Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 The camera isn't broken, it is just red in here because the light scheme is Honolulu and it is now dark outside in the AM.  Sad to think we are moving to that time of the year when I won't be able to do my morning walk in warmer weather.  I suppose it is still August so there are warm mornings left, just more behind us this year than there are in front of us I guess. Tiffany comes home today and I can't wait.  It is like I am zombie wandering the house.  I suppose I am a bit like the animals.  Wandering around looking for her, but in my case I clean or something similar to keep busy.  I didn't get as much done as I wanted to while she was gone, but I can't complain.  I worked pretty hard and got a lot of yard work done and did some serious house cleaning.  I am trying to combat the cat smell, but I don't think I am going to win that one. As far as my health, I feel as good as I can.  My bowels are still messy, but the lightheadedness started to disappear this w

 I guess I got a bit of sun today.  I did a lot of work outside from about 7:00 until 11:00.  Here is some of what I did today: Cleaned up the herb garden and replanted the blueberry bush Trimmed the pear tree out front Dug out the ditch to help with a water flow issue I also weeded the garden, cut down a bunch of weeds by the old dog shed, and trimmed up the shade tweed outback.  So I got a lot of work down in those 3 hours. I miss having Tiffany here and I guess I do all of this so that she can like her home.  I could have done so much gardening and landscaping and I just don't know why I didn't.  I started to with the raised bed runs out the back door, but then I just stopped for some reason.  Laziness maybe, stupid priorities, and exhaustion from work - who knows, I just stopped doing it.  Now I have so much I want to do at home that I have a hard time focusing.  Cleaning inside, landscaping and gardening outside, there is so much to be done.  I suppose I should focus on th

 Not sure if you can see the converse behind me.  I haven't worn those all summer.  I need to get busy.  I really like them, but I never wear them.  Some of it is because I never leave the house, the other is that my legs are so white and thin that the shoes look weird when I have shorts on.  My legs have always been thin, but they are really thin now. As we move into the weekend, (well, I guess it is Saturday, so it is the weekend) I am starting to feel a little better.  The lightheadedness that I was feeling all week has been getting better and I think the caffeine in my coffee doesn't help.  All in all, I woke up tired (dogs woke me up at 5:30 AM), but I feel pretty good outside of being tired.  The being tired will pass as I get to work this morning.  I plan to get out and do some yard trimming, some tree trimming, and possibly take some plant cuttings.  Then I am going to retire to inside and see if I can't get some cleaning done.  There is so much to do and so little

 It is Wednesday and I don't expect Tiffany home until Saturday (I think).  I miss her and Maeve very much.  I have been trying to keep myself busy with the yard and other house work.  So far I find myself wandering around until about 8 PM to keep myself busy.  Yesterday, I mowed the lawn which killed a couple of hours.  Today, I need to drop off the truck and Gusty is going to give me a ride home. I would like to get the trim done this evening at least in the herb garden, but we will see.  It is supposed to be really hot today so I will need to get the house closed up and cooled down.  I don't actually remember if I turned off the AC last night (at least the central air).  My head just isn't working that well at the moment. I only have one outdoor weed plant and I will need to get some cuttings from it in the next couple of days in order to have a few more plants.  My issue has been that my cuttings go to flower immediately due to light intensity.  So much to learn about p

I was going to post a video today, but it was too big.  I don't want to use YouTube as things get found easier there.  I guess I will just put a picture up today. I have been doing ok, I have been having an issue with dizziness and lightheadedness (are they the same thing?).  I haven't told Tiffany yet as I am hoping this is just a chemo thing and it will pass.  My concern is my BP has been high (at the DR - can't find my home tester...).  I forgot how swimmy brained the chemo can make me and I suppose each treatment is slowly killing off important things too (like my brain cells).   My gut is still bothering me, but I'm eating as I am so damn hungry.  It isn't just the weed, but the constant Dex that isn't helpful either. Well, I need to get to work. I love you all!

