Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

 I didn't feel like a picture today.  My stomach is still really bad and my symptoms seem to be getting worse.  Not just pain, but nausea, dizziness, lightheaded, etc... I am beginning to become afraid that the chemotherapy has affected my digestive system adversely. I read a research article that said those symptoms could last 10 years.  I won't be able to handle 10 years of this, I will, but it will severely affect my behavior.  I can honestly say that this is the worst I've felt - ever.   All this time having little effects from chemo and treatment and this shit starts right before surgery.  Which, by the way, is still a go for the 15th. Well, I don't feel like writing so I am going to end this here. I love you all!

  I'm not actually laying in bed, I am sitting up.  I haven't written in a few days as I was hospitalized for the stomach issues I have been having.  They didn't find anything, but at least they took me seriously.   I only have so much battery time left so I have to be quick. Tiffany has been amazing and I know this is all so hard on her.  I wish there was more that I could do, but I am so sick right now.  No matter what or how much I eat, my stomach just aches.  In fact, it is some of the worst pain I have experienced.  I still wonder if it was the new diabetes meds, but it still could be a cold turkey of the dexamethasone, etc... We are on our way home for a couple days today and then back at it Tuesday for surgery on Wednesday.   I love you all!

 So my stomach hasn't got much better.  The weed and the Tylenol 3 seem to help alleviate the pain combined with some gas-x, but that is about the only thing that helps.  I haven't been able to eat much given the pain that comes with digestion.  So, yep, I have that going for me.  I will admit, I have been in pain before, but this is something I've never experienced.  I can't ignore this pain and the it is so painful that it causes me to sweat and become lightheaded.  This morning, nothing seems to be helping with the pain so I am going to have to break down at some point and take another Tylenol 3 (I took one at 2 AM this morning - again as I had to do that yesterday as well).   Today we leave for NYC for pre-op testing and I am so terrified that this stomach issue is going to stop me from having the surgery to finally get at my liver.  I am hoping they have a little more experience with this type of thing and can quickly get at the cau...

 So, my stomach is just down right killing me the last few days.  I am in so much pain and it isn't like me to let pain take me out like this, but this is really bad.  I have pretty much tried everything to make my gut feel better, but to no relief.  I am going to switch to a liquid diet (broth, soups, protein shakes) to see if simplifying the digestive process will help.  For a while I figured I had a blockage in my intestine, but things seem to be getting through considering there was an undigested pill in my bag. My big fear is that I have a tumor in my esophagus or stomach.  I have an irrational fear that the cancer will spread or that they missed small spots that are now growing.  I am also very concerned about my surgery schedule.  Who knows if they will still do surgery if I am suffering from this issue.  I was so looking forward to getting all this shit out of me.  I was also hoping the two weeks leading up to surgery would be go...

So I am still having some stomach issues.  My PCP took me off the new drug I was taking for diabetes and I do suspect that is the issue.  However, I did notice an entire pill (unfortunately, no markings) in my ostomy bag.  I suspect it is the Centrum pill as I hadn't seen my Metformin in the bag (those are shaped about the same).  There is also a good chance those pills have gotten clogged up in my intestine.   I have to admit that I am terrified that all these stomach issues, face flushing, heat flashes, etc... are all indicative of some spread of cancer.  I wonder if I will spend the rest of my life worried that my cancer has spread every time I have some pain, illness, or other ailment.  It is truly exhausting. I promise tomorrow morning I will get stoned and write something a bit less depressing. Oh of all the money that e're I spent I spent it in good company and of all the harm that e're Ive done alas it was to none but me for all I've done ...

So I am somewhat miserable the last few days.  My stomach is fucking killing me and I am not sure if it is the new drug that my PCP put me on or I have new fucking cancer.  I love this game!  Is it new cancer or just gas...  Fuck! I should just take myself off the new medicine that my PCP gave me and see if this issue goes away, but I need to stop doing that (I've done it with blood pressure meds, cholesterol, etc...). So yeah - I have felt like shit for two weeks, I just haven't told anyone until the last few days because I was really hoping it would go away, but it is starting to really affect my attitude and my demeaner.  I guess you can only handle constant stomach pain for so long until you start to get annoyed. Well, I am going to try and see if a light bike ride will help with the gas and stomach pain. I love you all!

  I do want a new drug that just makes me feel normal, but I am also trying to remember what that is.  I only have 6 minutes until I need to start getting ready for work.  I am going to have some toast, my meds, and vitamins and see if I can get this stomach under control.  I am so bloated and in pain in my gut. Well, I need to make some breakfast, pack the lunch, get dressed, etc... I love you all!

