Somewhere Between a Monkey and a Man

  The washed out brightness of my UV Happy Light.  I would be lying if I said I was "happy".  I find a little contentment now and then.  I am a little better than yesterday.  I am trying to exercise a bit every morning and that seems to be helping.  I really need to find something to do that keeps my active or my brain busy, but then I feel like I am ignoring Tiffany.  It is a difficult balance as when I have too much time, I think about cancer. Well, I actually want to play a little Minecraft this morning so cutting this short. I love you all!

  Yes, it is that time of year where I am wearing the same sweatshirt for a couple days.  Live with it.  I guess I felt a little better yesterday, or I just ignored everything.  I am not eating as much which seems to help with the gut.  I am trying to motivate myself back to getting some exercise (did a bit yesterday morning) and it seems to help.  If anything it gets the adrenaline running which helps. They verbally told me that I have a procedure on the 14th of this month, but they haven't put it on my calendar.  I am getting very worried about the possibility that they won't be able to do it based on tumor location or size.   You know I don't ask this a lot, but why did this happen to me?  Not the best question to ask yourself when starting your day, but it is a valid question.  I could list all the things I did wrong in life or how badly I was taking care of myself, but there are those that are well beyond me.  I suppose an...

 I haven't posted in a couple of weeks.  I have been bad about it.  You think you are in the doldrums at the beginning of treatment, but it is nothing like when you are two years in.  I am so depressed.  My gut hurts every day, I feel sick with no real explanation for why I feel sick.  I am sure it is a combination of my gut not working right anymore and my depression, and the upcoming procedure, and...  You get the point. And yes, upcoming procedure.  I was so happy when they thought there was nothing.  My doctors even thought the same as one of them said, "I make them look good".  The liver surgeon didn't trust the CT, had and MRI, and bam - you still have cancer.  I'm fucking tired of it all.  The trips, the loneliness of illness, just fucking all of it. I am trying to be positive, I but on a good show for people outside the house.  I pretend to feel better and to be extremely positive, but the longer we get at this, th...

  As of yesterday, it has been two years since I started writing this mess.  I tried to read some of the old posts, but you can tell I didn't proof read them :)  This is really just a brain dump at the time.  Sometimes, I talk about things that matter and others I just update my status.  The whole purpose of this blog was so my family could look back on it later and know how much I loved them and what I was thinking/feeling at the time.  I think you get the frustration from the entries and that I think about my wife and kids a lot. I have been struggling lately with motivation, what I should be doing, etc.  I spent most of my life combining family and socialization items with alcohol, so it is hard for me to think of "what did I used to do".  When I really give it some thought, my early youth was sports as often as possible, early video games (think Atari), and then hanging and drinking with friends.  My middle years were basically, working (...

  So, in two days, it will be two years since I started this blog as a memory dump for my family.  At the time, I was not working on good news from the DR's of the time.  Well, two years later, I have just had a clean colonoscopy, but I still have some tumors in the liver.  My body has paid the price for all of this, but I am not complaining (at least not all the time).  I get to be with my family, I can still work and care for them, and if ablation is possible and goes well I see a point where I might be cancer free or at least given even more time. I get depressed, I think that is natural considering; and I am amazingly tired at times which is probably the result of the ground hog's day of treatment with no end in sight.  We have been told there will be a break in my treatment and hopefully those travel days don't get usurped by different days associated with ablation, but we will see.  Both Tiffany and I are tired.  The 8 weeks of a break isn't...

 I have to admit, I am kind of lost.  After months of thinking that I was improving or stable, they found more tumors in my liver on an MRI.  Seems the CT scan is not the best test for the liver.  There has been so much going on at home and so much to do with treatment (travelled three weeks straight) that I am just burnt out.  Where before I was trying to fill myself with hope, I am not filled with uncertainty and doubt.  Everyone around me is depressed and I feel like I am the cause of all of it. I have decided to take a break in chemo in the pump.  Not sure if it is a good idea and the DR didn't help with the answer, but the constant trips have been causing churn.  Tiffany cried the other week because she didn't want to drive in the weather, Maeve won't let us leave the house at the same time, and I am so stressed about everything that my head is about to explode. I am not even sure what to do on most days.  I was trying to think of what I...

  It seems like a long time since I wrote anything, but it really hasn't.  I used to do this everyday, but days seem rushed any more, like they used to.  I keep thinking I have so much to do, but I really don't.  I really don't know if relaxed for me means nothing to do.  I think sometimes keeping busy keeps my mind from thinking too much.   I have an MRI next week since the CT didn't see any tumors in my liver.  I am terrified as I am extremely hopeful that I could get through this.  I know that eventually some day I will pass.  I know that it most likely won't be on my terms, because who really wants to go right? My bowels are still all kinds of fucked up.  It feels like there is a ball of gas in there everyday and that I have to go, but...  You get the point.  The colonoscopy is the two weeks from then and following that I have treatment into March where I will get another scan.  If that is clear, I go on a break f...

