There was a little boy once upon a time... January 31, 2024


 I have to admit, I am kind of lost.  After months of thinking that I was improving or stable, they found more tumors in my liver on an MRI.  Seems the CT scan is not the best test for the liver.  There has been so much going on at home and so much to do with treatment (travelled three weeks straight) that I am just burnt out.  Where before I was trying to fill myself with hope, I am not filled with uncertainty and doubt.  Everyone around me is depressed and I feel like I am the cause of all of it.

I have decided to take a break in chemo in the pump.  Not sure if it is a good idea and the DR didn't help with the answer, but the constant trips have been causing churn.  Tiffany cried the other week because she didn't want to drive in the weather, Maeve won't let us leave the house at the same time, and I am so stressed about everything that my head is about to explode.

I am not even sure what to do on most days.  I was trying to think of what I did before cancer and the answer is work.  I was working my ass off to get to a comfortable retirement where we were going to travel and enjoy life.  Now, I can barely go 2 hours without getting to a bathroom, Tiffany and I can't leave the house together (long story), and I feel sick to my stomach all the time.  I thought maybe the feeling sick was associated with my mind, but I am beginning (have for bit) to believe that there is something fucked up going on in my digestive system again.  I haven't had systematic chemo in some time so I doubt it is still chemo related, so the constant nausea and cramping has me concerned.  I have a colonoscopy next week, which I hope finds nothing, but I would like an explanation for the issues with my gut.  

I know I should be writing in here more often as that helped me with getting this stuff off my chest, but as I sit here I am having a hard time with just writing this entry.  Not because the thoughts aren't there, but more so that I just don't feel like it.

Well - need to get on the exercise bike before work to see if some activity helps me get to feeling better.  I am so tired of feeling sick.

I love you all!

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