little time (never really realized how true that statement is). Not feeling much like writing this morning.  I will take some pictures of the raised gardens, etc... when they get all their flowers going.   Well - off to get some stuff from Lowe's. I love you all!

  Morning, I am not going to post about the politics of the day or yesterday - in some ways it is more depressing than my cancer diagnosis.  The country has a cancer and it needs surgery - stat! However, I am going to discuss all my plants and gardening items.  It is so nice to start building out more gardening items outside.  I need to get Tiffany more involved, but I really do like the idea of being able to do plants inside and out.  The cats have kept us from doing much of any planting inside and I miss having some greenery.  It will be nice to do the elliptical in a room that has plants turning CO2 into O2.  Also, as I have mentioned before I have been wanting to do the walk to the upper garden through the lilac for sometime.  If I do the perennials right, it will look great every spring.  We will see what I am capable of in my condition.  For instance today, I don't think I'd be doing anything strenuous on that work and it needs some work (like starting it...). I really li

 It has been an ok treatment week without the garbage that is Oxilaplatin.  The drug was beginning to cause issues with my nerve endings so who knows what other internal nerves it was damaging.  Hopefully, the effects start to wear off some as I would like to touch and eat cold things without discomfort. The reason for the waiting is the hardest part is though we got good news about the scans, Sloan is reviewing them and we will not hear next steps until June 14th.  So we have some time until we hear about next steps.  I suppose to some that waiting 5 days to hear next steps isn't too long of a time, but after you have been waiting since Jan for diagnosis which took until February for someone to even say cancer.  Then wait until March to see an Oncologist and finally start some treatment, the weeks seem long.  When you are in this, you want data to help know what we are shooting for.  It gets down to two things, extending live or saving it.  I'm driving for the saving, but if w

 New sweatshirt same picture and I did clean up all the boxes from my behind my left shoulder as you all look at the picture as if you move back a couple days you will see that there was pile of junk there,  Until I get the compost built I will be working on burning it.  It piles up quick when you aren't looking and when you order nearly everything on line.  It will be the worm cover in the compost pins.  I need to draw up their plans so I know the hardware I need and the fencing.  I'll post pictures when I'm done.  One of things I hope to put along this this blog is the amount of things I am doing in treatment to remind me to never say I don't have the time.  I have the time, I always did.  It was my laziness that kept be from doing the big stuff.  And my lack of willingness to pay someone else to do it for me. Well it is late - got stuffs to do. I love you all!

  The Phillips Hue lights really make this room green at times :) The song really has nothing to do with today's post, it was just stuck in my head this morning for some reason. Today starts treatment 7 or 8 scheduled.  They should be taking me off the Oxaliplatin.  This is the drug that cause toxicity in my nervous system.  The one that gives me pins and needles when I type. I really wish there was more I could do for Tiffany.  She is force to take care of her dad all week due to, well, I won't put that her, but let's just say selfishness (not on her part).  She feels an overwhelming burden to take care of me already and on a treatment week that sucks for her.  I will do my part to be self-sufficient this week so I am not so much of a burden to her.  I really can do most things myself. Yesterday, I put in a rain barrel, it is our first and we are hoping it will cover the side yard garden for the season.  It is an experiment in sustainability at our house.  We are starting

 Monday morning...  I love that song from Jimmy Buffett - Pirate looks at 40.  It always makes me smile as it plays on the Old Key West bus all the time when we are in Disney.  Makes me remember all the times we spent together there.  I miss my little girls, the ones that got excited about fireworks or when you made pancakes for breakfast on vacation.   Spent a lot of time in a chair yesterday, but probably overdid on the landscaping on Saturday.  However, I love how the tree and the generator area are coming along.  Like I have said before, the garden and the landscaping will outlast me regardless of whether I succumb to the cancer.  It is just my little way of leaving more.  Kind of like this blog.  In fact, any one of you could take my infoworks mail and keep this alive long after I am gone. I am a little late this morning as I chose to walk around the yard first this morning.  I really love our little spot of land. Well - gotta run to get ready. Love you all!

No morning message as I slept until 8:00 AM!  Hard to believe, but I guess I was tired.  Will write some tomorrow... Love you all!  

 I was thinking of this song in the title of this post as I was checking on my early garden work.  I am waiting on a lot of flower and herb seeds to break the surface (many are and I will post a picture with tomorrow's entry).  I was struck by the fact that most of those will not flower until August.  Gardening from seed is a patient person's work.  It is nice to see them grow, nurture them, and ultimately, in my case, photograph them. The song also has a chorus that kind of talks to me. So I'll continue to continue to pretend My life will never end And flowers never bend with the rainfall I just love Paul Simon's work and with the addition of Art Garfunkel's voice their music is near perfect in my very humble opinion. Feeling ok considering the last couple of days.  I hope I am not coming down with anything as I am a little snotty, but it is that time of the year where my allergies kind of kick my butt.  I think some day's as I get to feeling better during cycl

  I decided to take a walk around the yard why the dogs were out for their morning run around.  I only had to pull out one slug this morning!  Funny, I really love the gardening.  I wish I could just do that all day and that I had studied the craft a bit more (I've got time to do that ;) ).  That is kind of the reason for the title today - I dream a lot lately about the potential of our yard.  I always wanted to do the landscaping work, I just don't remember what was more important.  Work, too tired, drinking, laziness, but I am sure it wasn't the fact that I was too busy with Tiffany and the kids.  I just think back on the time when I was enveloped by work.  It was all I thought about.  The next promotion, more salary, what else I could do to get the attention of the corporation, I really don't understand why I gave them everything I had as I am sure they would have still paid my high salary regardless. Water under the bridge I suppose.  I am looking forward to never n

  I still have a hard time typing June, Hell typing 2022.  When did I become old?   I was thinking about how Tiffany is truly the first woman (other than my mother and sisters) that I have loved (you all get the point).  I thought about her all the time while we were not together.  She was the first and I know she will be the last woman I love.  I really can't believe how much my cancer has changed my outlook on everything.  I really just want to be home with my family, gardening, cleaning, etc...  I don't really care about much else.  I've been trying to game or have fun, but none of that satisfies me.  Like I said yesterday, I am trying to build things that last. Staring at this picture, I realize that I can do the Spock eyebrow really well due to the Bell's Palsy (a whole different story for another time).l Well, I am going to try and stay at work longer today.  Not that I don't want to be home with the family, but I really don't work that much when I am home

  It's June 1st, I really can't believe we are in the 6 month of the year.  It just seems like yesterday I was getting CT Scans showing bad results, but that was January.  I suppose I should be happy to be here with the way everyone treated me at first (the medical folks). Unfortunately, this was a rough weekend.  I took some time off, but my bowels ended up getting the best of me and I was getting sick and nauseas due to it.   Tiffany is not doing well with all this.  I wish I had the magic recipe to make her feel better.  I am trying to be as normal and not-needy as possible.  I know that if the situation was reversed, I would be a basket case.  There is nothing in my life that has never felt so right as being this her.  It doesn't matter what we are doing or where we are, as long as she is near me the world is right.  I suppose she feels the same way and the thought of me not beating this cancer is eating away at her.  It is why I have to beat this cancer.  Not for me, i