Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  Morning is so nice in our neck of the woods, birds singing, fog on a cool summer morning, dogs licking my hand?  Either way, going to finish this post refresh my coffee and sit outside for a little bit before I bike.   I love the outdoors, it's funny because between my allergies and my propensity for sunburn, you'd think that I would avoid the outdoors.  There has always been something about natures ability to regrow that has fascinated me.  Cut down the weed, the plant comes, back.  Pull the weed, throw it in pile of other weeds and such, they come back.  They always come back (not in a Stephen King kind of way).  The seeds spread, the roots spread, and then some of them have the prettiest flowers.   I guess to some extent weeds are like flowers.  The roots and seeds spread, creating little patches of weeds all over.   Well, off to sit outside for a little. I love you all

  Only got 6 hours of sleep last night as I couldn't fall asleep due to a full stomach.  I need to eat dinner at 5 for now on.  This is going to be short as I want to get around and check all the things I planted and make certain that my slug traps are working (damn slimy buggers). Good day for me yesterday, lots of work outside getting the yard squared away.  I wonder if Tiffany realizes I am trying to build something that will outlast me. I love you all - pictures will come when the garden grows.

  I'm a little blah in the picture.  I slept in until 6 - I'll take that.  I did go to bed a little later so I suppose it all works out in the wash.  I am getting really tired of waking up and feeling like I partied too hard the night before.  Tired, dizzy, sick to my stomach - you get the point.  Funny is that it is most likely all the chemo and not much the cancer.  Either way, I am carrying on!   I didn't do much yesterday, I installed Steam Deck OS which is a pretty cool idea, but I will need a better processor to truly take advantage of it.  I did a bunch of VR stuff and gaming to try and keep my mind focused on something.  This week the chemo is hurting badly and trying to stay in the "now" is hard.   Hopefully we can break the routine a bit by being outside today under the gazebo and making some food.  It will be nice to just do something.  I'm so tired of not being myself.  It is depressing and I am trying my best not to be depressed. There is so much

  Sick cat, sick husband, not sure how my wife handles all this.   I can't believe it is almost June.  I think back to March when I was told I would die in 6 months without treatment.  It still scares me.  I am feeling ok this morning.  A little stressed with my 1/2 and 1/2 kitty so ill.  I don't like when the animals are sick. Yesterday was a bit of a wash, I was feeling really good in the AM, but then I ate too much all day and clogged myself up.  Going to be more cognizant of that today.  I am not really in the typing mood this morning.  In fact, I would like to go back to bed but that is somewhat impossible for me.  I've never been able to go back to bed in the morning unless I had a hangover - let's just say that has happened probably too many times in my life. I'd like to say that is one of the good things about not drinking, but I wouldn't know as I have a chemo hangover of sorts every day.   Well, it is late and I need to get things started before I poop

  How is that for a change?  Sitting outside prior to 6 AM with my puppies!!!  I have the outside music going, seeded the bad parts of the lawn before it rains.  Pretty productive AM.  I felt really good when I first got up.  Stomach wasn't sore, head was a little clear, I was almost feeling normal.  Short of my face being on fire that is.  I think that is one of the joys of the long term chemo and the steroid.  However, I will take little annoyances to fight towards a cure. It has seemed like so long since this all started.  Tiffany has the date in Feb memorized, burned into her brain.  I feel so bad for her.  Whereas I will have to suffer with this disease if it comes to that, she has to lose me.  It isn't fair.  She is such a wonderful caring individual and she deserves better than this. It is so nice to be outside, I forget sometimes how much I enjoy the birds, the music (Vivaldi at the moment), and the fresh air.   Here is the view this morning - you can see it is threaten

  I love that Elton John song - always have.  It reminds me of Tiffany though I would never forget her eye color (she's my blue eyed beauty).  I just can't believe how much I love her and how much this has made me realize exactly the love she has for me.  It is too bad it takes something like this to deepen our love. I still am coming to terms with what shrinking tumors mean and I am trying not to get to excited as I have a long way to go, but I will take the progress.  The chemo is really starting to get to me.  Flushed face (as you can see from the picture) makes me feel like I have a sunburn on my face all the time.  My eyes are running like crazy as well.  All in all, I have been lucky with the side effects.  My stubbornness helps. I told another friend yesterday as I feel it was time to spread the news and I have felt guilty not telling anyone other than Jamie.  I just wanted them to understand when we were wearing masks and trying to be normal.  I don't need sympathy,

