Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  Last day of November...  The Christmas milestone is right around the corner.  I feel ok today.  I got a decent night's sleep, I am not in pain or feeling light headed (I should as my blood sugar is still elevated from last night), and I feel a little clear headed this morning. Watched the US barely beat Iran yesterday.  I want to say it was a good game, but it was sloppy football at the end and the US was falling apart in the attacking side of the field (bad passing, confusion, no one making play opportunities, etc...).  I'll take the W however.  Now, a dream come true is to watch them move on from the round of 16 :)  A man can dream. I have been playing a lot of Minecraft lately while sitting in front of the TV.  I suppose it isn't too bad of an activity, Tiffany and I are both out there and we are together.  I should be doing something, but I am not really sure.  We need to get the table in the living room cleaned off so that we...

 So I am not so much in the blogging mood today as I was up most of the night cramping.  I need more salt in my diet so looks like today is a SPAM day.   With how I feel right now, I see no issue with me making my milestones of Christmas and Saint Patrick's.  That is a good thing.  I know that sometimes the cancer can move fast, but I don't expect that in my case and also have a lot of hope.  I am trying to think of something I can do this Christmas to make it memorable.  I think I may drive everyone around and look at the Christmas decorations.  I have a old Corning colleague that does her house up crazy so I think I will try there too. I was thinking about taking Tiffany to Walker Metalsmith's, but I've done that.  A quick trip to the diamond district?  That isn't really a family thing though.  I kind of wish Gusty and Wyatt were still in the house, at least, for the Christmas.  I liked it when the girls were younger and...

  Same sweat shirt, different T.  I know you all don't care, but for some unknown reason I would be asking why I am wearing the same sweat shirt so much and the answer would be it isn't dirty as I just sit and play Minecraft, etc...  I am going to finish the giant black rock storage and chronicles building that is by the abandon village and giant John statue.  You can use the water to get to the top of the statue and then you cut through the mountain, through the tree, to the "rope bridge".  There will be an elevator path out, but I haven't even begun to build that.  I was too focused on getting the desert village up before they all disappeared as well, but considering they have 6 iron golems now I think they are ok. I am so scared that I will just all of a sudden take a turn for the worse.  I am positive and trying to do things around the house that benefit the family.  Cleaning, cooking, organizing, and throwing things out.  I need to finis...

  Well the four day weekend has ended :(  I still have today (Sunday) so I guess I have 1 more day. The dog woke me up at 3:39 AM so I suppose I have a good long day.  Probably will play a lot of Minecraft - I'm not gonna lie, I have been doing that in the living room next to Tiffany while we watch whatever we can find on Television.  You know, when I say "TV" I really think of old broadcast television.  I've been nostalgic lately thinking about my family, center street, what things were like for me back then.  I was clueless and that was a good thing.  Imagine burdening a teenager with the stuff you deal with as an adult.  The cluelessness was important at the time. I suppose I need to stop focusing on the mortality side of things.  I just truly don't know how long I have.  It could be months, it could be years.  And one might say, "then get busy doing things" and to that I would have to answer that being here, in the home we built...

  My coffee is cold already and my hands are freezing.  I am not a fan of cold weather.  The song in the title made me think about something.  You can't really dream about a place without having been there.  Here I am in the cold with my Happy UV Light wishing it was a little warmer and I thought about California.  I have lived in couple places in California for short period of times and travelled a lot of the state as well.  I could imagine a nice warm morning in San Diego, I can dream about it.   All that makes me realize I have had some advantages in life, I guess not advantages but rather opportunities.  I have been to every state or at least drove through, several foreign countries, and lived in Hawaii.  It is funny, because I still feel I need to see more of the world.  I want to see the Eiffel Tower in person, walk in Dublin, see the coast of Greece, etc.. etc...  Funny as our mortality stares us in the face we imme...

  Again - song lyrics are stuck in my head.  I had the "they do it all the time" line stuck in my head this morning for some reason. Anyhow, Thanksgiving was great.  I spent the whole day watching Christmas movies with Tiffany and I she made a yummy dinner of turkey, potatoes, and gravy.  I really enjoyed it.  The only thing that would have made it better would have been if Gusty and Wyatt could have been here too.  I suppose not having cancer would have made it better as well ;) I hate to say it, but who knows if I will even be around for the next one.  I wonder at times if that goes through Tiffany's head as well.  I suppose it does.  I think that way about the world cup.  I am not so sure I will be here for the next one, I hope I will and I am positive about my chances for the time being. Today we are going to watch the US play England in group play.  I am so hopeful that we could pull out a win.  What a wonderful thing it w...