 Monday...  meh Tiffany and Maeve are heading to TN today (again).  They are on day two as they split the trip into two days.  They are in Roanoke tonight.  It is funny how much I miss having them around the house, I could barely sleep without Tiffany next to me. I felt pretty shitty yesterday as I have been light-headed and still am.  I suspect that I am clogged and need to get the shit out of me.  I really have to stop eating so much when I am stoned.  It is a catch-22 as getting stoned makes me feel better, than I eat too much, then I feel bad, so I get stoned again - well, you get it. I will take a pic of this year's plant as it is doing pretty good.  I will put it in tomorrow's note as I haven't been outside yet.  Nala decided to wake me at 4:44 AM, but I can't blame her, they were in most of the evening (like 7:30 PM).  They a really are good dogs. I made some ribs yesterday on the Traeger.  They were good, but I would almost say they were too smoky. I would prefe

  I'm in this picture :) It is getting sunny outside as I never got up until 7.  It was so nice to sleep from 9:30 until 7:00.  It really was the best night's sleep I have had in a long time.  Must have been all the weed, food, and Ambien :) Things have been going ok.  I am trying not to stress upcoming scans at the end of next month, but it is so hard.  Tiffany and Maeve will be heading to TN Sunday.  I really don't like it when Tiffany is not home, I get lonely after a couple of days.  She helps me relax as otherwise I am incapable for some reason.  I guess I just don't know what to do with myself. I have felt pretty good other than the bowel issues.  I am sometimes concerned that the bowel issues are associated with new colon tumors, but I have to be patient with my healing etc...  I know I should eat better, but I have this munchies issue when I get stoned.  I was able to not eat the other day when I was stoned and that was a step in the right direction.  Chemo made

 You have to love the Speckles tail in my picture.  She has taken to coming out when I first get up.  Yesterday was a rough day.  I didn't feel good as my stomach was upset and most of the day I was dizzy and felt like I was going vomit.  Not as bad this morning, but I didn't eat anything after dinner last night except for one lemon Oreo at 9:45 PM (ish).  My sugars were good this morning and that was one of my concerns that my sugars yesterday were whack, but I really didn't eat that much.  My big problem I think were my bowels were full. I'm not really sure how I can take an loperamide and still have loose stool.  I will have sandwiches, toast, and rice today and see if I can't get the insides back in order.  I had several days when I was doing so much better and I thought I was turning a corner on this bowel thing.  Set backs... going to set back I guess. I think Tiffany is getting sick of the sitting in the living room all night.  I am not sure, but if she was m

  Not a good picture, but there is no pink seat behind me.  That went back to Maeve's room.  So I didn't meet an old lover on the street last night, b.ut I did have "it's 4 in the morning, crapped out, yawning" stuck in my head since I got up at 4:30 AM. The weekend was pretty good and of course all I am thinking about is not going to work.  I really just don't want to do it.  My brain is all kinds of messed up around what I should be doing and the scans at the end of August have me all nervous.  I am trying to think about the best outcome, but it is hard at times. I definitely drank too much this weekend so I need to be good the rest of the week until my blood tests on Thursday as it is chemo week.  The drinking went along with the working and the cooking.  I made some decent meals and I am getting to understand the new Traeger pretty well.  I feel guilty for buying it, but I am going to be around to use it damn it! Well, I am going to get something to eat an

  Well, I missed a day posting in there.  Didn't do a ton yesterday as the timing was all wonky with the shopping.  I did get started on the second base of the front deck.  I suppose it now qualifies as deck over a porch.  I also made a second attempt at making grilled like food (not just smoked) on the Traeger.  Thus far it isn't really grill like - you can't get a sear on the meat, but I am certain it makes for a good light smoke flavor on a low and slow.  I'll try that when Tiffany and Maeve are away.  Brisket or pork shoulder will be the choices and not a decision I am making right now. So I don't really have a lot to talk about today.  A bit of anxiety about the scans at the end of August.  It's hard not to think about them and it really isn't that far away as it is only a month and a 1/2. Well, I think I might make some food even though my ass still hurts from yesterday if you know what I mean. I love you all!