  Chemo week 6 is underway and I have lots of news. Someone is watching out for us, be it my family wherever they are when they pass.  I know if my father's spirt, soul, energy exists, he would help as well as my brother and sister.  All my family members I would assume.  Why do I say this?  Because all the tumors shrunk and the CEA blood marker has returned to normal and there is no evidence on the CT Scan of other tumors.  All of this means chemo and my life changes are working. I can't express the amount of weight that was lifted off of me.  I know I still have cancer, but I also know that the chemo, while killing me, is also killing it.  I am just stronger. I have done all I could to keep how I feel from this chemo away from Tiffany.  She knows the issues with my bowels and the pain in my side, but doesn't know how dizzy I get or how bad the pain is at times, as well as the exhausting nausea and lack of desire to eat. I think by being strong for her, my girls, my grands

 Today's lyric is from my favorite artist - Otis!  I love this song and it is my go to walking around singing song.  Why go to my happy place?  Well, today I get to find out what the result of my post 5 treatment scan.  I am trying to be as hopeful as possible, but I am scared as shit.  When you are grasping at the edge of a cliff, you are hopeful that someone will come along and help you up.  Today starts treatment 6 of 8 which is never fun.  We live week to week, day to day, but there is very little forward thought and we need information to plan. I have been having a lot more pain in my side as of late and that has been bothering me.  I am still pretty active, working outside, cleaning, and riding my bike.  I get a bit tired by the end of the night, but that may be the fact that I generally get stoned post work.  It doesn't help much with the pain anymore, but makes me not care and hungry which is important because I don't really want to eat in the evening. Tiffany isn&#

  I didn't post yesterday - big woops on my part.  I went outside to have coffee with the dog and then lost track of the day.  We went to brewery with some friends.  It was nice to just be out of the house with people that didn't know I had terminal cancer.  We talked about my old work place got caught up a bit and I had about a pint and 1/2 of beer (flight and one 1/2 pint).  It was nice.  Tiffany was a little frustrated with the drive.  I think she is also on pins and needles about Tuesday, but I will get to that in tomorrow's note. Here I am yesterday when I was working on the yard and the garden.  I cleaned up the herb garden to accommodate some sunflowers and I put solar lights in the lilac arch I have been growing for 10+ years.  I still need to add the bridge and stairs for that arch, but it took me long enough. I really do enjoy gardening.  I wish I had focused on it more.  Something about helping things grow.  I almost said making there, but that's not how it w

  I missed a day.  Just didn't even think about it yesterday.  I slept in until 6:30, sat outside with the dogs for a bit and then got ready to go (more about that later). I don't know why I have the Neil Diamond song stuck in my head.  I really do just wake up with the music in my brain.  I am sure that I either thought of nighttime or thought thank Christ and bam - song came into the head. Yesterday we went to a brewery with my friends, I had about a pint and a half of beer (one was a flight so that was nice to have a few without too much alcohol).  It was really nice to be out and no one knew (except one friend) that I had cancer.  No one asked how I was doing, how treatment was going, etc.  So for a couple hours I was normal?  Or at least people treated me normal. I have been pretty scared lately.  My side is hurting pretty bad lately and I'm not so sure it is my bowels and I think it is my liver. I don't know if it hurts any worse than back in January, but it is de

  And there is a cat.  She is actually in my lap every morning, until she sneezes disgusting items all over my desk, keyboard, wherever her nose is pointing.  She is very sweet, but she is a snotty girl. There is no reason for the music quote.  For some reason it was in my head this morning.  I do feel really good this morning, but I usually do feel better in the AM.  I suppose it is because my body has had all night to slowly digest food as I was pretty bloated when I went to bed.  I over ate yesterday.  Got stoned and everything sounded good.  I should have just not had dinner so that I could snack in the evening, but I suppose eating is better than drinking all night.  I did have one beer (17% alcohol by volume) so that made me pretty loopy.  I am not drinking at all anymore so 1 beer does me in.  Old me would have drank one of those and then 3 8-9% IPAs.  I can't say that this contributed to my situation, but... However, while I was drinking that beer, I cleaned our cars a bit,

  So they didn't read my scan from yesterday morning or they are holding the results until my next meeting with them (which isn't until next week).  I was told they can't hold the results, but I know that the GI doc did so they may be doing that.  I really would like to know the results.   My right side has been hurting quite a bit as of late.  I don't know if it is the liver or gas or a combination of the two.  It is just after 5 treatments I would like to know if something is working and as long as the tumor is in my colon, I am going to feel like something is there and feel sick.  So the only real way to know if this is working is by seeing the results of tests like this.  There haven't been any major changes in my body short of the side affects from chemo so the only thing I can say is that I know that there has been chemo drugs in my body as I can feel their side effects.  Let's hope one of those effects has been reducing the amount of cancer in my body. My

