Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  So today is the day we are off to NJ for the first time in a while (since the end of February).  Scans and a meet with the oncologist to hear next steps.  I am pretty nervous.  I didn't think I was until this morning.  A little sick to my stomach and tense.  It isn't like I didn't think I had cancer anymore, but it was nice to feel a bit normal.  I suspect I have a couple weeks and then we will start chemo again.  I know that I shouldn't get all nervous about something I have no control over and that I know what I had coming, but I really am still hopeful that I will beat this thing.  I also think that if I ignore it for long enough it will just go away.  Not the best plan, makes me a zombie and no one likes that.  I also have that damn cigarette smoke smell in my nose all the time (like I had back in December of 2021) - it really is annoying. My little garden is coming along and the grape vine has new growth again after the freez...

 You know that old Army commercial, "I do more before 9 AM then most people do all day"?  That is me for the most part.  It is currently 7:34 AM (exactly) and I have sent Tiffany an email, made coffee, screwed down deck boards, pulled some weeds (clover) from the flower garden, checked the vegetable garden (and the grapes that I am not sure will make it), and checked the herb garden.  Some people don't accomplish that much in a single day.  I feel a bit blessed that I am still capable of doing these things and I was confident today when I was outside thinking about putting raised beds right in front of the house that I will be here next year to take care of them.  I will beat the odds damn it! This morning, I didn't feel so hot when I first woke up.  I think I was dehydrated as a bit of water and some physical activity and feel so much better.  I got out (as you see above) and walked the yard a bit.  Got some nice flowers coming up: Of course...

  I'm outside this morning, not sure how long though.  It is colder than I thought it was.  I do enjoy the birds and the quiet.  Well I do have Handel's Water Music playing so there is some noise to go along with the birds chirping and singing. I do love this deck, we should have come out last night, but we will tonight and tomorrow so that Maeve can play Yahtzee with us.  We have spent a lot of family time out here and Tiffany and I have spent a lot more time than anyone else.  I guess I have spent the most as I used to work out here during Covid.  It was nice to be outside.  I probably drank a bit too much during that time period.  There were some things bothering me so I turned to drinking to put them out of my head.  It didn't work. Next week we are off to NJ for scans, blood work, and pump maintenance (supposedly the glycerol again, but I suspect sugar water and two weeks from now, we are back to chemo - just a guess).  I am ju...

  Wow, the room is bright and messy when I have the lights on high (and not a color scheme).  Things are going ok for me and I feel pretty good. I worry about Maeve, she always looks so depressed and sad.  You don't believe it when your family tells you that you're awesome, but she is and I wish she realized it.  I too struggled with society, acceptance, relationships, and socialization as a whole.  I've always been awkward and uncommitted.  Tiffany changed all that and I know there is a "Tiffany" out there for Maeve. We had another frost last night and I covered all the brussels sprouts and a few other plants.  Hopefully they weathered the cold ok and that this is the last frost of the season.  The weird changing weather is a super pain in the ass. I am going to start working on my office this weekend, it needs more cleaning out (as you can see) and I started some of the "futuristic" look with hanging the HDMI and ethernet cables and now I will c...

 So I am feeling quite a bit better in my head and the farther I get from chemo the clearer my brain has become.  I still don't want to work, but I am at least thinking clearer.  Mostly, I want to do physical things which I believe is me reacting to the fact that I physical feel better as well.  My bowels are still a pain in the ass, but there getting there. Speaking of bowels, I had salad last night for dinner (very small).  It was really tasty and I have yet to find out if it has an adverse effect on me yet.  All in all, I have been markedly better than I was a month ago and way better than right before surgery when I was having a hard time eating.  I am not having a hard time eating now, I just don't feel a lot of joy from it.  I am still struggling with not eating 20 pounds of sugar a day (I like sugar). I took a large break during this short blog post to go uncover the plants.  We have a late frost today and probably tomorrow AM.  F...

 Morning!  I can't believe it is almost memorial weekend.  I have been feeling a little better.  I don't feel sick, but I get tired easy and my muscles ache from the lightest of activities.  I suppose I haven't really used my muscles since the last surgery.  There was a little recovery exercise in the hospital, but then I was pretty lazy through the winter (I always am).  It just feels like my muscles are wasting away.  So it is important that I use them and keep them strong or keep them engaged. I wonder how much time I have left honestly.  I certainly hope that all this surgery wasn't for nothing, but I really do feel at times like my body is giving up on me.  This whole feeling is why I try to stay active to show myself I can do it.  I also have been asking Tiffany to do things, but she doesn't suggest much.  I feel like we need to get a way for something, do something.  I know that she is exhausted as well.  She s...

