Lightning crashes.... June 9, 2023

 

Too dark in the hotel to take a picture of me, but I took this picture of flowers yesterday morning at home.  I restarted chemo yesterday.  I fogot how the drugs made me feel and I am pretty queasy this morning.  Though I had some good days between drain removal and today, I never really fell fully healthy.  I just don't know whether it is the chemo, surgery recovery, or the cancer that is making me feel like shit.  I assume with the 3 months off of chemo it probably isn't the chemo.  The pains in my joints make me realize the dexamethasone has shrunk inflammation for so long that my body didn't realize how broken down it was.  One treatment of dex and my fingers already are starting to feel better.  The pump will but a small dosage into me every day for the next couple of weeks so I will gradually have little pain in my hands.

Tiffany continues to cart me back and forth to appointments and she is amazing.  I think she is starting to get more worried about me overall, but she keeps the negativity to herself.  I think we both understand that I really don't have any control over all of this.  Either the chemo and the surgeries work or... well, you know the or.  

I often wonder where I would be if they (Sloan) hadn't come into the picture.  I assume dead, so I prefer not to be dead which is why I keep plugging along at this shit.  I get upset at myself for focusing so much on work and material gain that I forgot to live (at times).  I would assume everyone looks back at their lives and wish they did more.  More travel, less wasteful spending, more time with the kids, etc...  I try to focus on the good times.  Dressing up Gusty as a kid, taking care of Maeve after work before Tiffany got home, singing them to sleep, cooking for everyone - it was good times.

Time to do some work before we get on the road.

I love you all!