 So yes, same sweatshirt, but I really only wear it about an hour a day.  However, I still manage to spill shit on it.   I have been a little lazy about the landscaping, but I am getting better.  I suppose I did start the front porch and put in two beds so far this summer.  Not bad. I thought I would show you one of my favorite places in the yard. I am not sure why this is one of my favorite places, but it is.  Maybe because that shed has been here nearly as long as I have or because it was the home of Morpheus and Neo.  All in all it has a country calmness to it that attracts me.  Granted it is a mess with old lawn mowers and tree trimmings etc... but it is my mess damn it. Things have been going ok and I actually had some solid movement with out taking medicine (it's a start).  My gut still hurts some, but I need to control the overeating due to being stoned (that is a tough one as I am stoned a lot in the evenings). Either way, I am doing better.  I still get light-headed a lot

 It is funny how much I don't want to work, but I like to tinker with technology.  Yesterday I was playing with getting a phishing system (free) setup in AWS so that I could test it at work.  That is work, but I don't want to do it on work's terms.  Most of the time I just want to be outside doing stuff on the house.  Everything I put off.  I suppose I would be that way even if I wasn't sick.  It is that time that I realize that I don't have the strength or energy to work like I used to.  Shoring up the addition was probably the last, hard-working, exhausting, work I will do in my lifetime I suspect. Speaking of being outside, I do love my gardens.  The oregano is out of control, but it is so pretty (and smells/tastes good): I don't have a lot of write time this morning as I need to get ready for work :( I love you all!

  So, I have been blogging, stream of consciousness typing since Feb of 22.  Not a lot of days missed in that time.  Sometimes I was in surgery, others I just didn't get to it, but for the most part daily.  So it has been over a year and a half.  Sometimes it feels like it has gone by fast and other times it feels like it has been a long time.  Either way, it has been tough for everybody.  I try to hide how much my cancer bothers me from my family, but I don't think I do a very good job of it.  Some days I feel really sick (probably the chemo) and others I don't, but it is always in my head that I have cancer. The good thing is I have such a loving family.  I knew that Tiffany and the girls loved me, but something like this shows you how much and they have truly given me reason to live.  I used to work hard for them, now I survive for them as they want me around. I don't have a lot to talk about today garden is struggling with bugs/slugs eating the brussels sprout plant

 O' Snap! first day back to work after some time (a week and a 1/2).  It was nice to be out of the office and anyone that says they don't know what they would do with themselves if they were retired is an idiot.  There is so much to get done in the yard, the house, etc... I have years worth of projects.  Now to only have the energy on a daily basis to deal with it. It is funny how quickly I went from work being the most important thing I was doing to well down the list of important things.  It is just work.  They get you wrapped into this life of work, work, work, work, quick play, work, work, and more work - you get it, you've most likely been there.  I wonder what we will do when technology comes along well enough that most of the menial labor jobs are gone.  What will we do to keep society calm and occupied.  I do believe that there are those that without the structure of work would cause problems for society.  I'm not sure how many people that would be, but there wo

  So I accidentally didn't post yesterday's blog, but it is there now.  It will look like I did 2 today other than the injected date in the title. I'm listening to Hawaiian music, its rainy and cool outside.  Sometimes when things are really wet I can smell the green lush of the islands.  I do miss it at times, but not the cost of living, the difficulty to fit in as a white man in the islands, etc.. I'm getting a little worried that Tiffany is needing to get out of the house.  I know this sitting around doing nothing is worrying here.  I just don't know what to do other than eating out at night.  She doesn't really like going to the movies and I am scared of eating food out of the house.  I need to think of something for us to do.  Just not sure what people do that doesn't involve alcohol and food. As I mentioned in yesterday's post I pull the trigger on a Traeger.  Just to get back to the business of smoking meets and other things, but she doesn't e

 Yes, I have a giant box behind me.  It is a new grill/smoker.  I pulled the trigger on a Traeger.  I want to make some smoked meat and get to grilling again.  It has been a while since I didn't really use the other grills last summer.  I had been afraid to make big purchases due to "what time I have left", but I am going to beat this shit just like chemo is beating my ass today. It is difficult to buy things as I have been trying to sit on money for Tiffany's sake.  I get worried that I will go down hill fast (sometimes) and I don't want to burden her with too much debt that eats away at her retirement coverage.  From my reading it is pretty common for cancer patients to avoid making large purchases for those very reasons. Cancer kind of puts your life on hold and in my case the bowel issues don't help with "living normal", but I think they are getting better (even though I shit myself on Wednesday - badly).  I want to live life, but I don't kno