  Happy thanksgiving!  Not really one of my milestones (personally made), my birthday was, Christmas is, and then St. Patrick's.  I Don't know what I will set after St. Patrick's probably the ability to get the garden going in the spring and build some of the raised beds on the side of the yard.  Then my birthday again and repeat. I take some solace in the fact that my liver is still functioning normal and my tumors have shrunk a little since August.  The slow process is painful and I hate waiting for results. Treatment and wait, treatment and wait. I feel good most of them time (minus the chemo and steroids), but not like my old self.  I suppose I am becoming accustomed to the new level of energy (lower than before) and the cloudiness that hits my brain during chemo and steroids.   I suppose I am very lucky compared to some others and I appreciate that.  I suppose that years of training my body to ignore pain and discomfort (sports, marine c...

  Last day of three in NJ for treatment, scan, and DR meetings took place Mon-Tues and leaving today.  Things went ok a there was no new cancer that they saw.  Liver tumors have reduced slightly since August so I am moving in the right direction.  I read some stories about people's liver tumors just going way with chemo and thought I would like to see that it is probably a surgery in my future if they shrink better. The whole cancer thing freaks me out and I have come to terms that I may not escape this thing.   The trip was good, Tiffany was mad yesterday as I was picking on her driving/parking.  I should do these things but my smart ass mind can't help it. I don't feel like writing this morning.  Little loopy from the steroid and chemo.   I love you all!

  It really is a different day, just same sweatshirt and beanie.   Today is World Cup start day!  Very exciting.  I hate to say it, but I wonder if I will be around for the next one.  Let's not talk about that.   It was also bag change day. We will be off to NJ tomorrow early (7 AM) so that we can get there in time for a last minute MRI the surgeon wanted.  I can guarantee he is going to want me to do chemo for one more cycle (3 months) and then scan again and re-evaluate.  It is a bit of a double-edged sword with me, because I want those tumors out of me, but I also don't want to go through surgery and recovery with them not being able to do anything. At the moment, I feel pretty good.  I am still getting used to being active with the ostomy.  It feels weird and you always know it is there, it isn't like you ever forget about it. I was thinking this morning that there are a lot of things you learn about yourself when you are s...

  We are spirits in the material world...  I did not enjoy going to work this week.  I really don't like people.  I am not certain how long I have had this disdain for others, but it didn't start in the pandemic.  I honestly just prefer to be alone except for my family.  This is such a nature vs nurture thing.  Is it long times alone as a child that made me comfortable with long periods of isolation from others?  Who knows... either way I would prefer not to talk to my co-workers at all or most anyone other than my immediate family. I have been getting somewhat paranoid about what my prognosis is.  I suppose I am not so stupid to read all the stats, others experiences, and current suffers blogs, to know that most likely next year (6 months) things could turn to the bad.  People with my condition get 2-5 years.  They had some lower numbers in the most recent stats, but those are outliers and most likely the very elderly.  I am c...

 I will be honest, I don't feel like typing this morning.  No so much anything to do with the cancer, but more so the last day of the first week back to work, dogs think that I am going to give them treats all the time in the morning for some reason so they harass me constantly.  I mean what are they thinking, I can't reward that naughty behavior so they aren't going to get a treat at all.  Horrible puppy catch 22... Either way, other than being tired and having some lightheaded issues I have felt pretty good.  I am quite confident that my night cramping issue is dehydration and lack of nutrients (calcium, magnesium, potassium) so I have started to supplement them and last night I had one cramp on the bottom of my foot only so that is improvement. Off to make some breakfast... Love you all!

