Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  So here we are (and I would be remiss if I didn't follow that with - "in a room full of strangers") the end of 2022.  Probably the shittiest year of my life and also, and it is hard to type this, on of the best.  Not best in the sake of memories made, etc... but in discovering more about me, learning to say no for once, letting myself be loved and helped.  It has been a very opening year for me.  I really was hardened until all of this cancer shit tore it down.   Well enough about that - I have a lot of cooking to do over the next two days.  Today, I am making homemade pizza and I am hoping the new oven and approach will make for good pizza (we will see).  Tomorrow, I am making Tiffany's birthday dinner (yes, yesterday was Tiffany's birthday, but we chose to do the meal on Sunday to give me prep time and so that we could eat earlier).  I have been enjoying the cooking a lot and it is really one of the only ways I know to give back.  I have always believed/felt t

 Well, it is Tiffany's birthday.  I once again didn't do anything major and I feel bad.  I mean mail ordering would be fine, but I can't really get out of the house without her knowing I am leaving so running to a jewelry store isn't exactly something I can do.  However, anyone can buy something and I am not sure that I can give Tiffany a gift that shows how thankful I am of her.  It isn't just the last year of her taking care of me, keeping me together when I first learned I had cancer, or how much she loves our children.  It is her.  She is a beautiful, loving, strong, and passionate woman that has, for some reason, given her love and life to me and I thank the magic of the universe for that everyday.  So how do I buy a birthday gift for that?  How do I show her how much I love her?  I make dinner?  I am making broiled lobster tail, mushroom risotto in parmesan creme sauce, and caramelized brussel sprouts - that is a start.  I get so self indulged with my cancer t

  Well, getting closer to the end of the year and the anniversary of the first test.  It was an ultrasound that showed spots on the liver.  I will write more on the anniversary of that date, but for now I remember that I wasn't feeling well at all at this time last year.  I was in constant pain in my side, always bloated no matter what I ate, and was getting tired and dizzy all the time.  Strange, but short of the chemo side effects (and the steroid), I actually feel better.  I don't have the energy spurts I had back then, but I think I really just need to get moving and I will get them back.  I slacked a bit as it got colder and I need to pick something to do inside (the bike behind me, the elliptical in the back room, something). So things are getting routine around here.  What's for dinner, when's the next treatment, when's the next scan; I need to move us out of this rut, but I am not sure how to do that.  With it being flu/cold season and covid on its way back,

 Yes, that is a kitchen towel over my shoulder (I was making a breakfast sandwich prior to this post and I always have a towel on my shoulder when I cook (thanks Mom!).   Well, I made it to the Christmas milestone.  If you are wondering, Saint Patrick's day is next and yes, I am having some drinks.  Why the small step milestones?  Well, I don't want to take time for granted.  I did that my whole life, wait until I have this level of income, wait until, I am this age, wait until I am retired; everything was in the future and nothing was in the present.  The present was work, and only work to get to "that time" which I am pretty sure would never have happened.  Now, I plan things I want to do, eat, learn to cook, etc... within the milestone timelines.  The milestone after that is memorial day, then July 4, then my bday again, and so on and so on...   I am feeling good today, but the closer we get to actual treatment days the better I feel (as stuff leaves my body).   go

  So I made it to and through Christmas!  The next milestone is Saint Patrick's Day - I am going to have some drinks that day damn it! Christmas was nice, I made an A5 Wagyu Ribeye for me and a creamy shrimp scampi with angel hair for Tiffany.  It felt like the old days as I made pancakes, bacon, and sausage for breakfast.  In keeping with my cooking addiction, I used the cast iron for breakfast (griddle and frying pan) and stainless steel for dinner.  I guess in the winter, cooking becomes my gardening... I have been having a hard time shaking that this is my last Christmas.  I sent a message to Tiffany in her daily email telling her I didn't think it was, but I look so thin and frail.  I feel good sometimes, but many days I am pretty dizzy.  I suppose that could be the Gabapentin or the coming down from being stoned or any number of meds/ailments.  I just think for me, it is best to treat every day as my last.  Sometimes, I just sit and play games, others I garden, others I c

 It is freezing in my office.  With the windchill well below zero, the backroom can't stay warm.  Even with the heaters running it is still below 50 out here.  I am pleased with how I feel about Christmas this year.  I think it is better than last year in my head.  This is regardless of the small tree, the bullshit cancer stuff, etc...  It is more that I have remembered why I liked Christmas, I thought about past Christmases, and I take great joy in knowing I have been on the receiving and giving end of the season.   I am not going to write much today due to the cold, but know that I love you all very much and being with you makes every day Christmas! I love you all!

