For you there'll be no more crying... January 20, 2024

 


It seems like a long time since I wrote anything, but it really hasn't.  I used to do this everyday, but days seem rushed any more, like they used to.  I keep thinking I have so much to do, but I really don't.  I really don't know if relaxed for me means nothing to do.  I think sometimes keeping busy keeps my mind from thinking too much.  

I have an MRI next week since the CT didn't see any tumors in my liver.  I am terrified as I am extremely hopeful that I could get through this.  I know that eventually some day I will pass.  I know that it most likely won't be on my terms, because who really wants to go right?

My bowels are still all kinds of fucked up.  It feels like there is a ball of gas in there everyday and that I have to go, but...  You get the point.  The colonoscopy is the two weeks from then and following that I have treatment into March where I will get another scan.  If that is clear, I go on a break for at least 8 weeks - no travel, no treatment - It is unimaginable as I have been living with this bullshit and I am not sure how long it will take me to walk away.  I assume probably never.  Every ache and wrong feeling will terrify me that I have cancer again.

I guess I have to figure out how to get out of the doldrums of treatment.  It will be hard, but if I don't want to feel like doom is right around the corner, I have to get to doing some other items.  I know that I could slip back into my old habits as I have watched myself fall right back into it.  

I know I need to exercise more, I know I need to eat better, I know I need to not drink, there are so many things I know I shouldn't do... Now I have to do the things I should.  You would think that it wouldn't be so hard after all I have been through, but that was only two years, I have been doing my bad habits my whole life.

Well, I should get some things done, but I will probably play Minecraft - because I can...

I love you all!


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