Love, I get so lost sometimes... May 16, 2023

 I am in a funk.  I know that my last couple of posts I've talked about getting better physically and I am, but I troubled by the thoughts that I have cancer somewhere else in my body (digestive track, brain, etc...).  Cancer has changed me and I am not sure how to get back to being strong.  My head is all over the place, I don't want to do any of things that I once enjoyed (gaming, etc...).  I am surprised how much my days were filled with just drinking alcohol in the afternoons and falling asleep.  I have tried to play Minecraft (the hyperactive kids wet dream game), but even that bores me as I have done a lot of the game and find myself just repeating the same things in different biomes.  

I think that I may just be worried about the end of the month's scan or that I don't want to start chemo again, who knows.  May even be that I am tired of being in the bathroom 10-15 times a day.  I feel like an old person that can't leave the house for risk of shitting himself.  I think is this what the rest of my life will be like?  Bad bowels, sick to my stomach every day, no desire for eating unless I am stoned, can't eat anything fun without paying for it in my digestive system, and then I realize I have it much better than other cancer sufferers.  My worry is that I have seen the best days of life already and I was so looking forward to retirement and free time with Tiffany.

I wonder, is that the cruel joke of life.  You work so hard to try to get to something and then you can't get there.  It is the carrot on the stick.  I was getting so close.

Well, I should make some breakfast before I have to start working.

I love you all!