  So it is only Thursday.  I have worked all of 2 days in the office and I don't want to be there anymore.  It isn't that I don't like working as I just did the dishes at 4:00 AM in the morning.  It is more that I am tired of not doing for me.  Don't get me wrong, I like doing things for others, but work, in my case, is doing things for a small group of people so that they can be wealthy.  I feel like that I have been working so that someone else can live better than me my whole life.  I suppose that people that worked for me at Corning felt the same way about me.  I can't say for sure on that one.  I tried to lead by example and work harder than anyone that worked for me.  I suppose in the long run there is always someone that is jealous of your success or station in life.  However, the myth that you can just "work hard" and you will be there to is false.  Luckily, I have been in the right place at the right time to get some a...

  Same sweatshirt different day :)  I was up at 3AM as my bag was full and then "the dog" barked so I slept on the recliner from 3:30 to 5:30.  I don't sleep great in that chair, but I sleep.   Speaking of the bag, it was a good thing I was wearing my stronger belt and support or I would have definitely had blowout #3.  There was a ton of gas and liquid.  It would have made a huge mess. I hate that I have to get up 2-3 times a night as I am scared or another major leak, but I guess the better belt system should give me some security and ability to sleep. It is really cold this morning in the back room.  It isn't as cold outside as it has been as it is 34 degrees which is warm in comparison to a couple other mornings.  However, this is good as it snowed yesterday so this mean the wintery mix will be nearly all rain - I will take that as much as I hate cold weather rain.  Let's face it, lately I just hate being cold. My family wants to g...

 Well, I am going back in the office today and it feels a bit like the twilight zone.  I wish I was going back healed or in remission, but just going back capable.  Why you ask, one, I need health care coverage and the money.  Two, if we do go on a vacation, I don't want people judging us for doing something in public, but I can't come to work?  I complain about those things when it is other people.  Lastly, it makes me feel normal. (As I can right now). Ok, so I have to go get ready.  Sorry for the short message, but it was bag change day so I am already behind.   New bag, back to work, it's an all new day! I love you all!

  I know, title...  I am listening to the Stranger Things 4 soundtrack on LP (for you young ones, those are those big black CDs, and for the really young ones, fuck I'm old).  I really like the stereo and wish I had a bit more time to enjoy it, but I guess that makes the time I do a little bit better. [Insider note:  This post has been interrupted 6 times.  Yes, those few sentences.  Dogs...  They can be so helpful]  I think the draw is connecting me to a time when I was younger.  The music is clearer if the album is good quality.  A lot of the "only at this store" records I have been getting seem to be a bit washed out and lack that clear wall of sound you expect from an analog record. Tiffany and ran around a lot this weekend.  It was nice to spend time with her even if it was just shopping and taking the car to get the tires swapped.  Oh, and did I time that to the last minute! I kind of spent a good 2+ hours in my room tod...

 So must reiterate that the title of the blog has no connection to the content.  It is whatever song pops into my head first.  Not sure where Tears of a Clown came from, but it was the first song I thought of when I thought of a title.  Strange as I was listening to Peter, Paul, and Mary. We ran all over the place yesterday.  I know that most would think errands are boring and annoying, but for me it was actually a good normal activity.  I even went to The Walmart in the early AM.  All of that makes me feel like the pre-cancer days.  Later, I tried my hand at air fryer chicken wings.  The flavor was good, there wasn't enough crisp to the wing, especially not for Tiffany.  However, it was still chicken wings and they were yummy.  I did a lot of cooking and cleaning for the meal and again, most would complain, but I am doing normal things and it is nice to do stuff for the family.  Hell, even Maeve came out and ate some with us. ...

 I know I haven't changed my shirt - I am a bum like that.  Some mornings, I just need the UV Happy Light.  Nala had me up at 1:00 AM because there is something under the addition.  It was pouring so of course she wouldn't go out.  I slept on the recliner to try to keep her chill so Tiffany could get some sleep.  Went back to bed at 4:00 and took forever to get to sleep and then Bear barked at 5 :( so I'm up... I love this Moka Pot coffee (just had to throw that in there, it isn't quite at the cheese fry level, but good). I often wonder where my refined tastes came from.  In the nurture vs. nature argument, I think that something like refined tastes is a nature thing.  My traveling and friends, influenced a lot of my tastes or more so, my desire to try different things.  I am not sure if I had stayed in Horseheads my whole life that I would have developed the knowledge or desire to try different things.  I did not have much of a refined ...