  I have an unhealthy obsession with Ed Sheeran's music.  Maybe it is a red-heads unite thing?   So today is re-scan day.  I am so scared.  It doesn't help that the liver side of my abdomen has been hurting quite a bit the last few days.  I haven't been using any of the ganja to get me hungry and that tends to hide the pain in my abdomen as well.  So without any steroids or recreational drugs I am in a bit of pain.  I did a good job yesterday of blaming it all on my slow moving bowels.  I don't want to worry Tiffany more than she already is.  I haven't had a wake up feeling normal day in a couple weeks.  I suspect the chemo is starting to have a cumulative effect on my body.   Either way, I am hopeful and if anything I don't feel any worse than I did back in January.   When I was told that I only had 6 months without treatment I was pretty scared.  I don't feel like I'm dying.  I suspect no one really does - it's a slow process.  All I know is I am n

  So my daughter left me a note this last night on my desk with a picture of us.  She had heard April Come She Will in her playlist.  I sung that song to her every time I put her to bed.  With my re-scan coming on Wednesday we are all on pins and needles wanting the results.   I know the odds are against me in this mission.  I saw it in the faces of all the doctors, nurses, etc...  I am just not willing to take this lying down.   But back to the note.  It made me cry, of course, made me post the video of me singing the song.  I could do better, that was my first and only take.  I generally can't get through August part even when I'm not sick.  With my daughter's birthday in August, I don't like the die she must part.  However, that isn't what that part is about.   I've always loved that song from the moment I can remember it has been one of my all time favorites.  To say that I am a Simon and Garfunkel fan is quite an understatement. The big item in the note is

Today's lyric has nothing to do with this post, it was stuck in my head this morning for some reason.  Of course it is the Beatles singing it in my head.   I don't have a lot of time this morning as I want to get to work early.  I took some nice pictures yesterday when I was out doing some of the lawn.  I will post a couple since I have them in my mail. I love running around the yard looking for new flowers and buds.  It is just so nice to watch nature come to life every year. Well, this week is going to be long, at least until mid-week.  I dreamt all night long about results to my upcoming scan.  I am terrified and hopeful all at the same time (which I have mentioned already in this blog I think).  Last night was weird though as I take Ambien to sleep and I still can't turn off my brain about this - I suppose that shows how much I am thinking about it.   Well - time to get ready for work. Love you all!  

  I'm actually typing this on my laptop today because I have totally cleaned off my desk for a rearrangement.  Unfortunately, I am exhausted and don't feel like doing anything.  I should be a little better than yesterday as I got a bit of sleep and rested most of the day yesterday.  Sometimes, I just can't find the right food/activity combination to get my ass in gear.  This was one of those weekends. Tiffany still isn't very recovered from surgery, and I worry about her.  She isn't taking very good care of herself, and I don't have the energy or mental faculties to do it all at the moment.  I should just buckle up and start making dinner etc every night, but there are just some days that my body will cooperate with me. I'm going to cut this morning short as I want to get the body moving and see how I feel.  I also got up really late and need to miss the rain for some outside work. I love you all!

  That is not the same picture from yesterday (just the same sweatshirt).  It's 61 degrees outside and my hands are still too cold to stop tingling.  Got Tiffany home yesterday.  I can't believe how much my mortality has made me realize how much I love my family.  I suppose everyone that has the time to think about their lives begins to realize what was important and what wasn't.  You know we talk about the pursuit of wealth as if it is unimportant, but my current condition would bankrupt us if we (Tiffany and I) hadn't worked so hard.  It's a catch-22 really.  I want the hours and hours I gave to work back, but know that I now need the finances it allowed.  Sad really. Either way, though I am terrified with my upcoming re-scan, I am filled with love for my wife and daughters.  I want to think that I am improving with treatment, but it is really hard to say with the side-effects from the chemo worsening.  My side doesn't hurt as much, but I am also taking a laxa

  Yes there is a bunny desk chair behind me (removed from my daughter's room as she got a new chair) and my face is all red.  This is a new gift from my treatment along with a bit of neuropathy in my finger tips.  Makes typing fun - not. So Tiffany had to spend the night in the hospital after her procedure due to some breathing issues.  I get worried that she isn't taking very good care of herself.  I need to start being more active about dinner and such.  I don't really have an appetite most evenings and she historically is more of a dinner eater.  By the time we get to dinner I am so packed up from the day that nothing sounds good.  To be honest if I wasn't stoned most evenings, I wouldn't eat.lk I am running late today as I am taking the day off from work and so I laid in bed a little longer than normal so this will be short.  Lots to get done! Love you all!

