I'm up to the eyes and I love everyone... June 14, 2023

 It is raining outside so I probably won't be walking the house this morning.  I will have to find some time to hit the elliptical this afternoon to get in some form of exercise.  It is so unbearably humid and it was all night that it feels way warmer than it is in the house.  All the animals were running around all night (well at least the cats were).  The dogs were up, I was restless, etc...  So needless to say I am fucking tired.

Today is why is it only fucking Wednesday.  Tomorrow will be one week from chemo.  I am not sure if I feel better or worse.  The pain in my liver is gone (yes, I was having that again), but the dexamethasone takes care of that.  I never know whether the brain fog is the chemo or the steroid.  It is probably both.  

I have been able to not think about it a bit, driving to work and singing (during the drive it is hard sometimes not to waiver into cancer thoughts, but I try not to), while actually working, and when I am actively playing (Minecraft, Yahtzee with Tiffany [and Maeve]).  

I suppose I have a few years left.  One, maybe two, I would presume.  Research shows that most hepatic pump folks added about 32 months to their lives.  Since August will put me at a year, I guess I could look at about 2 more years.  I would like to say I live everyday as my last, but what does that really mean?  I have to work, I have to have health insurance, we need the money, etc...  I also think, what would I do with my last day.

Just now, giving it some thought, I probably would be antsy, think that I need to do something BIG, but then I remembered that I would just like to sit on the deck, Tiffany in my arms, the girls around us, eating BBQ, watching Wyatt run around the yard.  Maybe my mother, sisters and their kids stop by (briefly :) ).  Those times when I was surrounded by family, watching them enjoy each other's company, and cooking for them all was when I was my happiest I think (don't get me wrong, there are some special times with Tiffany that outrank that, but probably not the right place for this conversation :) ).  And I guess since I am fantasizing - I'd like to see my father there with us as well.  It is family moments like this that are the stepping stones of joy between the arduous bullshit of existence, work, work, work, work, something of value, work, work, work, work.  I suppose there isn't that much work, but just stuff that has no real value.

Well, 1/2 and 1/2 is trying to kill me by wandering around the back part of my desk. So I am going to move to distract her.

I love you all!