 Look at that, new t-shirts two days in a row!   I was already up and out this morning.  Got the plants watered as it is going to be 91 today and we are off to NJ for the night so that I can have chemo today.  I know, I get to have all the fun. I had a beer yesterday and I shouldn't have, but it was good and I was hot from working outside (washing my car actually - It really is all I did yesterday when I think about it). This is the hydrangea I am going to plant on Saturday: I am trying my best to get a lot done this summer.  Why this summer?  I really don't know how much longer I have.  I hope to have until I pass of old age, but some days I am not so sure about that.  I feel better than I did before surgery, but that was more the ileostomy than the cancer (I am pretty sure of that).   This morning I am eating rice in a vegetable broth with fermented soy paste (miso paste).  I mixed in an egg and some pickled ginger to add some flavor.  I am hoping that this can last me until

 It is funny I take the same picture everyday.  A little Creep(y) ;) you see what I did there? Either way, I have a record of myself (or at least my face) for well over a year.  I think if you read through all of this you will find that cancer can be a long drawn out disease with so many ups and downs.  I've tried to stay positive, but continue to be concerned about my ultimate defeat.  I guess I should be more positive until the next scan, but I really don't like the idea of living scan to scan. I suppose some would ask what I am doing from a "living" perspective.  One, I was never a person that wanted to be out an about everyday, it just isn't me.  I enjoy my solitude and the alone time with Tiffany.  I don't really need much more.  A little time with friends now and then, but even that exhausts me at times.  I have never been much of a people person.   All in all, it has been a good vacation at home.  I got the front porch shored up (I will take a picture t

 See, I changed t-shirts :)  Question is, was I wearing this t-shirt yesterday as well? It is funny how all my clothes that I bought when I was thinner all fit now so it is like I have a whole new wardrobe.  Now if I could just find some comfy shorts.  They are probably in my messy pile, but I am too lazy to dig through it. I am stoned at the moment and contemplating going back to bed (even though I have had my coffee).  My bowels woke me up a little before 5 and then Nala was waiting at the bedroom door when I came out of the bathroom.  So here I am typing this at 6 AM on a vacation day. I made a discovery yesterday that the latest alarm on my phone is 7 AM.  I thought, what does that say about me?  I think it says I don't sleep in, I go to bed early(?), I don't really have a lot of things to get up for except work(?), who knows.  I just found it funny that I have never thought I need an alarm to ensure I am up by 8 AM :) My vacation is winding down (today and tomorrow) and th

 So, yes, I am wearing the same T-shirt as yesterday, but in my defense I am about to go to the dump and why dirty a new T right? Speaking of new T's I should save this picture in this blog just so Tiffany can see it later. It is a shirt that Jamie got me.  We had some laughs about Tiffany cupping my balls in public.  The shirt is funny and Jamie is always trying to make us laugh. It has been raining non-stop for a few days.  Most of the plants like it, but I don't think the grapevine does as it hasn't had time to dry out at all so the roots are getting a little water logged and it won't start any growth.  This makes me sad.  The rest of the garden seems to be doing fine and the brussels sprouts are going crazy. Here are some new flowers I planted and what happens in the mulch when there is too much rain: I have been feeling ok.  It is always that way as we get closer to the end of chemo week(s).  I go back on Thursday for double treatment so I will try and do some work

  As you can tell I don't feel much like posting the last few days.  I suppose there are two reasons for that.  1. It is nice and warm outside so I am walking the yard and gardens in the AM.  2. I feel pretty good short of the nasty bowels and I tend to bitch more when I don't feel well. So, yes, I do feel a bit better.  I have to stop over-eating and I have been doing a little better.  Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal instead of ice cream and I didn't have 2 dinners.  I am going to try a eat a little lighter today as I am up to 188 pounds already and as much as I appreciate that I can gain weight, I am not looking to get super chubby real fast.  The lighter weight is good for me. My sugar was 157 this morning and I didn't eat anything after 9:30 PM last night.  That is not good and I am sure has something to do with the small amount of dex that is being pumped into my system all day.  Though I worry my inability to stop eating sugar doesn't help (or the drinks I ha

  I have a love/hate relationship with that song (nostalgia and all).  I have been doing a lot of work outside the last few days.  I drank too much beer/alcohol the last few days so I am not going to do that anymore.  I haven't posted a picture of my scars on my belly yet (for the most part).  I really hadn't done it because I am somewhat self-conscious about the belly, etc... I think I am pretty healed now and given the amount of work I did the last few days, I am healed up good.  Don't get me wrong, I am tired, but it felt good to do all that work. Today I am going to run and get a grill (there was a bird nest and too much rust in the old one). Well, it is time to run I love you all!