  My finger tips are crazy numb this morning.  Not sure if it is the neuropathy or just the cold.  I will try to warm them up to see if that fixes it, but right now it stings to type. Luckily, I have my cup of coffee and a hand warmer to see if I can lower the impact of the sensitive nerves.  I don't remember touching anything particularly cold except for washing my hands after cleaning up the mouse my cats caught/ate.  Not pretty. Tiffany has not been good lately she is really in knots around everything.  And I can get it.  I have reserved myself to the fact that unless I get different news from the mid-treatment scan that I am in the 2-5 year group without liver improvement.  I don't like thinking about it and I know that I am wasting time going to work everyday, but we need the money for the family and treatment.   Honestly, there are times driving to work and working that I forget I have cancer (not so much with the IV hanging on my shoulder, but other items).  Something ab

  So I am running late and exhausted from being up at 2:15 AM with the dogs (lots of animal activity last night).  Once I am up, I have a hard time falling back to sleep so I got back to sleep hard, right about the time my alarm started going off (which I normally do not need). Either way - Treatment 5 started yesterday.  I find I am a lot more sensitive to cold this time and my fingers are getting some neuropathy.  Problem keep that latter one to myself.  You can hide the brain fog so that one I talk about.  I think all this is weighing heavier on Tiffany than I thought.  I shouldn't talk about the non-cure possibility as it seems to upset her.  We have a CT Scan to look for progress next week Wednesday.  I am terrified and excited all at the same time.  I am hopeful and determined that we have shrunk some tumors, but I am also ok with no growth.  It is the latter possibility that scares the shit out of me.   I need to get busy eating breakfast and getting ready as I can't avo

  Yes, I am wearing the same sweatshirt as yesterday, but in my defense I didn't have it on much other than the morning and right before bed as it was warm yesterday!  I do want to conquer the world and make them all learn how to use their computers and then give them all a new religion.  I sometimes hate being the IT guy.  Everyone thinks we have a magic bullet or know how to just immediately fix things.  They don't have an understanding that the combination of complex software and complex hardware can lead to complex problems - especially when you put in an operator that doesn't have a clue how to use it.  I mean seriously it is like taking a person that has driven a tiny Prius their whole lives a giant crane and saying, "you know how to drive a car right?  Basically the same thing". Alright enough bitching about work.  Today starts treatment number 5.  I wish I knew what I am supposed to feel if I am getting better.  Lately, my whole stomach has had pain, but i

  I don't know a lot of songs with Monday in the title, but Come Monday is one of the few where the song theme is that Monday is going to be a good day! It is still too cold in the AM for me to take a laptop outside and do this entry out there.  Might be nice to see a picture background.  I would be able to do the afternoon the last few days, but the mornings it has still been just below freezing out here. Yesterday was mother's day.  It was nice to see my mom and sisters as I think they had a different vision of where I would be with Chemo and treatment.  They were happy to see how healthy I still was.  I still have things from the cancer and the chemo, but for the most part, I can seem extremely normal and that is what I am going for. There is no tumor...  There is no tumor... There is no tumor... The most of the rest of the day yesterday, I was stoned and a little tipsy (I slipped on the alcohol some).  It was nice to spend the day with Tiffany, but felt a little guilty I di

  Every year I run around the yard taking pictures as we mow, and trim, and clean.  The fact is the yard is a beautiful mess and then we try to control its chaos, by chopping down everything to 2.5 inches.  Behind me is the Bradford pear tree that turns into pictures like this: In fact,running around the yard leads to some nice pictures that most would consider weeds: I do enjoy finding the beauty in everything.   And finding the beauty in my condition has been realizing the time I have missed continuing to find the beauty in my very beautiful wife and all the joy in the little things associated with raising my children.  Looking through pictures lately has shown me that I do spend a lot of time looking at the world, but I didn't spend as much time living in it. Well - these pictures are worth the muscle and joint pain I have today from all the yard work.  And the memories I make with the time I have left will be just as beautiful and more than worth the effort. I love you all!