 So, it is that time of the year again where I go outside in the morning and walk the yard and look at the garden.  Flowers will be coming soon: I really enjoy when the flowers, fruit, and veggies grow.  It is nice to watch life come bursting out every spring.  I think it means a little more to me now that I worry about my own longevity.  It is interesting to watch nature be concerned (in the case of annuals) with only one season of growth.  I suppose they make seeds that could be considered their next generation.  This would be similar to my cilantro that replants itself year after year.   I have been feeling good lately and have been pretty active gardening, yard work (setup summer), and cleaning (see the keyboard hangers behind my picture).  Though I am having a hard time thinking about work (my actual job), I have no problem with wanting to clean and organize my office.  It would seem I like the distraction of physical labor to ...

  If you look closely, the shirt is a different color red than yesterday ;)  I'm getting better about the clothes.   I am feeling a bit more like myself and I got some good yard work done yesterday.  I should have taken a picture of the brussels sprouts that I brought up inside and planted outside yesterday.  I only brought out 3 of 6 incase we still get a heavy freeze.  I fear I lost the grape vine to the heavy freeze and the hydrangea sprout as well.  Living in zone 5 can be a hassle at the beginning of the growing season. I need to get some hot peppers for Maeve and tomatoes as well as cucumbers going.  I looked at starter plants at Lowes yesterday, but didn't pull the trigger on them.  Should have, but was just getting a little tired after shopping for what I needed to get the deck fixed and an air inflator for the compressor (I have some tires to fill). All in all, I am not too sore today (legs a bit), but I feel good and I am going...

  It looks sometimes like I am wearing the same shirt, but I do change them.  I keep the sweatshirt for a few days depending on how sweaty I get. Things are going a little better and I am healing ok.  I am trying to get out and get little things done, like today I just fixed some deck boards that were coming loose.  Not hard work, but work all the same.  I am going to run to Lowes after I eat breakfast and get a couple things to try and fix the outside gazebo so that we (and the dogs) can get some shade this summer.   With that said, it is time to get that food in me and get running.  If I get time later, I will write another post (never happens because, Minecraft). I love you all!

 I am still feeling pretty good.  I didn't sleep as well last night as I did yesterday evening, but I still feel good.  I slept in the living room with the dogs.  It was my own fault, I got up to get a snack and Nala got up.  Once she see me, I am sleeping in the living room or she will just bark at the bedroom. Things are healing from surgery pretty well and I am beginning to settle down from a bowels perspective.  I still can't eat whatever I want, but at least I am not running to the bathroom every 20-30 minutes all day long.  My wounds are healing pretty good and I feel like I would be able to start doing some exercise bike riding and some outside work (did some the last weekend - tired me out, but it was good).  I still get tired pretty fast and I wonder if that is due to all the down time with surgery and winter, etc...  I need to get my ass into some semblance of shape.  Notice I didn't say "fat ass" and that is because I am prett...

 My god!  I slept so damn well last night!  I really feel good this morning.  Now, I don't have a huge appetite, but it will come.  I really can't remember the last time I slept through the night 9 hours almost straight (got up around 5 to go the bathroom).  I need more nights like that.  I didn't have weird dreams about cancer and life, I just slept.  I don't remember the dreams or anything. With that said, I feel like me.  It has been a long time since I have been able to say that.  I woke up with energy and excited to feel refreshed.  This was a rare feeling before cancer.  I am hoping I can keep this feeling throughout the day.  I really wish it was a weekend day and I didn't have to work all day.  I could take the day off, but I don't have any paid vacation left so I will need to be sparring about the days off.   I know I seem a little manic from the last few posts to this one, but it is amazing what a ...

  You know, it is kind of boring to take the same picture every day.  I think I meant for it to show some progression of my disease, but I am not sure that you can see any real body changes.  I suppose my face shows the weight loss which is about 50 pounds at the moment (from the beginning of all of this). I was thinking that I am getting bored of sitting around the house, but I really don't know what I would do outside of it.  Going out to eat could be disastrous for my bowels and drinking needs to be in extreme moderation.  It is amazing how much of my life revolved around drinking.  Trips to breweries, drinking nearly every night (every night), drinking all day when I was cooking on the weekend, etc...  It seems strange to me now that I am having a hard time finding any enjoyment in much of anything. I suppose I am a little pissed off at myself even though I know that I am not at fault for my cancer.  There are those that drank more, ate worse,...