  So I had been looking for the Wait for the Wagon on Christmas Day song (only around Christmas every year).  It is a song that was on one of our Christmas LPs as kids.  Well, I not only found the song, but the whole album!  It was Frosty the Snowman (The Caroleer Singers and Orchestra) from Peter Pan (they made lots of kid's albums back in the day).  The interesting thing about this album on Spotify is that I am pretty sure they created the copy from an LP as parts of Nuttin' for Christmas have an LP pop noise in it.  Brings back a lot of memories as I know I played the hell out of this album as a kid during Christmas.  It actually made me have more Christmas nostalgia which was really nice as I am trying to keep my head in the right place this Christmas.  As it is now obvious I will make my Christmas milestone, I will start looking to Saint Patrick's Day after Christmas.   Things are going well, it was a double chemo week so I am a bit run down.  I worked from home this w

 Not the best picture, but I don't do "multiple takes".  Only 3 days until milestone Christmas.  I feel ok.  I have been a little grumpy and tired.  The dogs are barking at night, but I don't know if I am hearing them as Tiffany seems to be getting to them before I wake up (which is weird for me).   Where the other chemo didn't cause me much sick or not wanting to eat, this irinotecan tends to mess me up pretty good for a couple days.  Sick to my stomach when I eat and just don't feel like eating and me not wanting to eat is abnormal.  Meh... I am still trying to get myself in the holiday spirit.  I am hoping I do for at least Christmas Eve.  I am basically pretending to work for the most part, I answer IMs and emails, but I am not doing what I am supposed to.  I will get the stuff I'm working on done today or tomorrow AM to make it look like I am doing something.  I guess two things get at my possibly having a good mood.  One, this fucking cancer, and the

 Jingle bells is stuck in my head.  Honestly, the part of the Bing song where the backup singers do the jingle bells portion is stuck in my head to be honest.  As you can see we are back in NJ for treatment.  I need to get off this attitude I have that I don't want to do this anymore as I am on this trip for a long time a real long time (or at least I think I am).  There are people that have done this for this for years so I can handle a little inconvenience of having to travel.   I guess it is the waiting portion that bothers me more than the actual treatment.  As a tech junkie I am use to immediate satisfaction.  Action A gets immediate response, e.g. click key, letter shows up on the screen, etc... Between that and my hyperactivity, I have never been much for hurry and wait.  And if you just asked yourself how I managed being a Marine, it drove me insane then as well. Well, going to end this short as I have to get Tiffany up in 8 minutes. I love you all!

  I really don't feel like doing much today.  It is because it is the travel day for treatment and I really am getting tired of it and we have only been doing this since late Sept.  I know it is what I have to do for longevity and stay with Tiffany.  I sometimes wonder who I want longevity for more, Tiffany or me.  I am nearly 100% that it is Tiffany.  I wouldn't give up on treatments, but wouldn't weigh them the same if I was all alone (no wife or kids).  I don't say that because I want to die, it is more of what I live for and what I've done in life equation.   I am content with who I am, what I've done, etc...  I am not sure I would be so content if it hadn't been for my wife and kids.  That is the funny part, I feel accomplished and content because I have so much to love and have had the joy of raising my children, growing with my wife, and loving my family.  Is there anything more satisfying than knowing you will live in someone's memory and hopeful

