Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 Well my 56th has come and gone.  I was a bit depressed yesterday, I didn't realize it until later.  I am getting scared every time I hit some future date.  I guess I should be happy that I have had this time to be with my wife and kids.  I think they know how much I love them.   I will be honest, I don't want to die.  Don't get me wrong, everybody dies, I know this.  What I don't want is to die so young.  I want to see Gusty and Maeve grow up more, I want to get to do some things with Tiffany that we couldn't do.  It is difficult to make plans when you have treatment every two weeks.  You could squeeze things in, but it doesn't really work well.  Generally, I am sick or just yucky.  It doesn't help that my fucking bowels are a wreck either. I suppose enough woe is me.   My birthday was good.  I worked (sort of) and spent a bit of time trying to clean up this mess in my office, but there just isn't enou...

 Yes, I am wearing the same sweatshirt as earlier in the week and I need a haircut.  It is also my birthday.  This was a little milestone for me to make another birthday and here I am!  I am going to start thinking about my milestones again as I have started to get too depressed.  Next up, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I know I will make them, but it is about having something to look forward to and celebrate. My blood work was all in the normal range at the last DR appointment.  I just have to get my sugar consumption under control and I think I can drag this thing on.   I gave to a friends cancer Go-Fund-Me this morning.  I don't necessarily do this for Karma, but I know what these costs are like.  Hopefully, my little bit can help and a little bit of karma. I am listening to the album Bridge Over Troubled Water and it is honestly one of the best albums ever made - and I mean that.  Regardless of my love of Simon and Garfunkel,...

 Well it is NJ trip time again.  I grow so tired of going to NJ and really tired of the chemo.  I suppose I know (and don't know) what would happen if I didn't have chemo every two weeks.  Cancer would ravage my liver and I would be dead in a short time.  I've read about enough of my fellow CRC stage IV folks going, and they go fast once they hit the turning point. Can I be an outlier, to some extent I think I already am.   I just think about all this time (and money) we have spent on cancer and we could have been spending it on family.  If I beat this thing I will continue to live like I have been.  Giving my time to our home, my wife and kids, and a small amount for me.  I have been trying to think of long term items, but it has become difficult.  I'm waiting for my bowels to be predictable (not sure they ever will again) and my body to cooperate with my desires (strength etc...).  I have to start planning my winter activitie...

 So I got up after 6 AM, so this will be quick.  I am feeling a bit better as we move towards treatment week.  Not 100%, but better.  There is so much to do in the AM - plants, animals, coffee. How do people do all the things necessary for a home etc..?  there is literally no time to relax. I love you all!

 It is 43 degrees outside.  That's cold to me.  Today is the first day I am choosing not to walk outside in the AM.  Sunrise isn't until 6:53 AM, so it is not only cold, but dark.  Instead I will get on the exercise bike which is good exercise, but not as good for my soul as the walk outside in the warm summer checking on my plants. All things are messed up today.  The dogs haven't gotten up so the cats are going nuts as I haven't fed them.  It is all kinds of crazy thing morning.  I didn't go to work yesterday as I couldn't stop shitting.  I think I wrote that my gut was getting better and then that happened.  It was insane.  I got out of the shower 3 times and then realized there was no way I was going to work.  Of course the rest of the day was fine and I just needed to get through that issue, but I am fucking tired of it.  There was some blood in my stool which I assume was associated with a hemorrhoid bursting, but yo...

  That song was on last night when we sat outside for one game of Yahtzee.  It is starting to get cold at night even for Tiffany.  It is only 47 right now and dark.  Sunrise isn't until nearly 7 AM.  I don't like it.  Once it starts getting really cold during the day I am going to have to pull out the UV light so that I can use it in the AM. It looks like I will make another birthday.  I was getting a little worried about how I was feeling, but it seems I am overeating and that caffeine and my gabapentin both make me feel a little weird so I am going with that is part of my fear.  Other than my gut (gas and such), I don't feel half bad.  When I get to the no-chemo week I am usually pretty good.  Speaking of gut, I will probably have to end this entry early as I need to use the services (coffee plus bad insides = go!).  Back to the point at hand, I will make it to 56.   I am going to go out on a limb here and predict I will...

  Saturday...  I should work outside today, but I don't feel like it.  I haven't been feeling well lately as my gut just aches.  I suspect I am contributing to it because I am eating so much.  I eat, I tell myself, don't eat again, you're full, but then I get stoned, repeat.  So, I guess I am saying that I am overeating.   Things are what they are with treatment, just doing more chemo and then we will scan again, etc... etc... I am not sure how long I can do this treatment thing.  As long as it takes I guess.  I know the back and forth to NJ is having a toll on Tiffany as well.   I am going to try and do more indoor gardening this year.  I have some "plants" finally doing well as I figured out the light positioning.  I have some basil and onion growing in there as well.  I have been experimenting with propagation and my first attempt on the rose bushes seems to have gone horribly wrong as there is some bug under ...