 I am in a funk.  I know that my last couple of posts I've talked about getting better physically and I am, but I troubled by the thoughts that I have cancer somewhere else in my body (digestive track, brain, etc...).  Cancer has changed me and I am not sure how to get back to being strong.  My head is all over the place, I don't want to do any of things that I once enjoyed (gaming, etc...).  I am surprised how much my days were filled with just drinking alcohol in the afternoons and falling asleep.  I have tried to play Minecraft (the hyperactive kids wet dream game), but even that bores me as I have done a lot of the game and find myself just repeating the same things in different biomes.   I think that I may just be worried about the end of the month's scan or that I don't want to start chemo again, who knows.  May even be that I am tired of being in the bathroom 10-15 times a day.  I feel like an old person that can't leave the house...

 Well, it is half way through May.  Yesterday was mother's day and I really dropped the ball.  I didn't make anything nice for Tiffany, I didn't do much of anything.  I didn't exactly feel well yesterday.  I don't know any more whether I am suffering from depression, anxiety, or the cancer.  Now, I know my bowels are messed up because of the ileostomy reversal, but not sure if that is contributing to the "sick to my stomach" feeling or the spinning in my head. I may have over-did on Saturday, but I felt good on Saturday.  Maybe I need to get up and get moving every day.  It is probably a good idea not to get stoned either in the morning.  This morning my stomach feels like shit (I ate less sugar yesterday evening than I have in days) and I don't feel well.  I am beginning to worry that I have cancer somewhere else in my body that is eating away at me as I still can't gain any weight.  I started to there for a bit, but now I am back ...

 Note that I am purposely looking like there is an axe murderer off-camera.  I figured you were getting bored with me looking right at the camera. Today is Mother's Day. We don't ever really do anything for Tiffany on Mother's Day other than make her food.  To be honest, we do a similar activity on Father's Day.  I suppose I have never gotten excited about any of these "Days" even as a kid.  I got my mother some kind of plant every year for ever and now my wife orders flowers or a plant (this year) when she orders her mother's stuff.  I suppose I have the same issue with Valentine's Day, etc...  Christmas was different for me (still is somewhat), but from there down the excitement diminishes drastically.  I guess things like Christmas and Easter seemed to be connected to something when I was really young.  Like I believed Dec 25th was actually the day Jesus was born (silly, I know). Well, gonna sit in the living room with Tiffany. I love you ...

 It is strange not to have any medical items hanging out of me or be suffering from the effects of chemo.  I am not 100%.  I still have soreness across my abdomen scar (will that ever not be sore) and a small hole where they reversed the ostomy.  Of course, I have shitty (literally) bowels, but like I said, the GI feels that could be for a year or more (joy). Either way, I am above ground and kicking. As my friend Scott would say, I am on the right side of the grass. Speaking of bowels, I need to run to the room.  I will then get outside and check my few growing things and get ready for mowing today. I love you all!

  I know it isn't Saturday, but that song is stuck in my head :)  So quick trip to NYC and I no longer have the drains.  It has been nice to sleep the last couple of nights (one in NYC and one at home) without the drains hanging out of me.  Other than bandages on my skin, I have nothing hanging off my body for the first time since August of 2022 - nearly 9 months.  Now I know that people live their entire lives with ostomy bags, but since there was an option to get back to normal we took it and I am so happy about it. My bowels haven't adjusted yet, but they tell me that could take up to a year or more.  I guess it takes a while to rebuild the chemistry in your gut.  Still, I will take the frequent bathroom visits and sore ass over the ostomy.  I was getting pretty sick prior to surgery and we are pretty certain it was the bag and the fact that I was not absorbing any nutrients.  I was 175 at the DR's office on Tuesday so I am pretty damn sli...

 It is nearly two months from my surgery (next week).  I am starting to feel a little better.  I did some outside work with the drains on Saturday.  It really wiped me out and I spent most of Sunday resting/recovering.  I have a way to go to get my body back into some level of shape.  One of the things I need to do is not get stoned in the AM as that just leads to laziness.  Going back to work will probably help with that as I don't get stoned when I need to work.  However, getting back to work will distract me from getting things done around the house.   I guess we will see how that all goes. Tiffany had mentioned me finding something else, but how do you go about job hunting with stage IV cancer?  It is a pretty legitimate question.  Are you required to tell your employer that you have cancer (you're not, but seems strange to hide it and they will find out soon enough as you start taking time off for chemo)?  I just know...

