I can't find a reason to let go... August 7, 2023


 Yes, I have the same sweatshirt from yesterday.  Considering I have been tossing and turning all night and I have been up since 4 with the dog, I am allowed some wardrobe recycling.  Yesterday was a good and bad day.  I got up, went shopping, made it home just in time, got the hydrangea bushes mulched, and made a dinner which I made Tiffany some smoked mushrooms instead of chicken.  The big issue I guess is that I can't get passed the lightheadedness.  The spinning brain thing is just constant and I hate it.

I also need to get this gut under control, but I get stoned and then I eat too much, then my stomach hurts, you get the picture.

Sometimes I feel a little better a few days after chemo, but it is getting worse as the number of chemo treatments increase.  I worry that right now, the chemo is doing more damage than the cancer.  What really sucks is you just don't know.  You go 2-3 months on chemo with no idea if it is working and then you go for scans - rinse and repeat with a surgery or two thrown in.  It sucks ass.

I am trying to remain upbeat, and some mornings I get up and I tell myself that this is going to be a good day where I feel good and have energy.  It starts out ok...  usually goes down hill from there.  Lately, I haven't had much of an appetite and I have been eating because I am supposed to.  Nothing tends to sound good and nothing seems to taste good.  Except salt - salt tastes good.  My steak the other night was delicious, but was probably too salty for most.

Well, I need to use the loo and get ready for some breakfast and my walk.

I love you all!

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