  A lot of my pictures have this red tint to it as I have the "Man Cave" set to Honolulu.  In the winter I use this red tint with my UV light to create some "sunrise" type artificial environment.  It is almost time for that.  Sunrise today isn't until 6:43 AM and Sunset is at 7:22 PM.  The days are getting shorter and shorter.  I don't like that, but I knew it was coming. Maeve has started giving my birthday gifts.  They are Minecraft inspired and so cool.  One is a lantern and the other is a mineral block that I can change the color on.  It is cute that she thinks about these things.  I have to admit that I am excited to be here on my birthday again (or I expect I will be here 2 weeks from now). My stomach has been a wreck lately, but I am overeating.  I need to start shrinking my portions and spreading out my meals instead of eating them all at once.  The constant need to shit is getting really annoying.  I was up all la...

 I it is really dark this morning.  Sunrise isn't until 6:42 AM so it is right in the middle of getting ready time.  It is ok, soon I will have to do my gardening at lunch when I get home and after work (I will have an hour or so of light).  It is so depressing.  It is not quite time to get out the sun lamp, but we are getting there. We have been playing Yahtzee most nights and it is fun.  I forget sometimes how nice it is just to sit outside with Tiffany and just be with her. I cleaned up the back room a lot yesterday and it felt really good.  I may work a little more on it in tonight so that I can try to get the other garden item setup.  It would be so nice to the the hydro-garden running as well.   Cleaning up that room made me want to clean Maeve's badly.  We went to her apartment to get some of the expensive stuff out.  It was a bit messy.  I think if we could get her room really clean it might help her, but then she ...

  So red...  That is the Honolulu setting on my Hue app/lights.   I got up way too early today as Maeve was up, so the dogs woke up, so I'm up.  I get worried about the children and their ability to survive when Tiffany and I are gone.  Hell, I get worried about them being able to survive when I am gone (Tiffany and the girls).  I suppose my life insurances, pensions, and other investments will help for a while (hopefully long enough to get Tiffany to Medicare and that the girls have some health insurance by then). I wish I didn't have to worry about them so much, but I do.  Maybe it is one of the reasons I am so stubborn about the cancer and fighting.  I suppose I should write some more today as I have time, but my head is just empty lately.  I have only been at this cancer thing for a year and a 1/2, but I am tired of all the treatment and the travel as well as the feeling sick from chemo.  I suppose I should be happy to be here s...

 I can't believe it is getting to the end of the summer.  So many things I want to do and so little time.  I just read my blog post from a year ago.  I was upbeat, realized that I had a task ahead of me with recovery (it had only been a week since surgery), and most importantly, I was grateful. Grateful for my amazing wife and wonderful daughter.  It was truly the beginning of Tiffany having to tend for me, which she has done now for quite some time. I don't think it is that big of a task to tend for me when I am not in the middle of recovery, but after the surgeries it has been difficult.  I think the stress of both tending for me and the uncertainty of my condition combines to weigh on everyone. I have been in a bit of a funk lately and I need to get out and garden/work this weekend (if the weather allows it).  The darkness of winter will start to set in more and more which will cause me to creep towards depression.  I will have more time in the...

  So here we are... September 7th.  How time flies by.  I have been somewhat lazy about writing, but it is getting to the point where fall is setting in and my outside time (with light) is dropping rapidly.  I need to get out there so I can get ready for work, but I hate that it is dark. Well, I should get busy. I will write more later. I love you all!

 I am wearing the same shirt I wore yesterday.  It is because I took it off before I went to the store and only wore it for about and hour and 1/2.  Anyway, same shirt. I am listening to Kitaro, my meditation music, I don't think anyone would appreciate it as much as I do.  I even have an LP of Astral Voyage, the first CD I bought from Kitaro.  I would listen to that music for relaxation and escape all the time as a young man (17 yrs old and up). Things went well yesterday, I stopped putting off taking some cuttings and testing growing them I put basil in water, thyme, rose, weed, black raspberry, and rosemary all in dirt with root powder to see what I get.  They are in my plastic green houses in my grow tent.  I also replanted a couple of weed plants that had rooted well, now lets see if I can get them to grow as I have been struggling with those due to lighting and watering.  The plan that it is in Pop-Os old grow box is starting to veg well und...

 It's 6:10 AM and still pretty dark.  Sunrise isn't until after 6:30 AM.  It was starting to get cold in the evenings, but we have a bit of a hot streak on the way.  It is going to be in the 90s starting tomorrow for a couple of days.  Not totally out of the ordinary for early September, but not the norm.   I have been trying to do a lot of landscaping and gardening as well as cooking.  The two new grills (Traeger and Char-Broil gas) seem to be a good combination and I have been really enjoying cooking for Tiffany and the family again.  I haven't done anything amazing, but it is good therapy for me.  When I get busy with all these things I sometimes turn off the internal dialogue and forget that I have cancer.  It's nice to be busy. I have been feeling a little sick lately.  It seems the chemo is getting to both my brain and my gut.  That is at least how it feels.  I get scared at times that I don't have a lot of time...

