Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 So no picture today as I'm "In the Dark" (see first song line and I know they usually have nothing to do with the post) at the moment. Here we are in NJ again.  It snowed a lot last night (at least for our trip home).  I'm going to try and convince Tiffany to get on our way - I like to be home. I haven't felt well lately.  Not sure if it is the new meds or just nerves, but my stomach is bloated constantly.  It really is quite annoying.  Everything I eat or drink causes me to bloat to a very uncomfortable level.  I suppose I should just ignore it, but anymore every time my body does something, I think the cancer has spread or I assume some other horrifying disease because lord knows I'm paranoid now. I am really tired of all this and I need a break.  I suppose that I can take a break during surgery recovery.  Not that it is really a break, but I guess the end of disability I start to feel like I have the energy to do stuff.   I really need a vacation - when I

 Well tomorrow is my last pump maintenance prior to surgery.  It is strange to think that all these things that have been in my body (I guess out when you think of the stoma) could all be reversed/removed in just a couple weeks. I just have to say that I am going to beat cancer, I really am going to beat cancer.  When we get through this surgery and no matter the outcome of all the work, I am going to keep fighting all this motherfucking bullshit cancer in my body. I suppose I should go take my meds. I love you all!

It's 3:43 AM and I couldn't sleep.  I am stoned now so I will sleep pretty damn good in a bit.  I hate that I have to dull my brain to fall asleep.  I wish my brain's activity was associated with organized thought and well planned out approaches to doing the things in the house I want to.  Unfortunately, my brain is focused on cleaning the same things over and over making no progress on my plan.  I should run to Loew's and get the tubing I need for the HDMI cable.  This is to replace the one the dogs ate.  Such good puppies. I am pretty stoned at the moment.  This will help me fall asleep as soon as I am done with this entry.  I am in the living room (you can tell from the picture) laying in the recliner.  The furniture has grown on me.  Hell, I was falling asleep write there.  I was going to try and keep typing well into my falling asleep to see if I could babble out anything interesting.  I am so stoned that the blog post looks like I am typing on a piece of paper in

 Today was bag change day.  These next few weeks may be the last times we have to do the bag change.  That would be nice.  One less thing to worry about. I don't really feel like writing today.  Like I said yesterday (I think), I am in some doldrums and I am in waiting mode again.  It is hard not to think about the upcoming surgery or what comes next.  Reading the stories of others I get a little scared.  Many have had my journey they had their ups when they thought they had won, but a year or two later the fucking cancer comes sneaking back in.  I guess that is why Saltz never waivers on his cautious stance. I have to think that I will win this battle.  I have to. Well, I need some food. I love you all!

  The angle of that camera makes me look chubby.  I suppose I am still a bit chubby, but not much.  I am in such a rut of blah it isn't funny.  I guess I am so stressed and nervous about the surgery and all the travel to and from NYC that it is eating away at me.  I try not to think about it directly all the time, but I think it is there eating away at me. I know that someday I have to die.  It is inevitable.  Though it doesn't have to be before I am 60 or even 70.  I would like to be around a bit longer for my girls.  This is why I need to adjust this attitude.  There is no reason for "whoa is me" and I need to get out of this depression.  It is hard at times as there is so much I want to do here at home, but I have work all week (or pretend to work).   I am going to try to have some fun on Saturday.  I am going to charge up the VR devices and we are going to bowl or golf - both?  I need to do something that is fun and distracts me from the doldrums.  I tried to find

It isn't that cold this morning (33ish outside), but I am cold.  My fingers specifically.  I am starting to get pretty stressed out about surgery and what they will find.  I think the entire thing is starting to get into all aspects of my life.  I don't want to just hide for 2 weeks, but I am really not sure what I am supposed to do.   I pretty much hate my job.  I am not totally sure why which is probably why I should give it until after I have returned from disability recovery to make any specific decisions.  My problem is I don't really know what I want to do.  Sometimes I like working on the technology items, but other times I really don't.  I don't think anyone will pay you to stare at a wall or desk.  Maybe they'll pay me to search my brain trying to think of that one word that has just escaped me for 5 minutes.  I love the chemo brain.  I really do have to force myself to start doing things that require my to think so that I force my brain back into shape