  I know I haven't been very good about keeping this up.  I get in the summer as I am outside as soon as I can be, but winter isn't like that.  I was working a little harder on work stuff, but that has started to wane.  I really am in the doldrums and I am not sure how to get out.  My gut has been killing me the last couple of days (feel like I am blocked up).  With Tiffany's dad passing she has been more depressed than normal about all this.  Tiffany's day (and rightfully so) over shadowed my news that the CT scans showed no signs of cancer.  Of course I still have an MRI and colonoscopy to really know.  And do you really know?  It is just a cell, so small...  I get concerned that it is floating around my body somewhere just getting ready to start all this BS again.  We still have almost constant travel to NJ for the next few weeks as though we have an MRI and the colonoscopy, we still have treatment until the end of March and...

 We got wonderful news this week.  My CT scans show no signs of cancer.  My CT scans show no signs of cancer.  I had to write it twice to let it sink in.  2 years of all of this and I was getting so tired.  This is the shot in the arm I needed.  I say that as I don't think this game/war/battle is over.  I don't think it ever will be, but I will take this pause, armistice, or whatever it is.  All in all, it is a win. I am not going to let myself get too excited, but I am also going to start being better about what I eat (more so how much of it) and continue to be good about the alcohol.  By bloodwork and other tests are all normal and I aim to keep it that way. The one thing that all of this has made evidently clear was how much Tiffany loves me and how much I desperately love her.  I am not lying when I say that if it wasn't for her and the girls I can't guarantee I would have pushed through this as aggressively as I have. ...

 Sorry about the disco headline, but that what was stuck in my head this morning.  You know I think I have been pretty good about all this.  As good as I can be.  Up until yesterday, I have kept my cool around all the medical folks, but I am just trying to get a colonoscopy and it is so hard to get care.  I don't want to wine and bitch about how I feel, but my gut is a fucking wreck.  I know that I get stoned and eat too much at times, but the constant cramp, gas bubbles, and needed to defecate 10 times a day is getting a little bit much. I just want to make sure I don't have a blockage or worse.  I feel disconnected from NYC/Sloan and Guthrie seems like they are barely capable of keeping the lights on.  And here I am stuck in the middle again (that will probably be tomorrow's title now). Things are rough, I am not going to lie.  My insides feel fucked up, Tiffany's father is not well and worse, he is depressed (IMHO) and doesn't have a good ...

  It is almost 2024.  We are sneaking closer to the 2 year mark and I am getting nervous about my upcoming scans.  I feel numb about it anymore.  I am a little nervous, but if I don't start turning a corner towards no tumors I think I am in the bad zone.  We don't talk about that with the oncologist, but I have done enough research to know that.  I am content with things.  Don't get me wrong, I am not ready to go, but I am not afraid of it. Tiffany's father is not doing well.  I feel so bad for her and him.  I wish he had a partner like Tiffany whereas they loved each other.  I think her father regrets some of his choices in life, he always seemed like he was trying to make up for them.   The way I see it, we all make mistakes and have made them throughout life, but we can't really go back and fix the big ones.  What you have to do is not let them fester inside you and learn from them.  You move forward as you.  ...

  Well, I made another Christmas!  It is a good thing.  Not going to complain on this one, just thankful to have another day/holiday to be with you all. I love you all!

  Well, it is Dec 23, 2023.  I've made it to another Christmas.  Well not actually Christmas day yet, though I am pretty sure I will make a couple more days (I mean I am definitively sure I will make it a couple days) and many more Christmases , but it isn't about a day, it's the season.  God, I loved Christmas as a kid.  It wasn't only the presents, but there was so much wonder about how all the presents came, so much hope that all that Christmas was supposed to be, could be. It was just the overwhelming feeling that there really could be peace on earth and that maybe I could have that much joy in my heart all year long. I know that I have swayed from that youthful exuberance over the years.  And I am many years away from being excited about an unknown gift under the tree.  However, if I have learned anything over the last couple of years is that everyday is an unknown gift.  I still hold so much hope in my heart that we could find a way to truly...