It's Saturday.  Right now, that doesn't matter as I haven't worked since March 10th or so.  I guess I am ready to go back to work.  I have been having this annoying pain in my right side.  Not quite like the one that made me initially go to the DR, but similar.  It sucks that every time I don't feel up to something, a little nausea, or a pain inside my body, I immediately assume it is cancer related.  I suppose it is what every cancer patient goes through.   In my reading I find all these people that start running or exercising aggressively once they are diagnosed and part of me wonders where the energy comes from.  I was drained by all the treatment (and had to carry a chemo pump every other week for 3 days).  I suppose I did ride the exercise bike a bit, but nothing like running a 5k.  The person I was reading about had run 3 5k's (their first 5k ever) in 2 years.  Funny as I don't want to run a 5k, I want to have the energy ...

 So it is looking like the liver drainage tubes will come out on Tuesday (unless something crazy happens between now and then).  I really can't wait.  The liver drains aren't responsible for the lack of energy or the focus issues.  That I believe is the result of chemo and I need to start powering through that.   The good thing is that I am here, but what good does me being here do if I am too weak to do anything (other than work/insurance).  At least when the bags are gone I will be able to bend over, twist, and sleep.  Also, Tiffany will get a break from nursing duties, but I suspect that as I progress she will have some more nursing duties to deal with.  I feel so bad for her.  Sometimes she must think that I am just a "dead man walking".  Though I think we both are heavily on the hope side that I will beat this thing and this too will pass.  I am hopeful, but scared. As you can see from the multiple days of blog posts that ...

  I got up at 7:30 this morning.  I didn't go to bed until 11:00 so that might be part of it.  I really have to get back on my normal work schedule.   I haven't been doing much lately, I am not sure if that helps the liver abscesses heal or whether not exercising slows the healing.  My logic tells me my body needs to reserve energy to help with healing and that if I over-do on the exercise I will weaken my body and it won't heal well.  I needed to start getting calories into me prior to doing too much from an exercise/working standpoint. Today is Gusty's birthday.  She doesn't have much longer where she will be able to use my health care and I worry about her.  There is no one in her life to step up when she needs it.  Like I stepped up for Tiffany when she needed to retire and help Maeve.  It isn't just income either, there is just not someone to step up to help her with all of life's needs.  Maeve doesn't have anyone either a...

 I don't want to be up.  Bear needed to go the bathroom at 5:50 so here we are.  I am a little stoned and will probably get a lot stoned and go back to sleep, but we will see.  I am having a cup of coffee as well so they will compete for my general motivation level. I got up and ate way too much sugar the last two nights.  I have to control that.  I know it is the weed, but the weed also makes me tired and able to go back to sleep with these damn things hanging out of me.  The drains are an annoyance.  Not just because they are hanging by my side, but they feel like a constant bee sting on my right side.  The lower one hurts all the time.  It is also the one that all of a sudden isn't draining.  Maybe the catheter is blocked or something similar.  As much as this drainage process is a pain I guess it is safer than surgical drainage.  Or at least that is what the "internets" say. It has been raining and just about 50 degree...

  So it looks as if I am returning to work in a week from tomorrow.  I am not real excited about that, but we need the money and the insurance.  I'm not sure if I wish I was like my UK/Canada acquaintances or not.  Someone still has to bring in the money, it just the insurance they don't have to worry about.  I suppose I could find a job that pays less that I enjoy, but we couldn't make much less at the moment: too many responsibilities. Enough about the financial crap, though it is my biggest worry.  You would think worsening cancer or something like that would be, but taking care of the family (financially and insurance) is my most important duty.  I am just getting really tired and I think it shows.  By 3:30 most days I want to go to bed and sleep. Yesterday wasn't too bad of a day.  Tiffany had to change all my dressings on the liver drains which is quite the task for her so it wasn't the best day for her.  However, I got to shower (...

  It's May 1st.  Things are pretty much the same.  The liver drains keep me from sleeping well and I don't have a lot of energy.  My bowels have yet to appreciate the ileostomy reversal and I struggle with that.  I still feel pretty nauseous and eating is a struggle, but I continue to shove food into me because I know I have to and for Tiffany and girls. I read on my Facebook group that another guy has died of colorectal cancer.   His story was somewhat similar to mine.  Colon tumor removal, ileostomy, then they found the liver tumors (seems strange to me they didn't find them at first).  He passed about a year after diagnosis.  It was really sad.  There was some catharsis in reading his story.  I have a brotherhood of people fighting this disease with me and that for some reason gives me strength (misery loves company?).  However, I am struck by how some respond to chemo and others don't.   I am so thankful for ...