So I told Tiffany this morning (via daily email) that all I can think of is the upcoming surgery.  It isn't like I dwell on it, but it does seem to invade my thoughts as I roll through the day.  I have very little motivation to do anything that requires thought - I would prefer just to do some physical items, tire out my body, and move on.  I suppose that helps get the endorphins running and it mellows my brain.  I have always liked a nice hard days work - sometimes difficult to get me motivated, I have a hard time stopping until I am physically exhausted. I have all but decided that if I get through this cancer I am going to find some work that stimulates me, at least until retirement and then I may just sub or volunteer.  Tiffany brought up teaching the other day and I would enjoy that, but the salary is no where near the point I would need to support the family, but wouldn't it be nice to work with another generation of children and get my summers off (I have never been one

  My picture makes me seem not impressed, I am pretty ok with the day thus far.  I don't feel like I am getting enough sleep, but that may be because Nala keeps barking at 3:30 AM.  I suppose she is doing it because I get up at 3:00 AM like clockwork to dump the bag and use the loo.   Things are going ok.  A lot of the time I am dizzy and lightheaded.  I don't know if it is chemo brain trying to keep me from thinking or if one of the many drugs I am taking is responsible for it.  Hell, maybe my blood pressure is going to low, who knows.   I know that I currently dislike my job, my heart just isn't in it (I know I have mentioned this before).  I also don't know what I really want to do if I didn't do what I am doing.  Tiffany mentioned teaching and I would love that, but there just isn't enough money in it - not with what the girls need and the bills we have racked up.  It would be different if we sliding into retirement without all this cancer shit. I got up lat

  I only have 3 minutes to type up a post today so here we go.  It was bag change day - Tiffany is awesome.  I have to go into work this week and I really dislike working there - so do you look for a new job when you have cancer?  It doesn't seem like the right thing to do (upsetting medical insurance, salary, etc...).  Any how, I don't like it. I am in a bit of a rut so I need to get out of it. Gotta run Love you all!

When I first opened the camera today I was shocked a little about how old I looked and how I looked a bit like Popo - I guess I am Popo (number 2) now.  I suppose I should start living up to that. I had a dream last night that I was older, sitting out here in my cave, sniffling and Tiffany brought me a tissue/Kleenex.  It was nice to dream as I don't very often and even nicer to dream about being older.  I don't even think that much about being older any more, I think about tomorrow sometimes (the next day, not like the theoretical tomorrow) and I think about today, but mostly, I think about nothing.  I let the politics of the day bother me too much and spend my time on trivial pursuits a lot: cleaning the kitchen, making food for the week, and shit like that.  I suppose that keeps me from thinking about the cancer as it does distract me. I miss having passions about things.  I am slowly (and I mean slowly) trying to get myself back into the indoor gardening, but surgery is goi

  It is 5:01 AM on a Saturday.  I'm stoned, listening to swing music, and sitting in the dark with only the light of my hue bulbs in the preset Artic Aurora (hence the green/blue hue behind me).  There is so much I want to do with this room and I should just get started, but I keep letting malaise get in my way.  I suppose there are times I am just having a little pity party for myself and I don't want to do anything. I mean don't get me wrong, I do the dishes and clean the kitchen, but that is about it.  I stare at my computer screen for hours really doing nothing there as well.  I don't want to be on autopilot until surgery, but it is hard not to.   I kind of hate that I can't really game any more.  I was able to do some Minecraft there for a while, but I can't even seem to focus on that.  I suppose I should just start gaming, cleaning, making, and then see if my attitude changes.  It really is my choice of how I approach the day.  I was just thinking yesterda

