Hello There. Angel from my nightmare... February 26, 2024

 I haven't posted in a couple of weeks.  I have been bad about it.  You think you are in the doldrums at the beginning of treatment, but it is nothing like when you are two years in.  I am so depressed.  My gut hurts every day, I feel sick with no real explanation for why I feel sick.  I am sure it is a combination of my gut not working right anymore and my depression, and the upcoming procedure, and...  You get the point.

And yes, upcoming procedure.  I was so happy when they thought there was nothing.  My doctors even thought the same as one of them said, "I make them look good".  The liver surgeon didn't trust the CT, had and MRI, and bam - you still have cancer.  I'm fucking tired of it all.  The trips, the loneliness of illness, just fucking all of it.

I am trying to be positive, I but on a good show for people outside the house.  I pretend to feel better and to be extremely positive, but the longer we get at this, the more scared I become.

There are a lot of things to worry about now as well.   The cost of the constant trips is eating away at us (it is a house payment+ every month) and with all the extra trips, it is becoming unmanageable.  I don't need this kind of pressure.  I work as hard as I can, but there are some bills just hanging over the top of us.  I just need to make it to the end of summer and there will be some release (one bill drops off), but that is many months away.  Most likely, I will start having to sell some stock to cover bills, etc.  I have already been dipping into my savings and that is mostly gone.

Well, I have depressed you all enough.

I love you all!