Now that she's back in the atmosphere... May 15, 2023

 Well, it is half way through May.  Yesterday was mother's day and I really dropped the ball.  I didn't make anything nice for Tiffany, I didn't do much of anything.  I didn't exactly feel well yesterday.  I don't know any more whether I am suffering from depression, anxiety, or the cancer.  Now, I know my bowels are messed up because of the ileostomy reversal, but not sure if that is contributing to the "sick to my stomach" feeling or the spinning in my head.

I may have over-did on Saturday, but I felt good on Saturday.  Maybe I need to get up and get moving every day.  It is probably a good idea not to get stoned either in the morning.  This morning my stomach feels like shit (I ate less sugar yesterday evening than I have in days) and I don't feel well.  I am beginning to worry that I have cancer somewhere else in my body that is eating away at me as I still can't gain any weight.  I started to there for a bit, but now I am back at 175ish.

I guess my biggest issue is that nothing sounds good.  Don't get me wrong periodically things sound tasty, but most of the time I am eating out of necessity and ease of access.  Nothing really is jumping out and screaming "eat me" you will enjoy it.  I am really tired of going to the bathroom which doesn't help.  Kind of connected the idea of eating with the horror that is a bathroom visit.  This morning even coffee sounded unappealing.  I will most likely have a sandwich for lunch, but that is just because those seem to have the least impact on my bowels.  It would be nice to tell you what I really want to eat, but nothing, honestly nothing, sounds appealing.  I would really like to go back to bed, which makes me think I am suffering from a bit of depression.  Who knows, all I know is that I need an attitude adjustment.  I was thinking I needed a vacation.  Sounds funny as I have been out of work since early May, but that wasn't fun or enjoyable.  I was sick then recovering from surgery, neither of which is enjoyable.  I need something to help distract me from cancer, but that is really hard to do.  I try not to think about the fact that I am sick, but without anyone telling you that your better it is just a matter of how long can I deal with all of this.  To be honest, I am not sure.  

Yesterday, Tiffany noticed I wasn't talking much.  I really don't know what happens then, but I just shut down.  I am not really thinking about anything specific.  Most days anymore, I am trying not to focus on the fact that I always need to use the bathroom or trying to keep cancer out of my head.  This shit is really a slow bullshit nightmare and I hate it.

I suppose I should focus on getting my head in order.  I'm just not really sure where to start.  Not over-thinking everything would be a good place I guess.

Well, I should get to work.

I love you all!