 So I am trying, but I am horribly depressed.  I just don't know what I am supposed to be doing.  I mean don't get me wrong, I know what I am supposed to be doing.  Working, providing for my family, etc...  I don't know what I am supposed to be doing concerning the cancer.  I thought that the break from chemo would be nice and I would feel better, but my insides still feel like shit.  I just feel like I am wasting this holiday time, but I don't know what I would be doing if I wasn't wasting the holiday time.  I just am not sure what I would be doing all the same. Part of my issue is that I feel sick (nauseous) a lot.  I am not sure if that is from depression/doom/gloom or if I really don't feel well.  I know my digestion isn't good and it seems I have to take loperamide to keep from going a million times a day, but then it leads to uncomfortable gas and pain in my gut.  Either way, my gut feels like shit. I try not to bitch so I am ...

 It's a Saturday morning. It was colder this week with some snow and everything, but has warmed up yesterday and today so it is all melted.  This time of year, I like the snow as long as I don't have to travel in it. I know I have not written in a while and I have to stop being so lazy about it.  I don't think it is so much laziness as I feel rushed all the time.  I often wonder if others feel like this.  You have so much that you WANT to do, and so much that you HAVE to do, that you end up doing almost none of it.  Then it all festers and drives you nuts. Things are going well I guess.  As is the case all the time, I am in the wait an see portion of my treatment again.  The break from irinotecan has been nice as my brain is a lot clearer and I don't feel as chemo-sick.  However, my bowels have been shit (see what I did there).  For the most part I have a constant cramp/gas bubble in my mid-section with pain on both of my sides (most of ...

 If you didn't know already, the bright light is the UV Happy light.  I am a little in a bad place, not for any particular reason (my insides suck for the most part).  I know that Tiffany is depressed or overwhelmed.  There is so much for her to do and I know she not only worries about me, but she worries about the girls as well.  I know it is a morbid thought, but if I can maintain work at Welliver, I know that if there is to be a demise for me that they will all be taken care of to some extent.  There would be some belt tightening, but there would be an ok amount of tax-free inheritance.  I know I shouldn't think like that, but unless I get good news soon, I am getting into the dangerous years.  As of March next year, it will be two years since Chemo started and as of February it will be two years since full diagnosis.  1 to 5 is the magic number, if I get passed 5 I'll be one of the lucky ones. I need to get more active, but my activity al...

 The bright light is my UV Happy Light.  It is cold this morning and Bear wants to go back to the living room.  You wouldn't believe there like fifteen minutes between the start of this post and now.  Dogs, breakfast, stuff... Things are back to the doldrums.  I am starting to feel a little better.  My bowels still kick my ass, but all in all, I'm here for another Christmas holiday, which makes me happy. Well - off to play games I love you all!

 Another trip to NJ in the books.  Now that I just get the pump fill it isn't really making me sick.  It doesn't really matter as my gut is all kinds of whack from the chemo, surgeries, fucking cancer, etc...  Sometimes I feel so yucky, even now off the systematic chemo, that I wonder if I don't have another tumor in my digestive system.  The way I see it, I am nearly two years in and I am still going strong and I should be thankful for that. Speaking of thankful, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I am so looking forward to kicking off the holiday season.  I miss that feeling I used to get and last year I saw a bit of that and this year I am really excited about listening to the music and watching the movies.  I like that I make myself wait as it makes the movies and the music special. Well, I need to get some fun in before work. I love you all!

 I wasn't going to make an entry today.  I know that I am suffering from depression, but I don't know how to fix it.  It's not just the weather, but everything.  I am so tired of the 3 month and we will see game.  I know I should be ecstatic that I am alive, etc., but not knowing about where I am at with the cancer is scary.   Now that I have typed that, I have to think about the fact that we never really know how much time we have left.  We expect that we have a lot more.  When we are young we think we have forever, but it changes as you age, then you get cancer and you are confronted with your own mortality.  It is funny how you just want to live once you know for certain you won't always be alive. Don't get me wrong, I am still positive and happy that I can take care of my family and I am not really sure what I would be doing differently if I didn't have cancer (worry less I guess). Well, trying not to be depressed today (looking at t...

  The Speckles must sit in my seat not that it is heater under the desk season.  I don't know what she thinks of the UV light, but she likes laying in the sun...   I need to get into the holiday spirit.  I am going to think of something to try and make for Tiffany next weekend (I know it isn't Thanksgiving, but we are having pizza for Thanksgiving :) ).  As we move into the winter months I get so depressed and lack motivation.  It is hard for me to exercise and I think every pain or bad feeling (like and upset stomach) is the beginning of the end.  I try not to feel doomed, but it is hard at times.   I am trying to get myself out of this funk and may Christmas season is just what I need.  We will see. Well, time to get some shit done. I love you all!