So I have that song stuck in my head - "A fine fine day" by Tony Carey.  It wasn't a particularly good song, but it had an interesting music video.  It was from the era of story telling videos where the video may have had more production than the song.  It was a strange video where it switches between Carey singing in a police interview and Uncle Sonny mob like activity clips.  Either way it is stuck in my head.  I suppose there are worse songs I could have in my head. Yesterday was a good day.  I got a little pain in my stomach, but then I also remembered that I had built the dogs a new outside couch the night before.  That was a lot of bending and lifting than my body is used to.  So I am probably also dealing with some sore abs/back.  All in all, worked, watched TV with Tiffany and had a cookie (Maeve's cookies) so I went to no pain land most of the afternoon.   I think sometimes I shouldn't get stoned most evenings, but it does relax me, makes me hungry, and u

  I don't really feel much like writing this morning.  Not for any real reason other than I am tired.  I did a lot of work last night getting some outside furniture built for the puppies.  I know, an expensive outdoor couch for the dogs?  Yep...  They are babies and I like to make sure they are comfortable.  They do for me, I do for them.  Same concept really goes for my family as well.  When things need to be done around the house, I do it.  It makes me feel good to contribute and doing stuff for my family is how I feel close to them. Well, I got up late and I need to shower so this will be short.  I feel great, looking forward to non-treatment week weekend. I love you all!

  I look like a psychopath in this picture, but I don't take multiple morning selfies.  It is the one and if I look like an escaped mental patient, that is what you get :) I put the Evanescence line in the title because I heard the song in a movie last night and it reminded me that I like that song (most of their songs to be honest).  However, that line kind of speaks to me.  I have become somewhat numb or maybe all the things that used to cause me stress and anxiety just don't seem that important any more. I had a good day yesterday.  Ended up working from home and everything has started to feel better (the joy of late non-treatment week).  I felt good all day and the head seemed much clearer.  I didn't get the feeling like my brain was throwing me out when I tried to think.  It resulted in me doing a lot more work for work and just seemed like I had stepped out of a coma.  I suppose I should get used to that as I have 8 more treatments to go (or minimum 2 as I am confiden

  Woo Hoo! If you know, you know right?   As is the case on non-treatment weeks I am starting to feel a bit normal, but I don't really know what that is anymore.  After the steroid wears off the old aches and pains come back (mostly my back).  So I don't know if the pain in my side and mid-lower back are my liver or just my poor skeletal structure and the muscles that over compensate.  Either way, I feel good other than middle-age BS in the AM. Yesterday was a good day, Tiffany and I sat outside for a bit and it was funny to watch Nala run in a big circle since I opened up the dog's space.  They had the same space in the past, but they couldn't run all the way through it as the dog's kennel blocked the ability to get all the way around.  Taking down part of the kennel (as we don't use it any longer) gave them a lot more room to run non-stop.  I did that Saturday which probably led to why I was so exhausted on Sunday. I haven't biked in a couple of days, just

 Thought it is actually Tuesday AM, I just love the Moody Blues!  Can you believe that it took nearly 3 minutes to just add the picture and type the title.  Why you ask?  Cat, dog, cat, dog... :) I finally am starting to feel a little better post treatment.  Every day past the cycle gets a bit better.  I worry about the brain fog though as it has been getting worse over time.  It is a strange feeling to have your brain tell you to get out. Tiffany seems sad lately.  I wish there was something more I could do.  I try to cover up my symptoms as much as I can so as to not upset her.  I am going to try and be more cheery - problem is that I am not one to be all cheery normally.  Either way, I need to take advantage of non-treatment week. I tried to get a better pic of Squirt nuzzling my face, but he was too crazy this morning.   Got up late and need to get busy. Love you all!

  Totally different view of the man cave and the Save Ferris t-shirt is no lost on me.   So yesterday was kind of a wash - I just didn't feel myself and had little to no energy.  Usually a little hit will get me to the point that I can ignore the nausea in my stomach to get other things done or at least keep me busy so that I dont' get depressed.  That didn't work. I told Tiffany yesterday that I felt like I was on a hamster wheel.  She's on it with me.  Honestly though, isn't all of our lives a hamster wheel as some point.  Get the job, repeat the job for a minimum of 5 days, try to think of something fun to do in between cleaning and finishing the things you put off for five days - then repeat.  I really have look at life from many sides in my life and I really still don't understand so much why we are here.  With that said, I know that I have loved Tiffany and girls more than anything and that I have done everything I could to make their lives better.  I thin

  So it is Sunday...  I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow, but this is a necessary thing.   I was thinking in bed this morning that I haven't been dreaming about the future or even day-dreaming about the future.  I really am just living one day to the next.  I am starting to feel better post treatment again and that is always nice.  I think that bothers me the most about the day to day, three months until we know anything, cancer shit show I have; is that I have no idea if I am getting better or worse.  I am very hopeful and I am not letting the negative in, but not knowing is hard. The other thing I was thinking about in bed this morning and it must have been part of a dream I had, is that about what my potential could have been and where would I be if I had made different path decisions in life.  What was funny is that the minute I thought about that my mind immediately realized that I have fulfilled my potential.  I was thinking that of all the titles, jobs, weal