  September, how is it September?  It has been cold the last couple of mornings (well, cold to me), below 60.  Well, I still have cancer.  Things have shrunk and the oncologist didn't seem overly concerned.  My stomach is getting worse on a daily basis.  It feels like I am too full most of the time and nauseous.  It is like I ate a big Thanksgiving dinner and I am sick to my stomach.  Outside of that, I have some energy and finished most of the rough part of the front porch (the right side).  I suppose I should be happy that I am still capable of such things. We're going to cook all weekend.  It is hard for me as sometimes in the morning I am not very hungry (well and all evening).  It is hard for me to think about what I am going to make for food when the idea of eating makes me want to vomit. I miss the days when I got up and I was hungry and I had a meal plan for the day that excited me.  Let's hope as the day goes on I will...

  Don't stop believin' is such a good line for today.  In NJ for scans (and blood tests and chemo), I think I can "feel" my liver lately and that scares me.  It might just be gas in my intestines, but I am not sure.  I am so scared about these scans as I am moving farther away from initial diagnosis and that puts me in the bad zone.  This is why I need these scans to be stable or reduced size tumors.   Even if today's scans are bad I will continue to fight.  We haven't really had bad scans other than at the beginning.  They continued to shrink and disappear in the beginning so I am hoping that will be the case with today.  My bowels have been such a mess that I keep feeling like it is telling, but I suspect that this is all me getting back to normal from a bowel perspective and they told me it could take a while (1 year to 2 years).  It has only been 5 months since surgery so I have to stop being in a hurry.  My concern is that two ...

  So today is the day we head to NJ for labs, scans, and treatment tomorrow.  I am hoping laying off the alcohol for 2 weeks helped the liver recover.  I guess I shouldn't drink during the FUDR portion of my treatment.  I was having some really chalky poo during that period so maybe the pump chemo is getting to be a bit much for the liver - who knows. I just ate a gummy at 6:13 AM to test it's potency.  We will see.  It should go well with the big cup of coffee I am drinking :)  Speaking of the weed, I have one good plant growing outside this year: I have gotten to the point that I expect bad news about my cancer situation.  Secretly, I am hoping for something amazing, but I need to be prepared for the bad news so that it doesn't sting as much. Well - time to get outside and water all the plants. I love you all!

 I am sitting outside this morning.  It is a little brisk (just above 60F).  I did a bit of work yesterday and my muscles are sore.  In fact, everything is sore because the dexamethasone has worn off so my old fucking joints are back to being my old joints.  I haven't got as much as I would like done on the garden as I would like.  I wouldn't say it is laziness.  I was up early yesterday and off to the dump before 8.  I'd say back outside at 11 after eating and making Maeve some breakfast and then I wasn't back in until at least 2:30 PM.   I got the dog pen mowed, the torches up and filled, the dog shit picked up, the front and side yards mowed, and the tree that was covering the road trimmed.  I also made a dinner of steak, scallops, and shrimp.  So I did something.   Most weekends have been like that.  I get things done, but I really don't have the strength to work all day which is what this garden endeavor in my head wi...

  That rouge eyebrow is powerful... So I am watching a video of Dion actually singing the Wanderer and the reserved nature of the video makes me laugh.  I think it is media such as that which makes Americans think that we had some kind of sweet and nice society back then.  All that media is staged and we should know that. Anyway, things are going well, the dark mornings are still eating at me and I still have this annoying pain in my side.  I suppose it could be gas or stool in my intestines, but it concerns me as that pain is why I went to the doctor in the first place.  It is going to be really sad if I have gone through all this surgery and tearing up my body only to be right back where I started from. Well, time to finish getting the truck loaded and walk the yard. I love you all!

 I look evil in the green glow...  I'm not evil.  I am tired though.  I have been needing to get more sleep than the 8 hours I am getting.  It is that time of year where it is dark when I go to bed and when I get up.  It causes me a little bit of depression.  As much as my skin can't handle the sun, my psyche needs it.   Things are going ok.  I am getting very anxious about the scans next week Tuesday.  With the pains I am having in my sides, I know it isn't gone.  I wish I could will it all away, but I know that I can't do that either.  I try to stay positive and there are times when I truly forget I have cancer, but they're rare.  I am trying to stay positive about working and normality in life, but it is hard.  It isn't that I don't like my job, I just don't feel like it is of value.  I want to do things around the house that have longer effects.  My family can look at them and think about me.  ...