  Yesterday we dropped off food for a food drive at Big Ink.  Tiffany is amazing and seeks out these opportunities to help others.  She makes me such a better persona and I know I would not be the man I am without her by my side.  I suppose someday I should write about what I think a "man" is and what I think will help with us humans and maybe it just American men get over themselves.  I do mean get over themselves. I have settled into the fact that I will make it to Christmas :) and New Year's (though the "New Year Celebration" thing has never been my cup of tea).  I feel pretty good most days, I know that I am getting dehydrated and I am pretty sure that is what is up with most ailments I have (lightheaded, stomach pain, can't pee, etc...).  Yesterday, I drank about a 82 oz. of water and I felt pretty good most of the day. I am going to do a lot of cooking today.  I have to pre-cook some chicken thigh (for adding to things this week) and make some dinner f

  Sent this to Tiffany in her daily this morning: ****** It's 3:25 AM, I am listening to Christmas music, and it reminds me of when I was a kid around Christmas.  I could never sleep as I was so excited about the presents.  More than that, I still believed that something amazing happened on Christmas, that everyone felt as much anticipation for peace and joy.  I suppose there must have been a lot of catholic in me still then, but it wasn't just the birth of Jesus.  It was that I was still naive enough to believe that everyone was searching for peace and joy, but I really was full of spirit when I was younger.  I would sing those Christmas songs loud for all to hear (from a corner of the cellar).  So, I suppose I was a peace and love hippie.  I should have kept that spirit and I definitely should have focused a bit more on peace and love hippie in me.  Anyway, this is probably why I am trying to be Christmas-y this year; recapture a bit of that young kid that still had enough be

  10 days until Christmas and if this weather keeps up, we will have a white Christmas.  It will be nice.  I know that I talk about this being my last Christmas, some days, I feel like it could be (and that may just be depression, etc...) and others I feel like I am going to beat this thing.  I hate that it is a crap shoot, but I have taken the gamble from a treatment perspective and let's hope it pays off. The weather I speak of is a winter storm that could drop 5-10 inches of snow on us.  Not a ton in upstate NY snow, but enough.  In my weakened state, I can't be a lot of help on the snow removal part and that upsets me.  That is one of the things that I do.  I am not much of a macho man that separates a man's work from a woman's, but the snow removal has always been my responsibility.  I suppose it melts. :) I have been really dizzy and lightheaded as of late, but a lot of that I think is dehydration.  I tend to push most of my water right out to the ostomy bag and I

  Not really feeling the blog this morning. I have been really sleepy in the morning.  This is not normal for me, I tend to dive right out of bed most mornings.  Now I dive out as my legs cramp when I stretch and so I need to get up to stop the cramping pain (moving seems to be the only thing that makes them dissipate).  They are getting pretty regular anymore (the cramps) and I actually had one in my hamstring at work yesterday which is the first time I had one that bad during the day. So I need to go get some breakfast going.  No time for gaming this morning. I love you all!

  Well, bag change day was horrible.  I kept excreting and it was just disgusting.  I need to be more careful about how much I eat on bag change days, etc...  I had fasted from 9:00 PM, but that seemed to not have much of an effect.  It was pretty obvious I was clogged up and something got unclogged after the shower.  I guess you live you learn. We decorated the living room a bit and it is nice to have the Christmas lights and a small tree up.  I can't guarantee I will be here next year and I want to have some feeling of Christmas this year.  I still can't believe it has only been a year since we discovered I was sick.  It seems both like such a long time and a short time all together.  So much has happened directly to me this year.  I did get a lot done outside, small garden, etc...  I can't wait until spring so that I can start on the yard again.  It is so nice to get out in the warmer mornings and work in the fresh air.   I am going to try and stop just playing Minecraft

 Well, it is Monday - bag change day and work :( I slept until almost 6 AM which is crazy.  As is the case on bag changed days, I am thirsty as shit so I will start getting light headed soon if I don't get the bag changed and some water in me.  I haven't eaten or drank anything since 9:30 PM so I should be pretty empty today (fingers crossed).   Well, have to get to my blood sugar and bag changing.  I will write more tomorrow about putting up the Christmas decorations!!! I love you all!