Yes, I usually wear the same sweatshirt for a couple days :) I am starting to get a little nervous (well, not starting, but showing) about the surgery.  I can't believe that in a month I may no longer have a hockey puck under my skin on the left side, no shit bag on the right, and possibly no cancer in my liver - my God...   I have been gaining a lot of weight lately which is strange as I was really light the last time I was weighed at the Montvale office.  According to our scale, I am up to 202 which is a little heavy.  My ostomy wraps are getting tight and uncomfortable, but to be honest, I really feel like I have to poop and if I could just do that I would feel better.  God the bloating feeling scares the shit out of me that colon cancer has returned.  I am not certain if  you would get bloated when you don't have food going through your colon, but who knows.  I suppose I have just been over-eating with 1st and 2nd breakfast.  I will try just eating a little bit this morning

  I have been thinking a lot about the fact that the upcoming surgery could mean no cancer any longer.  I am trying not to get my hopes up, but my hopes have been the things that keep me going.  I've gone into every test know what the outcome could be and always hoping for the best.  Demanding the best I guess.  Other than the initial cancer diagnosis tests (which I was in a trance during), I have gone into every scan, test, etc... with the attitude that I  was getting better.  I will keep that attitude. I have just one day less than a month until that surgery.  It is really starting to weigh on me.  I know Tiffany is struggling with it as well.  A lot hangs on this surgery. I need to take off a little weight.  I have been gaining lately (which I guess isn't the worse sign as I am not having massive weight loss).  I am going to try and eat lighter today as the heavy eating has been causing me to get bloating at night.  I also have gained like 5 pounds directly on my belly. As 

  I thought I would share a stare at the UV Happy Light.  It is supposed to be 62 sunny and breezy (boo) today so I suspect I will be outside for some of it.  It feels so good.  I definitely suffer from season depression. So yesterday Tiffany and I realized due to statements from the oncologist that yesterday's chemo could be the last chemo treatment.  They may be able to get the liver cleaned out and I do not believe they feel there is cancer any where else in my body.  I am trying not be too ecstatic about it or overly terrified that the liver will not be addressable when they get in there.  I would take the two surgery path if necessary, but getting it all in one would be amazing.  With the pump, ileostomy, and all cancer gone, I could get myself back on a road to normalcy.  I will have lots of recovery, they are reconnecting things, disconnecting things and moving stuff around in my insides.  I think by late summer I will be back to my normal self to some extent. I really can&#

 Yes, I am cold so I have a blanket around me.  I actually have this heated throw over my head as I didn't bring a beanie and it is cold next to the AC in the room.  As you can/can't see we are in NJ again.  This is the last chemo before surgery.  I can't believe that I have 2 weeks of chemo recovery, 2 weeks of no chemo, and then surgery.  It is closer than I think. I am so nervous that they won't get it all or that I will have to have 2 surgeries.  I suppose I will deal with what life throws at me, but I sure would like to just have the one surgery and get it all.  I really hope that the small tumors disappeared, etc...  It is something to hope for. I guess we will only know once they are in there.  I think sometimes I get even more nervous of concerned about Tiffany haven't to spend so much time in NYC by herself.  I mean she comes to visit me, but other than that she is alone.  I worry about her.  I think NYC is safe, I worry about her having to burden all these

 So kind of nostalgic today.  I get looking through the old pictures and see things like this: The look happy - It is all I ever wanted for them.  Sure, I want them to reach the potential that they want and push themselves to understand what they are capable of, but ultimately being happy and truly content (how I am with Tiffany in our house at this time - took me a while to realize this) is all you really need.  There is all that work and money crap, just don't let it get in the way. Well, time to make some breakfast, got to pack up for the trip to NJ I love you all

So I've been up for a while (since 2:20 AM).  Sitting in the man cave and listening to the Kids are Alright During Magic Bus I remember how I used to listen to that song on the way to Tiffany's house on the Chemung County Transit Bus.  It was my Magic Bus that got me to her.  I was so in love with her, in lust for her, and just absolutely entranced. She loved The Who and I listened to this album (on cassette) all the time because it made me think of her. You wouldn't know it, but this little bit of blog up to this point took me 10 minutes to write.  Not that I have a stream of consciousness block, but because I need to let the dogs out and in every 2 minutes because BARK... Yesterday was a strange blur.  I ate a lot is all I can say.  I did get Minecraft over to a new virtual server as the old CentOS 7 server was no longer security upgrade capable.  So there is that.  Tiffany ran around a lot (pick up Maeve, food, etc...).  She (Tiffany) is just amazing and so is Maeve, she