 So no picture today as I'm "In the Dark" (see first song line and I know they usually have nothing to do with the post) at the moment. Here we are in NJ again.  It snowed a lot last night (at least for our trip home).  I'm going to try and convince Tiffany to get on our way - I like to be home. I haven't felt well lately.  Not sure if it is the new meds or just nerves, but my stomach is bloated constantly.  It really is quite annoying.  Everything I eat or drink causes me to bloat to a very uncomfortable level.  I suppose I should just ignore it, but anymore every time my body does something, I think the cancer has spread or I assume some other horrifying disease because lord knows I'm paranoid now. I am really tired of all this and I need a break.  I suppose that I can take a break during surgery recovery.  Not that it is really a break, but I guess the end of disability I start to feel like I have the energy to do stuff.   I really ne...

 Well tomorrow is my last pump maintenance prior to surgery.  It is strange to think that all these things that have been in my body (I guess out when you think of the stoma) could all be reversed/removed in just a couple weeks. I just have to say that I am going to beat cancer, I really am going to beat cancer.  When we get through this surgery and no matter the outcome of all the work, I am going to keep fighting all this motherfucking bullshit cancer in my body. I suppose I should go take my meds. I love you all!

It's 3:43 AM and I couldn't sleep.  I am stoned now so I will sleep pretty damn good in a bit.  I hate that I have to dull my brain to fall asleep.  I wish my brain's activity was associated with organized thought and well planned out approaches to doing the things in the house I want to.  Unfortunately, my brain is focused on cleaning the same things over and over making no progress on my plan.  I should run to Loew's and get the tubing I need for the HDMI cable.  This is to replace the one the dogs ate.  Such good puppies. I am pretty stoned at the moment.  This will help me fall asleep as soon as I am done with this entry.  I am in the living room (you can tell from the picture) laying in the recliner.  The furniture has grown on me.  Hell, I was falling asleep write there.  I was going to try and keep typing well into my falling asleep to see if I could babble out anything interesting.  I am so stoned that the blog pos...

 Today was bag change day.  These next few weeks may be the last times we have to do the bag change.  That would be nice.  One less thing to worry about. I don't really feel like writing today.  Like I said yesterday (I think), I am in some doldrums and I am in waiting mode again.  It is hard not to think about the upcoming surgery or what comes next.  Reading the stories of others I get a little scared.  Many have had my journey they had their ups when they thought they had won, but a year or two later the fucking cancer comes sneaking back in.  I guess that is why Saltz never waivers on his cautious stance. I have to think that I will win this battle.  I have to. Well, I need some food. I love you all!

  The angle of that camera makes me look chubby.  I suppose I am still a bit chubby, but not much.  I am in such a rut of blah it isn't funny.  I guess I am so stressed and nervous about the surgery and all the travel to and from NYC that it is eating away at me.  I try not to think about it directly all the time, but I think it is there eating away at me. I know that someday I have to die.  It is inevitable.  Though it doesn't have to be before I am 60 or even 70.  I would like to be around a bit longer for my girls.  This is why I need to adjust this attitude.  There is no reason for "whoa is me" and I need to get out of this depression.  It is hard at times as there is so much I want to do here at home, but I have work all week (or pretend to work).   I am going to try to have some fun on Saturday.  I am going to charge up the VR devices and we are going to bowl or golf - both?  I need to do something that is ...

It isn't that cold this morning (33ish outside), but I am cold.  My fingers specifically.  I am starting to get pretty stressed out about surgery and what they will find.  I think the entire thing is starting to get into all aspects of my life.  I don't want to just hide for 2 weeks, but I am really not sure what I am supposed to do.   I pretty much hate my job.  I am not totally sure why which is probably why I should give it until after I have returned from disability recovery to make any specific decisions.  My problem is I don't really know what I want to do.  Sometimes I like working on the technology items, but other times I really don't.  I don't think anyone will pay you to stare at a wall or desk.  Maybe they'll pay me to search my brain trying to think of that one word that has just escaped me for 5 minutes.  I love the chemo brain.  I really do have to force myself to start doing things that require my to think ...

So I told Tiffany this morning (via daily email) that all I can think of is the upcoming surgery.  It isn't like I dwell on it, but it does seem to invade my thoughts as I roll through the day.  I have very little motivation to do anything that requires thought - I would prefer just to do some physical items, tire out my body, and move on.  I suppose that helps get the endorphins running and it mellows my brain.  I have always liked a nice hard days work - sometimes difficult to get me motivated, I have a hard time stopping until I am physically exhausted. I have all but decided that if I get through this cancer I am going to find some work that stimulates me, at least until retirement and then I may just sub or volunteer.  Tiffany brought up teaching the other day and I would enjoy that, but the salary is no where near the point I would need to support the family, but wouldn't it be nice to work with another generation of children and get my summers off (I have...