So I am still trying to get my spirits up and into the Christmas mood.  It is hard some days more than others.  I find myself depressed more than anything.  I have never really been much of a social gathering person.  I feel awkward and I don't like just starting conversations.  It gets even worse when it isn't family and friends gatherings.  I would prefer to just hide in the corner and watch everyone - and in the past drinking too much. I have wanted to have a little drink the last few days.  It is easier to resist than I thought it would be.  I think the weed helps :)  I think on Fridays that one won't kill me (cancer is already doing that), but I am not a one drink guy - never have been.  Once I have one, it just goes from there. Enough about my drinking.  Other than an Irish coffee on Thanksgiving, I hadn't had a drink since August 1-3 (don't really remember the exact day, but it was the first week).  So that pretty much puts me at 1 drink in 3 months.  So if n

  So I am really late today (dog woke me up at 2 again) and will need to make this really short.  Things are going OK, still searching for that "Christmas Morning Feeling" (Spirited - Apple TV - I really enjoyed it).  The chemo fog and steroid crashing seems to be dissipating this morning so I am really feeling better.  When I feel better, I feel better about possible longevity and recovery which are all good things. Well, got to get some work done before Tiffany wakes up and I have very little time this morning. I love you all!

  Well, I would like to say that Nala woke me up, but I was starting to wake up and I think somehow she knows.  My bag was feeling full (it wasn't) and I was starting to roll, etc...  Luckily, it was 3:44 AM and not 2 AM.  I have been tired all week and putting the dogs out and then going back to bed until 7ish which is so unlike me.  I usually just stay up, work, clean, make breakfast, etc... I finally got around to taking a shower and as you can see I changed clothes.  I try to get motivated about taking care of myself, but I am pretty depressed.  I miss the joy of the holidays, the spirit that I was full of concerning the possibilities of mankind.  I know that much of that starts with me adjusting my attitude to be at peace.  I know that I can't change others, but I can change me and hope to influence others.  I try to be kind and peaceful.  I think most would say I was a nice guy.  When it comes right down to it, you can truly only control you and hope that others see your

 I am going to be honest - today it is the same sweatshirt and t-shirt.  I wasn't feeling so hot yesterday so no a lot got done for my hygiene.  Such important information I know, but I guess it describes my current state of mind/affairs.  It is funny, days like yesterday I wish I could just do what I want to at home (not work for someone else, not work at all from an occupation standpoint).  I want to fix, clean, and cook.  I want to focus on my health, etc...  However, I should take some solace in the fact that I am still healthy enough to work (such an American thing isn't it - I am healthy enough to work!  Yeah!).   I am feeling a bit better this morning so I will try and keep my blood sugar down today so that I can feel better.  I just really tired of eating only low-carb, no sugar, etc...  It is boring, tasteless, or has a nasty fake sweetener aftertaste.   I bitch about these things, but I feel like I am in a better place than many at this time.  I have hope after hearin

 Really need to retire this sweatshirt for the rest of the week.  It is just over my other shirt, but I bet it can stand on its own.  It is bag change day and I am so incredibly thirsty this morning.  I am going to wake Tiffany at about 4:30 maybe I will be able to get a couple more hours of sleep in after as I am pretty tired. I should just do it myself (the change that is), but Tiffany has become so proficient at it and I would be relegated to using a mirror most of the time leaving me with only one hand to work with.  We haven't done the process standing up in months so grabbing things off the counter and sticking them on me while standing is a possibility, but we get better results when I am laying down. So the steroid sugar effect was really bad yesterday.  My blood sugar was so high in the car that I was pretty sure passing out was a possibility (like when we stopped at the New York welcome center).  With my blood sugar over 300 (which has only been once before), I really nee

Up in the dark hotel room as Tiffany is sleeping.  Just another chemo treatment (only one this week as FUDR liver pump is only every 4 weeks).  I hate that we have to travel all the way here every two weeks and I know that it is weighing on Tiffany.  I wish I could do more to help, but she doesn't really let me.  I suppose I understand.  If she was sick I would be doing the same for her.  I am not sure how I would balance work and caretaker.  I am so happy that she isn't working.  I know that at times she probably wants to as being home all the time can be draining (we are pretty anti-social all the same), but I know she misses getting out and seeing people at times.  She is pretty busy with the girls and all.  I suppose that is kind of like her job now, but a bit thankless and not a lot of reward. I am trying to get the thought that this is my last Christmas out of my head.  I don't talk to Tiffany about it, but I know that she thinks it too.  We don't talk about the b