 Got a new computer camera (Maeve took the other one remember?).  I just replaced it with the same one so now I can just take the pictures from the computer camera. I'm not really in the mood for blogging this morning.  Tiffany and I went to the new Upstate location and had a beer with Jim and Alan.  Jamie went to the wrong Upstate location - it was kind of funny, but I missed having him there. I am getting more and more nervous about the upcoming surgery; not so much afraid of the recovery and complications, but more "can they get all the cancer".  I am so hopeful and I want to be here for everyone for a lot longer. Ok, I am going to get going as I don't feel like sitting at the desk right now. I love you all!

 Woke up at 4:30 AM (well got up a lot last night, but we'll get to that).  I got fluids yesterday (2 liters) and I felt pretty damn good the rest of the night.  I got up a lot to use the bathroom, but I actually peed!  The frustration I have with the dehydration is nerve racking.   Enough about my urinary habits.  I am going to actually leave the house today and go someplace public.  Not only that, I am going to have a beer or two.  Most likely after that I won't have another drink until 6 months after surgery.  I made it the last 6 months since the first surgery with only a few drinks.  I know I had a shot of whiskey or three on the holidays.  One with dad, a couple in Irish coffee on the holidays, and a one sneak of actual gin in my gin and tonic (it was so good).  So all in all, I would say that in 6 months I have had 7 drinks - so a little more that 1 per month.  I think that is pretty good.  How do I not drink when I love alcohol so much?  Weed.  That's right, I get s

This sweatshirt used to be tight on my chest and belly (back when I was 260+ pounds).  Now, I am swimming in it.  I decided to take a picture in a different direction.  I accidentally did the profile setting so I don't have a clear picture of Groot.  I will take one of him tomorrow AM (don't feel like it right now).  We have a date!  Probably should have started with that.  As it stands, I will be having surgery on March 15th.  The liver surgeon thinks he can get it all in one surgery, but warned it could be two.  Either way, if my CEA score and the confidence of my oncologist that the liver is the last bastion of cancer is correct, I could be looking at no cancer by the end of the year.  I have so much hope, but I am also terrified.  I remember going into the August surgery thinking we would have progress on the liver cancer only to find when I woke up that they did nothing with the liver.  So as much as I know I will have another long recovery, I will cling to the hope that I

  Was up at 3:30 AM this morning, not sure why.  I was told yesterday that they are going for liver surgery number 2 at the end of the month.  They may be able to get the tumors in one surgery, but did say it may take two.  I am hopeful it will be one.  I can't imagine what it might be like to say that I have no detectable cancer in my body.  Even though it has only been a year (I know many battle cancer and tumors for years and years), but it feels like it has been forever.  I will write more about surgery once I have a date and data - I am certain it will invade every thought moving forward. Cancer invades everything, you, your thoughts, your family, their thoughts and on and on.  You never forget you have cancer, there is always something to remind you.  In my case, it is the hockey puck in my left abdomen, the ileostomy bag hanging on my side, and the chemo brain.  With all that, I know that I have been able to weather this storm far better than others and that there are some t

  So I thought I would get a picture of the puppies this morning as well, so don't be bothered by the bad angle that makes me look like a bald giant insane ball man (I kind of look like someone Tiffany and I pick on for staring at the camera - maybe I should edit the picture to make me look like I have the best plastic skin). But you can see the two of them in front of the fire place.  This is us pretty much every morning unless it is warm and they then want in and out every 5 minutes which keeps me from writing anything coherent on this blog.  Honestly, most days it takes me 3 dog trips in and out to finish.  I suppose if I started with some idea of what I was going to write about that would be helpful :) You never know how I am going to feel about writing or what to write about from day to day.  I am trying pretty hard to stay in the moment.  Not think about 2 months from now, etc...  It is hard when all the goal posts of treatment move - "will we do surgery now", "