 I am having one of those monrings!  It's 5 AM and time to get my gumption going!  Fucking bag leaked again overnight and I have another mess to clean up.  Had to wake Tiffany at 3:30 AM, we have her endoscopy today, etc... etc...  This is the second day in a row that I this has happened.  Tiffany is a trooper about it, but it is starting to get at me, so instead of sad, I have decided to get mad.  I need to not let this actual shit continue to drive me into depression - I AM STRONGER THAN THAT! So sitting in the UV Happy Light adjusting this attitude.  I need to be strong for my family.  I have to show them that I can fight this and that I will be here as long as I can for them.  I am not sure if it was just me that I would be so interested in longevity and fighting.  Ultimately, we all fight death alone, but how hard we fight, how long, that is for our loved ones.  I promised when this all started that I would not stop fighti...

 Well, I had my first overnight bag leak.  It is so embarrassing it's like I am a little kid shitting the bed.  I know that it isn't, but all of the shit combined with that literal shit is just too much for me at times. I am pretty relaxed now, but I did get stoned while burping the weed. I tried some late harvest frost bud - it seems pretty good.  I know I shouldn't get stoned in the morning before work, but you know what?  Next week I am going back to the office and there will be no getting stoned in the AM, etc.. as upsetting as that is.  I have grown accustomed to turning off the brain wandering and just focusing on one thing and unfortunately sometimes that one thing is work. I ate way too much sugar yesterday, but the weed and the steroid make me so hungry!  I haven't gained a lot of weight so I suppose that is good, but I need to start eating better.  I was doing so well for a while and then it just fell apart and I am back on cheese and me...

  Leaving for home today from NJ.  Blood tests, scans, all coming back with good news.  Blood work is normal and the CEA test has not changed from 1.8.  Scans show shrinking tumors, but not aggressively.  I will take them decreasing all the same.  There is a lymph node item on there, but can't tell if it is good or bad.  All in all this was a trip for chemo with good news, but we are right back in the waiting game.  I have a meeting with the Onc on Thursday and I am hoping he paints as good a picture as it seems (well as good as it can be). Tiffany has been great, I know she doesn't like making the drive out here, but she does so well of usually concealing her disdain for the trip.  She is so amazing being with me all time and helping.  Now if I could just get Maeve to bring in some random box of fire logs off the porch. :) Not certain what I will doing with all these good results.  I suppose they are good due (not just the chemo) t...

 So sitting in the hotel room in NJ.  It is treatment and scan day.  They scheduled the scan review on Thursday the 10th so not a long time to wait to get results.  I am kind of freaking out, but I am hoping that the feeling good is an indication that I am responding well to treatment, but the steroid in the pump could be just enough to mask any real feelings of pain as my trigger finger is still feeling fine without any arthritis medication. I told Tiffany in her daily email that I probably should stop freaking out about this scan as all of this is beyond my control.  I am basically on a cancer roller coaster and there is no getting off until the ride comes to an end. Well, don't feel like writing much today.  I love you all!

 Well it is off to NJ today for treatment (not quite Brooklyn, but miles wise, it's close.  I am getting really nervous about the scans.  I am hopeful that things have improved based on how I feel, but I am stoned a lot.  The right quadrant pain has gone away since they gave me the bile duct pill.  It could also have been the steroids - who knows.  I am hoping to maintain my liver function, be able to get treatment, and see a reduction in tumor load and no new growths!  That's the scary part.  Did they get everything but the liver, etc... I can't focus in too much on that as it will drive me batty.   I had a good weekend, pretty lazy, I cooked some good fish in the air fryer and made some spicy coleslaw.  It all was pretty yummy.  The air fryer fish was crisp and wasn't greasy at all.  Of course it lacked that "deep fried" flavor, but it tasted fresh.  Considering the fish was a year old from the freezer I will say it...

  So I don't have a lot of time today, I still need to burp the weed and I have to get to Wally World before the crowds start.  I don't appreciate that place passed 7 AM. Either way things are going OK.  I feel great physically minus all the body changes from surgery.  I keep getting cramps all night long in my calves which is a pain in the ass, but I am going to start supplementing to help with that.  All in all, the cancer is really bothering me as much as all the other things.  Pump in my abdomen, ostomy bag, chemo and steroid fogs, feeling like I need to defecate all the time, urinary issue, etc...  Who knows whether I would feel the cancer or have any of these side effects without surgery or chemo.  Then again, without surgery and chemo I would be on a fast track to the my grave.  I would probably be feeling the cancer then as I was prior to treatment (lots of pain and bowel issues).  So I suppose the longevity is a trade-off for th...