  I think somedays that even with all my health issues, I am still in better shape than some.  As I sit here typing this, I have energy, I can eat, care for myself, and I am not in pain (well not immense pain, but there are times things hurt, but it is rare anymore).  I take some solace in the fact that I am not at the point of my cancer that I dread.  The uncontrolled weight loss, sick all the time, pain, not able to care for myself.  I hate to put that burden on my family.  I had pride for my ability to care for myself - most of my life honestly.  I like that I didn't need help with much of anything.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the partnership that Tiffany and I have and all the things she does for me and us.  My point is that I could be fully self-sufficient.  There is very little I couldn't do for myself. So I am listening to Christmas music this morning and that is making me nostalgic for the time when I had Christmas spirit.  I would belt out those Christian son

  I am not fearing making it to Christmas or St. Paddy's.  I feel pretty good other than the fact that my stoma always stings and itches.  I suppose that is something I am going to just deal with and learn to ignore it.  I have been enjoying cooking, cleaning, and organizing the kitchen.  I am not sure why I am so obsessed with the kitchen.  Maybe it is because it is the easiest room.  Though full of stuff we use it and clean it (at least the dishes) every day.   I am trying to feel Christmas spirit. I think I have forgotten how to be filled with joy or wonder.  The real world has hit me so hard on so many occasions that I left the young man who still had a childish like wonder about the universe somewhere on the side of the road.  I know I don't have to come into Christmas with a childish wonder, but I think you understand what I mean.  I have got to the point where I realize I have more behind me than in front of me.  I am trying to dig into those Christmases that were so imp

  December 3rd.  My Christmas Milestone is just around the corner.  We are going to get the decorations today and I going to find somethings we haven't put up in a while.  We used to be excited about Christmas and I want to feel a little of that.  I tend not to be excited about the future as I have no idea what it brings. The shorter milestones help me at least plan for those items. Today is bag change day so I haven't had a drop of water since 9:00 PM except for a tiny sip at 2:00 AM.  I feel like a Sahara desert universe lives in my mouth right now.  Tiffany is so awesome to help with the change.  I could do it a lone, but she just makes it so easy.  She really has stepped up and I would call her a caretaker even though I don't really need one at this time. Well, I need to go get all the bag things ready so that I can let Tiffany get up and get back to sleep.  Then I can  also get a drink of water. I love you all!

  My phone camera takes much better pictures than my computer camera (of course).  I am going to try and force myself to be happy today and have asked Tiffany to help me.  I want to decorate the living room like we used to and enjoy Christmas.  I am so depressed that this could be my last Christmas that it is eating away at me and instead of trying to make it something to remember I am angry, sad, and irritable.  That isn't who I am and I used to love Christmas and I am not sure how I lost my childish and wonder approach to the holiday.  Years of trying to pretend that I wanted to be an adult I guess.  Being an adult sucks ass and why would I want to focus on that bullshit. I think everyone in the house is upset and depressed because I am.  They emulate or reflect my attitude and lately I have been letting the cancer win the mental game and I am not going to do that anymore.   Well, I need to get the jars burped, some breakfast, and get my ass to work.   I love you all!

 25 more days until Christmas!  I am certain I will make this milestone.  I was listening to Christmas music on the way to work yesterday.  I need to find the Patrick Stewart doing Christmas Carol audio book (from his stage show) - it is so good. I was thinking yesterday that I had a deep believe in Christmas and Catholicism as a kid.  I wasn't a trained repeating preacher (you know those little evangelicals taught by their parents to quote the bible at every turn).  However, I believed in heaven and hell as well as God, Jesus, and the Devil etc...  I used to have dreams about my indiscretions like taking cookies I wasn't suppose to and the devil was coming to get me because of it. I believed that there was a God in heaven looking over all of us and that Jesus was born to save the world.  I felt joy at Christmas as if everyone in the world was thinking about peace on earth and goodwill to men.  It took years for me to realize that Christmas is just a day to a lot of people and