 Well, it is Monday again.  The picture above makes me look like I have boobs.  I really don't anymore, I have shrunk a lot.  I am not sure why I had the Carpenters "Goodbye to Love" stuck in my head.  I did listen to the greatest hits album this weekend. Today was bag changed day - Tiffany's dreaded get up in the morning work.  I hate that she is so grumpy during it.  I know I get grumpy a lot, but I fear sometimes that all this taking care of me is making her resent me.  I try my best to be self-sufficient.  I suppose I could just change the bag and not wake her up, but we both know it is easier for her to do it than me in the mirror doing it.  Probably less messy too.  I suppose I could stand in the shower and get it done in case I drip.  Either way, I am worried that I am a burden and she is tired of it. I keep trying to think of how we get away for a little alone time, just something out of the house.  With all the possible surgery up in the air it is really hard

  Maeve took my good PC camera so I have this really old one that takes horrible pictures.  However, I also took one from my phone: The difference in clarity is somewhat stunning.  The top pictures' camera is about 10 years old now that I think about it.  I sometimes don't realize how fast time passes and in technology 10 years is a long time.  Hell, my car is now 6 years old.   I don't think I look so bad in the bottom picture.  Considering I have been doing chemo for nearly a year and had some major surgery.  I suppose I should be happy about the fact that I am still a bit healthy considering all that has gone on with me.  The human body is a pretty amazing thing. Well, I need to get to the hospital to do fasting blood tests.  I am so thirsty!!! I love you all!

 I'm a little baked.  It's 5:29 and I am allowed, damn it!  This is my current puppy situation: They are such silly girls.  They do keep me company in the morning and they are good dogs.  Sometimes I regret getting them as we always have to find someone to watch them, but then I wave that thought away because they are part of the family.  They are faithful little monsters whose whole world revolves around us. I suppose I am avoiding the big news.  We spoke with the surgeon yesterday and he seemed like he was ready to go in at attempt liver surgery 2 of possibly 3.  I can't say that I am excited about surgery, but I am cautiously optimistic that they can get all the cancer out of my liver.  Inside I want to jump for joy that I might have a second chance at this life thing.  I am hesitant to get excited though as they went in before with the same attitude.  So I am trying to keep my emotions in check.  The weed helps. I have so much I want to do out in the yard, but if I get

  It's Friday!  I'm listening to the Smiths at 5:15 AM.   I have a meeting with the surgeon this morning and I am hopeful that they are going to go for the second attempt at the live.  I am starting to feel better post chemo an steroid.  I was pretty tired when I woke up.  Well when I went back to bed just before my alarm went off and then Nala - BARK! I would have gotten up when the alarm went off all the same. I am nervous about the possibility of surgery all the same.  On one hand I know that the removal of the primary tumor just might have extended my life by a year or more as it slowed the spread of the disease outside of the rectum.  Though if we don't get the liver cleaned out, it will kill me in a few years.  I am beginning to think that cancer is like standing on the train tracks with a very slow train coming down the line.  You can't move, you can't avoid the train, but you have some time to think about it.  It can be truly nerve racking and it takes all I

So that song was on Last of Us episode 3 (finally got to watching it last night).  I'd forgot how much I liked it.  Maeve took my computer camera.  So, I guess I need to get a new one.  I did have one of the best ranked models for video conferencing and expect finding one in stock will be difficult.  As long as she is happy.   So we are and I have good news.  I read the wrong MRI and the actual new scan shows that the tumors are still shrinking.  Not aggressively, but the tumors have gone below the 1cm measurement so changes become what are perceived as small changes are actually 40% less in size than they were.  For instance one tumor went from .54 cm-sq to .30 cm-sq which is a 44% change.   Tomorrow I hear from the surgeon as to whether they go in for round 2 on the liver.  I am pretty certain I can take the surgery, but I want to make sure that when they go in this time they come out with some results. I get more and more scared as this all lingers that I am getting closer to my