  I feel great today and I am not stoned yet :) I know that this is short-lived until I get to chemo again on Tuesday, but I will take these days when I have them.  I am full of energy and want to get things done.  I haven't felt this good in a long time (since before surgery).   I am so nervous about the scans I have coming on Tuesday.  They are the first scans that I have had since early August and as hopeful as I am; I am also terribly scared.  When they did surgery, they found a larger burden of tumors on the liver than the scans showed (terrifying) so I am hoping they at least see a reduction in tumors that were there in the last scan. Yesterday we sat outside and did a teleconference with my beer club.  It was great and we laughed in the sun and for a bit we felt normal.  With my blood tests starting to show normal red blood cell items I think I want to start getting out.  Maybe early on Sundays (brunch) at less popular locations t...

Friday!  My first whole work week since surgery!  I did a lot of work this week in relation to what I was doing.  I told HR I may be in for half days in the office starting in a couple of weeks.  It is a mixed bag as I will miss not being home with Tiffany and Maeve, but it will add some normality to my days and make me feel like I am just one of the employees and not the guy with terminal cancer. I actually drove myself to the doctor yesterday!  I was out of the house alone for about 2 hours.  Believe it or not, it was a little scary and weird.  I hadn't really driven in 2 months and I haven't been alone outside the house in public in just as long (maybe longer).  Either way, it shows that I am feeling a little better and can start doing things again.  Not moving mountains, but it is a start. Speaking of doing stuff.  I talk about the yield from our plants not that it is legal to grow in NY (3 mature plants per adult).  This is 5 p...

  Like I mentioned yesterday, I am pretty sure I will make the Christmas milestone.  My stomach (abdomen is more appropriate) is still spotty painful and yesterday the entire incision scar was purple and sore (I was a bit bloated from something).  I need to make sure I don't over eat now that I am back at it and cause my stomach to get much bigger as the surgery doesn't seem to like it.  So either way every pain and ache makes me think there is a tumor or an issue/infection from surgery.  I really do hate the feeling of - is this the down turn...  I have to adjust my attitude :) I woke up at 3:30 AM due to right calf cramps and just can't sleep.  Luckily, when we fall back my 3:30 AM will be 4:30 AM again.  I am ok with getting up at 4:30 AM.  I get a lot done in the early hours of the morning and it is good doggies and daddy time.  Well, it's quiet doggies and daddy time.  The lure of the warm fireplace is too much for those sleepy...

  I think every adult somewhat connects to Cats in the Cradle's lyrics.  I spent a lot of time over the last 11 or so years working.  Working hard, putting it before other things, etc...  I mean I think about the BBQs etc..., but work invaded my every thought.  Honestly, I worked out on the deck drinking beer with Tiffany at night (Tiffany wasn't drinking beer, she was drinking wine :) ).  However, I worked, I always worked.   I somewhat hate myself for it, but I suppose it is what allowed Tiffany and I to do the stuff for the kids and ourselves that we have (honestly, she worked as hard as I did).   It is a funny little world they capture you in here in America.   You must have these things in order to be happy You need money for those things To make money you must work  To get those things you have to work hard Working hard will be rewarded No harder will be rewarded No just a little harder and so on, and so on I shouldn...

  November 1st!  I feel like making my next milestone (Christmas) is going to happen.  After that, it is actually St. Patrick's Day.  I will finally have a drink on that day - maybe 2 damn it!  I know that the milestone thing seems morbid, but really it is a way to get me excited about upcoming items.   I told Tiffany in her morning note that I felt like I had everyone trapped in my cancer bubble with me.  I know that we don't go out of the house much anyway, but I just feel like I have captured them all and they are just stuck in here with me.  I may suggest that we join society again if my next blood tests come back as well as the last.  We can still mask up, etc...  but I think it is time.  I may even suggest that we make the Welliver Christmas Party.  Maybe the trying to act normal will help with my not focusing on cancer. Speaking of going out in public, I finally posted the fact that I have cancer on Facebook.  ...