He had white horses... May 17, 2023

 

You know, it is kind of boring to take the same picture every day.  I think I meant for it to show some progression of my disease, but I am not sure that you can see any real body changes.  I suppose my face shows the weight loss which is about 50 pounds at the moment (from the beginning of all of this).

I was thinking that I am getting bored of sitting around the house, but I really don't know what I would do outside of it.  Going out to eat could be disastrous for my bowels and drinking needs to be in extreme moderation.  It is amazing how much of my life revolved around drinking.  Trips to breweries, drinking nearly every night (every night), drinking all day when I was cooking on the weekend, etc...  It seems strange to me now that I am having a hard time finding any enjoyment in much of anything.

I suppose I am a little pissed off at myself even though I know that I am not at fault for my cancer.  There are those that drank more, ate worse, etc... The issue is I feel as if my body is betraying me.  I used to be able to do most whatever I wanted physically and now I'm exhausted the day after the least amount of activity.  I suppose it will get better the farther I get from surgery or I hope.  I just worry that I will continue to get weaker and weaker as we move along.  I suppose that is the depression.

Now, I am not always thinking that I am done for.  I was just thinking the yesterday (or the day before) how much more money I will have once I pay off the home equity loan.  Also, I need to stay positive for Tiffany and the girls - they need to have hope even when I don't.  There is no reason to drag them into depression with me as they probably are already dealing with some.

Honestly, yesterday was a pretty good day.  My brain was ok, my body was better (much less trips to the bathroom, etc...), and I felt like I had some energy.  I'm a little tired today, but I just didn't sleep well.  My sides are sore for some reason and I didn't sleep well.

Well, I guess I will go eat :)

I love you all!


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