  My picture makes me seem not impressed, I am pretty ok with the day thus far.  I don't feel like I am getting enough sleep, but that may be because Nala keeps barking at 3:30 AM.  I suppose she is doing it because I get up at 3:00 AM like clockwork to dump the bag and use the loo.   Things are going ok.  A lot of the time I am dizzy and lightheaded.  I don't know if it is chemo brain trying to keep me from thinking or if one of the many drugs I am taking is responsible for it.  Hell, maybe my blood pressure is going to low, who knows.   I know that I currently dislike my job, my heart just isn't in it (I know I have mentioned this before).  I also don't know what I really want to do if I didn't do what I am doing.  Tiffany mentioned teaching and I would love that, but there just isn't enough money in it - not with what the girls need and the bills we have racked up.  It would be different if we sliding into retirement wi...

  I only have 3 minutes to type up a post today so here we go.  It was bag change day - Tiffany is awesome.  I have to go into work this week and I really dislike working there - so do you look for a new job when you have cancer?  It doesn't seem like the right thing to do (upsetting medical insurance, salary, etc...).  Any how, I don't like it. I am in a bit of a rut so I need to get out of it. Gotta run Love you all!

When I first opened the camera today I was shocked a little about how old I looked and how I looked a bit like Popo - I guess I am Popo (number 2) now.  I suppose I should start living up to that. I had a dream last night that I was older, sitting out here in my cave, sniffling and Tiffany brought me a tissue/Kleenex.  It was nice to dream as I don't very often and even nicer to dream about being older.  I don't even think that much about being older any more, I think about tomorrow sometimes (the next day, not like the theoretical tomorrow) and I think about today, but mostly, I think about nothing.  I let the politics of the day bother me too much and spend my time on trivial pursuits a lot: cleaning the kitchen, making food for the week, and shit like that.  I suppose that keeps me from thinking about the cancer as it does distract me. I miss having passions about things.  I am slowly (and I mean slowly) trying to get myself back into the indoor gardenin...

  It is 5:01 AM on a Saturday.  I'm stoned, listening to swing music, and sitting in the dark with only the light of my hue bulbs in the preset Artic Aurora (hence the green/blue hue behind me).  There is so much I want to do with this room and I should just get started, but I keep letting malaise get in my way.  I suppose there are times I am just having a little pity party for myself and I don't want to do anything. I mean don't get me wrong, I do the dishes and clean the kitchen, but that is about it.  I stare at my computer screen for hours really doing nothing there as well.  I don't want to be on autopilot until surgery, but it is hard not to.   I kind of hate that I can't really game any more.  I was able to do some Minecraft there for a while, but I can't even seem to focus on that.  I suppose I should just start gaming, cleaning, making, and then see if my attitude changes.  It really is my choice of how I approach the day....

Yes, I usually wear the same sweatshirt for a couple days :) I am starting to get a little nervous (well, not starting, but showing) about the surgery.  I can't believe that in a month I may no longer have a hockey puck under my skin on the left side, no shit bag on the right, and possibly no cancer in my liver - my God...   I have been gaining a lot of weight lately which is strange as I was really light the last time I was weighed at the Montvale office.  According to our scale, I am up to 202 which is a little heavy.  My ostomy wraps are getting tight and uncomfortable, but to be honest, I really feel like I have to poop and if I could just do that I would feel better.  God the bloating feeling scares the shit out of me that colon cancer has returned.  I am not certain if  you would get bloated when you don't have food going through your colon, but who knows.  I suppose I have just been over-eating with 1st and 2nd breakfast.  I will ...

  I have been thinking a lot about the fact that the upcoming surgery could mean no cancer any longer.  I am trying not to get my hopes up, but my hopes have been the things that keep me going.  I've gone into every test know what the outcome could be and always hoping for the best.  Demanding the best I guess.  Other than the initial cancer diagnosis tests (which I was in a trance during), I have gone into every scan, test, etc... with the attitude that I  was getting better.  I will keep that attitude. I have just one day less than a month until that surgery.  It is really starting to weigh on me.  I know Tiffany is struggling with it as well.  A lot hangs on this surgery. I need to take off a little weight.  I have been gaining lately (which I guess isn't the worse sign as I am not having massive weight loss).  I am going to try and eat lighter today as the heavy eating has been causing me to get bloating at night.  I a...